Love Me Crazy (32 page)

“Can’t lose what I don’t have.”

“And that’s supposed to help?” I glare at Wes through the mirror.

Damn asshole hasn’t left me alone since I blurted out I had a kid. Best damn asshole I could ever call a friend. Without him steering me in the right direction, I’d be long gone right now. Still out there looking for Cassie. Least he could do is tell me she hasn’t left.

“You need to get your ass down there for Ellie and Kat. You leave now and it will be the second worst day of their lives. You want that on your shoulders?” Wes folds his arms over his chest.

The seams pull at the shoulders. The kid must be benching twice his weight. When did he grow up? Everyone changed while I feel stuck on repeat. Wanting to leave again. But he’s fucking right. Leave again and they’ll never forgive me. What’s that saying, Fool me once,
shame
on you . . . ? I shake my head and growl, punching my hand into the door, missing the mirror by a fraction. Shame on fucking me for leaving the first time.

“I’m good. I’m good.” I wave Wes off. I inhale and trap air in my lungs, pulling as much energy in as I can. Exhaling through clenched teeth, I nod. “Let’s do this.”

We take the four-wheelers down to the oaks and meet up with the other groomsmen and Dean. I can’t figure out how Ellie fell for the weirdo. Said it was a sorority mixer or something. I study Dean, then roll my eyes. He’s as boring, plain-Jane-Jim as they get. As long as Ellie’s happy and he’s not an asshole, I guess I approve.

Ready to get this over with, I move toward the center aisle and peer toward the front. What if Kat can’t persuade Cassie to stay or what if she left and I can’t find her? Damn Annabeth for telling her first. It should’ve been me breaking the news. Me telling Cassie, insuring her a kid changes nothing. A kid. Damn. I’m a father.

A blast of hot, sticky air whooshes into my lungs. I run my hand across my chin. I turn a circle and stare at the setup between the oaks.

“Wrong direction.” Wes steps in front, blocking my view.

I nod. “Right. You’re right.”

“I know you’ve been dealt the worst and best news, but you aren’t the only one it affects. Take it a person at a time. Ellie first.” He points down the aisle. “Cassie second and you . . . last.” He looks over my shoulder, then back at me. “Don’t fuck this up. Here.” He reaches behind him, flips up his vest, and pulls out a flask.

Best advice I’ve ever gotten. Put myself last.

I nod and take the flask. One, two gulps later, the burn marks my throat. My empty stomach. Heat like fire. I deserve to burn for what I did to my sisters. I deserve to burn for
leaving
a boy without his father. When the warmth subsides, I nod thanks to Wes. “Life’s a motherfuckin’ bitch.”

He laughs and takes a swig before handing it off to Dean. “Yep, till you make it
your
bitch.”

Feeling somewhat better, I follow the guys to our spot. Dean shakes out his arms and clears his throat several times. I feel no sympathy for him. Marrying into our family should scare the piss out of him. Since he’s still here now, he’s either stupid as shit or maybe, just maybe, he’s decent and knows how to hold his own around a bunch of crazy women. I’m praying for Ellie’s sake it’s the latter. I pat him on the back and give him my blessing. I think it stuns the happy right out of him because he turns whiter than his starched shirt.

He tugs at the collar. “Thanks, man. You have no idea what a relief that is.” He claps hands with mine and we shake before hugging it out. “Thanks.”

The music starts and one of Mom’s minions sends Dean’s parents down the aisle. Then Mom heads down. Luckily I avoided running into her before now, because not knowing Cassie’s whereabouts exacerbates my inability to restrain from biting anyone’s head off. And she has it coming. I can’t believe she kept the news from me, too.

Cassie’s replacement taps her earpiece and cues the string ensemble. I’d hoped to see her standing there. Cassie heading the event. Cassie where she’s supposed to be. Here. Here. Here.

The woman grabs each guy’s arm one at a time. She holds them from advancing, taps the beat to the music then releases them down the aisle. She sends Dean last. He skips the pacing shit and make his way to the front.

I
wait, hands fisted in my pockets to hide my aggravation, as Dean climbs the platform to stand beneath an arch covered in dark-green vines and syrupy-sweet flowers the color of summer. He bats away a bee as the string quartet shifts to a different tune.

One by one, the bridesmaids walk past me and the coordinator, and down the same carpet. They do it better, of course, all dolled up in Covington indigo, their eyes bright and smiling, soaking up the limelight before Ellie steals it. Girls and their fucking parties.

My cousin Lucy shoots down the aisle, then her sister.

And then there’s Kat. The only female to possess a huge chunk of my heart other than Cassie. Kat latched onto me the moment she took her first steps. I was five and running around with my new pellet gun, pretending my sisters were bucks. I’d lined Kat up in the scope, ready to add her to my trophy deer collection. She pulled up on the coffee table and pushed the gun barrel out of her face and said, “Bad, Quinny. Bad.” Then she walked over to me and gave me a huge hug. I didn’t play with that gun the rest of the day.

I smile at Kat as she walks straight up to me and gives me a peck on the cheek. “Thank you for not leaving.” She hugs me tight, breaking several flower tops off the bunch she’s holding. “Hold steady, okay?”

Afraid if I talk, I’ll either fly off the handle, beg her for news or, the opposite, lose control and cry like a pussy, I scratch my chin with steel-fisted knuckles. That’s when I see her.

“Cassie,” I breathe. I take a step forward but the coordinator grabs my arm.

My heart marches quadruple time to the music. My head spins from the heat. From seeing her. From not running to her. I wipe my brow and then my lip, wishing away the heat to focus on one thing.

Her
hair swept out of her face, stacks on top of her head like a waterfall of Spanish moss, curls framing her beautiful face. Her eyes, cast down, sparkle with too much makeup. My sister’s doing probably, but I’d take her painted like a clown. I glance at Kat, then Wes, and issue self-control not to sweep Cassie away and shake answers from her. I rock back on my heels and heave a leaden breath.

She looks up, stopping between the rows. The pink in her skin fades, then flushes bright red, hiding her freckles. My freckles. My girl.

The flowers she’s holding drop to her side. She rubs her arm, looks over her shoulder to Ellie walking this way, then to Kat at the front. Her eyes question my sister, then they turn on me and question me with an even more intense need for answers, furrowing her forehead into parallel grooves.

The coordinator clears her throat and Cassie snaps her head around to peer behind her. Ellie blocks her escape. Thank fuck for that. Cassie’s chest puffs up. Her chin raises as her gaze glues to the front.

Her lips tremble as she bites on her cheek, something she does when she’s in deep thought or working her way through a problem. I imagine she’s done it her entire life. First with math problems. Then with parental problems. And now with me. My gaze drops. I don’t want to be her problem. I don’t want to be worked out like an equation. I find her face. I want to be her solution to everything.

Cassie moves down the aisle and finds her space opposite of my mark. She keeps her eyes on her flowers, but her chin up. Ellie’s glowing presence moves into my periphery. I turn, and though I’m racked with impatience, time stops as my sister pauses beside me.

Creamy
white lace falls gracefully from her neck. Conservative like Ellie. Beautiful like Ellie. But the indigo sash, as piercing blue as her eyes, gives it a modern, fierce touch. She’s breathtaking, and it breaks my heart that Dad isn’t here to give her away. I could kick myself for being gone so long and almost missing this.

I take her hand and give her a kiss. “You’re beautiful, Sis.”

“Thank you,” she says, and laughs nervously.

I smile and fix her flapping veil behind her. “Are you ready?”

“Very.”

“Then let’s get you married.” I wrap her arm around mine and escort her down the aisle. My heart, a slight bit more jovial than fifteen minutes ago.

Once Ellie steps next to Dean and I’m in my spot, Cassie comes into focus. I can’t take my eyes off her, afraid she’ll be gone the minute I look away. It’s the longest twenty minutes of my life. Readings, vows, prayers.

I fiddle with the ring in my pocket and say my own selfish prayer. I tug my tie, loosening it. Tightening it. Loosening it again. I’m so goddamn hot. Cassie never once looks in my direction. Eyes trained on Ellie, it’s like I’m not here. Wes taps my arm and points to the officiant.

I move forward and hold out the gold band. Cassie moves in across from me and does the same. The officiant overlaps our hands to say a prayer over the rings. The heat from Cassie’s skin has me inching closer. Cassie’s eyes flash to mine. I grab her hand. She pulls. Ellie places her hands over both of ours, a begging smile for control on her face.

My heart rattles like tools in the back of the pickup. I squeeze Cassie’s hand until she looks up. “Why?”

Her
eyes flit to Ellie, then back to me. She shakes her head.

“Tell me why?” I whisper again.

The officiant clears his throat but doesn’t break his recitation. He gestures for the rings but I can’t let Cassie’s hand go.

“Leaving’s easier,” she whispers, and it’s a knife in my heart. Twisting and turning, bleeding me of all feeling until I’m numb.

Cassie takes the ring from my hand and gives both to the officiant. She scoots back to her spot, just out of view.

“Quinn,” Ellie whispers. “Go back to your spot.”

I look at my sister’s eyes. Her nose. Her pretty little grin.

I lean into her. “Is that how y’all felt . . . the day you realized I wasn’t coming back?”

Dean shifts his weight.

“Is it?” I ask again. “Because it hurts like hell and I’m sorry.” I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Ellie. To all of y’all.”

She grabs my hand. “It’s okay. We don’t need a reason anymore. We just need to know you’ll stay.” Her hand rubs over mine, then pats me on the cheek. “You’re here now. That’s what matters.”

I nod.
That’s what matters.
I move back into my spot and Wes squeezes my shoulder.
I’m here, that’s what matters.
I glance up and catch Cassie’s eyes. Her small smile. Her wish for me to understand. She’s right here and she’s all that matters. Relief parts my lips in a quiet sigh.

The officiant finishes the ceremony. The strings play the recessional, and Dean and Ellie head down the aisle. I’m up next, paired with Cassie. We meet in the middle, and I offer my arm. She slides her hand around it and I clamp my hand over hers, spreading her fingers with mine.
Panic
slides across her face in a wave of whitewash before returning her freckles to their normal amber hue. I can’t move, don’t want to. I just want everyone else to disappear so we can talk this out.

“Y’all go,” Kat urges.

I shake my head.

She moves around us and down the aisle with Wes. Two-by-two, the wedding party leaves. We’re last. Me and Cassie.

“We’ve got to go,” she says.

I nod and follow her lead.

“Annabeth talked to me,” I whisper.

This causes her to turn. I smile and she squeezes her cute little plum lips together in a scowl.

“I could’ve used you afterward.”

“I’m sure she has plenty to give.”

“Yes. Yes, she does. But I don’t want anything from her. I needed you. I had to settle for Wes.” I pat her hand. “Bawled like a baby.”

She doesn’t say anything as we follow the other bridesmaids down the path and behind the oaks to wait for the crew to disassemble the chairs and ready the dance floor for our introductions.

“Your mom warned me to stay away from you.” She tugs her hand but I squeeze my fingers around it tighter.

“Because you’re so perfect.”

“Because you’re her son.”

“
Because she knew you could steal my heart.”

“Because I’m not Annabeth.”

“Because I love you crazy.”

She stops tugging and stares into my eyes. “She should have told me why. I would’ve stepped aside. She’s right to want you committing all your time to your son, instead of me. He deserves a father.”

“That would’ve changed the way you feel?”

“I could’ve avoided you. Left as soon as my time was done. I could’ve poured all my energies into my work instead of you. I could’ve assured your mother we weren’t a thing. You could’ve stayed on your side of the line and I could’ve stayed on mine.”

Her eyes reflect the lowering sun and turn an odd shade of honey. Can she really say she regrets what happened between us? “Lines were made to cross. People were made to be loved and I love you, Cassie. Why can’t you accept it without reservation? Like at the ball. You were ready to love me back. A child won’t change that.”

“I did love you back, and see what I’ve become?”

“What, Cassie?” I pull her around, locking both hands on either side of her face. I smooth my thumbs over her cheeks. I see nothing but the perfect person for me. I don’t see flaws. I don’t see a wreck. I see Cassie. My Cassie.

“A stranger. I don’t recognize myself when I’m with you. I’ve lost sight of my goals. And I’ve done the math. We can’t be the one plus one equals one anymore. There’s someone else involved, now, and I won’t be a distraction.”

“You’ve already resigned to failure without taking my feelings into consideration. This was never supposed to be one-sided.” I step back and shove my hands in my pockets. I glance at
the
wedding party lining up for introductions. “The thing is,” I say to her, eyes on the guy rolling our names off his tongue, “you think you can’t succeed when you’re with me, but you can’t fail when you’re with me either.”

Chapter
30

Cassidy

The apparent pain in his heart pulls the corner of his mouth down. Damn if this doesn’t hurt my heart, too. His eyes search mine, begging for a chance to prove himself, but he has nothing to prove. I know he loves me. I know he wants me to stay. But this isn’t about what he wants anymore, and my presence clouds his judgement.