Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (11 page)

‘I saw ye from the winda. I was helpin me mammy polish the oil cloth on the floor wit me ma's lavender polish. I was waitin fer the tin te be emptied so I could get it an play piggybeds on the street.'

‘Ye're a liar! Youse don't have oil cloth on yer floor.'

‘Children!' said the sister. ‘No fighting! Our Lady's watching.' Then the two women arrived from the kitchen carryin trays wit sambidges an biscuits, an another woman came in wit a big kettle an white tea cups wit matchin saucers. The woman poured out the tea, an it had milk an sugar already poured inta it. I was handed a plate wit sambidges, an I helped meself te a ham sambidge. The plate was put in front of me, an I supped the tea an took a bite of the sambidge. It was good butter, an the ham was gorgeous. I kept me eye on the plate of sambidges, an I tried not te guzzle down what I was eatin. But as I reached out te take another one, hands came from nowhere an cleaned out the plate. I looked an saw the young one beside me. She had a sambidge in each hand, an she'd put two more under her, an she was sittin on them. I swallied me spit an decided te ask her fer one.

‘No! They're mine.'

‘But I only got one,' I said.

‘Well, ye won't be so dopey next time, will ye?' she said.

I lost me rag an said, ‘Aw, fuck off! Stick them up yer arse! I hope they poison ye!'

An yer woman roared up at the woman, ‘Sister! Sister! Tha new young one is after tellin me te fuck off, so she is!'

‘Mary Cissy! That's not nice language in front of the Statue of Our Lady.'

‘She did, Miss, Sister! We heard her, too. She told her te fuck off,' they all roared.

‘Yeah, an she told me te fuck off as well!' another young one said.

‘That's enough now,' the woman said, slappin her hand on the table.

Yer one beside me slid off down the bench, takin her copybook an chewed pencil. ‘I'm not sittin beside ye, ye fuckin eejit!'

‘An fuck you, too!' I said back. An then we all said prayers, an the women brought me back.

I started school again this mornin, round in Gardiner Street. It's down a lane, an it's run by the nuns. The classroom is very big. We have first an second class in the room. I'm sittin at the back, an the nun walks up an down between the rows of desks an talks an checks te see wha the childre are doin. She writes things on a blackboard. But I don't know wha's goin on, so I just sit there lookin aroun me, an I'm dazed. All the other childre are busy doin somethin, but I do nothin. At lunch time, the sister calls me over an says me mammy is waitin fer me in the lane. When I get there, me ma hands me a billy can an says I'm te go inta the dinner house an get a can of stew. The sister will give it te me, cos me ma already spoke te her.

I collect the stew from the women servin behind the counter, an I don't have te pay the penny. I don't have te queue long behind the other poor people, cos the nun comes in an takes the can offa me an gives it te the woman te fill. An then I run home wit it an then rush back te school. The bell is ringin just as I arrive, an I find me line an go back inta class.

I'm feelin tired now, an me head is beginnin te ache. The watery sun is comin in the winda an shows all the dust floatin aroun the room. It feels hot an stuffy, an I can't make out wha people are sayin. It's just a buzzin noise in me head, an I give up tryin te understand what I'm supposed te be doin an put me head down in me hands an fall asleep on the desk.

Today, they sent a big young one te come over an sit beside me. She has a blackboard an chalk. ‘Now,' she says, an starts te write. ‘One plus one equals?' an looks at me an waits. I don't know wha she's talkin about, so I just look. ‘Equals two,' she says. ‘Now again,' but I still don't know, an after a while she gets fed up an says, ‘Do ye not know any sums?'

‘No!' I say.

‘OK,' she says. ‘Do ye know the alphabet?'

‘Wha's tha?' I ask.

‘Jaysus, ye don't know anythin, then! Can ye count yer money?' she asks. ‘Wha do ye do when yer mammy sends ye te the shop?'

‘I get the messages,' I said, hopin she'd think I was grand, but she didn't.

‘Ah, ye're too stupid,' she said. An then she ignored me an started te draw.

‘Wha's that?' I asked.

‘It's a cat.'

‘No, it's not! A cat doesn't look like tha,' I said. ‘You can't draw, ye're pure stupid,' an she gave me a slap of the blackboard.

The nun came runnin down an waved her stick at her. ‘I'm shocked!' the nun said. ‘I thought you were a responsible girl. That's why I put you in charge of Martha. You were supposed to help her, not hit her!'

‘But I was helpin her, Sister, an cos she doesn't know anythin she started te call me names!'

‘I didn't, Sister,' I said. ‘She said I was pure stupid!'

‘No, I didn't, you said tha,' the young one said, an then she started te cry.

The whole class turned on me then an said I was terrible. So the nun turned te the class an put her fingers up te her mouth an said, ‘The next one who speaks will be kept back after school.' Then she told the blackboard one te go out te the tilet an blow her nose. An she looked at me an smiled, an put her hand on me head an said in a whisper, ‘Be a good little girl for Sister, won't you, Martha?'

An I said in a whisper, ‘Yes, Sister, I'll be very good fer ye.' An I sat there fer the rest of the day lookin up at her an wishin she was me mammy!

This mornin, when we were gettin ready te go out te our break, everyone was shoutin. So Sister said we were te be very quiet. We all stood up an someone gave their seat an unmerciful bang. Sister asked, ‘Who did that?' An nobody answered. So she said we were goin te wait until the person responsible owned up on their honour. But nobody owned up on their honour. So we waited. The young one in the next row beside me is always annoyin me. She has a Cleopatra hairstyle an she always stares over at me until I look at her, then she makes a face at me an flicks her hair wit her hand an turns away. I can't flick me hair back at her, cos it's too short an stands up like straw. Me hair is still growin back from when I had the sores an me ma had te cut it. ‘I'm tellin it was you,' she whispers.

‘No, it wasn't!' I said.

An I'm tryin te think wha name te call her when Sister asks me gently, ‘Was it you, Martha?'

‘No, Sister!' I said.

An then a young one owned up an suddenly said, ‘It was me, Sister, an I'm sorry, Sister, an I'm on me honour, Sister.' An we all went out te the playground. It was freezin cold in the yard, an I didn't run aroun. I was too cold an stood in a corner outa the wind. I didn't bother te play wit the other childre, cos they wouldn't play wit me anyway. The nun appeared an told us te gather up in two lines. Cleopatra was tormentin me in the other line. She kept flickin her hair an sayin she was goin te tell on me. I was ragin an tryin te think how I'd get me own back when suddenly Sister called me outa the line. As I passed Cleopatra, she cackled at me. ‘Now, I told ye I was goin te get ye inta trouble. Ye're fer it!'

Sister brought me inta a little room off the school yard an it had shelves of clothes. She put me sittin up on the table an took off me rags an put a lovely warm frock on me an a snowy-white soft cardigan wit pearl buttons, an a pair of white knee socks an a pair of red sandals. Then she combed me hair an lifted me down an stood back te admire me. Then she rushed over te the sink an dipped a corner of the towel under the tap an wiped me face an damped me hair down. I walked out the door wit springs on me feet, an I was lovely an warm. The childre were still lined up an were very quiet when we appeared. An they all looked me up an down. I bounced past Cleopatra, an her jaw was hangin down te her belly. Then she tightened her mouth an squinted her eyes at me. I threw back me head an flicked me hair, an patted me new cardigan an marched past her.

When I got home, Charlie was sittin outside in a big pram wit springs an a hood. It was lovely. I ran up te the room an asked, ‘Can I take him fer a walk?'

‘No!' me ma said. ‘Have yer tea an bread an go out an watch the pram.'

I was outside sittin on the steps an fed up lookin at the pram. The babby was asleep. I wouldn't have been able te get the pram down the steps, cos it was too heavy, so I couldn't push the pram off an take him fer a walk. A young one from school was passin an asked me te go wit her fer a message down te Summerhill. I said, ‘No, I can't. I have te mind the babby.' But she wouldn't believe me an kept on askin. I was dyin te go, so I said, ‘Yeah, OK.'

We were on our way back up Summerhill when suddenly I got an awful blow tha sent me flyin out onta the road an nearly under a car. I didn't know wha hit me until Jackser picked me up by me neck an kicked me back onta the footpath. I didn't get time te get me wind back before he had me offa the ground again an was shakin me. ‘I told ye! I told ye!' he said as he boxed me. ‘Not te leave the child alone. Ye were told te mind the pram.' I was convulsin up an down, me whole body was shakin, an great sobs were comin outa me. Loads a people were aroun, but nobody bothered te interfere. He kicked me again, sendin me flyin te the ground, an roared, ‘Get up! Get movin, cos I'm goin te kick ye all the way back te tha pram.'

Jackser took me off on his bike te collect the bread from the convents. I sat up on the crossbar an held on te the handlebars. Jackser was gettin ready te jump onta the bike, but first he had te do his habits. ‘Now! Well ...' an then he started te suck air up inta his nose very fast an at the same time stretch an shake his right arm inta the air while bendin his head te the ground. He can't help it, he does tha after he gets an idea or before he does somethin interestin. He bursts the arse offa all his trousers doin that, an he always has te sew his coat under the arms. But this time he was tryin te hold the bike wit me on it an do his habits at the same time. The bike started te see-saw out onta the road, till me feet were touchin the ground, an then back te Jackser, faster an faster. I started te squeal an went, ‘Ah, Mammy, help!'

Jackser stopped suddenly an said, ‘What! Wha the fuck is tha about?' I jumped offa the bike at the same time as he went back te his snortin an salutin an bendin, an he lost his balance, toppled over the bike an rolled onta the road. He lay there lookin very white, an he said, ‘I'm done fer! Run in an get Sally. Tell her te get the ambulance. I'm damaged!' I kept lookin at him, not knowin wha te do, an a man came along on a bicycle an picked him up an said, ‘There now, you'll be all right. Ye just gorra fright.'

Jackser held onta the railins, an I went up te tell me ma. ‘Ma! Ma!' I said, ‘Jackser fell off his bike an ye're te come down.'

‘Is he hurt?' she asked.

‘No, Ma, he's just shocked. But he thinks he's near te death.'

Me ma laughed an said, ‘It's a pity he's not!'

‘Yeah, Ma, it serves him right.'

Then I heard him comin up the stairs, an he was moanin, ‘Sally! Sally! Are ye there, Sally?'

The man was helpin him up an sayin, ‘Ye need a strong sup a tea, very sweet, wit lots a sugar fer the shock. Don't underestimate shock, it can kill ye!'

I started te laugh, an me ma was pinchin me te stop, but she was laughin, too. An I started laughin harder, an I was afraid, cos I knew he'd kill me. But I laughed even more. An when his head appeared aroun the banisters wit the man helpin him, he was annoyed cos we hadn't rushed down. Tears were comin down me ma's face, an Jackser said, ‘Are ye's fuckin laughin?'

‘No, Jackser!' I shouted. ‘We were cryin! An we were afraid te come down in case ye were dead.' Me ma snorted an ran back inta the room, an I ran after her.

Jackser looked very suspicious, but he sat at the fire, suppin his tea an smokin his Woodbine, an talkin te me ma about death. ‘Ye never know the hour or the day,' he kept sayin. ‘I've an awful fear about dyin, I have, Sally. Jaysus, I have te take care of meself!'

Me ma sat the other side of the fire. Her eyes were closin an she was dozin off. She just kept murmurin, ‘Hm, Hm,' te keep him quiet. I lay on the bed wit Charlie's head in me lap, an I was strokin his long curls. His eyes were open, but he was relaxin an enjoyin the peace. Just listenin te Jackser talkin quietly.

The next day we took off fer the convents. Jackser had a lump on the back of his head, an he kept gettin me te feel it. ‘Is it big? Can ye feel it?' he kept askin me.

‘Yeah, it's huge, Jackser!' I kept sayin.

‘I coulda been kilt, ya know! Tha was a close call.'

‘Yeah, ye coulda been kilt,' I kept sayin. An was very disappointed he wasn't. I was thinkin, me ma was right, the bad live longer.

We got goin without any fuss this time. Jackser pedalled us up te Drumcondra, an as we flew past the Bishop's Palace, he said, ‘There's no point in goin in there. Them rich bastards would give ye nothin.'

‘But he's a bishop, Jackser! He's a very holy man,' I said. ‘He's supposed te give te the poor!'

‘Wha have they ever given you?' he said. ‘It took someone like me te take youse in an give ye's a home! Listen te me an ye won't go wrong. I'll teach ye everythin there is te know about life.'

We pedalled up the back entrance te the convent. We came along a dark road surrounded by a high wall, wit trees on our right an green fields on the other side, wit vegebales growin in some parts an cows grazin in others. There was a little lodge house fer the farmer an his family. I could see the childre from the convent playin in the fields. They were wearin pinnies over their frocks, an I wondered if they'd like te swap places wit me. We cycled past the childre's buildin an came aroun te the women's part. Here the women worked in the laundry an never saw the light of day. We saw a coupla them comin outa the big buildin an goin inta the yard. They were carryin buckets an wore wellingtons, an berets on their heads. Their hair was cut very short an was stone grey. They stopped te stare at us.