Love Is More Than Skin Deep (A Hidden Hearts Novel Book 4) (14 page)

“Well, I give you massive kudos for being a very grown-up grown-up. I’m not sure I would be so generous. I’ll try not to give her a piece of my mind if we ever have the misfortune of being face-to-face. I think what she did to you and Ketki is despicable. Ketki is amazing and she did not deserve to be discarded like yesterday’s trash,” I sputter indignantly.

Mark draws big circles on my back with his hands being careful to avoid any of my sore spots. He took such a careful catalog of all of my pain last night. It was like he worshiped every inch of me. He kisses the top of my head as he remarks, “
Immokalee
, do we really want to waste the time we have together talking about my ex-wife? I can think of much more productive ways to use it.”

As usual, Mark makes an excellent point. I ignore the twinges in my ribs and back as I throw the blankets off his chest and throw my leg over his so that I’m straddling him. As I start to kiss his jaw and chest, I look up coyly and remark, “You’re right. This is a much more productive use of my time.”

The air is stale and tastes like chemicals. Someone has tried to make the environment less clinical by hanging some brightly colored abstract art on the wall. Unfortunately, it doesn’t evoke the feeling of home, it just feels out of place and wrong. Everything about this place is a reminder of the pain and suffering as a result of the procedure I’m going to subject myself to again. It completely blows my mind that I have to start again from scratch. I had worked so hard on my rehab. I hate thinking in circles. I’ve been doing it for days. One minute I’m fine and the next minute, I’m so angry that I can’t think. I’m angry because my body betrayed me. I’m angry because one little PET scan has the power to change my whole life. Yet, I’m even more angry at the life choices I made to bring me to this point. I try to distract myself from my disappointment by talking to Mark about inane stuff, “I couldn’t believe it the other day when Jade told me the story of her engagement. It’s amazing that she had the presence of mind to say yes. I’m so nervous that I don’t even remember my own name,” I babble.

Mark squeezes my hand. It feels weird because at the same time, the blood pressure cuff is automatically taking my blood pressure. I hate all of these crazy machines. How do I even know that they’re doing their jobs correctly? Yet, no one else seems remotely concerned or alarmed, so I focus on taking a deep breath and breathing through it all.
 

“Shelby, Dr. Charleston was totally baffled by the fact that the PET scan had not been done before this surgery. He is not sure whose results he was shown, but they weren’t yours. Dr. Charleston is not happy with the hospital and basically read them the riot act. He threatened to pull his credentials from this hospital if they don’t tighten their protocols.”

“That doesn’t help me much, does it? I still have to have surgery yet another time,” I snap, feeling panic over take me.

“I’m sorry that I can’t make that part go away for you too, I wish I could. I’ve got a team at Hunters Crossing looking into ways to make the hospital sit up and take notice of their protocol,” Mark growls under his breath.

“Is that a fancy way of telling me you’re going to sue the pants off of them?” I whisper, my eyes wide with shock. “I didn’t think you guys did that kind of thing at your office.”

“We’ve been looking into expanding our clientele,” he answers succinctly.

Mark and I both jump about a foot in the air when we are interrupted by a nurse. “Excuse me, Ms. Lyons, I just want to let you know that Dr. Holtz, the anesthesiologist, has been delayed a few minutes.”
 

Her voice is instantly recognizable to me and I look up to see a set of familiar brown eyes. I eagerly tap Mark on the shoulder as I announce, “Mark, remember I told you about that really cool nurse who helped me keep my calm when I was losing my mind on the operating table the last time I was in here? This is her! I can’t believe it.”
 

I turn to her and earnestly declare, “I’m so glad I ran into you again. I never got a chance to say thank you for helping me keep it together that day. I was so scared and you helped me. I’m sorry, I never had a chance to get your name because I was so groggy.”

Mark lets out a deep heaving sigh as he sits forward in his chair, shaking his head. He and the nurse both look like they’ve been hit in the solar plexus.
 

“Shelby,” he says, after pausing a few moments to regain his speech, “You’ll recall I told you that there must be forces bigger than us involved with our meeting? Meet the next exhibit —”

“Mark, what are you talking about?” I ask, completely befuddled.

“I mean — my brother, karma or the spirits must be having some fun now because your favorite nurse happens to be my ex-wife, Tanyanita.”

“Wow. Just wow. Did you
know
she was a nurse?” I stammer after a few moments. “Did you arrange for her to work on my case? I’m sorry I’m just really confused.”

“No, there’s no way that he could have done that,” the woman supplies in a rather shaky voice. “The last time I spoke to Mark, I was still getting my ears wet as a CNA. He would have had no idea that I’ve worked my way up to the rank of surgical nurse.”

“So, you guys don’t talk at all? Like not at all — you don’t even know how Ketki is doing?”

Tanyanita slumps against the doorframe as she answers, “No, I don’t know. I figure that I forfeited the right to find that out when I was foolish enough to walk out the door. I just couldn’t find a way to balance who I was with what my daughter needed from me and I lost myself and my daughter in the process. It took me a while to figure it all out and when I did, I figured that it would be better for everyone if I just stayed away.”

As I watch the emotions play across the face of the woman I thought I would never understand, something utterly shocking happens. I begin to feel sorry for my former sworn enemy. She seems truly regretful. She’s not at all the monster that I envisioned her to be. “That must’ve been tough,” I sympathize.

Tears spring to her eyes as she insists, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this at work. If you want me to be transferred off your case, I guess that can be arranged.”

I hold up my hand to get her attention. “Tanyanita, please stop. The only reason that I brought you to Mark’s attention to begin with is because I thought you did an exceptional job as a nurse. It would be silly for me to ask for a different nurse because you guys know each other. I know that you’re a professional. I will see you in a few minutes. Hopefully, you won’t have to talk me down from the ceiling this time. Although if you have to, I have no doubt that you can.”

Tanyanita nods her head toward me in acknowledgment as she acquiesces, “All right then Ms. Lyons. I’ll see you back in the operating theater. Hopefully, this time won’t be as traumatizing for you since you know what to expect. Thank you for your kindness.”
 

She turns toward Mark and comments, “This one is pretty nice. She’ll probably treat you better than I did.”

IF YOU HAD TOLD ME that my two worlds were going to collide like this, I would’ve laughed in your face. Never happen in a million years. How ironic is it that the woman I loved in my past is taking care of the person that I see loving in the future? I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around all of the coincidences that needed to happen in the universe. I didn’t even know that my ex-wife was seriously considering nursing. Last I knew, she was doing CNA work because it was a way to make some quick money. She hated working retail, and one of my classmates in law school mentioned that they made a pretty big shift differential by working CNA jobs at nights and on the weekends. It worked well for us to work opposite shifts after Ketki was born, so Tanyanita was more than willing to work nights for the extra money — I’m just surprised she elected to make a career out of it.

According to Shelby, she’s a really good nurse. Yet, I still struggle with the idea that she can care so much for one group of people and so little for her own daughter. I don’t know how to make sense of that fact. I don’t know what I thought she was doing with her life, but caring for people wasn’t it. I guess I figured she was some high-powered executive moving stocks on the stock exchange or something equally impersonal. The fact that she cares for people for money but is unable to care for our own daughter just sticks in my craw in a way that I can’t even explain. Why can’t she do both? Why after all these years didn’t she reach out and say, “Hey, I’ve made peace with myself and my decisions?’’

I’m pacing back-and-forth in front of the fountain of some nondescript park. I feel like I’m waiting for some illicit drug deal to go down instead of a conversation I should’ve had with my ex-wife years ago. I hate that I had to lie to virtually everyone to make this conversation happen. I certainly wasn’t going to tell my sister when I dropped Ketki off. The resulting can of worms would’ve been so large, I would’ve never been able to get the lid on. Instead, I made some vague comment about running errands.

Rogue and Jade are entertaining Shelby at the house today. Her recovery from this operation has been rough. It’s so much harder on her than the last one — and the last one was downright hellish. Her friends are trying their best to distract her from the pain and boredom of having to stay completely immobile. Her incisions this time are deeper and more extensive so it is critically important that she stay completely inactive. This is not Shelby’s style and it’s driving her absolutely crazy.

Finally, I come to rest on an old wrought-iron bench and try to concentrate on checking phone messages from work. I’m about to throw in the towel and declare my efforts completely ineffective when Tanyanita comes up beside me and brushes an air kiss near my cheek. “I would say that happy looks good on you Mark, but right now you look ready to murder your phone.”

“I am. I hate trying to read this thing in the sunlight,” I admit. “Enough of the small talk. Fancy meeting you here or anywhere —” I begin with more than a trace of bitterness in my voice.

For a moment, Tanyanita looks as if I’ve slapped her but then she straightens her spine and answers. “I know. It’s definitely one of those stranger than fiction moments. I’m sorry about Shelby though. She seems like a really great person.”

“She is. She’s one of the best. I’m really frustrated that I can’t get anyone to give me a concrete answer about her cancer. Why won’t anybody just spell it out in black and white for me?”

“Mark, I’m sorry we can’t. The best we can do is give you vague statistics about the number of people who beat the disease but we can’t tell you who or why. Anything else would be a lie. I wish we could make promises but every case is individual. There are no black-and-white answers with cancer. We’re getting closer with things like gene therapy — it’s better than it used to be, but we’re not there yet. I can tell how much Shelby means to you, and if I could give you answers, I would, but I can’t.”

“It’s so ironic—.” I tell her. “For
years
I waited for you to come back into my life. My life was completely vacant, there was room for you to find yourself and come back — but you didn’t. For almost seven years — you didn’t come back. I don’t even know what to think about that. How in the world could you abandon your daughter for seven years without a word? Without a single solitary freakin’ word — and now that I’ve finally found someone, you decide to waltz back in?”

A single gasp is the only indication that I have that my words are inflicting direct blows. I raise my eyes and look at the woman who was once my wife and when she has established contact with me she says in a broken whisper, “You’ll never know how much I regret that decision—but I can’t take it back. Ketki is her own person without me. I can’t explain what I did, she will never understand. Sometimes, I don’t understand it myself, so how can I expect her to understand?”

“How can you help random people every day but not give a shit about your own daughter?” I ask, my lip curling in contempt.

“Don’t you understand that that’s why I went into nursing? I had to understand why I couldn’t bond with my daughter. I felt like a defective human being. I wanted to know what was broken inside of me that I didn’t feel like a normal mom. I felt like if I studied about it, I might understand what was wrong with me.”