Love Me Broken (10 page)

I want her right there.

From the looks on their faces, you’d think I just walked into the boys’ locker room. Adam is there, wearing light blue workpants and a tight-fitting gray shirt with short sleeves. His bicep tenses as he pushes himself up, trying to recover from my surprise appearance. Next to him is a scraggly-looking guy with bad hair and more tattoos than I can count. He looks like he might have just gotten out of prison. I plaster a smile on my face, balancing my basket and the canvas bag I have looped around one arm.

I walk up until I’m facing Adam. His eyes—I forgot how startlingly crisp they are. His dark eyebrows only intensify his gaze, and my smile falters for just a moment. Then I refocus and smile pleasantly up at him. “I brought you a thank-you gift,” I say, trying to be casual. “For helping me with my cat the other day.”

He looks at me with such intensity, as if he wants to shout at me or embrace me, I can’t tell which.

His friend is a different story. “Whoa,
dude
,” he says. “You didn’t tell me about that.”

I look at Adam and my stomach drops a little in disappointment. I’m not worth mentioning? But before I can process this, his friend is reaching for the basket.

“Muffins!” he chuckles, and reaches in a dirty hand. He picks one on top and stuffs it into his mouth, taking a big bite. Adam turns to him with a look.

“This is Levi,” he says. “He’s used to living alone.”

Levi’s eyes go wide and he smiles. “Sorry,” he says, his mouth full of muffin. “I guess I should have asked.”

I smile, but I feel a little uncomfortable around this guy. “It’s okay,” I tell him. “They’re for everyone.”

Levi’s shoulders relax and he goes on chewing. I turn back to Adam, who looks like he’s almost in pain.

“Hi,” I whisper, suddenly shy.

“Hey,” he says back. “So how’s Prickly Pete?”

“Still prickly,” I say. Levi looks confused, so I explain, “That’s my cat. I don’t know what I would have done if Adam hadn’t helped me catch him.”

Levi nods and takes another bite of the muffin. “These are so good,” he says. “They homemade?”

He’s eating with his mouth open, and I try not to make a face. I nod. There’s another awkward silence, and Levi notices, glancing from one of us to the other.

“Well,” he says, “I’d better go tend to the General.” He grabs another muffin and walks to the rear of the store, where an immense bloodhound is tied to a post. I recognize the General, then notice Eliza’s motorcycle.

Then I look back at Adam.

His eyes are still searching my face, trying to figure something out. Then they close briefly, and he breathes in a heavy sigh. When he opens his eyes again, it’s as if he has put on a different face. This one is friendly, laid back, even chummy. “That basket looks heavy. Do you want to set it down someplace?” he asks.

I smile, the tension broken. “Yeah, thanks,” I say, and he takes the basket from me and walks us both to the counter in the back of the garage. He sets it down and smells the muffins with appreciation. I readjust the canvas bag over my shoulder, and my arms feel gloriously light after carrying that basket all around town.

“Did you really make these for me?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say. “Is that weird?”

“No. I’ve just never had anyone bring me muffins before.”

He leans against the counter and stares at me for a moment. My face goes red under his direct gaze and I’m forced to look away.

“It was Erica, right?” he asks.

I look back at him. “That’s me,” I say, trying to smile. Damn it, why am I so nervous? This is just supposed to be a fling. It’s supposed to be easy. “And you were Adam, right?”

He smiles, his face relaxing a bit. “Adam Lawson, at your service.”

“Erica Harper.” I smile, then realize I haven’t thought this far ahead. In my mind, trying to prepare for this exchange, I never thought past giving him the muffins. I’d stop there, and merely daydream about his face and hair and shoulders. But now there’s another lull, and I’m forced to say something, anything, to fill it.

“So,” I say, “how have you been adjusting to life in Astoria?”

“It’s all right,” he says, and looks down at the counter. “It’s pretty different.”

“Oh?” I ask, hearing the eagerness in my voice. “Where are you from?”

His face tenses, ever so slightly. “Here and there.”

There’s another silence, and I suddenly feel very stupid for coming here. Summer romance? We can’t even have a conversation. Maybe Nicole could smile and giggle her way into this guy’s pants, but I really don’t know what I’m doing. And every time I try to think, I end up just staring at him. My mind goes blank gazing at his strong profile, the messy brown hair falling over his forehead.

He looks at me, and the silence is almost painful now. I want to extend the moment, to be near him, but I’m so bad at this.

“What’s in the bag?” he asks, gesturing toward the canvas bag on my shoulder. I touch it lightly, not wanting to talk about it.

“Um, just a project.”

He looks at me, except now his expression has a hint of amusement in it.

“Yeah?” he says slowly. “I like projects.”

He leans in a little closer, staring at me with his intense eyes, and the world feels tighter. It feels so good to be near him. It feels so good to be close.

Suddenly a loud bark shakes the entire room, and I jump forward with a scream. I trip right into Adam, my hands landing on his chest.

“Sorry,” I say.

But he doesn’t move away. His body is warm, almost hot, even through his shirt. I look up, and I am just inches away from his face. Some deep part of myself reacts to his smell of sweat and—and—Adam.

I don’t just want him; I
need
him.

But I back away, and he says, “No problem.”

The dog barks again, and this time the bark is closer. I look and see the General charging for us.

“Bad dog!” Levi says, running behind it. “Bad dog!”

Adam shifts our positions so that I am behind him, and he stands in front of me as the dog leaps right toward us. I can see the muscles of his back flexing through his shirt as he readies himself for an attack.

But it isn’t us the dog is after. He leaps up, his front paws landing on the counter, and sticks his snout in the muffins.

“No!” I cry, and reach out to stop him. The basket is tipping over, and as I try to stop it I only end up dropping my canvas bag in the process. It goes sprawling on the floor, the contents spilling out in a wave. The muffins crash down next, and the dog pounces on them.

All three of us bend down at once. Levi is pulling the dog’s collar with little luck as the animal wolfs down half a dozen muffins in mere seconds. I’ve picked up my canvas bag, and Adam is picking up the random items that have fallen out: rolls of tape, markers, and about a hundred photocopies of Prickly Pete’s picture with the words FOUND CAT in bold letters.

Levi manages to pull back the General. No one bothers to salvage the muffins. I set the basket back on the counter, and Adam stands, holding the flyers. He looks down at them, reading them, and starts laughing. Levi looks over, and Adam shows him. Then Levi starts laughing too.

“Oh man,” he says, “that is one pissed-off kitty.”

Adam hands me the stack of flyers, and I look down at the black-and-white photo of Pete. It’s a close-up of his face, partly blurred because it was taken a moment before he attacked me. His teeth are bared and his eyes look almost demonic.

Levi is still laughing, and Adam is working to hide his smile.

“Yeah, well,” I say, putting the flyers in my bag. “Now you know why I’m trying to find his real owner.”

“You don’t want to keep the Cat of Satan?” Levi asks, then laughs again.

But it isn’t funny to me. “I think he could be a sweet cat,” I try to explain, “but I can’t really take care of him if he hates me. He won’t even let me near him.”

“That sucks,” Levi says.

I shrug. “It’s no big deal. I’m used to being ignored at home.” I meant it as a joke, but it comes out bitter. I look up at Adam and I’m startled to see that he’s not laughing at all. His eyes are sad, almost tearful.

It’s in that moment that I first realize what it is about him that makes me keep obsessing: he’s in pain too. I can see it in his eyes. It’s more than being a stranger in a strange land, it’s also a kind of guilt, a kind of blaming—there’s a pocket of grief in him that burns constantly. I know, because I have that empty spot in my heart too. It’s been hurting every day since Conner died, and it won’t heal because I know it’s my fault it’s there to begin with.

I look into his eyes and see that he’s damaged, and I try to shout with my mind that I’m damaged too. I think he senses it. I think he knows.

Then Levi speaks, and our connection is broken.

“You putting up the flyers now?” he asks.

I turn to him, feeling like I’ve been woken up abruptly. “Yes,” I whisper. I can feel Adam’s gaze on me.

Levi smiles, looking at Adam. Then he says, “You should help her out, man. She needs it.”

Adam looks at his friend, his own trance broken. “No, I—”

Levi waves off his objection. “It’s
fine
. I got the shop. Besides,” he says, “it’s the least I can do after letting the General eat all your muffins.”

Adam is quiet, his face conflicted. “You sure?” he asks.

Levi laughs. “Go ahead. Take as long as you want.”

Adam looks up at me and gives a small grin. His eyes are so beautiful when he smiles.

“You want company?” he asks.

I smile back. How can I say no?

We step outside and the light is blinding. Erica is ahead of me, all business. She walks up to the lamppost on the corner, right outside the shop.

“Thanks for doing this,” she says.

“No problem,” I say. I try to catch her eye, but she won’t look directly at me. She pulls a roll of masking tape out of her bag and hands it to me. Then she takes out a flyer and holds it up to the pole. That damn angry cat is staring back at us, looking ready to jump out of the photo to bite at our faces.

I can’t help it; I laugh a little when I see it again. “That’s really the best you could do?” I ask. I wrap some tape around the top of the poster and rip it off. She’s watching what I’m doing, still avoiding my eyes when she answers.