Love? Maybe. (18 page)

“Love,” I say.

“Yep,” he says. “How’s that for Yoda?” I shrug. He takes a deep breath. “People are going to fail you in life. Sometimes in little ways. Sometimes in big ways.”

“That’s not exactly hopeful,” I say.

“And you’re going to fail others.”

“Again, not that hopeful.”

“Real love isn’t bothered by that.” He smiles at me. “When you really love someone, you see all their mess and their brokenness and you love them anyway. In fact, seeing all of that sort of makes you love them more.”

I sigh and try to put words to a question that’s been floating around inside my head for a long time. “What if you do that? What if you show someone who you really are and they don’t love you? Or worse, they turn away like you’re too ugly to love?”

Jan looks over at me. “I know you aren’t talking about Piper Paisley. She is definitely not too ugly to love. She has all kinds of people who love her.”

I sigh and shake my head. “Not everyone.”

“Well, no,” Jan says. “I mean, you can’t
make
someone love you. Some people just don’t have it in them or they don’t want to. Some people are more interested in protecting themselves than in loving people.” I nod. “And I don’t blame them. I mean, hearts are delicate things.”

“They are,” I say.

“But they are also amazingly resilient,” Jan says. I nod, thinking of my mother and Claire and now Jan. “So, that’s
it,” he says. “Lecture over.” He pushes away from the jukebox. “So what about you, Piper?”

“What about me what?” I ask.

“Will you at least think about what I said?” I nod. “Then my work here is done.” He looks around at the shop. “Man, there is a lot of work to do,” he says, laughing. I stay there, leaning against the jukebox. Maybe Jeremy’s right. Maybe I’m not all that smart. It’s like the whole time I’ve been focusing on my own brokenness, I’ve missed a very important fact. Everyone’s broken. My mom, Beau, Jan, Charlie’s dad. I think of the phone call I need to make. Even Jack.

The bells on the front door jingle. I look up and see Ben Donovan coming through the door. He looks around the shop for a moment, and then his eyes settle on me.

“Hey,” he says. I smile at him. “Can I talk to you?” I nod and push away from the jukebox. I follow him outside where we sit at one of the tables. He looks past me for a moment then right at me. “Listen,” he says. “I didn’t want to just leave things between us like they were. All—”

“Weird?” I ask. He nods. “Ben,” I say, aware that this is the first time I’ve ever said his first name by itself. “We’re good.” He smiles at me.

“Friends?” he asks.

“Only if you mean it.”

“Paisley, I would be crazy to not want to be friends with you. You are one very interesting girl.”

“I choose to take that as a compliment,” I say, laughing. I
see Charlie’s car pulling into the lot, then him climbing out. He sees me sitting there and pauses, but then keeps walking toward us. He nods at Ben when he walks past, but barely acknowledges me. He walks into Jan’s shop, letting the door whoosh shut behind him.

“So we’re good?” Ben asks.

“Definitely,” I say. Ben stands up and pulls his sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on.

“I’ll see you at the meet tomorrow,” he says. He starts walking toward his car, which is parked at the other end of the lot past Charlie’s.

“Wait!” I say. “Are you the one who’s been putting stuff in my locker?”

“What are you talking about?” he asks.

“Nothing,” I say.

He smiles and shakes his head at me. “Hey, try not to puke in the pool during the meet. Okay?” I start laughing. I watch him climb into his car and pull out.
I am now the girl who is friends with Ben Donovan.
My phone moos in my pocket and I pull it out. There’s a text from my mother.

Jack called again.

I love u—M

Below there is a number, which I assume is Jack’s. I take a deep breath. Might as well, I think. I dial the number, remembering what my mother said about the octopus. A woman answers. I ask if I can talk to Jack. She asks who’s
calling. When I tell her, she gets quiet, and then she tells me to hang on. I look at the clouds drifting overhead as I wait.

“Hello?” It’s my father. I take a deep breath.

“Hi,” I say. “It’s Piper. Mom said you wanted to talk to me.”

Jack clears his throat. I hear a woman laughing in the background and then the sound of at least two kids laughing with her. “I appreciate you calling.” It sounds so formal, like we don’t even know each other, which I guess we don’t. He’s quiet for a long time. “Piper—I don’t know how to exactly—” He pauses. “Listen,” he says finally. “I’ve been a really terrible father to you.” I resist the urge to say anything. I mean, what can I say? “I was hoping—” He gets quiet for a long moment. “I mean, only if you want to—” He laughs a little. A nervous habit we share. “Piper, what I mean to say is I’d like to know you.”

“Why now?” I ask. I’m not angry. Just confused.

Jack sighs. “I guess I finally just got up the courage to ask.”

“I need to think about it,” I say.

“Of course,” he says. I hear the sadness in his voice. “I just wanted you to know I’m here if you—” He breaks off again. Neither one of us says anything for several moments. Then he breaks the silence. “Maybe we’ll talk soon,” he says.

“Yeah,” I say. I put on my sunglasses because I can feel the tears coming. “I should go,” I say, finally. I listen to him say good-bye and then the click of him hanging up.

Instead of holding back the tears like I’ve done so many
times before, I just let them fall. Big fat tears that hit the top of the stone table, making wet patches. I hear the door to Jan’s open and I look up. Charlie stands there looking at me. He starts to say something, but I just shake my head. I can’t really deal with anything else at this very moment. I stand up and walk away from him toward the end of the block, where I turn the corner. I stop and lean against the stone wall, just feeling the cool rocks on my back. I cry until the tears finally stop, like I’ve just run out. I stand there for a while longer before I walk back around the corner and toward Jan’s. Where Charlie’s car was parked is a big red Hummer. I walk into Jan’s. He’s standing at the counter talking on his cell.

“She’s here,” he says. “I will.” He clicks his phone shut. “Your mom,” he says, putting it on the counter. “She was worried.” I nod. “You okay?” he asks.

I take a deep breath. “I think so,” I say.

Jan looks at me for a long moment. Then he smiles at me and claps his hands. “Well, good. Because there’s a lot of work to do and I need the help.”

“That’s why you pay me the big bucks,” I say. This makes him laugh. And when Jan’s laughing you can’t help but laugh too.

I
’m washing dishes when Jan’s car pulls up in front of our house. I look out the window over the sink. There’s someone in the front seat with him, but I can’t figure out who until he opens the door and the overhead light goes on. It’s Jillian. Jan climbs out and walks around the back of the car toward the Wishmans’. Jillian climbs out of the passenger side. I figure she’s going in with Jan, but I’m wrong. She walks up our sidewalk and knocks on the front door. I dry my hands on a towel as I walk to the door. I sling the towel over my shoulder and pull the door open.

She smiles slightly at me then looks away. “Want to come in?” I ask.

“Can you come out?” she asks. I walk through the kitchen, tossing the dish towel on the counter. I tell my mother, who’s sitting in the living room with Dom and
Lucy, that I’m going for a walk. I walk out front and pull the door shut behind me. Jillian and I head down the sidewalk and toward the park at the end of our street. “I’m sorry,” Jillian says.

“For what?” I ask.

She sighs. “Let’s see. For The Plan. For the stupid love potion. For pushing you to go out with Ben Donovan—”

“We just call him Ben now,” I say.

She smiles at me. “Mostly I’m sorry about all the mess with Charlie.”

I walk over to one of the swings and sit down in it. Jillian sits in the one next to me, facing the other direction. I push off a little, making myself drift back and forth slowly. “So, you like Charlie, huh?” I’m not sure what else to say. Jillian grabs the chain on my swing and twists me to look at her.

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” I nod. She smiles and then starts laughing. She’s laughing so hard she has tears in her eyes.

“I’m not sure I see what—”

“I know,” she gasps. “That’s the worst part of it. You don’t see—” She takes a deep breath and looks back at me. “I don’t
like
Charlie. First, he’s, well, he’s Charlie, and second, you saw me with Jeremy. I love nerds and Jeremy is about the nerdiest nerd of them all. You know what he bought me for Valentine’s Day?” I shake my head. “A star!” She starts laughing again. “One of those!” She points wildly toward the sky above us.

“Which one?” I ask, smiling.

“I know!” she says. Soon we’re both laughing so hard that our swings are going back and forth without us having to push ourselves. “Wait, it gets better. I have a certificate.” She sees my face. “It has a picture of my star on it. Well, at least I think it’s my star. It’s sort of blurry—”

“And far away.” She starts laughing again, which only makes me laugh harder. I push off and swing back and forth, a little higher. Jillian swings too and for a moment our swings chase each other back and forth, then we get out of rhythm and we rush past each other.

“Jan said he talked to you,” Jillian says. I look over at her, but the swinging is giving me vertigo, so I have to look away. “He’s over at Charlie’s talking to Frank now.”

“About what?” I ask. “Getting some help?”

“Yeah,” Jillian says. “He was telling Charlie about all sorts of things this afternoon. Apparently there are a lot more broken people around than I thought.”

“I hope Frank listens,” I say.

“Jan can be pretty persuasive,” Jillian says.

“Pfft, Jan has nothing on you. Look how you got me and Claire to go along with The Plan,” I say. “And that whole love potion thing you did for Claire? That was genius.”

Jillian drags her sneakers in the dirt, slowing herself down. I do the same and we slowly drift together again. “I did that for
you
,” Jillian says.

“Me?”

She laughs. “For such a smart girl, you sure can be stupid sometimes.”

“That’s what your boyfriend tells me,” I say, thinking of Jeremy asking me if I’d taken my stupid pills.

“Look, I knew Claire would be fine. She just had to figure out what a loser Stuart was, which she did. And I knew she would be on to bigger and better things, which she is. It’s you I’ve always been worried about.” She looks up at the stars just starting to push their way through the clouds above us. “I just thought maybe you could use a little magic in your life. I thought maybe it would give you a little hope.”

“Make me believe?” I ask. She looks at me and nods. I look back at the stars above us. “So which one do you think it is?” I ask.

Jillian laughs and looks up too. “That one,” she says, pointing straight up. “The twinkly one.”

“It’s a good star,” I say. We both lean back, hanging from our hands and letting our heads fall back so we can look way up. When you do that, it looks like the whole world is full of stars. Just millions and millions of points of light, twinkling for anyone to see. Anyone who takes the time to notice.

Suddenly Jillian grabs my hand and turns me toward her. “Thank you,” she says.

“For what?” I ask, standing up

“For putting up with me. I know I’m too loud and too opinionated and too—”

I lift my hand. “You are,” I say, “but you’re also an awesome
friend.” Jillian stands up too and throws her arms around me.

“You know,” I say as we start back toward my house, “having your own star is pretty awesome.” She smiles at me. “It’s like your own personal wishing star,” I say.

“I’ll share it,” Jillian says. “You can make wishes on it anytime you want.” I smile, but there’s an ache in my chest. Suddenly I miss Charlie more than ever.

Jan’s car is still there when we get back. We walk through the front door, shivering. We hear my mother laughing. We peek around the corner into the living room. Jan and my mom are sitting on the couch and he’s telling her the shark story that I’ve heard a thousand times. The one about how he almost got eaten when he was out surfing. Each time he tells it, I swear the shark grows about a foot. She sees me and waves. I smile and shake my head. Jillian follows me into the kitchen. I fill up the kettle and turn the flame on under it to heat up water for tea.

“Is this one of the other things that I didn’t see?” I ask.

“What?” Jillian asks.

I roll my eyes. “My mother is going to start dating Jan, isn’t she?” Jillian laughs. I pull mugs out of the cabinet and set them on the counter. We hear my mother laughing again. “That is a good surprise,” I say. We sit and drink tea, listening to Jan and my mother laughing until Jillian finally tells them that it’s past her bedtime.

“It’s pretty bad when we have to be the grown-ups,” I say.
Jan just smiles at me and shakes his head. We all walk out on the porch. Jillian hugs me again.

“See you tomorrow,” she says. She walks to the car and slides into the passenger’s seat. My mother walks Jan all the way to the car.

“Keep it PG—there are minors present,” Jillian says from the front seat. Jan and my mother just laugh. He walks around his car and climbs in. Mom walks back toward me, smiling the whole way. We head inside. She walks around humming and shutting off all the lights downstairs. I follow her upstairs. She kisses me lightly on the forehead before checking on the kids. She doesn’t stop humming softly to herself the whole time. I head into my room and drop onto my bed. I don’t hear her go into her room. I don’t hear anything on the roof. I take a deep breath, letting myself sink into my pillow.

The sunlight is way too bright and morning is way too early. I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt as horrible as I do at this very moment. I lie down and then the room starts spinning, so I have to sit up, but then I get weak, so I have to lie down again. Mom called school and then my coach to tell them I wasn’t going to be in classes or the meet. The office said they’d send my books home with Jillian and Claire, just so I didn’t fall too far behind. It’s awesome that they care so much.

I spend the entire day on the couch. It stinks to be all alone
when you’re sick, but at least it’s quiet. I made my mom go to work. It’s the day before Valentine’s Day, the single busiest day of the entire year. I try to watch television, but all the moving colors make me feel dizzy. The food commercials are the worst. Just seeing someone breaking a chocolate chip cookie in half so we can all see the melty chocolate chips makes me feel nauseated. I lie back and pull the fleece blanket from my bed over my legs. I keep alternating between shivering like I’m out in a snowstorm and feeling like I’m a baked potato that’s been left in the oven for too long. It’s after three, so school’s out and the swim meet’s started. It’s Beau’s weekend to have the kids, so at least it will be quiet here.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next time I look at the clock it’s nearly five. There’s a knock at the door. Maybe it’s just the UPS guy. I close my eyes, willing him to go away. I try to sleep, reasoning that if I sleep, maybe when I wake up it will stop feeling like I lost a bet with a semi truck. But the knocking starts again. “Go away!”

“Piper! It’s me.” I sigh. Beau. I push myself back up and walk to the door. I pull it open and lean against the doorjamb. “Mom’s not here. She went into the shop.” I look past him to his truck. “Where are the kids?” I ask.

“Stacy’s playing hide-and-seek with them back at the house,” he says.

I nod. “I have to sit down,” I say, worried that if I don’t
sit
down, I’m going to
fall
down. Beau follows me inside and over to the couch. I drop onto it and close my eyes again.
Big mistake. I push myself back to sitting. “I’m okay,” I say, then laugh.

Beau laughs weakly too. “If this is okay, I’d hate to see you not okay. Listen, I was just worried about you here. All alone.”

“Thanks,” I say. “What’s in the bag?” I ask, gesturing toward the paper sack sitting at his feet. He picks it up.

“Maybe things for when you’re feeling a little better.” He pulls out a big bottle of ginger ale and a bag of cheese Goldfish. “I know you like these,” he says, placing them on the table. “Tell me what I can do,” he says.

“Nothing. Really. I just need to rest,” I say. I lie back down on the couch. Beau pulls a blanket over me.

“Piper,” he says. “I know this isn’t the best time—” I look over at him. He’s looking down at his hands, which are folded in his lap. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes…”

I raise my hand. “We all have,” I say. The cynical part of me wonders if it’s Reconcile with Your Estranged Daughter Month or something.

“I’d like it if you’d let me take you to dinner sometime. Or the movies. Just us.” I smile at him. “When you’re feeling better.”

“I’d like that,” I say, and with those three words, I make up my mind about Jack too. Everyone deserves a second chance. “Now go. I’m sure Stacy’s awesome, but you know how Lucy is. She’s impossible to find and she always has the best hiding places.” Beau smiles and I wonder
if he’s thinking of the time that we lost her for almost an hour because she hid herself in the back of my closet and fell asleep.

“You sure you’re okay?” Beau asks. I nod. He’s reluctant to go.

“I promise,” I say. He squeezes my hand and stands up. I watch him walk to the door and pull it shut behind him. It clicks locked. I take a deep breath. Sleep. Please. Sleep.

My phone moos from where I left it on the kitchen counter. I look at the clock. It’s now after six. The phone keeps mooing at me. I’m guessing my mother. If I don’t answer it, she’ll freak and probably have the police here to check on me. I get up and walk toward the kitchen, keeping a hand on something solid at all times. I pick up my phone and look at it. Claire. I start to say hello, but she’s already talking and not to me.

“Hello?” I ask.

“Oh,” she says too loud in my ear. “Piper, how are you feeling?”

I hear a rustling noise and then Jillian’s voice. “Just let us in,” she says. “We knocked, but you must have been asleep. You didn’t hear us.” I walk to the door. I pull it open, but I don’t wait for them to come in, I just head back to the couch.

Claire comes in first. “Oh no,” she says. “You look like—” Jillian elbows her. “Poor baby,” Claire says, coming over to sit by me.

“Careful,” I say. “I’ve got the plague.” Jillian puts a stack
of books on the table. I groan. It’s a big stack, and big stack equals lots of homework. But then she puts something else on top. A brown paper bag. “What is it?” I ask. I look over at Jillian, who doesn’t say anything. “Don’t pretend you didn’t look.” She reaches in, pulls out something white, and unfolds it. She turns the T-shirt toward me. I laugh a little even though it hurts to do so. It says I heart you, but instead of the regular Valentine’s Day heart, it’s a picture of an actual heart, all veiny and squishy looking. “Ugh,” I say. “Put it away.” The picture of the heart makes me feel all throw-upy again. Jillian puts the bag with the T-shirt in it in the kitchen where I can’t see it. “Aren’t you going to tell her?” Claire asks.

“Which part?” Jillian asks, walking back over to where Claire is clearly about to come out of her skin with excitement. Claire makes big eyes at her. “Okay, we caught the guy putting the stuff in your locker.” I raise my eyebrows. “It was Jeremy.”

“What?” I ask. “Why? Don’t tell me
he’s
my secret Valentine.”

Jillian shakes her head. “He was just the messenger.”