Lyttelton's Britain (5 page)

Probably the most famous Soho thoroughfare is Carnaby Street. Once known as the centre of ‘Swinging London’ that title fell into disuse with the abolition of capital punishment.

C
OVENT
G
ARDEN
was designed by Inigo Jones after the style of the architecture of Venice. When the refurbished Covent Garden piazza was reopened in 1980, an international football match was screened there in celebration, with the Venetian team winning a thrilling game after extra time. As an enthusiastic commentator noted at the time, there was dancing in the streets of Venice that night.

In Victorian times, Covent Garden became the haunt of ne’re-do-wells and prostitutes. Prime Minister Gladstone took to patrolling the area by night and taking fallen women back to his home to teach them the evils of sin, and sure enough, within a few weeks, he’d learnt the joys of it.

On the east side of Covent Garden is Bow Street, home of the famous Bow Street Runners, which from 1749 to 1829 won every year’s ‘Best String Bean Display’.

With increasing traffic congestion, in 1974 the old Covent Garden fruit and vegetable market closed, and its greengrocers moved to Nine Elms. They actually wanted to move to Eight Elms, but it was a bit over.

In addition to its many shops and bars, Covent Garden is also home to the London Transport Museum, where visitors can enjoy a static display of vintage underground carriages. Alternatively, they can save a few quid by taking a trip on the Northern Line.

At the beginning of World War II, Covent Garden had become the home of many immigrants from central Europe. It is recorded that a young German woman named Helga Schmidt, suspected of being a spy, was hidden in a Covent Garden loft by a local shopkeeper. Completely penniless, Fraulein Schmidt offered him sexual favours in return for food and protection. What a relief it was for Fraulein Schmidt when she learnt the war was over, in 1978.

A keen listener joins the queue for a recording of
Gardeners’ Question Time

Long Acre is also home to the headquarters of the National Association of Second-hand Car Dealers, who claim a membership of 25,000, although the true figure is probably more than twice that.

On the south-west corner of Covent Garden is Trafalgar Square, where every December is erected a huge Christmas tree sent by the people of Norway. They also send funds to provide workmen to spend the other eleven months picking needles out of the pigeons.

Just north of Trafalgar Square is the National Portrait Gallery, which has in recent years courted controversy with several avant garde works, including a less than flattering portrait of Richard Branson. The Virgin boss has huge, yellow teeth, great puffy red lips, and leers menacingly through green eyes under hideous bushy brows, and the picture tries to convey this.

Trafalgar Square Christmas tree with decorations by the Dutch artist Piet Mondrian

Along the nearby Strand is Coutts Bank, who have for
generations handled the finances of the Royal Family. As a young girl of seven, Queen Elizabeth was visited by the manager of Coutts to discuss a small loan. And after chatting with him, she duly agreed to let them have one.

Nestling between the districts of Covent Garden and Soho can be found the London Coliseum on St Martin’s Lane, home of the English National Opera. In the Edwardian era the Coliseum ran horse races on the theatre’s famous revolving stage, which operated like a running machine. One evening however, it malfunctioned and suddenly stopped. This explains why the pub next door has four horses’ heads on the wall, and above them, the heads of four very surprised little jockeys.

In August 1914, the future Queen Mother was brought to the Coliseum by her parents to celebrate her fourteenth birthday. In the afternoon they took in a matinée, and on the way home war was declared on Germany. She said she’d have been just as happy with a pony.

L
ONDON’S
S
OUTH
B
ANK
owes much to the Millennium celebrations, which really helped the area to develop as a tourist attraction. Today thousands come to the South Bank and pay a few pounds to enjoy an uninterrupted 45-minute viewing of London and the Thames, as they wait for their Network South-East train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can’t see the other half because some fool has put a seven-hundred foot bicycle-wheel in the way.

Just along the Thames embankment is found County Hall. Once the home of the Greater London Council, the building is now a hotel of international repute, providing foreign businessmen somewhere to stay in luxury, while on visits to Britain closing down car factories.

The area has benefited from the 3.5 billion pound Jubilee Line extension to the Millennium Dome. Possibly the only stretch of London underground where each passenger is guaranteed an empty coach.

The South Bank is perhaps most famously known as the home of the National Theatre. A national theatre for Britain was originally proposed by the publisher Effingham Wilson in 1848. The project was completed in record time for a public building, and
was in use as early as 1976. During much of his dealings with the builders, Effingham Wilson was in fact Effingham Daily.

The National Theatre is of controversial post-modern design, once described by Prince Charles as a ‘monstrous carbuncle on the face of a much-loved friend’, until an aide pointed out that he was actually looking at the National Gallery.

The National actually comprises three stage venues: The Olivier, which is named after Sir Laurence Olivier, the Cottesloe, which isn’t named after Sir Laurence Olivier, and the Lyttelton, named after a relative of mine, Oliver Lyttelton, 1st Viscount Chandos, and the theatre’s first chairman. Oliver, or, as I knew him, ‘Uncle Viscount Chandos’, joined the government in 1940 when a House of Commons seat was found for him at Aldershot. Which explains why he had to shout during Prime Minister’s Questions. In his capacity as Head of Non-Ferrous Metals, Oliver organised the war-effort campaign to collect pots, pans and kettles for the RAF. But Bomber Command found that dropping high explosives was more effective.

Since Oliver’s time as chairman, the National has seen many varied productions, from Beckett’s
Happy Days
, famously featuring Dame Peggy Ashcroft in the lead role of ‘the Fonz’, through to Michael Bogdanov’s controversial 1980 staging of
The Romans in Britain
. The graphic scenes of Roman soldiers ravishing young British men prompted Mary Whitehouse to bring a private prosecution for obscenity. The result of her detailed evidence of the physical act was the banning from the London stage of any scene depicting explicit leapfrog.

A
SETTLEMENT
in Islington was first mentioned in Anglo-Saxon times as Gislandune, or ‘Hill of Gisla’. No one now knows who Gisla was and in modern times the name is only ever used by the drug-crazed sadist who sets the Daily Telegraph Cryptic Crossword. The hill is recorded as being close to the site where Boadicea (originally pronounced ‘Boodikka’ before later being pronounced dead) fought the Romans at Islington Spa, before taking on the Iceni at Camden Sainsburys.

Fleeing from London in 1372, Edward II was captured close by Islington in what was then Middlesex forest. The hapless monarch later suffered a painful death at the hands of a torturer wielding a red hot poker after uttering those famous last words: ‘You know where you can stick that for a start’.

Later still, Sir Walter Raleigh settled briefly in Islington. The man who had successfully introduced the nation to potatoes and tobacco set about opening his famous bicycle factory in Upper Street. It soon became fashionable at court to be seen riding either the Raleigh Tourer or the Raleigh BMX and it is widely rumoured that Queen Elizabeth I herself spent many happy afternoons astride the sturdy Raleigh Chopper.

Today, Islington is the haunt of artists and writers, a trend started by Daniel Defoe. Working on early drafts of
Robinson
Crusoe
he found himself wanting for a character name. Glancing round his study, Defoe’s eye fell upon the calendar and a particular day inspired him to name Crusoe’s native sidekick: ‘Man Pancake’.

Islington has been the home of many famous celebrities, including Tony Blair before he moved to Downing Street. It was at a restaurant in Upper Street that he and Gordon Brown met to debate which of them would become Prime Minister first. Brown lost, and had to accept the job of Chancellor. And then, after tossing the penny again to go double or quits, had to pay for lunch as well. However, he refused to pay the 15 per cent service charge, on the grounds it had to be earned from modernisation of restrictive practices.