Love Is Louder (34 page)

“Babe.” His hand rises to my face. His fingers skim over my cheek as his eyes search mine, capturing my very soul. “I know...I understand.” He hesitates, correcting himself. “What you want. Can we get through this?”

“What is it that we’re going through?”

“Life, B. Fucking life is demanding. I can’t do a kid right now. I just can’t.”

He places his hand on my shoulder, and I turn my head, looking at his hand. I know it is a gesture of reassurance, but nothing can assure me until I hear the words I want to hear.

“Why does this have to be so hard with you?”

He turns his back to me and stares out the window. I hold back tears so lost in my own shit storm of feelings.

“I know what you want. There’s no reason for you to have to say it out loud.”

My eyes flicker restlessly around the room like the shutter of a camera. They land on a photo on the wall. It is one of James and I on our honeymoon. We are smiling. So happy. So ready to take on the world.

“Why can’t you look at me when you say that?” I turn my eyes back to him. “I want to see what is on the inside. All your insecurities. All your fears. Just once for him to tell me. So that we can be truly free.”

“All I need is the air I breathe and you, baby. Just us. Let’s focus on us, okay? For a little while longer? Can
you...we
do that? Work on us?”

“Do you think we can find it?”

“We will. I want to. Let’s get through this.”

Could there be a possibility that he wants a baby, or is he just stalling?

Turning away from him, I fight back tears and stare out the open window as the breeze lifts the drapes like hollow ghosts.

How can we focus on us if he’s not communicating with me?

With a deep breath, I find my voice. “Okay.”

He turns to me, his blue eyes storming with love, rippling like a turbulent ocean.

“Come here.” His head moves to watch me attentively. He flicks off the light, wraps his warm hand around mine, and leads me to the bed. He removes my robe, his hands tender as they slide down my shoulders, his lips soft against my neck.

Can we find it? Can we see it? Can we get though this?

When my thighs hit the soft mattress, he reaches up and cradles my head. Pulling up my chin, I look into his eyes before he places a soft kiss on my lips. My breathing is deep, as I lie motionless. He wraps his arms around me, his warm body flush against mine. I entwine my arms around his waist as he nuzzles his nose in my hair. Tears well up in my eyes, and a tightness forms in my chest while my thoughts create havoc in my mind.

“Baby,” he whispers into my ear. “I love you.”

Running my hand over his cheek, I lean in and kiss him as emotions overpower me. His body hardens against mine, and his hands begin to rove over my body. I feel his lust along my belly, getting the contact I yearn.

“I love you, too,” I say.

“I need you baby. I need to feel you.”

The lonely ache inside burns away, bringing instead an ember of desire.

He runs his hand across my face and through my hair, setting off an electric charge that sparks my core. He can have anything right now, and I will surrender.

As his hand moves to my head, his mouth seals over mine, consuming my lips and my tongue with a gentle but hungry touch. My hands crawl up his chest, feeling the hard broad muscles of his chest underneath my fingertips. I press myself against him, his erection hot and hard against my thigh. I run my hands through his hair and down the base of his neck.

He slips his hand down and cups my breast. My nipples harden as he flicks lightly at one with his thumb. Then he squeezes, using the right amount of roughness, causing a sigh to escape my lips. He places his other hand on my bare leg and slowly traces up my limb. His touch is fire against my skin, and I shiver under his caress, wanting more, wanting to feel, wanting it all to go away, just like James does. I know he wants it all the unrest and complications to vanish.

“I want you inside me.”

I open my thighs for him, coaxing his hand upward with my own. He smiles against my lips as I willingly show him that I need him as must as he needs me. I’m writhing when he dips his finger inside me, lifting my hips to feel more of his touch, needing the release from it all. His fingers reach for the sensitive bud at my core, and I moan, his thumb circling the bundle of nerves with a mixture of deep and gentle pressure.

He murmurs against my mouth, “Baby, you’re driving me crazy. I need to taste you.”

He slides down my body, kissing every inch of me, then he puts his hands on my knees and spreads my legs apart, opening me further, slipping his fingers inside me as his tongue lands on my clit.

His fingers fuck me, plunging in and pulling out in long steady strokes as he sucks and licks my clit. I tug at his hair as I feel a ripple of an orgasm overtake me, my muscles clenching around his fingers. With one last swipe over my clit I’m over the edge in ecstasy.

When my vision clears and my brain returns, James holds me, whispering near my ear, my scent wafting off his lips. But even as I come, James doesn’t stop the assault. He moves between my legs and slides inside me, my pussy wet from my orgasm. He wastes no time establishing a steady rhythm, powering into me with each stroke. I feel him in every part of me, desire sparking all over my skin.

Waves crash through me, tightening my belly, curling my toes, making my body shudder with pleasure as my climax comes quickly again. His eyes never leave mine, though they are narrowed as he releases, groaning my name. He collapses next to me. Pulling my body into his, he trails his nose along my jaw, his breath warm on my skin.

I rest my head on his chest, listening to the strong beating of his heart. I want to start the conversation about my insecurities, but I’m unable to bring myself to begin. The silence is doing nothing but tormenting me. This is about worry, awareness, and crossing a line in our marriage. The lines are there because you feel them, but they are too hard to explain and share. The distrust, the resentment, the sexual fantasies, the flirtations with other women, and avoiding these lines and pretending they don’t exist. We’re both toeing the line, and sooner or later, we’re going to have to cross it, together or alone.

It will happen.

Micah and I have a three o’clock appointment with the lawyer today, and here we are five minutes to three and stuck in traffic in midtown Manhattan. Mom wanted to come, but we told her it wasn’t necessary for her to be here. She needs to take care of Lily instead, and she knows we will get back to her on what we find out.

As I try to find a parking space in front of the building, I make myself think of positive scenarios, memories, anything to get my mind off what we’re walking into. I don’t want another void in my life. It makes my heart beat erratically and fear settle in my bones. I hope this lawyer can help us find a way out of this. I don’t want to be caught off guard with anything. I glance over at Micah staring out the windshield with his mouth turned down. He hasn’t said a word in ten minutes. He’s probably thinking the same thing I am right now as he adjusts his skinny navy blue tie before hopping out of the truck.

I hold my breath as I push two massive glass doors open and enter the building. We’re dressed for the occasion in black slacks and stiff button-up dress shirts. First impressions are important. We sign in at the security desk, and a couple minutes later, we board the elevator. As it shoots us up to the twenty-first floor, a ball of anxiety rolls around in the pit of my stomach. We stand in silence, neither one of us in the mood to talk. We’ll be doing plenty of talking when we finally meet with Brandon Trent.

The doors glide open, and a blonde in a tailored business suit carrying a thick file brushes past us to board the elevator, bumping into Micah in her haste. Micah wastes no time flashing her a smile as the doors start to close. Clearly, this woman is too perturbed to give my brother the time of day, but Micah doesn’t seem to give a shit either way.

I shake my head. “Dude, we came here for one thing and one thing only.”

He furrows his eyebrows as he shrugs his shoulders.

“I know man. I just needed something to lighten the mood for a minute. You know how it is, right? Don’t tell me—”

“Yeah,” I cut him off. “But now we need to get serious.” Our eyes lock in understanding as my phone starts trilling in my back pocket.

“Who is it?”

My eyes drop to the flashing screen.

“Dana.” I take a moment to gather my breath and swipe my finger across the screen to answer. “Hello,” I answer gruffly.

“Did you find the place?” Dana asks.

“Yeah.” I frown. Glancing over my shoulder, I assess the lavish lobby with polished white marble floors, luxurious leather cream sofas in the waiting area, and rich mahogany furniture. Just based on this space alone, Mr. Trent has had his share of successes in court, and I hope if he takes my case, it will be another notch on his belt.

“It’ll be okay. You have to do this.”

I remain silent. A shiver of anticipation races through me. This entire process is more than I can handle, wondering and hoping this guy can give me what I want.

To keep Lily with me.

“Mason...things will be fine.” Dana’s voice slices through my thoughts.

“I want to believe that, but the fact of the matter is he’s her dad and I...we could lose her, “I mutter, staring up at my brother who’s rocking back on his heels. “I can’t talk about it. We’re here right now. I’ll let you know how things go.”

“Okay. You’re doing what you have to do.” I can hear her blow the hair off her face.

“I know. It’s the only thing I can do.”

“I’ll try to find out more on my end—”

“About what?” I interrupt, feeling the heat rushing from under my collar.

“Cole and Caleb. I want to know what they’re up to.”

“Hey, I don’t want you doing anything without me.”

“I can handle those two. Don’t worry. I mean, seriously, they can’t be that stupid. They know they’re going to have to deal with you regardless.”

“Fine, Dana. Let me know if you learn anything.”

“I will.” She pauses. The silence is weighty. “Don’t worry and good luck.”

“Thanks.”

I hang up, slip the phone into my back pocket, and peer up at Micah.

“Things will be fine,” he says in an unsure tone that matches my unsettled frame of mind.

I nod, unable to shake the edgy sense of fear surrounding both of us. “We’ve got a top-notch lawyer. I have no doubt he’s got all the answers.”

“Yeah, if we pay up.” Micah smirks, rubbing his thumbs and fingers, indicating Mr. Trent is going to want top dollar for his services.

“Don’t worry. Money is not an issue here.”

Passing through the crystal clear glass doors with staff moving between offices while flipping through thick files, I feel confident Mr. Trent is the man that will not disappoint me.

A curvy woman wearing a cream-colored suit settles us in the gleaming mirrored reception area and offers us water. We both accept. My mouth is dry, and my hands are clammy. The woman walks back to her desk and picks up her phone to let Brandon Trent know his appointment is here. I take a seat on the leather sofa, and Micah sits in the matching armchair across from me, staring out the window.

“Bro, what are you thinking about?” I sit straighter, attempting to find some semblance of confidence.

“I’m kind of freaking out, man.” He aims his unblinking eyes at me and waits for me to say something reassuring about this whole thing, but I can’t. Not this time. I don’t have the answer he wants to hear.

“I know,” I mutter, twisting my ring on my finger. “This is all we can do for now.”

A whole range of situations and outcomes runs through my head, number one being not having Lily like we have her now—safe with us.

He nods. Leaning forward, he inhales a deep breath as he stares down at the floor, clenching his head between his hands. He pulls his eyes from the floor and looks directly at me. “Four fucking years?” he hisses. “He thinks he can come back and snatch her, whisk her away like nothing connects her here. He’s not going to rip her away from us, Bro. There’s no fucking way.”