Love Left Behind (33 page)

"Hi, Drew, thanks
for waiting," I said when he picked up. "I'm ready if you are."

"I'll be right
over."

I freshened up my
make-up while I waited for Drew, trying to muster some enthusiasm for the date.
An attractive, successful man was interested in me but instead of feeling
nervous and excited, I was wishing I could just go home and crawl into bed.

I smiled when Drew
strode into my office, telling myself I would have a good time. We went to a
bar nearby and I tried to relax, hoping the vodka tonic I had ordered would
loosen me up.

"So tell me about
yourself, Emma Mills," Drew asked, leaning forward in his chair. "I
don't know much about you except that you're an amazing account director."

"There's not much
to tell," I replied with a faint smile. "I grew up in Maryland and
lived in D.C. for the past five years after I left Mass Comm." I didn't
want to discuss the circumstances of why I had left Mass Comm, which I was sure
Drew knew about, so I quickly changed the subject to him. "What about you?
Where did you grow up?"

I listened to Drew tell
me about his childhood in Boston and we had an easy conversation as we went
through the usual first date topics. I learned that Drew had grown up with a
single mother who had taken care of him and his sister by working multiple jobs
to keep a roof over their head. Drew had worked as a carpenter to put himself
through college, earning a 4.0 GPA while barely having time to sleep. He had
built himself up from meager beginnings and I admired the self-made man who
became a success through sheer determination and will, coupled with a brilliant
mind. But despite my admiration, I didn't feel a spark with him. I didn't feel
the need to know as much about him as I possibly could. It was hard not
thinking about Jackson while Drew was talking, wondering what he was doing and
who he was doing it with. So when we stepped outside of the bar after a few
drinks, it was easy to refuse his request for another date.

"I'm sorry, Drew."
And I really was. I wished that I felt something for him. I could use him to
take my mind off Jackson, but I knew that was unfair to Drew. So I lied,
knowing that despite my excuse, I would have welcomed a relationship at this
state of my life. "I had a great time tonight, but things are a little
complicated in my life right now. I don't really have room for a relationship.
I'm sorry if I misled you by agreeing to a drink tonight."

Drew looked
disappointed but he took the rejection with grace. "I'm sorry to hear
that, but I hope we can remain friends. Let me know if your life ever
uncomplicates."

I was grateful for
Drew's acceptance of my excuse and his willingness to settle for a friendship.
I promised to have lunch with him soon and was relieved when a cab whisked me
back home, happy to be in the comfort of my apartment.

I forced myself not to
turn on my laptop and search for news about Jackson, turning on the television
instead and mindlessly eating M&M's while watching a terrible sitcom. I was
midway through the family-sized bag when my phone rang, jerking me away from my
self-induced chocolate haze. My heart leapt in my throat when I saw Jackson's
name flashing across the screen of my cell phone. I was surprised that his
number was still the same. I had assumed that since he became a celebrity, he
would have changed his cell phone number for the sake of privacy. That didn't
stop me from keeping his number programmed in my phone all these years, as
pathetic as it was.

I grabbed the phone and
answered it, cursing my eagerness.

"Hello?" I
said tentatively.

"Emma. I didn't
think you would answer." Jackson sounded tired and relieved and my pulse
quickened from hearing his voice.

"What do you want,
Jackson?"

"I need to see
you." He exhaled harshly. "I know I made an ass out of myself last
time. I promise not to act like an animal again. We can meet in public, if that
makes you feel better."

"Haven't we
already said everything we need to? What's the point of dredging up the
past?"

"You said you
would answer my questions. I wasn't able to ask you everything I needed to last
time because...I got carried away. Just one last time. Let's meet one last
time, and then I'll leave you alone."

"Are you sure
Candace is going to be okay with that?" I couldn't help myself from
throwing out the barb, my tone catty and snide.

"All the stuff you
see online and in tabloids is crap," Jackson replied flatly. "She's
strictly a friend."

"Pictures don't
lie, Jackson," I countered accusingly. "You two seemed pretty cozy.
Shouldn't you try being faithful? You might like the novelty of it."

Jackson breathed in
deeply, as if he was trying to reign in his temper. "Those were just some
photo ops of us in the countries we visited during our promo tour. It's
strictly professional."

I was afraid to agree
to meet up with Jackson. Afraid of the feelings that would surface if I saw him
again. I had fooled myself into believing I was over him, but our last
encounter made me realize that five years wasn't enough to erase my feelings
for him. I felt pathetic and vulnerable, realizing that even his infidelity
didn't have the power to make me hate him.

"Please,
Emma," Jackson pleaded softly when I didn't answer.

I should have refused.
I should have demanded that he ask me the questions over the phone, that there
was no need to meet in person. But my sick heart hungered to see him again. I
promised myself that it would just be this one last time.

"Okay."

Jackson breathed a sigh
of relief. "I get back into New York on Saturday morning. I can meet you
at noon. Why don't we meet at Andrews, the coffee shop we used to go to in the
East Village?"

The thought of our old
coffee shop, where we had spent countless mornings eating greasy diner food and
lingering over coffee was painful to remember, but I agreed. After I hung up
the phone, I wondered if I was a masochist. It seemed as if I was running
headfirst into heartbreak, but I was unable to stop myself.

The self-destructive
behavior continued when I took the diamond pendant out of my jewelry box and
fastened it around my neck again. I could never bring myself to sell it, even
though it held painful memories. I slept restlessly that night, clutching the
pendant in my hand and wishing that things could have turned out differently.

Drew stayed true to his
word and we were able to strike up an easy friendship at work, despite
Celeste's disappointment that we hadn't started dating. I was grateful for his
guidance and advice, since he had a lot of knowledge that I was eager to tap
into since he was a vice president at Forrester. Our promised lunch was a
mixture of business and pleasure and I was surprised at how funny he was. I had
always thought of Drew as serious, and even on our date he had seemed buttoned
up, but now that the possibility of a dating relationship had passed he seemed
relaxed and laid back.

Despite the distraction
of work and Drew, the next few days seemed to crawl at a snail's pace and I
kept wishing the hours would go by faster, yearning to see Jackson. I told
myself it was because I was looking forward to finally getting closure on our
relationship so that I could move on with my life, but I knew that was an
excuse.

Saturday was sunny and
hot and I dressed with more care than usual. I hoped my white shorts and blue
oversized shirt with wedges made me look casual yet trendy. I didn't want
Jackson to think I had put too much effort into my appearance, but I wanted his
last encounter with me to make an impression. I had foolishly been wearing the
diamond pendant since I had put it on the night of our phone conversation, but
I made sure to take it off before leaving the apartment. The last thing I
needed was for Jackson to see me wearing it, mortified that he would think I
was still pining away for him.

I tried to remain calm
when I climbed out of the cab in front of Andrews and saw Jackson standing in
front of the diner. He was wearing another baseball cap, along with jeans and a
green t-shirt. It was unfair that it took me so long to be satisfied with my
appearance today yet Jackson looked amazing even though he had probably just
thrown on clothes without a second thought.

"Hi," I said
cautiously when I approached him, not knowing what the mood of our encounter
would be today.

"Thanks for
coming. I was afraid that you weren't going to show up." Jackson rocked
back on his heels, looking uncomfortable as he rubbed the back of his neck with
one hand. "Let's go inside."

Jackson opened the door
and I was careful not to brush up against him when I walked past him. Stepping
into Andrews brought back a rush of memories. The diner looked exactly the same
as it had five years ago. Even the aroma of grease and coffee was the same. We
settled in a booth in a quiet corner of the diner, away from prying eyes. The
last thing I wanted was for someone to recognize Jackson and start snapping
pictures. The advent of the camera phone made every citizen into potential
paparazzi.

"Aren't you
worried about being recognized? Maybe you should be wearing sunglasses."

Jackson gave a faint
smile. "New York is much better than L.A. The paparazzi don't hound you as
much and New Yorkers don't really seem to care much about celebrities."

"If you say
so," I said skeptically. Despite the ennui that many New Yorkers
portrayed, I had seen their eager stares that night at Eleven Madison Park and I
had definitely seen their phones held up to take pictures.

A waitress stopped by
to take our order and I saw that some things had changed at Andrews. Darcy, an
older woman with a grey streaked bun and a wicked sense of humor had been our
usual waitress, but now a twenty-something girl took our order with an air of
boredom.

"I'll have a
coffee."

"Aren't you
eating?" Jackson asked with a frown.

I shook my head.
"No, but you go ahead if you're hungry." I watched Jackson order a
coffee along with a breakfast laden with cholesterol and fat. I wanted to make
a joke after the waitress left about watching his waistline for all his adoring
female fans, but I bit my lip. We weren't friends and I had to remember the
circumstances that we were meeting under. We were former lovers that had hurt
each other and were now simply trying to lay our past to rest.

I expected Jackson to
launch into his questions, but he just gave me a grim smile, fiddling with his
cup of coffee.

"You look
tired," I commented when the silence grew to be too much. Jackson had dark
circles under his eyes and looked exhausted.

"I just flew in
from Japan and I'm fighting jet lag."

I raised my eyebrows as
I took a sip of my coffee to have something to do. "I assumed you were in
L.A. when you called me, and was flying in from there."

"No, I just
finished my last round of promotions in Europe and Asia. Thankfully, now I can
just have some time to myself."

"That's
good." I cleared my throat, wanting to get this over with. The longer I
was with Jackson, the more vulnerable I felt. "So, go ahead and ask your
questions."

"Do you mind if we
shelve that until after I eat? I'm exhausted and starving, and I don't think I
can take a stressful conversation on an empty stomach." Jackson looked up
from his coffee cup that he had been staring at. "For a little while, can
we just pretend that we're two friends catching up on each other's lives? If
this is the last time we see each other, I don't want it all to be bitterness
and past regrets."

Jackson's request was
dangerous. It was dangerous to forget that this was the man who had shattered
my heart. But I couldn't deny his plea because I also hungered to just talk to
him. Five years was a long time and I couldn't carry the burden of his
infidelity forever.

"Okay," I agreed
with a guarded smile.

Jackson's shoulders
slackened as if tension had been released from his body. He gave me a genuine
smile that reminded me so much of the old days that I felt an ache.
"Great. Tell me why you moved back to New York."

"I got a job offer
here and it was too good to pass up. I was working at an ad agency in D.C. but
it was a much smaller company." I paused, not wanting to be the only one
sharing details. "So, how does it feel being a big celebrity?"

The sound of Jackson's
rumbling laughter made my chest tighten, the familiarity of it painful. It
reminded me that there had been a time when we shared everything, and his
laughter had been a constant in my life.

"It's not what I
expected it to be. I wish I could act without the whole fame thing. It's tiring
and it gets old really fast."

"Still, it must be
nice to have the whole world in love with you. Just the other day, I overheard
two women in a shoe store swooning over you."

Jackson's smile
vanished and his face darkened. "It's an artificial life in an artificial
world. People don't love me. They love the fantasy of me."

I nervously fidgeted
with my coffee cup, not knowing how to respond to Jackson's glum outlook.

"Enough of my
moaning about life as a celebrity," Jackson said. lightening the mood. He
paused while our waitress set his plate full of eggs and breakfast meats on the
table. "How do you like living on the Upper West Side? It's probably a big
change from the East Village."

"It has a lot more
families and a lot less hipsters. I like it. It's a lot cleaner, at
least." I watched Jackson digging into his food with relish, jet lag
seemingly not affecting his appetite. "What about you? Do you have a place
in New York?"

"I do. It's easier
than staying in a hotel room since I spend so much time here."

"I didn't realize
that. Are you still friends with Nathan and Mia?" I had lost touch with
both of them after Jackson and I had broken up, although Mia had made efforts
to remain friends. It was just too hard and too painful to be reminded of Jackson
and I had wanted to sever all ties.