Loving War (25 page)

I just want out of here before I drop to the ground and cry myself into dust. If I had realized it would hurt this much to fall in love, I never would have risked it. It’s too much.

The knot in my chest makes it hard to breathe. The lump in my throat has me barely able to swallow. And the tears in my eyes are slowly starting to drip out despite my attempts to restrain them.

When Kode admitted that it was him, I realized he was trying to let Rain go. But only because he couldn’t ever have her. It’s agonizing, but it’s understandable. And I saw it coming. I really did, but I fooled myself into believing that I could one day be the only one he saw.

The second choice sister. That’s me. And I’m so sick of it.

Now I’m hurting him by forcing him to see this as it is. I know he hasn’t been doing this to me on purpose. Not even he is an asshole like that. And if it wasn’t for Rain, I’d be enough for him. But I’m not. He just can’t see that, and I’m not willing to try outshining eleven years’ worth of devotion.

“Kode, if you care about me at all, please let me walk away right now. Don’t make me fall apart in front of you.”

He takes a step toward me, and my body tenses. I’m terrified he’s going to kiss me again, and I love him so much that I’ll let him. I’ll push him away, but not until our lips have touched and danced to a familiar song that only we seem to hear.

“Fall apart, Tria. Slap me, punch me, kick me, scream at me until you can’t breathe… Do whatever you want to, but please don’t leave. I swear I’ll put you back together if you’ll let me.”

My sobs break free, and he instantly has me in his arms, drawing me against the body I’ve sought for so many different reasons. I clutch him for a moment, letting myself be comforted by the same man who has broken me. Then I pull back while shaking my head.

“I need to go. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now.”

“Tria,” he groans. “Baby, I’m sorry. I fucked up. I was young and—”

“And still in love with her just a few months ago.” Why can’t he see this? Why can’t he tell he’s killing me right now? “Kode, this was doomed from the beginning. You don’t love a girl like Rain Noles and get over her with a girl like me. I. Have. To. Go.”

I punctuate my words with a hiccupped sob that escapes me just as I barge by him.

“You’re wrong, Tria. You’re the only girl in the world who could have made me realize that I never could love a girl like Rain Noles.”

I keep walking, refusing to let him talk me out of this. I know what I just saw… what I just heard. Believing him now would be the death of me tomorrow.

He doesn’t follow, or chase me, or fight for me in any way as I grab my phone from the bar. I walk out, not bothering to put on any shoes. I never got my purse out of my car earlier, so at least I don’t have to worry about coming back for that.

I’m so glad Pete is in jail, because I finally have my car and my home back, and I don’t plan on getting out from under the covers for a few days.

The second I get into my car, my phone chirps, and I hesitate to read it. Finally, I do.

Your Public Boyfriend:
I’m not giving up.

From anyone else, that would make me sick. With Kode, it gives me false hope. There’s no way in hell he can ever possibly prove that I won’t have to compete with the one who got away.

I know he doesn’t realize he’s playing with my head, so it’s on me to be strong enough for the both of us until he stops giving a damn. That shouldn’t take too long.

Chapter 25

TRIA

“Tria? Are you in here?”

I shush Rain while chewing on the greasy bag of chips. She walks in, her eyes wide, and gazes over the hell my room has become.

“Leo let me in. I didn’t know he was staying with you.”

“Yeah. Jack—his brother—got a girlfriend, and it got crowded, so he moved in a few days ago. He’s crashing here until he finds something,” I mumble absently.

“Have you—”

“Shh!” I interrupt as I move closer to the edge of the bed, waiting for a miracle to happen, but no. No miracle. You have to be kidding me!

My bag of chips go flying across the room, scattering and not inflicting nearly enough damage on the TV.

“Something they said?” she asks dryly, glancing back and forth between the TV and me.

“He dies?!” I yell in disbelief, glaring at the screen, still wondering if something is going to happen to magically bring him back to life.

No. Nothing. He’s dead.

“I just spent two hours of my life watching that angst-ridden, gut-clenching, long-as-hell movie to distract me from our miserable existence, and he dies right after they finally get together? How can they classify that as a romance? I’m suing them for false representation!”

Rain comes to sit beside me, sighing as she looks around at the room I’ve barely left all week.

“She wanted to give it a realistic touch,” she says in defense of the heartless person who created this tragedy—not a romance.

“If I want reality, I’ll walk outside and breathe in the toxic air, dammit. I’ll take a look at my own miserable life. If I read or watch a movie, I’d better get a fucking happily-ever-after.”

She frowns as she looks me over. It’s not like I’m disgusting. I had a shower yesterday. Or was it the day before?

“Tria, I’m worried about you.”

I pick up another bag of chips that I have stashed beside my bed, and I open them while curling up for the next movie on my list. It had so better have a good ending, or I’m buying a plane ticket to Hollywood so I can beat the hell out of someone.

“Why?” I ask casually, even though I’m not stupid enough to not know her reason for concern.

“You haven’t answered your phone all week—”

“I have for business related things,” I interrupt, letting her know I’m not that far gone. Is it so wrong to need some space from everyone and everything that is connected to the man who unintentionally broke my heart?

“Okay… Are you mad at me?”

I wish I could be. It’d make seeing her less painful. “No,” I confess, sighing.

She seems relieved by that, but the worry in her eyes doesn’t lighten. If anything it seems to weigh on her even more.

“Tria, you’re not leaving your house, and now you’re yelling at a movie.”

“The wonderful world we live in has so many delivery services. There’s no reason for me to leave. And yes. I’m pissed that I ordered a
romance
and got a sick, Shakespearian twist that made it a tragedy.”

The new movie starts playing, promising to be a bit comical. Thank God it isn’t another tear-jerker.

“Tria, it has been a week.”

She underestimates how much I cared about Kode. They all do. I’m sure not even he understands it.

“Rain, if Dane and you split up right now, where would you be?”

Her brow puckers to mimic her frown. “Under the covers,” she groans.

“Well, I’m sitting on top of them, so I’m already doing better than you would be. Cut me some slack. I’m not done wallowing.”

It takes so much effort not to break down and bawl, but I manage to escape the tears. My trashcan is overflowing with tissues. I’m fairly sure my nose will be forever raw. And my poor stomach is hating me for all the junk I’ve crammed into it over the past week.

“Has he tried calling?”

Numerous times. And texting. But that’s not something I want to share. No one has to know he’s still chasing me. It’s better if they don’t, that way no one gets mad when he finally moves on. If they know he kept trying for me, then they’d think he was merely leading me on.

“Have you talked to him? He was your best friend for a lot longer than he was my boyfriend. I know what he did was shitty, but what you said… Rain, that was way too low.”

She looks down, and a tear slips free from her eye. “I know. I felt horrible about it when I woke up the next morning. I was on an emotional high, and I was way too drunk. I had told Dane I didn’t want to get married to a liar like my father, and then I called a cab. Dane was taking a minute to get himself together—probably trying not to lose his temper on me—and I left without saying anything.”

She takes a deep breath before exhaling it loudly. “Fucking Edward. I never should have read that letter. None of this would have happened. Kode had moved forward, Dane and I are together, and you were happy. I fucked it all up by going crazy.”

I pat her leg and offer her the bag of chips. She takes them, and puts the salt-and-vinegar flavored thing in her mouth, cringing when she realizes it wasn’t a plain chip. I’d laugh at her face under normal circumstances.

“I always did have a flair for the dramatic,” she adds, dusting her hands off. “Guess that’s why I started writing.”

“It’s not your fault that this happened, Rain. It’s just one big cluster fuck, and all four of us got weaved into the mess. Shit happens.”

I need her to go so I can cry some more. She’ll stay if I start crying right now.

“Are you going to forgive him?” I ask, hoping she says yes.

She gives me a weak smile. “If he’ll ever talk to me again after what I said, then I probably will. I’ve been calling, but he won’t answer. He told Maverick that he wasn’t making up with me until he made up with you. Says he’s never letting you think you come second again.”

My heart squeezes and aches in a violent, unforgiving rush of painful emotions. But now I feel so guilty for putting this on him.

“Then maybe you should go to him,” I say softly, moving my eyes back up to the movie and praying for escape.

“He never loved me, Tria. He never looked at me the way he does you. He has never held anyone so tightly in all his life as he held you at Edward’s funeral. Kode would move heaven and hell to be with you.”

She just never saw the way he looked at her, because she was too busy looking at Dane.

“He thinks you’re perfect,” I grumble. So what if I’m sulking. I’m in mourning. I’ve lost my father and the man I love in a two week span.

“Then he never really paid much attention to me. Dane knows I’m not perfect, which is what makes him love me more. Since Kode hated you for a while, I’m pretty sure he knows you’re not perfect, and he loves you anyway.”

I groan while leaning back and putting my arm over my eyes. “Rain, I love you for trying, but you don’t see things the way I do. Never had to. Please stop pushing this. It’s hard enough as it is.” I peek out to see her staring at me, and I add, “So you’re not mad at him anymore?”

I need her not to be mad at him. And she seemed pretty pissed a week ago. It’s hard to believe that fury has died down so soon.

“A lot can happen in a week.”

“Go to him. Talk to him. Let him apologize to you. He needs you as his friend. Don’t let one thing tear you guys apart.”

I see her studying me out of the corner of my eye, but I don’t acknowledge it.

“Don’t let the same thing tear you apart, Tria. Hollywood doesn’t control your happily-ever-after. You do.”

I wish it was that easy. I really do.

“Care to tell me what helped you get over everything so fast?”

Her smile forms instantly, and her eyes water as she pulls a picture out of her purse and hands it to me.

“This did.”

***

KODE

“Holy hell,” Maverick drawls as he uses the damn emergency key for the wrong reason, just like all my cousins have done this week—my brother, too.

He walks around, looking at the messy house I’ve let go, as he makes his way toward me. My couch and I have gotten overly friendly this past week. Whiskey has also become a close companion. I haven’t started drinking today… yet.

“I leave you alone for a few days, and you go from looking like Pretty Boy to looking like Mountain Man. When’s the last time you shaved?” he asks.

I rub the longer hairs on my face and shrug while turning my attention back to the TV.

“Dude, you look about as good as your house right now. You should come out with us tonight or something. This shit isn’t healthy.”

Well, fucking up the best thing that ever happened to me is unhealthier. I should have come clean from the beginning. I should have made sure she never had a reason to doubt me when I told her the truth. And I should have changed Rain’s motherfucking name in my phone. Why did I leave it that way?

Because I’m a procrastinating stupid jackass, that’s why.

“Mav, any good reason you’re here?” I ask, annoyed and on the verge of punching him just to shut him up.

“Yeah. I just told you. I want you going out with us tonight. We’ve given you a week.”

Rolling my eyes, I shift on the couch, turning over and away from him.

“Not long enough.”

He huffs, and I hear a chair shift, clueing me in that he just sat down.

“Have you talked to her at all?” he asks.

I fucking wish. “I’ve called. And texted. And called. I’ve sent her flowers. And called. I’ve emailed her. And called. I’ve tweeted her. I’ve even hit her up on Facebook. Nothing. She won’t speak to me.”

“Well, there’s an obvious way to see her. You know where she lives. Just show up.”

That fucking crazy dick ruined that option for me.

I turn back over to face him, barely able to hold myself together at this point.

“After everything Pete put her through, I can’t do that. I don’t want her ever putting me in the same category as that psycho.”

Maverick shakes his head, glancing through the sliding glass doors that lead out to my deck.

“Man, you and Pete are not in the same category.” His eyes come back to mine. “Tria loves you. She doesn’t want to give you up. It’s killing Rain, you know. She’s blaming herself for this.”

“She shouldn’t,” I grumble. “I fucked this all up on my own.”

“Actually,” a feminine voice says, causing us both to jump, “there’s a lot of people in on this fuck-up.”

Rain is moving toward us, her eyes as sad as her slow walk of defeat. I never even heard her come in. Maverick must have left the door unlocked.

Maverick tightens his lips while standing, and he goes to press a kiss to her forehead before waving to me.

“I’ll leave you two to talk.”

Rain walks closer as Maverick heads out, and she comes to sit down across from me, looking as crestfallen as me.

“Rain,” I say hoarsely, instantly choking on all the guilt I didn’t feel before Tria.

Sitting up, I meet her sad gaze, and shift uncomfortably.

“Sorry to just show up, but you wouldn’t take my calls. Tria and I talked. She wanted me to come.”

Hope fills me, and I sit up straighter, leaning forward with eager attention.

“She wanted you to come see me? Can I go to her?”

A tear falls from her eye, and she stands to come sit by me, her breath leaving in a sigh.

“I think you should go. She loves you, but she thinks you’re in love with me. She’s been overlooked for so long, that she refuses to believe someone finally wants her over me.”

I swallow the knot in my throat. She knew I saw her before I fucked up.

“That’s my fault. I handled everything wrong. Is she okay?”

Rain’s eyes drop to the unruly facial hair I’ve unintentionally grown over the past several days.

“She looks about as great as you—minus the bad beard.”

I try to smile, but it doesn’t work.

“Do you hate me?” I ask softly.

I don’t want to smooth things over with Rain before I fix this shit with Tria. But Tria sent her here.

“No. Kode, I’m sorry for what I said. That was the cruelest, most unfair thing in the world to put on your shoulders. It’s not your fault I went six years without confronting Dane. It’s sure as hell not your fault that I got uterine cancer and lost the ability to have children. I hate myself for saying that.”

I pat her knee, keeping my eyes low.

“But it was true that I’m the reason you two didn’t get together soon enough to have children.”

Her hand covers mine and squeezes it, a motion that used to mean something to me. Now it feels sisterly—the way it should.

“That’s bullshit. You know it. I know. Even Dane knows it. You started the snowball, but we let it turn into an avalanche. Even if we hadn’t, there’s a very good chance things would have eventually gone wrong back then.”

“Doubtful,” I scoff, knowing damn well how perfect they are for each other.