Love? Maybe. (17 page)

“Hey, ladies,” Jeremy says, walking up to us. “What do you say? You want to head indoors or do you want to stand out here and get soaked?” Ben Donovan is still talking to one of the paper doll girls. She keeps touching his arm while he talks. A voice on a microphone inside the tent announces that the auction is ready to begin. I peek through the open flap and see Frank standing next to Dorian on the stage. He looks wobbly, but okay. He’s donned a pair of sunglasses that, while very odd—considering it’s nighttime and he’s inside a tent—can maybe pass for simple artistic eccentricity. Jillian walks toward us. Charlie is close behind her.

“So,” Jillian says, brightly. “Can you believe it’s going to
rain? My mother is freaking out.” I imagine she is freaking out, I think, but I’ll bet it’s a lot more because her artist is a wreck than about the state of the weather. Charlie won’t meet my eyes. “Do you want to stick around for the auction or… Wait, where’s Ben Donovan?” I gesture over to where the paper doll is pulling on his arm to get him to bend down low enough to let her whisper in his ear. Jillian looks mad, but Charlie looks like he’s about ready to explode.

“You’re here
with
Ben Donovan?” he says, turning to me. His voice is tense, each word clipped.

“Yes,” I say.

Charlie smirks. “Figures,” he says.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask him.

He turns back to me. “Why are you
here
, Piper?”

“I don’t know. It sounded like fun,” I say, getting angry myself. If I had to pinpoint exactly why I was getting angry, I wouldn’t be able to. All I know is that I can’t figure out why Charlie is so clearly furious with me and so not angry with anyone else. We hear Frank’s voice over the microphone. It’s loose and slow, but unless you knew what his voice usually sounded like, you wouldn’t notice anything different.

“So,” Jillian says again. This time the brightness in her voice sounds even less real. “Do you want to go in? Auctions can be pretty fun to watch.” I keep looking at Charlie, who is alternating between glaring at Ben Donovan and me.

“I think maybe I’ll see if I can get a ride home,” I say.

“You sure?” Jillian asks. “It could be fun.” Claire puts a
hand on her arm. Jillian looks at me for a long moment. “Well, if Ben Donovan can’t take you home, I’ll get the driver to take you.”

“Listen,” I say. “Thank you. This really was fun.” She gives me a hug, followed by Claire. Jeremy raises his hand and half smiles. Only Charlie doesn’t say anything. He just stares past me, like I’m already gone. He turns and walks away. I notice Jillian doesn’t follow. “Okay then,” I say.

I turn and walk toward Ben Donovan, who is typing into his phone as the paper doll talks to him. I catch the end of her phone number as I walk up. “Can you take me home?” I ask.

“Now?” he asks, looking up at me. I notice he has the decency to look at least partly embarrassed about being caught scamming another girl’s phone number while he’s supposed to be with me.

“I really need to get home,” I say.

“Of course,” Ben Donovan says. I glance over toward the tent entrance. Claire and Jillian both smile at me. I smile back as I wait for Ben Donovan to say good-bye to the paper doll. She does look slightly contrite for trying to snag my date. I look back over, hoping to see Charlie again, but he’s gone. Jillian is leaning toward Jeremy to say something. He nods and laughs. She smiles up at him as he reaches out to brush her hair away from her cheek. Claire’s not even looking at them. She’s looking at her phone and smiling as she types.

I follow Ben Donovan out to his car. He opens the door for me. I climb in carefully, not that interested in embarrassing
myself further by giving everyone in the parking lot a look up my dress. He closes the door behind me and jogs around to his side. He climbs in, looking at me briefly. I give him the directions to my house and then lean my cheek against the window and close my eyes. I suddenly feel tired way down in my bones. The glass feels cool against my cheek and it makes me think about riding in Charlie’s car. This thought just makes me feel more exhausted, like the last bit of air escaping from a balloon.

We ride in silence all the way to my house. Ben Donovan pulls up to the curb and jogs around the car to let me out, clearly anxious to be rid of me and my weirdness. I squeeze his hand and thank him for the ride at the curb, not wanting to deal with more awkwardness should he decide to walk me to the door. He seems relieved as I turn to walk away. I notice that he barely waits until I have the door open before he pulls away. The sky finally opens up. The rain is slow and gentle at first, but increases in intensity as I stand there. I turn and head inside. I shut the door and lean against it for a moment.

“Piper’s home!” yells Dom from the living room. He runs around the corner, but stops short when he sees me standing there. “You look funny,” he says. Lucy runs up behind him.

“You look beautiful,” she says. “Like Cinderella.” I smile at her, although I think she’d be pretty disappointed at the direction my fairy tale is going.

“I hate princesses,” yells Dom, running away from me. Lucy chases after him and they disappear upstairs. I walk into the living room, where my mother is just hanging up her cell phone. She looks sort of sheepish, making me wonder what she’s been up to.

“You do look beautiful,” she says. She looks at her watch. “You’re home a lot earlier than I thought you’d be. I was thinking eleven. Maybe later.”

“Well, I didn’t want to turn into a pumpkin,” I say.

“Did you have a good time?” she asks.

I take a deep breath. “It was—” I try to finish the sentence, but can’t. My mom looks at me.

“You okay?” she asks.

“I’m not sure,” I say. I see the look on her face. “I’m just really tired.” She doesn’t look convinced. “I promise.” She keeps looking at me, but she can’t find anything. After all, it isn’t a lie. I am tired. Really tired. “I’m going to get in bed,” I say. She gives me a hug. I climb the steps slowly. I kick off my shoes and unzip my dress, careful to hang it up in my closet. I pull on a T-shirt and a pair of pajama pants; these have conversation hearts all over them. The one on my right knee says
DO U LUV ME?
I frown at it and click off my light. I climb into bed and lie there for a long time, waiting. I tell myself I’m waiting for sleep, but if I have to be honest I’m waiting for something else. A loud noise on the roof above me.

H
ours later, I’m still trying to sleep. Finally I hear a car pull up in front of our house and a lot of doors opening and shutting. I walk to the window, hoping to see Charlie. What I do see is Jillian’s mom shaking Frank’s hand and him smiling slightly. She doesn’t seem freaked, which is good. But, I also see Jillian talking with Charlie, then him bending down to hug her. I pull back from the window before I see anything else. I hear the car pull away as I climb back into bed. I’m sitting here arguing with myself about whether I should go over and talk to Charlie or not. I check the clock—almost one in the morning. I think probably not. I lie back down and try to sleep again. Finally I give up.

I sigh and pull my sweatshirt off my chair and yank it over my head. I open my window and gasp at how cold it’s gotten. I climb through the window and onto the roof,
being extra careful because it’s still damp from the rain. I do make some noise though. Enough that if Charlie wants to talk to me, he’ll know I’m here, but not so much that if he wants to ignore me, he can’t. I sit for a long time feeling the dampness soak into my pajamas. I stare out at the night. I’m just about to give up when I hear Charlie’s window sliding open. He climbs out onto the roof and walks partway over and sits down. Usually we’re within a few inches of each other. Tonight he’s keeping his distance, even staying on his own roof instead of coming over to mine like he usually does. We stay like that, not really sitting together, but more like parallel sitting, for several minutes before he speaks.

“I just ate half a jar of peanut butter and a whole can of Pringles,” he says. I smile into the darkness. We’re both quiet as if weighing the nutritive value of his meal, but then he speaks again. “I didn’t know you were dating Ben Donovan.”

“Yeah,” I say. “You sound surprised.”

“I am,” Charlie says.

“Why? Didn’t think Ben Donovan would go for a girl like me?” I say it as a joke, thinking he will laugh, but he doesn’t.

“I didn’t think you’d waste your time on a guy like him,” Charlie says.

“He’s nice,” I say, defensively.

“I didn’t say he wasn’t.”

“You implied—”

“Piper, I merely said—”

“Charlie, I didn’t come out here to talk about Ben Donovan.”

“What do you want to talk about, Piper? The weather?” He laughs, but it’s short and brittle.

“How’s your dad?” I ask.

“Frank? Well, he’s asleep right now. I’ll tell him you asked about him.”

“Why are you so angry at me?” I ask. “I didn’t—”

“Didn’t think? No, you didn’t Piper. Maybe you should have thought that I might not like you surprising me tonight.”

I shake my head. “I thought you liked surprises now. That’s what you told your girlfriend.”

“My
girlfriend
?” Charlie sighs. “I thought Jillian meant she made me cookies or something. I didn’t think she meant that you were all going to show up and watch my dad make a fool of himself.”

“Charlie. He was fine. I don’t think anyone noticed.”

“It’s not
anyone
I was worried about. It was
you
noticing.”

“Your dad was a wreck. So what?” I look over at Charlie, but he’s turned away from me. “I’m sure he was nervous. Frank’s not the most social person. I imagine being up on a stage with a bunch of Atlanta socialites looking at him is pretty much Frank’s biggest nightmare.” I pause, waiting for him to say something. He just keeps looking straight forward. “Listen,” I say finally. “It was just one time. It’s no big deal.”

“Piper,” he says, finally turning to look at me. “It wasn’t just tonight. It’s all the time. Since my mom left, he can’t sleep. He can’t eat. He barely paints. It’s like living with a ghost.”

“I didn’t know—You didn’t tell me.” I stare out into the night in frustration. “How can I help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on?”

“I didn’t ask for your help,” Charlie says. The darkness makes it impossible to see his face. He takes a deep breath. “Anyway, I’m fine, Piper. You worry too much.”

“Charlie, why are you doing this?” I ask. “Why are you pushing me away?”

Charlie laughs, but it’s hard and sharp, like broken glass. “That’s pretty funny coming from you.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask. I shove my hands into the pocket of my sweatshirt.

“You are the queen of pushing people away. Beau, your friends, pretty much every guy you’ve ever dated.” He pauses. “And me.”

“I don’t—”

“You do, Piper.” He says it softly.

“You don’t know anything about me,” I say. I turn to go back inside, but his voice stops me.

“I know you better than you think,” Charlie says. I turn and stare at him. “I know your heart is still broken from when your dad took off. I know you pretend you’re mad at Beau because he left your mom, but you’re just as mad that he left you.”

I breathe in and out.

“I know the few times you’ve dated anyone, they’re guys who will never even come close to understanding you. And even then you still figure out a way to dump them before they can get to know you.”

“That’s not true—”

“I know that you want someone to love you, but you’re afraid to love them back.”

“You don’t know anything,” I say. My cheeks are hot and my hands are shaking. “Just leave me alone.” I inch back down toward my window.

“Piper, stop pushing
me
away,” Charlie says.

“Or what?” I ask. “Or you’ll go away?” I turn and stare at him, daring him to disagree.

He shakes his head. “I was just going to say that when you push me away, it hurts.” I climb back through my window and shut it behind me. I change my pajama pants, leaving the damp ones balled on the floor. I get into my bed and stare at my ceiling. I don’t hear anything for a long time, but finally I hear Charlie stand up and go back inside. I’m not sure what scares me more, the fact that he waited out there so long to see if I’d come back out or the fact that he finally gave up and went inside.

I did finally fall asleep, but it wasn’t nearly enough. I’m still exhausted. I pretty much half slept through all of my classes, which can’t be good for my GPA. I saw Ben Donovan twice
in the halls, but he just sort of half waved at me and scooted away, making me think:
I am now the girl who made Ben Donovan have the worst date of his life
. The rest of Wednesday rolls right into Thursday with too much work, too little sleep, and silence from Charlie. By the time the final bell rings on Thursday, I’m ready to drop, but I stop by Jan’s hoping he’ll send me home. Unfortunately, he’s so busy that I have to stay.

Jeremy and I fill the empty jars with jelly beans and gummy bears and peppermints. He tells me about the auction and about how happy Jillian’s mom was with the turnout, despite the bad weather. I ask him if it was weird for him to see Jillian and Charlie hanging out at the Umlaut thing.

“Did you take your stupid pills this morning?” Jeremy asks me.

“What are you talking about?” I ask. Jeremy shakes his head and walks away from me. Jan comes out of the kitchen, wiping his hands with a towel. He looks nearly as tired as I feel. Ever since the Food Network vans left, the store’s been mobbed.

“I just can’t keep up,” he says. “I can’t make enough candy to keep the cases full. We’re out of nearly everything.”

“Welcome to the big time,” I say, funneling Consternation Hearts into a new box. I close the flap and start on the next one. “Good thing you’re expanding,” I say.

“What?” Jan asks. He’s staring at the menu board, trying to figure out what to erase. “Oh yeah, that.”

“I saw that they took the
For Lease
sign out of the window.” Jan nods and wipes “Bacon Truffles” off the board. Jeremy has been churning them out, but people keep buying them faster than he can make them.

The door to the shop bumps open. It’s Jillian. “Hey,” I say.

“Hi, Piper.” She seems nervous and weird. And I wonder if she’s worried about seeing Jeremy, but when he walks through the door from the kitchen it isn’t weird at all. Apparently she’s only weird with me. Great. I keep filling boxes of candy hearts, one after the next like I’m some sort of machine. When I run out of candy, I go back to the kitchen to get another case. Jillian, Jan, and Jeremy are all standing around the island, talking, but they get quiet when I walk in. I just head past them and grab another bin and push back through the door to the shop. I keep filling boxes in between customers, filling until all of the hearts are gone.

A woman in a red hat comes in with one of our bags in her hand. “Hi,” she says. “I bought these a little while ago.” I nod, wondering if I look stupid or something. I was the one who waited on her less than an hour ago. “Anyway, I was talking to one of my girlfriends over coffee. You know at that little shop down on the corner.” I have to resist the impulse to make the hurry-up-with-the-story motion that Jeremy always makes. “I wanted to show her how clever your candies are.” She pauses.

“Well, thank you,” I say.

She looks at me for a moment. “Well the thing is… and
I’m sure it was just an oversight… there wasn’t any silver heart in there. And see… I checked all of them and none of them has one.” Jan comes out of the kitchen with a big tray of truffles in his hands. He puts them on the counter beside me and smiles at the woman before starting to refill the case. I look back at the woman, who is just standing there looking at me and waiting.

“What?” I begin. “I mean, I’m sorry, but I—” Okay maybe I am stupid. I have no idea what she’s talking about.

“It’s no problem,” the woman says. “Maybe you could just give me the silver hearts. I can put them in the boxes myself.”

“I just—”

“Of course,” Jan says. He reaches under the counter for a cellophane bag. He opens a box under the counter and pours a handful of silver fortune hearts into the bag. He twists the top closed and hands it to her. “I’m very sorry,” he says. “Here.” He grabs another bag and drops two of his mood ring pops into it. “On the house.” She’s so happy with Jan that she just starts babbling all kinds of things at him. I sigh and walk back toward the kitchen to return the now-empty bin. Jeremy and Jillian are standing close together. She’s saying something softly to him and he’s rubbing her arm. When they see me, they both seem guilty. I just walk past them without saying anything. Maybe I did take my stupid pills this morning, because suddenly the entire world seems way too hard to understand.

I walk back into the front of the shop. Jan stops fiddling with the boxes of Consternation Hearts and looks up at me. He looks guilty too. “Okay, I’m sorry if I’m a little slow today, but what was that woman talking about?” Jan starts to say something, then stops and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Arrrghhh,” I say, walking back around the counter and out into the café. I poke at the jukebox and the arm reaches in and selects one of the records from the row. (Yes, it’s one of
those
jukeboxes and yes, it’s worth a kazillion dollars, not that Jan would ever think of selling it.) “Moondance” comes spilling out of the speakers. Jan walks up beside me and looks in at the record spinning. “You going to tell me what’s going on?” I ask.

He sighs again. “Which part?”

I laugh. “There are multiple parts?”

Jan laughs too. “Yeah, but I can’t tell you all.”

“Of course you can’t, Yoda. You’re about to tell me that some things I have to find out on my own.”

Jan laughs again. “No, it’s just that some parts aren’t mine to tell.”

“Could you be more vague?” I ask. Jan elbows me. “Just start with the red hat woman.”

Jan adjusts his glasses and turns away from the jukebox. He leans back against it. I do the same. “I guess it’s what I told you before, Piper. I just can’t be that cynical about love. And I don’t want you to be either.” He pauses and pulls his glasses off and polishes them with the hem of his shirt. He
puts his glasses back on and looks at me. “I just wanted to give people a little hope,” he says.

“So you added one of your fortune hearts.”

He nods. “I made them special for your Consternation Hearts.”

“What do they say?” I ask.

He sighs. “The outside has ‘
Hope
’ printed on it and the inside says ‘
Believe in Love.
’”

“Do
you
?” I ask. “Do you believe in love?”

Jan readjusts his glasses, stalling. “Piper, I was married for a long time to a woman I loved very much. Then I messed it up. I mean, it wasn’t all my fault, but a lot of it was. You know?” I nod. I don’t know, but I can imagine. “It took me a long time to forgive myself for all of that. A long time to believe in much of anything anymore. But you know what brought me back?” I shake my head. “Love.”

“Love?” I ask.

He nods. “Powerful stuff.”

“Whose love?” I ask.

“Well, my daughter’s for one. My love for her and her love for me. And my ex-wife’s. She’s shown me a lot of grace over the years. Some good friends. Some great kids that seem to like hanging out with an old guy like me for reasons I can’t begin to guess.” He smiles over at me again. “See, the thing is Piper, it’s really the only thing that’s worth living for.”