Love Off-Limits (10 page)

“I would never repeat anything you told me. And I would never think badly of you. Ever.”

Was he always this sincere? In that moment she felt she could confide.

She started slowly. “Well, it's Jeremy.” Deep breath. “You know I care about him so much. But for a long time now I think we've just…I guess I've just been more aware of our differences. It seems like we're so different and I keep thinking he would be perfect if I could just change a few things. But I can't change him, and the last thing I want to do is change him.” Matt listened, and she continued. What came next was the hardest part to admit to Jeremy's best friend. “I think I need a break. But with all that he's been going through, the last thing I want to do is hurt him.”

Matt sighed and gazed out the windshield. For a moment she felt like she shouldn't have said anything. It had been a mistake confiding in him. What was she
thinking? Imagine if Jo had a boyfriend and he basically told Natalie that he needed a break from her best friend. Natalie would feel horrible. It would put her in such an awkward spot. Talk about pressure. Look at the kind of pressure she'd just placed on Matt. It wasn't like he was going to tell her to follow her heart with this one. On the other hand, she wasn't sure how Jeremy really felt either. After all, maybe Matt knew something she didn't know. Before Jeremy's parents dropped their bombshell, she thought he might have been thinking of taking a break too.

“I guess it's just so hard for me to imagine anyone else with Jeremy, and vice versa. I think he's great for you.”

She had been such an idiot. Now she just looked ungrateful. Everyone thought Jeremy was great for her and she seemed to be the only person who doubted it. She probably sounded whiny to Matt. Good ol' Matt, who always appreciated what he had and went with the flow, was probably only lending an ear to a friend who needed someone to talk to, and she'd taken it too far.

“Yeah, you're right,” she said. “I guess I just need to be reminded sometimes.”

There was no good answer for what he'd said. She felt foolish.
Reminded sometimes?
Who had to be reminded that she liked her boyfriend? “Well,” she said, “thanks for listening.” She turned the key in the ignition. “I should probably head home. I told my parents I would be home by now.”

He nodded. “Me too.” He climbed from the car.

She wished she could rewind and place herself back in Denny's. She would've never told him the truth.

“Did you hear me?” Jeremy sounded irritated. “Hello? Am I talking to myself? I always love having conversations with myself.”

Natalie set down her sandwich and turned to her boyfriend. “Oh, sorry. I was just spacing out.”
Again?
she thought. First with Matt and now with Jeremy. Just yesterday she'd done this to Vincent. After she had come back to earth, Vincent had said he'd told her that the girls' bathroom in the F building was on fire and Justin Timberlake was putting it out, and she hadn't even flinched. Of course the bathroom hadn't been on fire and Justin Timberlake was probably romancing Jessica Biel somewhere in Hollywood, but that's how out of it she'd
been. She hadn't heard one word of Vincent's story about his drama teacher. Now she was not only a terrible girlfriend, but a terrible friend, too.

“That's a real interesting scene you were staring at there,” Jeremy said sarcastically.

“I wasn't even really watching anything,” she said. “I was just zoning.” Her eyes had been fixed on Brianna and Travis, but her thoughts had been on Matt. It had been three days since their Denny's encounter and they hadn't spoken a word to each other ever since. She didn't want to be paranoid, but it seemed like he was avoiding her. He hid in the newsroom for most of the lunch period, and whenever he did show up to lunch it was only to grab food from the cafeteria. If he did stick around for a few minutes he was surrounded by friends.

“What were you thinking about?” Jeremy asked.

“All these quizzes I have coming up.” She hated lying and quickly changed the subject. “What's up?”

“I was just wondering if you invited Brianna to my party.”

The party.
The truth was, she'd hardly done anything for the party. Guilt con
sumed her. She swallowed. “I was going to,” she said. “I will.”

She set down her drink and noticed that Matt had shown up for a change. He was talking to Brianna and Travis, and she wondered what they were all laughing about. She didn't mean to stare, and when he turned his gaze in her direction she quickly looked away.

She'd read his ghost story the same night he'd given it to her. Despite the fact that the story had kept her up until four in the morning, she'd loved it. She hated to admit it, but she had to watch the Cartoon Network just to desensitize herself from fear. She couldn't even log on to Romeohelpme. Every noise she'd heard in her house made her nerves jump. She'd been dying to discuss the story with Matt, but his random appearances had made it impossible. Every time she had tried to approach him, he was talking to someone else.

She saw him head to the cafeteria line and hoped that today she might find an opportunity to chat with him. Maybe discussing the story would get rid of the awkwardness that seemed to exist between them. They could discuss writing as usual and pretend as if the
Denny's parking lot conversation had never taken place.

She waited until he returned from the food line with a burrito that looked as though it had suffered a trauma in the cafeteria microwave during the defrosting process. She pulled the story from her backpack.

“Hey, stranger,” she said as she approached.

He smiled. “Someone has to finish up the paper.”

“You might have to change your address to the campus newsroom,” Natalie said.

He shrugged and revealed a sheepish smile.

“But seriously, if you need help, don't hesitate to ask.”

“It's cool. Mr. Moore's been in there every day at lunch, and a couple other staff writers.”

“Right on.” Paranoia crept up again. Up until now it seemed like he'd needed her help with the paper. Why was he turning down her offers? Was he avoiding more uncomfortable conversations about his best friend? She wished more than ever that she could rewind and take her words back. “That burrito looks like it took a brutal zap.” She tried to keep things light.

He chuckled. “That's what I get for coming to lunch late. They were out of all the good stuff.”

“What's in there, anyway?”

“Mystery meat and bean slop. You want a bite?” He held up the burrito.

“Sounds appetizing, but I think I'll pass this time.”

She sat in the shade next to him. “Anyway,” she said, “I loved your story.”

“Really? You loved it?” He seemed self-conscious in a cute way, like he'd been a little uncertain and her praise had boosted his confidence.

“I thought it was awesome.”

His smile grew wider as she shared her thoughts.

“It kept me up until four in the morning. Don't tell anyone, but I had to watch back-to-back episodes of
The Smurfs
just to come down from the fear.”

“You're so funny, Nat,” he said. She loved hearing him laugh.

“Seriously, you should write horror, Matt. I could see your name on the cover of a horror novel. It's really
that
good. I didn't have many notes. Just small things—things that maybe didn't make sense or typos.”

“Cool.” He smiled. “I can't wait to read your comments. So you think it's good enough for the paper?”

“Good enough for the paper? C'mon. It's almost too good for our little school newspaper.”

The bell rang and everyone began to scatter in various directions, gathering their backpacks and saying good-bye to friends. Matt thanked her again for reading the story before Brianna met up with them. It had become routine for Natalie and Brianna to head to their classes together after lunch. She sort of wished she had a few more minutes to chat with Matt.

The girls said good-bye to Matt before leaving the cafeteria.

“Have you figured out what you're going as to the Howl at the Moon dance yet?” Brianna asked. “All the good stuff is selling out at the shop.”

Ever since Jeremy and Natalie's initial visit to the costume shop, they'd sort of neglected searching for costumes. It had been a lingering source of dread for Natalie. Truthfully, it seemed like Jeremy wasn't as excited about finding costumes as he'd been in the past either. She assumed he probably
had more important things to think about with his family problems and everything.

“We're not sure yet.” Natalie wasn't in the mood to discuss costume ideas and decided to turn the focus to her new friend.

She knew Brianna didn't have a date to the dance, but figured it wouldn't be long before she found one. Pretty and cool, she had it all going for her. One of Jeremy's friends would snatch her up in no time. Or maybe Brianna just needed to make the first move. It seemed like Jeremy's baseball buddy Travis had his eye on her. Natalie often spotted them chatting during lunch.

“Why don't you ask someone to the dance?” Natalie asked. “You know this dance goes either way—girls can ask guys too. I can think of tons of Jeremy's friends you could go with. We'll find you a date.”

“Well, actually I do have someone in mind.”

“Really?” Natalie was excited for her. “That's great.”

“Yeah, but I'm not sure if he already has a date. Maybe you know if he does. But if I tell you, you have to promise not to say anything.”

It had to be Travis. Everyone knew that
they were flirting, and Travis was a good guy—he needed a date. “I'm almost positive Travis doesn't have a date yet,” Natalie said. “I haven't heard of anyone asking him.”

“Actually…I was thinking of asking Matt!”

“Matt? Matt. What a…fine choice. Good!” She'd never thought that Brianna would want to ask Matt to the dance, but it all made perfect sense now. When Matt was around during lunch, she had noticed them talking quite a bit. And how could she have ignored the giddy smile on Brianna only a few minutes ago when they had said good-bye to him.

Natalie wasn't supposed to feel disappointed by Brianna's choice. Brianna and Matt seemed like a perfect and obvious match. They were both down-to-earth and fun and likable. Why wouldn't she want to ask him? Natalie knew she would be acting like a total idiot if she was anything but encouraging. “He doesn't have a date. You should definitely ask him.”

A million thoughts ran through her head—a million thoughts that she hated. She tried to remember that she'd be an idiot not to be happy for them. She had no right
to feel anything other than hopeful for her two friends. But what if they fell madly in love? What if Natalie had to hang out with them all the time, and all the while her feelings for Matt grew deeper and deeper? What was her problem? She had a boyfriend. She wasn't free to pursue Matt, and even if she was, he didn't want her anyway. He thought she was great with Jeremy. Furthermore, Brianna was more than free. The thought of anyone asking him, and of Matt riding off into the Halloween sunset or full moon or whatever was appropriate for the dance, shouldn't feel unsettling to her, but it did.

She wasn't the type of person who could go for her boyfriend's best friend. She just wasn't, and though she wanted to believe that happy endings did exist, she knew they didn't. Look at the movie
Becoming Jane.
Jane Austen could've chosen to be with the man she loved. The consequence of choosing this particular guy would've let down everyone else in her life. Instead, she'd chosen the sensible path. This was a true story. Jane Austen had only written about all the happy endings in her books—in her works of fiction. Her real love life had ended sadly. That was life.

 

With all her obligations at the paper and her worries over her screwed-up love life, she hadn't even had much time to pursue her favorite indulgence—Romeohelpme. That night, she returned to her little world of escape and was excited to see that her cyber friends had been writing even when she wasn't around. She had tons of messages from all the usuals.

She liked her cyber friends, and she felt as though she knew most of them even though
she'd never seen them. She didn't even know their names. The only thing she knew of them were the voices she heard from their writing.

She was dying to talk to someone. She hadn't even told Jo or Vincent about all her true feelings. They knew she had doubts about Jeremy but they didn't realize how deep all these doubts went. She needed advice. Maybe she should just come clean. Spill everything to these nameless, faceless friends. There couldn't be a safer place to tell all. No one knew who she was. She began to type, and releasing her saga in words felt wonderful. Even if she ended up hitting delete, she'd still feel better. She just needed to get it out.

Writing her feelings reminded her of the time she was unfairly grounded for throwing a tennis ball through the laundry room window. It had been in retaliation for being attacked with Super Soak 'Em water guns from Thomas and Brandon. The tennis ball had been self-defense and was meant to drive them away. After being put on restriction for a weekend, she'd written her parents a very angry letter, citing in detail all their faults. It felt wonderful to get it all out, but in the end she'd torn up the letter.

She spent a long time spilling to her anonymous friends. She read her entry several times—changing words here, changing words there—until her eyes felt heavy and the clock read one a.m. She took a look at her final draft, uncertain as to whether or not she would even post it.

Every time she read her posts on Romeohelpme, it was the same. She felt the same weirdness. She'd never get over the irony that this confused girl known as Up
All Night was the same one behind Coyote Courtship.

She looked at the growing pile of dirty laundry in her room. Two weeks' worth of clothes poured from her closet. Unless she wanted to smell like a linebacker after a football game in September, she was going to have to throw a load in the wash. She gathered up some clothes and headed downstairs. Except for the howling wind outside, her house was dead quiet. Everyone had gone to bed. She'd always found windy nights to be the eeriest. In San Diego the hot autumn winds could get violent, and with the threat of fires the sound was unsettling. Wind howled through cracks in the windows and everything outside rattled and shook. After she returned from the laundry room she checked her post. She waited an hour, checking text messages and raiding her pantry for snacks in the meantime. Her options at half past midnight were limited. She ended up with a bag of Doritos and a glass of orange juice.