Loved In Pieces (43 page)

I said the only thing I could say,
“I love you, too, Dad.”

I sat with him as the sun rose and then left to get ready f
or
my workout.

Dad
was in the living room when I got home
from my first day of finals
.
He greeted me,
“
Lia
, come here.” I sat with him on the couch.

“I met Jack at UCLA today and with the FBI agents assigned to the investigation. He gave us a run-down of the crime. He expedited your labs and is analyzing the results of what he has so far.  I’ve arranged for him to see Michelle on Sunday after graduation. He wants to see you
again
, too.

“After Jack left, I gave the agents your and
Michelle’s
contact
information. They’
ll respect your request for confidentiality, but want you to be sure to cooperate with them immediately upon request. Jack will continue to know you only as CSY7, but honestly all he has to do is watch TV to know who you are.”

I laughed, “Good, then he won’t know who we are. I’m sure he didn’t recognize me
or yo
u
—
which
w
as kind of weird
—
so I get the feeling that pop culture is not one of his interests.”

“No,”
Dad
agreed
. “
Not when
he is trying to save his son, w
hich is what I wanted to talk to you about. His son is
nineteen
. He was treated with
x
-nib when Michelle was, five years ago. He had some type of leukemia that was resistant to the
treatments
they tried, but
x
-nib cured him. The only side
effect
s
that he
had w
ere
the same tumor you have and
the same slow aging that you have experienced. Other than having a weak i
mmune system, he
’
s healthy
.
”

“But Dr. Jack freaked out that I was on both drugs for four years.
He said that it was an aggressive chemotherapy, a last resort.
”
I admitted
, “
I’m worried
that
I
might
die tomorrow.”

“
A
t this time, there is no need to worry about you dying, and Jack is confident that they
will have a cure soon. They know the issue is with your pituitary gland. With the new data you and Michelle can offer, he is sure that his team will figure it out. Already, he said that your existence has made him think of new possibilities. He already wants to give his patients the immunity booster once he talks with Michelle
and analyzes her prescriptions
.”

He hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead. “
You’re
not going to die
of
this,
filly
.”

I was more than relieved, but I had to ask, “What about missing my period? Will that be… permanent?”

“I wish I could remember his words. But he thinks you’ll menstruate again. His son
can reproduce
. He’
ll
run tests on how your tissues respond to the chemo alone, the chemo with
the
immunity drug in combo, and the immunity drug alone.”
He handed me a piece of paper. “You’re
going to need support.
Dr. Jack
included
his
son’s email
. He’
s the
[email protected]
address. He’s been thr
ough this and can help you. He
lives in Geneva, Switzerland with
his mom
and
sisters
.
”

I exhaled and closed my eyes. So much worry. So much speculation. This was exhausting.

“Dad? Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure. What?”

“Can I be a kid just a while longer and have the adults handle the whole
cancer
discussion with the doctor thing and keep me out of the speculation? I spent all day thinking I was going to live a long, lonely life as an infertile old maid.”

“
You’re
my little filly. Yes. I can do that
…for now.”

“Thanks, Dad. I’m going to go shower now. I feel grimy.”

I walked to my room and logged into my new
Gmail
account.

I decided to reach out to Jack’s son. He lived through having leukemia. Jack said he would help. I wondered what time it was in Switzerland.

Hi. I’m CSY7.

I just met your dad Saturday. He did tests on me
yesterday
. He was looking for
any
cancer
growth that x-
nib could have caused and said I have a non-functioning tumor, just like you had.

He said that I could talk to you about stuff. I write better normally
,
but this is hard because I am not used to talking to strangers. I’m a celebrity and shouldn’t tell you who I am, so please, let’s call each other by our case number. That bone marrow needle was really creepy, by the way. Your dad said you’ve had that done several times.
Ouch
. I’m glad I couldn’t feel it entirely. It still hurt like hell, though.

I’m 18. I just found out that my mom gave me
Xrysinib
when I was 14. I’ve taken it for 4 years. She
takes
it, too,
started
5 years ago
,
as an alternative to plastic surgery
—
to look young
.
.

I know it was despicable to give me the drug, but now
I’m
trying to cope. The past is the past. I’m now looking for hope. Your dad said that it cured you but now people have died who took it.
Are you afraid?

The thing that knots my stomach most is that the one thing I wanted most in life was to find love, have babies, have grandkids. Dr. Mark said that my menstrual cycle would return when I’m off
x
-nib. Now I don’t believe him because I don’t believe anything
he said
. I’m worried that I won’t be able to have babies. I don’t think I could ask any one that I really loved to marry me knowing that he
could never have children with me. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I’d adopt to have kids, even though I’d be forever single. I’m worried
that
m
y mom will die.
—CSY7

I pressed send, knowing that the email was a confusing mess of thoughts but also knowing I was safe from judgment because CSY6 would never know
me
.

When I got out of my shower,
Dad
was on the phone with someone from his clinic.
I studied for finals and
saw that I ha
d an email on my Gmail account.

Hi CSY7. Please don’t despair.

First, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you’ve experienced such a blow. Next I want to tell you to have hope. I have hope.

Your data will help my dad and his team reanalyze the
other test
results and find a cure. Perhaps your pituitary gland will unlock its secrets. We know that somehow the drug damaged the gland. Obviously
x
-nib caused the tumor.

Second, take a step back. I was 12 when I got childhood leukemia. My Grandpa and uncle died of leukemia, too. I thought for sure I was a goner when chemo didn’t work when I was 13. Even after I was ‘cured’ I still thought I’d die by the time I graduated high school. That was a year ago
,
and I’m still here and
still
strong.

When you’re first diagnosed,
you go through the 5 Steps of Grief: 1.Denial and Isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance
.
If you have a tumor on your gland, it’s not terminal. You’ll have an easy surgery and get it out of your brain. Trust me, you’ll live through it.
I’ve experienced that the body takes a ton of abuse. I’ve had bone marrow transplants
, c
hemo
, r
adiation
, brain surgery.
It all hurts
, b
ut stay positive. Your body will heal.

I also missed lots of school.  The cool thing with our condition is that I’m repeating high school.
I’m
finishing my junior year
in Geneva. It’
s actually great to repeat high school. It gave me a second chance. I study hard. I’m learning everything that I missed. I’m taking languages. I’m already fluent in French, German
and English and am learning Mandarin, Italian and Russian.

Your fear of your mom
dying and your fear of being infertile are
overreaction
s right now. The fears are going to come at you
—
I sure had terrible nightmares
—
but you have to acknowledge the feeling
s
and let
them
go.
That was hard for me to do.
I’ll help you.

Here’s what I’ve learned from facing death
a few times
: Bodies are resilient. We can endure a lot of physical pain. Avoid the self-inflicted emotional pain. Live life fully. Have fun. Make the most of yourself. Improve yourself. Think through your actions to make sure you can live with the consequences. Make good decisions so you can live a long, happy life. 
—
CSY6

I felt better after reading
Six
’s email and ventured out of my room to find Dad.
He apologized that he needed to take a red-eye flight back to Palo Alto.
Two of the polo horses collided
and the clinic needed him
.

A pang of
unfairness
hit me hard. Dealing with my fear
of cancer
produced a new level
of stress I had not experienced
. It was not a physical stress like the kind I felt at awards shows
or after
Dad
left
.
My knees did not buckle.
I could not
make up my mind to
act my way out of it.
It was a stress
ful
and
angry
feeling
that left me
hollow and desperate
.

Dad
and I had dinner together
,
and then I drove him to the Los Angeles airport to take a flight to San Jose,
C
alifornia
.
Manuel hadn’t arrived to spend the night so I texted him.
I studied
for finals
but couldn’t concentrate
. I missed
Manuel so much that my chest ached
.

Awake at dawn again, I found myself in the hot tub listening to the crows squawk.

Yes,
Michelle
betrayed me and lied. But she also loved me. I saw it in her haunting eyes. I also saw it in the strain of her face. She was truly sorry. She was a good person who did a monstrous thing. I understood her
but didn’t like her and would never trust her again
.

“Hi. You okay?” Manuel asked from the doorway. He was in his underwear.

“Hurry in!” I shouted. “Someone could take a photo!”

I laughed when he got in
to the hot tub
, splashing everywhere. I kept laughing, smiling. I was happy.

Manuel was confused. “You seem
happy
?”

“Well, I am. Content really.”

He interrupted. “How? What
?
Lia
… after you
r
…”

I interrupted, looking
at him with a sincere
smile. “I
understand
Michelle. I’m peaceful.”

He was pissed, frowning. “
¡Dios mío
! 
Liana Marie
, you can be so mental! I will not let you forgive her. This is total bullshit!”

I just shook my head and smiled at him. He did not understand.

He
fumed,
“
Lia
, you forgive too easily. Your dad left you, you forgive him. Your parents made you live all alone for months at a time, you forgive them. Hollywood messed you up, you forgive the bastards.
Byron
pressured
you, you forgive him. I pressured you, you forgive me. My mom insulted you, you forgive her. Michelle hurts you, you forgive her? I can’t allow you to keep doing this to yourself. She has to pay, to suffer! You can’t forgive her.”