Love Left Behind (26 page)

She shook her head, the
fierceness leaving her eyes as they dulled with pain. "The doctors aren't
sure. There are significant spinal injuries and it's too soon to tell."
Her eyes were intense again as she glared at me. "Don't say anything to
Sean about his legs. He doesn't know that he might not be able to walk again.
He just thinks that the numbness is temporary, and that he'll be able to feel
his legs again. It's too much for him right now to know that he might be stuck
in a wheelchair for the rest of his life."

I nodded, even though I
didn't agree with keeping it from Sean, but I was in no position to judge.

I went home and spent
most of the afternoon sitting in front of the TV although I barely paid
attention to it. My mother was keeping her distance, seemingly unable to deal
with all the emotional turmoil. Ever since my father died, she had done
everything she could to avoid messy emotions.

I had to wait for
Jackson to call me since he was flying into L.A. today. We had only spoken
briefly the night before because I had been exhausted from the flight and the
stress of everything that had happened. I eagerly answered the phone when it
rang and I saw his name flash across the screen.

"Emma! How are you
doing?" There was so much concern in Jackson's voice. I desperately wished
I was with him right now.

"I'm okay. I went
to visit Sean today. He's in pretty bad shape."

"I'm sorry to hear
that. Do you know when you're coming out here?"

"I'm not sure,
Jackson. It's going to be a couple of days. I just want to make sure Sean's
okay before I leave. Emotionally, at least. The last thing I want is for him to
try something like this again."

Jackson sighed, but
didn't say anything. I tried to change the subject.

"How was your
flight? Are you excited about tomorrow?"

"I just landed and
I'm on my way to the apartment."

"I'm so
disappointed I won't get to see it with you," I replied glumly. We had
only seen online pictures of our rental apartment and it depressed me that I
wouldn't be there with Jackson to see it for the first time.

"Just stay on the
phone with me, sweetheart. We can still be together when I go into the
apartment, even if you're on the phone."

I agreed eagerly and I
laughed for the first time today when he took pictures from his phone and sent
them to me, sticking his head into some of them. He moved from room to room,
making comments about what he saw. We were both loathe to hang up, so we ended
up spending hours on the phone. I listened to him order a sandwich when he ran
out to a nearby deli and he waited while I heated up some leftover chili my mom
had made. We ate together, talking about all the different things we were going
to do when I first got to L.A. We even watched TV together, although we
couldn't match up the shows because of the time difference. Instead, we took
turns describing what we were watching.

After six hours, we
were both exhausted and agreed that it was time to hang up.

"I'll call you
tomorrow, sweetheart. Try to get some sleep. I love you."

"I love you too,
Jackson."

I lay in bed for a
while before I was able to fall asleep, feeling a sense of emptiness because
Jackson wasn't next to me.

The next few days fell
into a pattern. I would visit Sean in the hospital and then mope around the
house until Jackson called. The calls came later and later as Jackson became
busier, the time difference not helping. I knew he was growing more and more
agitated when I kept pushing off my departure date. Sean's last words at the
end of every visit was a plea for me to come back the next day, and I found it
hard to say no to him.

Jackson reached his
breaking point on Thursday.

"What's going on,
Emma? You've been there for five days. How much more time do you need?"
His voice was straining with impatience. I knew I was being unfair by dragging
this out, but I didn't have the heart to refuse Sean's daily request to visit
him again.

"Tomorrow," I
said after a deep breath. "Tomorrow will be the last day I visit Sean.
I'll look into flights leaving Saturday for L.A."

"Thank God,"
Jackson said, sounding relieved. "I know you're trying to help Sean, but
you're not obligated anymore. He has to get used to you not being in his
life." His voice lowered, sounding hoarse. "I need you with me, Emma."

"I need to be with
you too. I'll let you know about my flight tomorrow."

I woke up to a
beautiful Friday morning, the sun shining through the window of my old bedroom
that my mother had kept exactly the same. It had been hard to look at the
pictures still tacked up on the bulletin board above my desk. There were so
many of Sean and me, as well as Trisha. It reminded me that there had been
plenty of happy moments in my past. I seemed to have forgotten that in the rush
to escape my old life.

When I got to the
hospital, Mrs. Somers met me in the hallway outside Sean's room. She was still
distrustful, but she had been tolerating my presence since Sean was so
insistent that I visit him every day. She looked shaken when she stopped me
from going into his room.

"He knows about
his legs. Some stupid nurse let it slip and he's going crazy."

I grimaced, even though
I thought it was a mistake to keep the condition of his legs from Sean. That
didn't mean I wanted to witness what the realization would do to him.

"Be careful,"
Mrs. Somers warned. "He's not himself."

I pushed the door open
slowly and Sean whipped his head towards me. He laughed harshly when he saw the
cautious look on my face.

"Here to visit the
cripple?" Sean's voice was snide, a tone I had never heard from him
before, even when I had called off our wedding. He waved towards his legs,
looking at them distastefully. "I'm sure you know that these things are
useless. Everyone seems to know except me."

"Sean," I
said softly, approaching him slowly. He was like a wild animal that I didn't
want to startle. "We didn't tell you because we wanted to protect you. And
there's a chance that you can walk again."

Sean's mouth twisted in
a sneer. "
You
wanted to protect
me? That's funny. You were the one to rip my fucking heart out."

I breathed deeply,
willing myself not to cry. The last thing Sean needed was for me to start
blubbering. "I deserve that. But it's true. Your mother is so worried
about you."

"Where's my
fucking father?"

I didn't know how to
answer that. Mrs. Somers had contacted Sean's father with the news, but he had
simply said to keep him updated on Sean's condition. Apparently, he was too
busy with his new wife and kids to give a damn.

"I don't know,
Sean, but your mother has been here night and day. I know you're angry right
now, but please don't give up on the chance that you'll walk again. If anyone
has the determination to get what he wants, it's you."

The anger drained from
Sean's face and he leaned against the pillow, looking exhausted. "But what
I wanted was you," he whispered, closing his eyes. "I've known that
since the first moment I first saw you in Biology class and you refused to
dissect the frog on principle. I thought you wanted me too."

I sat down on the chair
beside the bed and bowed my head, tears streaming down my face unchecked. I
remembered that moment as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. I had been
arguing with Mr. Steiner, the biology teacher, about the ethics of dissecting a
frog. Sean had joined in the argument, taking my defense, and I had been in awe
of this cute boy with sandy brown hair and sparkling blue eyes taking up my
cause.

That boy was now a
broken man, and I had been the one to break him.

I sat there for a
while, both of us silent. I wasn't sure if he had fallen asleep, but when I got
up to leave, he opened his eyes.

"Will you come
back tomorrow?"

I hesitated, not
knowing how I could tell him that I was leaving. Especially now that he knew
about his legs.

"Sean," I
started slowly. "I think it's time-"

Sean grabbed my hand,
startling me. I saw desperation on his face and felt it in his grip.
"Emma, please don't leave me. I can't do this on my own. I need you, if
only for a little bit longer. I don't know what I'll do if you leave me
now."

I couldn't tell him I
wasn't coming back. Those pleading eyes had cared for me for so long, those
hands had soothed me so often that I nodded before I even realized it.

"Okay, Sean, okay.
I'll be back tomorrow."

Sean slumped back in
relief and his eyes fluttered closed again. I stood there for a while as a
realization came over me. I didn't have it in me to leave Sean while he was in
this state. I didn't know what Jackson's reaction would be when I asked him for
more time, but I steeled myself against the confrontation. Despite our history,
despite the fact that we hadn't spoken for months except for one drunken phone
call, Sean had been my best friend for most of my life. I owed it to him.

When Jackson called me
later that night, I was tense for the fight I knew we were about to have.

"Hi,
sweetheart!"

"Hi, Jackson."

"What time are you
flying out tomorrow? There's this great Italian restaurant that I think you'll
love. I was thinking that could be our first dinner here together."

I struggled to find the
right words to say, not realizing my silence was enough of an answer.

"You're not coming
tomorrow, are you?" Jackson said, his voice dropping.

"Jackson," I
pleaded. "Sean just found out that he might never walk again. He's crazy
with despair and I can't leave him in this state."

"Can't or
won't?" Jackson's voice was dangerously soft, as if he didn't trust
himself to speak any louder or he would lose it.

"I wish I could
leave! I miss you so much and I want to start our life together in L.A. But I
can't do that knowing that Sean is here suffering so much, knowing that there's
a chance that he could try and hurt himself again."

"What are you
saying?"

"I just need some
more time."

"How much
time?" Jackson asked, his voice strained.

"That's the thing,
I don't know," I answered quickly, trying to explain the situation.
"The doctors don't know yet about his chances of walking again. Even with
a good chance, it's going to take a lot of rehabilitation." I swallowed
before I continued. The words I was about to say next hurt me as much as I knew
they would hurt Jackson. "I think it's best if we put my moving out there
on hold indefinitely. At least until I get a better handle on what's going to
happen to Sean. I know it's a lot to ask, and I know you're upset, but I just
can't leave now."

I held my breath as I
waited for Jackson to respond, growing more and more tense as the silence
continued. I was about to break the silence when Jackson spoke, his voice harsh
and low.

"Don't do this,
Emma. Don't fucking ruin us."

"I'm not doing
this to ruin us," I said quickly. "I just can't abandon Sean now. He
was part of my life for ten years and he needs me right now. Please try to
understand."

"I understand. I
understand that you're throwing away everything we have because you feel
guilty. You feel guilty because you practically left him at the altar. You feel
guilty because you pretended to be in love with him for all those years, when
in reality, you could have fucking cared less. Now you're trying to make
yourself feel better. This is about you, not Sean."

"Jackson,
please," I said, trying to talk through my tears. "I love you. And
you're right. I do feel guilty. I have to make it up to him."

"What about
me?" Jackson rasped, his voice filled with pain. "What happens to me
while you're making yourself feel better?"

"I love you,
Jackson," I said desperately. "Please, just give me time."

"Time for what?
Time for you to totally obliterate my heart? To crush me even more than I am
now? Instead of hurting Sean, you've chosen to hurt me."

"Jackson," I
sobbed. "Please. I love you. I'm not choosing Sean over you. He's just so
weak right now."

I didn't know what else
to say, my guilt not allowing me to let go of Sean, but my love for Jackson
making my heart shatter.

"I need time to
think, Emma. I need time to fucking think because I'm going crazy right now and
all I want to do is yell and scream. I'll call you when I can talk to you
without wanting to hurt you as much as you've hurt me."

The phone went dead and
it slid from my numb hand. I clutched the diamond pendant on my neck, as if it
was the only thing keeping me sane and grounded in a world gone crazy.

My mother wasn't home,
so she didn't hear me sobbing until my body was weak from crying so violently.
I felt as if my world was falling apart, and I had no one to blame but myself.

I used to believe that
you're never given more than you can handle. This theory was put to the test on
Saturday when I was awoken from a restless sleep by the ringing of my cell
phone. I had dreamed constantly of Jackson, his face angry and full of pain. I
grabbed my phone, hoping it was Jackson, but was bitterly disappointed when I
saw it was a number I didn't recognize.

"Hello?"

"Emma, it's Mary.
Get to the hospital as soon as possible. Sean tried to kill himself again last
night."

Mrs. Somers words had
me jumping out of bed, my heart beating frantically as I ran to the living room
and grabbed my mother's car keys from the coffee table.

"How is that
possible?" I exclaimed, the phone still to my ear as I grabbed my purse.
"How could he try to kill himself in a hospital? Aren't they watching
him?"

"He broke a
plastic spoon and tried to slash his wrists with the sharp edge. Please, just
hurry. He's not responding to anything I'm saying. He's not responding to
anyone."