Lust (40 page)

I was lost in an effort to maintain my individuality and
myself; I disappeared to the point where I could not figure out
what I had been fighting or what I had feared. There is nothing
to fear when there is nothing to fight for.

I tucked myself into bed that night, terribly alone and distraught.

I had no desire to sleep, no strength to breathe, and
no will to go on another day. But I did have to go on and go
forward and find a new purpose to replace the additional voids
that took residence within my heart.

Two weeks had passed since I fell into Alexander’s arms, a
birthday gift so amazing that I couldn’t have even wished for
him.

Not having slept, I walked from Penn Station to my office
on Monday like a zombie. I got into the city by six. I dove into
my schedule and prepared for the week, trying to occupy my
mind. But the harder I tried, the more my mind wandered.

Everywhere I went had remnants of memories and moments
that I shared with Alexander. My bedroom had held his bare
body; my office smelled of his cologne and retained the moment
he had held me against my window, satisfying my every
whim. I would never get past this; I would never get past him.

The phone rang, and continuing my undeniable yearning
and hurt for what I had given up, the caller ID read: Mason, A.

CEO.

My heart pounded faster, and my throat felt dry and tight. I
had seconds before the call would end to figure out how I would
handle it, but I had no plan.

Queasy and uncertain, I spoke into the receiver, “Alexander?”

But I found emptiness.

“No. Sorry, it’s Marcus.” And the phone line went silent
again. The last little remnants of hope that I held onto vanished
along with my willingness to exist.

“Marcus, I apologize. The ID read…Anyway, what can I
do for you?” Inadvertently my eyes mourned my losses once
again. I would have given anything to have had Alexander on
the other end of the call, footsteps away from my office. But I
had given up the right to desire his presence and to hope for
his love.

“Do you have a moment to meet with me in my office? I
need to speak to you in private,” Marcus asked sternly. I didn’t
know Marcus well enough to read the tone of his voice, but the
statement in itself shook me. Something had happened; something
had gone wrong. Alexander!

I hung up the phone and jogged out of my office and down
the hall to Alexander’s—Marcus’s office. It was too early for any
of the assistants to be in, so seeing that Marcus’s door was open,
I let myself in, barely breathing, barely alive.

Panting and tearful, I let out, “Just tell me he is all right. Tell
me nothing has happened to him, please…” I fell onto the couch
in the office and held my head in my hands, hiding the shame for
what I had done and for regretting every single minute of it.

“Eva, calm down, please. Why are you crying? He’s…

Alexander is fine. He texted me when he landed. This isn’t
about him, I swear.” Marcus embraced me, knowing what had
happened and knowing the demons that Alexander and I both
fought within ourselves. “It’s all right. I know it’s hard and it’s
scary, but you will be all right with or without him.”

Hearing Marcus confirm the possibility of me living without
Alexander terrified me. My life without Alexander was
no longer a life; it was null, mundane, and easily forgettable.

“I don’t want to be all right without him.” I sunk my head
sunk into his chest, sobbing through my regrets. I barely knew
Marcus, but that was insignificant; he knew my pain, and he
was the closest connection I had to the only man who held my
eternal devotion.

“Eva, despite all the bad, I have some good news for you.

It’s your time; I am proud to extend to you the opportunity to
accept a promotion as vice president of PHI. It has been a long
time coming according to Pat and very much deserved.”

I believe Marcus waited for a smile, a giggle, or some sort of
elated reaction to come through me, but I was lacking anything
normally equated with happiness.

I should have been on my highest cloud, but the skies
and stars were so far above me. I didn’t deserve the majesty of
dreams; I had forsaken my dreams and lacked the courage to
fight my fears.

“When was this decided?” I asked, feeling like Alexander
had something to do with it.

Marcus was unsure of where my question was leading, so
he tread lightly, formulating his response carefully. “Pat made
the decision initially, Alexander agreed with the idea, and I
wouldn’t have it any other way. Eva, this promotion has nothing
to do with…You earned this. Don’t belittle it or yourself.”

I stood firmly, professionally, and extended my hand.

“Thank you, Marcus. I am proud to work for you and won’t let
you down.” The position was something I had once strived for;
it was a moment I had dreamed of.

Marcus knew that my excitement was nonexistent, but he
let me slide, taking my hand.

“As do I, Eva. And I know you will do nothing but make
this company proud, as you always have. Let’s meet tomorrow,
and we’ll go over a plan for the upcoming proposals and going
forward.”

I nodded and headed toward the door, swirling in the bubble
that existed in my head, trying to figure out how I had
managed to sacrifice so much while striving to sacrifice little.

Alexander was so angry at me the last time we spoke; I
couldn’t recall a moment in our short time together when he
had ever looked at me with such anger and sadness in his eyes
as he did that morning. I said such horrible things to him.

I hadn’t intentionally caused him pain, but it was because of
him and the emotions I felt for him that I was losing myself,
losing the time to care for the things around me: my friends,
work—all the things that made me me. That was what I feared
the most: losing track of the world around me because of the
lust and love that existed within me.

There wouldn’t be much to argue about if I were asked to explain
the demise of this seemingly perfect love. Fear drove me—
to drive him away. It is as simple as that. For some reason, I could
not get myself to indulge in the possibility that I, or women in
general, could make the choice to have it all. The amusement and
sadness in all of this is that Alexander matched me perfectly; he
was as spontaneous and refreshingly hardheaded, sarcastic, and
as sexually daring as I am. Nothing fazed him, or at least that is
what he let on. He never feared trying something new, sexually
that is. And though he had suffered horrible losses in his youth,
he willingly and unconditionally allowed himself to love me. I
admired him for what he offered me, but in doing so, I hated
him for forcing me to realize my weaknesses: I feared change.

I juggled my life so well that I knew any change would cause
me to lose control of everything. Instead that weakness and fear
caused me to lose the one thing that is the rarest to find in life.

One of the only things that rang true in all of this is that in
a moment of anger there is a lifetime of regret. My regret would
surely last a lifetime, for I feared that there would never be a
man who would ever give my heart or my body what Alexander
gave me. The thoughts of how and where I went wrong were
causing my stomach to churn; it was all I thought of: Alexander
and how he filled me with so much pleasure and so much satisfaction.

I couldn’t blame him for being angry; the flashbacks
of our time together replayed throughout me as I went through
the motions of my hollow days.

Be careful what you ask for, I have been told. I got what I
wanted—or at least what I thought I wanted—and not what I
truly needed.

But, ignorance is bliss, and having never loved before, I had
no knowledge of what I was missing. Now the bliss was gone
and the void was grand.

Exiting Marcus’s office, I knew I had no options left, no
choice but to move on. “Please tell him that I am sorry. I never
intended to hurt him, I…I…” I lowered my head, pleading
with my heart to stop the tears from revealing my torment yet
again.

“I know you do, Eva. I know you love him. Have faith. He
will let it go; he will forgive you.”

Marcus’s hopes for me were a reverie that I couldn’t afford
to hold onto, or I would die from a broken heart—one that I
myself smashed to pieces.

“How, Marcus? How can I have faith? He won’t forgive me.

He can’t forgive me.”

The truth spilled itself from deep within me and held
Marcus at a loss. “Why do you say that, Eva?”

“He couldn’t possibly forgive me.” Breathing deep, I carried
my culpability like a cross. “I can hardly forgive myself.”

‡

Allow yourself to be dominated as you follow
Eva & Alexander’s
continued exhilaration for each other
in their next personal and sexual evolution in the Three Stages
Trilogy,

Three Stages of Love: Attraction
Coming soon!