Love is Darkness (A Valerie Dearborn Novel) (16 page)

“I don't want a destiny.” Just thinking about it made her feel a little broken. Val wanted to scream at him to go away. Force him to understand that she'd just gotten her life the way she wanted it and that he was ripping it from her. Her dreams and future had just been thieved from her. Helping him would probably kill her.

“What about Jack?
Your father?
Even you?
Do you think you are all safer with my help and protection or without it?”

What could she say? Certainly Jack and her father would be better off with his protection.
Her?
Probably not.
But she couldn't turn her back on them to save herself. Her father and Jack would say that she'd already abandoned them, that by coming to England and going to school she'd run away. She couldn't believe that was true. They chose their lives and she was choosing hers. But if she told Lucas she didn't want him to protect Jack and Nate... there was a real chance they might die. And that would be her fault.

 
“If I don't help you, what will happen to them?”
Might as well get this situation crystal clear
.
How crappy of a situation was he going to put her in?

 
“Your father is too old for this job. Jack is bloodthirsty and angry, but passion is not always a useful attribute.”

Here was the question she was scared of asking, although the answer probably should have been obvious to her. “Do you want to kill them?”

Lucas ran his hand through his hair and the action startled her. He'd been so still that she had taken it for granted. “I don't enjoy killing or dislike killing. It makes no impact upon me either way. But, I remember a very long time ago that I did care, and that I used to believe human life had value. I curb my
vampires
excesses because of those memories.” There was a small pause where he watched her so closely she wanted to cover her face with her hands to break the penetrating contact, “Don't forget what I am, Valerie.”

Tears filled her eyes. She didn't really see how she could forget that. But it conflicted with her memory of him. When he'd helped her and saved her. Val hadn't realized how important that memory was to her until he'd shattered it just now. “Why did you save me that time if humans mean nothing to you? Was it even me? Why were you there?” Each word seemed to become a little more desperate and high pitched so that by the end she could have won an Emmy.

Lucas negated her words with a gesture. Apparently, the time for conversation was at an end.

“I will come to you. And you will invite me in.” The file was on the table as he stood and walked out the door. The sunshine touched him, glinting off of his long, heavy hair, making a halo around him.

There was something about his presence that gave a feeling of peace, of death so quietly offered that it was drawing. Alluring and relaxing.

The sun kissed him and a slight breeze ruffled his hair.

He disappeared.

Val left the restaurant as quick as she could,
throwing
money on the table and bolting out the door. Crossing the street, she walked by a small church and glanced at the old gravestones before hastily turning away. In that little churchyard there were mausoleums that were so old and weathered, the lids were broken in and cracked on the sides. More than once, she'd tried to peer inside, half afraid she'd see a skeleton or the glint of a coffin through the broken rock. But it was pitch black and she’d never seen a damned thing.

She’d never look at that cemetery the same way again. She’d be like that. Dead and time marching onwards so that she’d be forgotten, dust to dust and Lucas would still be perfect, immortal, making every place he visited glow with his splendor.

How many people had he watched die? Had he ever loved a one of them? No one could be that cold and have cared for anyone or anything.

And yet, he’d been so compelling and fascinating, looked like some sort of medieval champion in Gucci, that if he was the face of evil, what the hell did good look like?

Not only had Lucas saved her life, he’d helped her
—
 
been
patient with her, taken away her fear, gone on to star in some of her better fantasies.
And now, to see him again?

What did he want from her?
Really want
? Help, maybe. Did that guy need help from anyone?
Nah.
So he was here for something else. Is he here for me? Desire
—
 
heavy
and smooth as gold weighed on her.

He’d been reserved and icy but every so often, when she crossed her
arms,
licked her lips or moved her hands he watched her avidly.

How do you say ‘no’ to
him
? She huffed, it was probably just as difficult to say ‘yes’! Sure she liked the idea of being with someone so hot but man that was a lot of pressure. No amount of waxing, buffing or painting could make her feel secure enough to sleep with him.
Don’t forget the fact that he might fucking eat you
!,
a tiny and sane part
 
of her brain said.

Eat and kill. That’s what vampires did. She’d be just like her mother.

Chapter 7

London, England

Present Day

Sex.
The horizontal mambo.
 
Humptoberfest
.
The beast with two backs.
Stuffing the turkey.
Although that one probably didn’t make it out of the United States and was only said in November. She was going to have sex with Ian tonight. It was like a compulsion, an urge. Like a lemming going over a cliff. Christ, she was the lemming.
 
She was going to have sex tonight if it killed her!

Get it out there
—
 
loud
and proud, she was not interested in Lucas because she was banging someone else.
Ta-da! If I’m sleeping with Ian, I can’t sleep with Lucas. It’s like a magic trick.
Probably sleight of hand.

Surely that wasn’t
totally
evil. They’d been dating for three
months,
she'd met his parents and all of his friends from home. In fact, they were all refreshingly normal. His parents had even given her tea and fruitcake. Not that fruitcake qualified as cake. It didn't even belong in the desert category. It belonged firmly in the category of things-one-ate-to-live-longer-but-really-hated.

Ian was fun to be around. He was smart, charming, rich and a good listener. He was also handsome and genuinely cared for her. The real question should be why
hadn’t
she slept with him before now?

Because he wasn’t permanent.

He wasn’t serious.

They dated and he was sweet but she had kept herself back from him physically as well as emotionally. But now that the big bad wolf was at the door, she was going to rush into the sack with him.
Oh yeah, this is a really good decision.

For the umpteenth time she wondered if she was being melodramatic. Lucas had said nothing that implied he wanted her. Sure she’d touched him a little and he’d let her but it wasn’t like she’d ripped her clothes off or propositioned him. Maybe she could resist him. Maybe she didn’t even need to resist him because he wasn’t interested.

No, he wants me and if I don’t send a signal that I am unavailable, I’ll be coffin bait for the rest of my life.

Alright then.

Val showered and dressed carefully. Ian came to pick her up and took her to Pizza Express. She loved their thin pizzas and salads. Why didn't California have pizza like this? Probably the same reason England had terrible hamburgers. Some things just didn't cross the pond.

Ian took her to the theater and they saw The Phantom of the Opera. Val had seen it before and loved it. They had considered going to see Cats but the Time Out review called it 'moth eaten' so Phantom it was.

Valerie had always loved the Phantom. Who liked the boring old knight in shining armor anyway? Oh no, she always liked the bad boy. As if the happy ending would last past the first orgasm. The irony was not lost on her.

When the opera was over and they left she was near to tears. Val had spent the whole time thinking about her life, the future and her current options until she was a wreck. Ian took her home and she started crying. He held her sweetly and even sang her a song to cheer her up.

He had a nice singing voice and like most English guys it seemed he'd been in a band for all of his formative teenage years. Pulling her wet act together, she splashed water on her face and convinced him that she was crying because of the play. He actually bought it.

When she turned her face to his and kissed him deeply he eagerly joined in. Almost aggressively, she pushed him back on the bed. He tried to protest a little, slightly disturbed by her change in emotion but she didn't stop and the protest was half-hearted at best. She reached between them, felt him through his dark jeans, then unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, maneuvering her fingers through his clothes until she felt his hard, silky skin in her palm.
This was right
.

Right now, with him, she wanted this. Let him possess her, she thought frantically, someone human
claim
her. Because she knew, in a terrified little part of her, that things were changing. Ian’s hands were shaking when he put the condom on, rummaging around in his drawer and then his closet, trying to remember where he'd stashed them. Val laughed, surprised that he wasn't carrying one on him, just in case. With a mock frown, he told her it was her fault. He'd given up on thinking he was going to get laid and had told his roommate to have at them. Apparently, he had.

He kissed her over and over until they were both panting and then she spread her legs, felt him pressing against her.

Finally, when he was in her, moving gently, telling her how much he loved her, she believed it, clasping him closer, feeling only him as he blocked out the rest of the world and kept her safe in his arms.

Val slept in his room, trying to ignore Ian's roommate who came stumbling in,
blind
drunk at three am. Sleep came to her fitfully as her mind went over the events of yesterday, attempting to process just how much her life had changed in such a short amount of time. Lucas, sex,
the
secrets she now had. Also, the bed was made for one and Ian had disgracefully sharp elbows.

At 6:30 am, she was awoken by the cleaning ladies coming in and banging around in the kitchen. It was still dark outside and Val was exhausted when she snuck back to her room. The old ladies started in the communal kitchen, then did the bathrooms and finally opened every door so they could take the trash out and have a good gander at the irresponsible inhabitants. The last thing Val needed was to be gossip for the cleaning ladies.

When Val opened her door, she was struck by the cold and breeze. She froze, her gaze drawn to the open window.

Jack was sitting on her bed, his feet on the ground,
back
against the wall. His hands were laced across his stomach and he was the picture of relaxation. Sitting up, he put his elbows on his knees, turning his head towards her.

He looked her over, scrutinizing every inch of her. Her mussed hair, clothes that were rumpled because they'd been on Ian's floor all night, and she just
knew
she had mascara on her face from all the crying she'd done. She also knew her lips were a little swollen and that he could tell that too.