Loving A Firefighter (Loving Series) (11 page)

“I think I’ll have some oatmeal.  Can I fix some for you?”

“That would be nice.  It was relatively quiet in the ER last night and I slept well.  The oatmeal will top it off and get me stoked for the chores.”

“I’ll help.  It’s too early for the stores to be open yet.”

“Mom, can we have one of our mother to daughter talks?”

“Of course, honey, what’s on your mind?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Chip has told me he loves me twice and I haven’t said it back.  Mama, I do love him.  He makes me feel good all over.  He’s sweet, and respectful.  I do believe he truly loves me. 

I think it’s his being paralyzed.  I dreamed about us last night.  He was in a wheel chair and I
had to push him around.  When people passed us, I could see the pity in their eyes.  I could almost hear them say, “Look at her wasting her life with that cripple.” 

I feel like I’m a big coward.  I don’t want to spend my life being a caregiver.  I want to live.  I want to have kids and a husband that loves me and will be a life partner raising our kids.”  Tears were pouring down her cheeks. 

Her mother handed her a Kleenex.  She said, “Carrie, honey, I don’t think you’re a coward.  I think you’re being overwhelmed with all that’s happened to you.  Someone you were once close to tried to kill you by setting a fire in your home.  You’ve been shot twice.  Someone you care for, someone that saved your life two times was shot twice, and almost died and now is paralyzed.  God said he would not give you something you couldn’t handle but he’s got to be pushing the envelope this time.  Maybe we should get you some counseling to help you get over this.”

“Maybe so.
  But what do I do about Chip?”

“What do you want to do?  Is he important to you or did those bullets take it out of you?”

“I don’t know, Mama.  He is important to me.  It hurts to see him like he is, knowing he wouldn’t be this way if it weren’t for me.”

“You can’t take that on your shoulders too.
  You want me to get some recommendations on a psychiatrist?”

“I guess so.  I can’t go on like this.”

“Why don’t you go shopping with me?  You can help pick out some new work clothes.  We can get lunch while we are out.  We haven’t done that in too long a while.”

“Okay, I’ll be ready to go in half an hour.”

They spent the morning shopping, had lunch and went back for more shopping after lunch.  Carrie bought enough to where she had a suitable wardrobe for work.

It was with a heavy and troubled heart she went to the hospital and Chip.

When she walked into the room, he was alone.  The TV was on but he had the sound muted.  He was staring at the ceiling.

“Penny for your thoughts,” she said as she walked into the room.  She walked over to the bed and kissed him.  Could I do some damage if I hugged you?”

My thoughts were about you and are worth way more than a penny.  The doctor didn’t say anything about hugging.  They just aren’t getting me up for the time being.  They’ve got my back stabilized with a partial cast now, so it should be all right.”

She sat on the side of the bed and leaned over sliding an arm under and pulling him down and kissed him.  He participated in the effort.  It was not filled with the heat and passion the kisses were before the accident.

“Mom and I went shopping this morning and I got my clothes all lined up.  I think I have enough so I won’t be embarrassed by them.”

She said, “Honey, I’m having a really hard time right now.  With your condition, it makes me feel like I’m the coward of the county.  Mom thinks it’s because of all that has happened to me… to us.  I’m going to get some counseling and see if that will help.”

She was crying now and Chip tried to comfort her, patting her on the back and holding her as far as he could, considering the circumstances.  It didn’t help and she continued to sob.

It was Saturday and she had an appointment with a highly recommended psychiatrist on Tuesday. 

She didn’t go to the hospital on Sunday, nor did she call.  On Monday, she had a full day, with two assignments and catching up on some projects she had volunteered to take on. 

She called Monday.  Chip sounded a little off.  His voice was flat
and emotionless.  The neurologist had told him there was no visible damage to his spinal column and things just needed to heal.  The doctor said he believed there would be a full restoration of the function would.  Chip was to go home the next day, and return daily for therapy.  He would be doing water therapy at first and then extend that into maintaining strength in his limbs.  They were exercising his legs mechanically.

Carrie’s work day on Tuesday was pretty much the same as her other days.  Go to an accident or fire scene, talk with the responders or witnesses.  She had not had another fatal scene since the one on Preston Road where ten people died.  The memory of that would be with her forever.

Today
was her first appointment with the psychiatrist.  She was the only person in the waiting room when she arrived, and she was fifteen minutes early.  After checking in, she sat in one of the soft chairs.  It was very comfortable.  She heard the low sound of the wind.  Someone was calling her name.  She had dozed off and Doctor Levy was standing in an open doorway.  She glanced at her watch and realized the fifteen minutes had passed.

Dr. Levy introduced himself and pointed down a short hallway.  He was about her height, and had a full beard.  They went in to a room painted light green.  The room had a small desk, a couch and two chairs.  He indicated she should sit in one of the chairs and he took the other.
  He picked up a pad and pen.  He wore a friendly smile and he spoke with a soft voice.  He said he was going to have a diet Pepsi and asked if she would like one.  She declined.

“Carrie, tell me a little about you and why you came to see me today.

Not knowing where to begin, she told him her background, her school and college.  She told him where she worked and what she did.

“Tell me about what you do at WFAA.  Do you like it?”

“I have my dream job and I really do like it.  Her face lit up as she spoke.  Dr. Levy made periodic notes.

“Do you have a lot of friends?”

“Not really.  Most of the people I went to school with have married or moved away.  I don’t attend church as much as I should.  I’m in a new job at work.  There’s a lot of change over among the talent at the station and I haven’t gotten really close to anyone there.  Amanda is the only person from school that I see and I saw her for the first time in forever when she came to the hospital to take me home.”

“Why were you in the hospital?”

She told him about the fire and the breakup with Nathan.  “Tell me about Nathan.”

“He was a creep and was always pressuring me to have sex.
”  She was finding Dr. Levy very easy to talk with.  “He conned the landlord out of a key to my apartment and invited someone over.  I came home from work and found him in bed with someone.”

“Did that make you feel betrayed?”

“No, it made me furious.  I chased them off threatening them with a baseball bat.  I was glad I found out about him before I made a big mistake.”

“What about the fire?”

“I was sick and gone to bed early.  The doctor said I had the flu.  I woke up with my smoke alarm going off.  I called 911 and the fire department came and found my sofa smoldering and filling the apartment with smoke.  Chip took me to the EMT’s and insisted I let them check me over.  They took me to the hospital and kept me overnight and checked for any signs of trouble from the smoke inhalation.  Chip came to the hospital and took my statement, and offered me a ride home.  I called Amanda instead and she took me home.”

“Tell me about Chip.  Did you see him after the hospital?”

“Yes, he came to the apartment to check on the damage so he could write his report.”

“It sounds as if you like Chip.”

“I do.  He’s one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met,
she said with a smile on her face.” 

“Anything else?”

“He went with me to the police department to get a restraining order against Nathan after he tried to break my door down.”

“Did you see him socially?”

“Yes.  We’ve gone to the movies several times, been out to dinner.  He’s taken me to several baseball games.  I guess we’ve dated for over three months.”

“Are you still seeing him?”

“He’s in the hospital now, and I visit him there.”

“Why is he in the hospital?”

“We had gone out to dinner and Nathan stopped us in the parking lot and wanted to talk to me.  Chip asked if I wanted to talk to him and I said no.  Chip told Nathan I said no and told him to leave us alone.  Nathan shot him, and then shot me twice.  Chip got up, shoved me out of the way, up and grabbed him.  Nathan shot him twice more and then killed himself.”

“
So he saved your life?  Do you feel responsible for him getting shot?”

“I am
responsible.  If it hadn’t been for me and the fire, Chip and I wouldn’t have met.  He wouldn’t have gotten shot nor would I.  Nathan wouldn’t be dead.  So, yes, I do feel guilty.”

“How are you now?”

“I’m fine.  They sutured the laceration in my liver, and removed my spleen.  I’m fine now.”

“How is Chip?”

“They removed a part of his liver.  A bullet lodged in his heart and he’s paralyzed from the waist down.  He saved my life twice and I’m walking around and he can’t walk.”

“You’ve taken on a big load of guilt for something you could not have helped?”

“About you and Chip now, do you like him?”

“Yes. 
I like him a lot.  “He’s told me he loves me twice but I haven’t told him how I feel.   I just can’t say it.”

“How do you feel?”

“I think I’m in love with him.”

“Other than feeling guilty, are you bothered by his paralysis?”

“Yes.  I think he’s going to ask me to marry him and I don’t know if I can.”

“Why not?”

“Every time I think about it, I think about pushing him around in a wheel chair and people looking at me and feeling pity for me.”

“Carrie, our time is up today.  I think we made some progress today.  I would like to see you again this week.  We need to explore the guilt.  We can get to the root of it and change your thinking.  Do you want to see Chip again?”

“Yes I do.”

“Then by all means do.  I think it will be good for you.  Can
we meet again, same time on Thursday?”

“Yes, I can.  You have the nicest waiting room.  I fell asleep waiting.”

“He smiled an amusing smile and said, “It’s the white noise machine.  It’s beneath one of the chairs and the sound it makes masks other sounds.”

“I need to get one of those.  Thank you,
Doctor and I’ll be here Thursday.”  He had a discreet exit door to the hallway open.  She walked out, leaving him with several pages of notes.  She was surprised that she was feeling better as she rode the elevator to the first floor.

Carrie went to work the next day.  She
was assigned a photographer and coverage of a traffic accident on Stemmons Freeway.  She conducted two interviews.  After the red light went out on the second one, the photographer came over and extended his hand.  “Great job Carrie.  Good interview.”  It made her feel good.

* * *

Chip’s mother took him to the cardiologist’s office for his followup examination.  They performed an ultra sound, and did a chemical stress test.  The cardiologist came out after the technician had finished with the stress test.  He said, “Chip, we need for you to come in for more tests.  There’s some irregularity that shows on the EKG and we need to find out what’s going on.  Also, the ultra sound shows the bullet is moving around.  That is potentially dangerous.”

“I feel fine, doctor.”

“Well, be that as it may, we need some more tests.  It may be nothing, or it may be serious.  We’ll do a CT Scan and it should give us the answer.  As it is, your BP is a little low and there’s an irregularity showing in the EKG.”  He led Chip to a monitor and displayed a picture from the EKG.  “See the irregularity here, here, and here?  It shouldn’t be there.  Can you do this tomorrow?”

“Sure. 
Where do I go and what time?”

It was set up for the next morning at nine o’clock.

Carrie came over that night.  “What did the cardiologist say?  Is everything okay?”

“Not exactly.
  I have to go in tomorrow for some more tests.  There’s some sort of irregularity in the pattern of my heartbeat.  They want to do a CT scan and think it will show the problem.”

Carrie buried her head on Chip’s chest.  She was frightened and on the verge of tears.  “
God, how much more can you take? Will they have to operate?”

“I guess that depends on what they find.”

“I was so hoping this entire episode was behind us.  Chip, I couldn’t stand it if anything happened to you.”