Love Song (9 page)

“No, you’re not. You’d be miserable if you married someone you didn’t love.”

“True. What about you and Wade? Think this is going somewhere?”

“I don’t know. I’d like it to, but I don’t think he could stand to be away from the ranch for long. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him to leave it and go on tour with me. Plus there are recording sessions in Nashville and publicity appearances and video sessions....There is hardly a free day.”

“Could you cut down a little and space things out so you’d be home more?”

“Maybe, but I’m not sure I want a week-or-two-a-month marriage. I don’t know if I could manage both a career and a successful marriage. It scares me to think about it.” She sighed heavily and hugged a fat throw pillow to her chest. “Right now, I could care less if I ever perform again.”

Dawn stared at her, obviously shocked. “You can’t be serious. That’s all you’ve ever wanted. All you’ve worked for since you were in high school. Andi, you’re a star. You’ve made it. Millions of people love to hear you sing.”

“It has its moments, but believe me, it ain’t all it’s made out to be.” She lowered the pillow to her lap, crushing the edges with her hands. “I know I sound like an ungrateful brat, but how much gratitude do I owe my fans? How long must I be responsible for Kyle and all the others who work for me? Do I owe them all so much that I have to sacrifice what I want more than anything?”

“No, you don’t,” said Dawn quietly. “What do you want more than anything?”

“A husband, children, and a loving home where we’re all together.”

“It seems to me that you’ve got a big decision to make.” Her cousin paused and set the book on the table beside her. “Have you talked to God about it?”

“You sound like Wade. The way you two talk, all I have to do is turn my life over to God, and all my troubles will be solved instantly.” Andi frowned and threw the pillow on the floor.

“They might be. Or it might take a long time. Sometimes things happen because God wants us to change or has something he wants us to learn. All I’m saying is that when you make Jesus a part of your life, you have someone to talk to, someone to guide you. He’s not called Wise Counselor just because it sounds nice.”

“He doesn’t seem to have solved all of your problems.” Andi was being sarcastic, even nasty, but she couldn’t seem to help it. Relinquishing control of her life was difficult, and in her heart, she knew that’s what she would have to do if she turned back to God. She couldn’t simply give him lip service and then do her own thing. For her, it was all or nothing.

“No, he hasn’t. Not yet, but I do believe he knows what is best for me. And I suppose when it comes to relationships, one person involved might be ready before the other one is. Free will is a part of it, too. God lets us make our own choices, whether they are right or wrong, but when we make the right one, we know it because we have peace.”

Peace
.
Like I felt at the ranch today,
thought Andi.

“Of course, human emotions get involved and too often mess things up. Human logic, too. My biggest problem is impatience—not that anyone would notice. That’s probably why God is taking forever to let me find my man.” She rolled her eyes. “Don’t ever ask God to teach you patience. What a bummer!”

Andi smiled in spite of her turbulent emotions. “I’ll remember that.” She paused, feeling the weariness creep over her again. “I’m afraid I’ve been a big disappointment to God. I’m not sure he wants me back.”

“Are you nuts? Think what a witness you could be. Not that you would have to start preaching or anything, but your life is so visible to so many, just the fact that you love him would make an impact.” Dawn’s voice grew soft. “And even if you weren’t Andi Carson, the big singing star, he would love you. There is room in God’s heart and his kingdom for all who seek him, whether great or small, rich or poor, good or bad. Why don’t you go to church with me?”

“I don’t know.” Andi hedged. “Let me think about it. Check with me tomorrow. I’ve got to hit the sack. I’m zonked and my head aches.”

“Okay. See you in the morning.”

Though her mind was in a turmoil, Andi fell asleep shortly after she went to bed. Her rest was fitful, plagued by crazy, unsettling dreams. When Dawn gently woke her up Sunday morning, she was still exhausted. Her head felt as if a little gremlin was standing inside it beating a sledge hammer against a giant bass drum. She sat up slowly, holding the top of her head.

“You don’t look too good.” Dawn frowned and felt of her forehead. “No temperature, but you’re white as a ghost. Headache worse?”

“Awful. I’m afraid I did way too much yesterday.”

“How are your lungs?”

Andi took a deep breath. “Clear. I don’t need the oxygen.” She tried to smile but failed.

“I’ll get you something for your headache, then you’d better go back to sleep. Are you hungry?”

Andi’s stomach recoiled at the thought of food. “No, but I’d like to sleep for a week.”

She slept until late afternoon and awoke refreshed, without the headache. With her stomach rumbling, she strolled into the kitchen.

Dawn was sitting at the table, balancing her checkbook. “How are you feeling?”

“Normal and hungry. What are you cooking?” Andi sniffed and headed toward the stove. “Smells good.”

“Beef and barley soup. It should be done. Help yourself while I clear up this mess.”

“You want some?”

“Yes. I have to leave for choir practice in about an hour. Don’t want my stomach growling.” Dawn cleared off the table while Andi filled the soup bowls and put out some crackers. She poured them each a glass of iced tea and sat down to eat. “Wade asked about you this morning. He was very concerned to hear you weren’t feeling well. He said to call him if you felt like it. He didn’t want to call and wake you up. If you eat fast, you might catch him before he leaves for church.”

“He’s in the choir, too?”

“Our main bass. He’s the only one who can hit the really low notes. He fills in on baritone if we need him, as long as it doesn’t go too high.”

“He has a beautiful voice. We were singing along with the radio some last night on the way back to town.”

“Plays the guitar, too.”

“A man of many talents.” Andi devoured half her soup in a very unladylike manner, then set the bowl aside. “I’ll finish this after I talk to Wade.”

She grabbed the cordless phone and hurried into the bedroom, dialing as she went.

When he answered and found out it was her, his voice instantly grew warmer and dropped at little deeper. “How are you feeling?”

Like I just snuggled up beside you,
she thought with a contented smile. “Much better. Guess I’ll have to keep taking it easy for a while longer.”

“Gets old, doesn’t it? I remember how bored I got when I was laid up after my famous last bull ride. Want some company this evening?”

“Sure. Why don’t you come by after church?”

“I could run over after choir practice and pick you up if you want to come to the evening service.”

She heard the hopefulness in his voice, although she suspected he was trying to sound casual. “Maybe another time.”

“All right. I’ve got to run, or I’ll be late. See you a little after seven.”

Andi showered and dried her hair, then dressed in a comfortable purple sweat suit with an oversized top. She was taking the hot rollers from her hair when Dawn stuck her head through the doorway and announced she was leaving. Brushing her hair, Andi stared in the mirror. “Well, kid, you’ve put this off long enough.”

She still wasn’t convinced that God would welcome her back with open arms, but she felt she had to at least try to talk to him. Restless, she wandered out into the living room. Spotting a Bible on the bookshelf, she picked it up. The cover was a bit worn, and the pages had been handled many times.

She curled up on the couch, holding the Bible, and whispered, “Heavenly Father, I walked away from you a long time ago, and I feel bad about it. In spite of my unfaithfulness, you’ve greatly blessed me, and I’m thankful for all the wonderful things that have happened in my career. I should be happy, but I’m not. In many ways, my life is a mess. I’ve done things I’m ashamed of and other things that probably weren’t all that great, either. But I guess right now, more than anything, I’m scared. Scared you don’t want me. Scared you’ll turn me away.” Tears stung her eyes. “I know I don’t have a right to ask, but could you give me some kind of reassurance?”

Heart pounding and mind whirling, she waited in tense silence until she felt the urge to read the Bible. She didn’t know where to look. A red ribbon was attached to the spine of the book, its length serving as a marker. Gently lifting the frayed end of ribbon, Andi opened the Bible to the book of Hebrews.

Several passages on both pages were underlined, but the one that caught her eye was Hebrews four, verse sixteen, “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

A sob broke from her throat and tears filled her eyes. “Oh, Jesus, I do need your mercy and grace. I need you.” It was as if a flood gate had opened. Weeping, and at the same time rejoicing in the answer to her prayer, Andi poured out her heart to her Lord. She wasn’t aware of how long she sat there, praising him, asking forgiveness when certain things came to mind, seeking his guidance, and finally, simply sitting in still silence, basking in his love and presence.

She heard a car drive up and quickly blew her nose one last time and put the Bible back on the shelf. A knock sounded at the door as she peeked in a small mirror hanging beside the bookshelf and shook her head. She had never been one to cry prettily.

When Andi opened the door, Wade took one look at her puffy eyes and red nose, stepped into the room, shoved the door closed, and gathered her in his arms. “Sugar, what’s wrong?”

She laid her head on his shoulder and sighed in contentment. “Nothing.”

“No offense, but you look like you’ve been crying your heart out. Level with me. What happened?” He ran his hand gently up and down her back.

“God and I have been getting reacquainted.”

His hand went still. “Oh.”

She leaned back against his arms and looked up at him. “Didn’t God have to do some housecleaning when you first came to him?”

He smiled gently, beautifully. “Did he ever. The house, the garage, the barn, even a few stalls. I was a real mess. He still has to go through the closets every so often.”

She grinned and stepped out of his arms, catching his hand. “No doubt I still have lots of cobwebs and corners that need sweeping, but we’ve made a good start.” She led him to the sofa. “You were right. He’s always been there. All I had to do was reach out and touch him.”

Wade sat down beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. “And I bet you don’t feel as lonely or as empty as you did a little while ago.”

“No, although he did leave some spaces that need filling. It will be interesting to see how he does it. In the meantime, my life is his. I know with all my heart that he loves me and accepts me, warts and all.”

He cupped her chin with his hand, tipping her face this way and that. “I don’t see any warts.” His eyes began to twinkle as he focused on her red nose. “Just Rudolph.”

“You really know how to compliment a girl, don’t you?”

“Yes, ma’am. I could kiss it and make it better.”

“Think it would help?”

“Sure.” He caressed her cheek with his thumb and dropped a tiny kiss on the tip of her nose. “And your eyes. They must hurt, too.”

“Terribly.” She closed her eyes and waited. She wasn’t disappointed.

He touched each lid gently, then murmured, “How about your lips?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

His first kiss was tender and sweet. The second, long and lingering. Slowly he raised his head. “This could get addictive.”

“Pretty potent stuff.” She’d never experienced anything like it.

“And dangerous.” He straightened and leaned back against the couch, keeping her nestled against his side. “Oh, I forgot to tell you, Dawn went over to Miss Atkins’ house. She’s recruited her and Harold for the museum committee. She said she’d be home later, maybe around nine or ten.” He shifted slightly so she would be more comfortable. “When do you go back to the doctor?”

“Friday afternoon.”

“I’ll be going over to Sidell on Friday to pick up some tractor parts that are on order. Want me to take you?”

“Hot date, huh? Which shall we do first? Visit the doctor’s office or tour the tractor dealer’s?”

“Either one you want. And if you don’t get too sassy, I might throw in dinner and a movie.”

“Now you’re talking. But I need to pick up a rental car, too.”

“You can borrow the Blazer. I can do without it for a while. I’ve got the roadster and the pickup.”

“Thanks, but I’d rather get my own. I’d feel bad if you needed it, and I was roaming around someplace. Besides, I think I’m in the mood for something sporty, maybe a red convertible.”

He frowned down at her. “You don’t have any business going off by yourself, especially in a red convertible. That’s no way to keep a low profile.” When she started to protest, he stopped her. “Logan told me that you need a body guard whenever you go out in public. What makes you think it will be any different around here?”

“There won’t be any problem in Buckley.”

“Probably not, until someone tells a friend that you’re here, and that friend tells another, and that one can’t resist calling the media with a hot tip. Before you know it, you won’t be able to step out the front door without people swarming all over you. In fact, if you rent a car, the word is likely to spread like wildfire that you’re in the area. It wouldn’t take a bright reporter to figure out where you’re staying.”

“You’re right. I’ll borrow the Blazer, and I won’t go anywhere without a disguise. It usually works well. You can’t imagine what sunglasses and a curly blond wig will do.”

“Turn you into a Dawn clone?”

She laughed. “Not even close.”

“Well, you don’t need the wig on Friday.”

She reached over and felt his hard biceps. “No, I don’t believe so.” She doubted that the highest paid bodyguard would protect her the way he would.