Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (12 page)

‘Yer mammy nearly ended up as one of them,' Jackser said. ‘An you'd a been put away like them childre round the corner. Ye should remember how lucky ye are!' he said te me. I felt me heart begin te ache an wondered why God doesn't listen te me. If me ma was in here an I was wit the childre, then Jackser couldn't get his hands on us. Then I looked at the women fer a long time, an I pitied them. They were locked up, an I wondered why we went on livin. I was feelin old, even though six is not supposed te be old.

When we got aroun te the front of the convent, we walked down te the grotto, where there was a statue of St Bernadette prayin te Our Lady. Jackser took off his cap an held it between his hands. ‘Get down on yer knees an say a prayer,' he said te me. ‘Let the nuns see ye prayin. They might even give us a drop a soup if ye impress them. Ye never know,' he said, ‘we could strike lucky an even get a bit a dinner.'

I was prayin hard wit me eyes closed, hopin we'd get a bit a dinner an Jackser would stay in good form, when suddenly he shouted, ‘Fuck me! Wha's tha?' an a tramp came outa the bushes behind us an crept up te Jackser.

‘Have ye got an aul smoke?' he said te Jackser. An the man was weighed down wit coats an trousers an jumpers, an he was wearin three hats. An he was holdin everythin together wit a rope tied aroun his waist.

‘No, I just smoked me last butt,' Jackser said, an we went up an rang the bell.

A woman came out wearin a blue smock like they usually wear in shops. She had men's laced shoes, an her hair was very short an grey. She had hairy legs an no stockins, an a beard on her chin. She looked at us an said nothin, then went back in an closed the door. We waited. ‘That's “Hairy”,' Jackser said. ‘She's been here fer years, an the nuns trust her. Can ye see why? Wha man would have her?' Jackser walked over te the grass an sat down wit his back restin against a statue of the Sacred Heart. ‘Ah, it's lovely here. Can ye smell the fresh air?' I looked aroun at all the green grass an the daisies growin in it. An all the lovely flowers an the big trees. ‘There isn't a sound te be heard,' Jackser said. ‘I grew up in a place like this. I was only seven an me brother was eight when they took us away from me poor mother. She's dead now, God rest her, an it's all my fault. I kilt her. I broke her heart. It was the drink, ye see! The aul drink ruined me. I could've made somethin of meself, but I threw it all away. I'm married ye know!'

I said nothin, I just listened. ‘Oh, yeah! I married a dealer from Moore Street. She was a fine-lookin woman, blonde, she was. But it didn't last. Three weeks is all she stayed, then she left me.'

‘Why'd she leave ye, Jackser?' I asked.

‘Ah, we had a bit of a row. I was drunk, she was givin me too much lip, an I gave her a smack. But she was stone fuckin mad! I woke up tied te the fuckin bed, an she was on top of me chest wit a big fuckin bread knife held te me throat. “Ye're not touchin me again. Cos I'm not stayin. If I ever see ye again, I won't hesitate te cut yer throat. Do ye get that?” she says, then she was gone out the door, leavin me in tha state. I was one lucky man. Well rid a her, I can tell ya! I'm still not the better of it. Ye'd never believe it, but there's mad bastards out there, Martha, I'm tellin ye!'

‘I know, Jackser.' An I thought te meself, I'm never goin te be like me ma. I thought the dealer in Moore Street was great, I'd love te meet her.

The door opened an Jackser rushed over, whippin his cap offa his head, but he put it back on when he saw it was only Hairy. She handed him two stale loaves, an he asked her fer a drop a tea. ‘The kitchen's closed,' she said.

‘Well, I'll have te see the nun,' he said. ‘This child is fallin from the hunger. So will ye go an send her out.'

‘She's in the chapel getting her prayers, and she won't be out for a while.'

‘We'll wait,' Jackser said gruffly, an Hairy slammed the door.

‘Dried up aul fucker!' Jackser said te the door. ‘I hate the Church. Them fuckers are the ruination of this country. Them bastards destroyed me an poor Eddie in Artane. I was out sowin potatoes when I was only your age. Workin in all weather. Me boots were too small fer me feet, an they crippled me. Them Christian Brothers were very vicious. They'd wait until yer back was turned, then they'd suddenly run at ye an punch the head off ye. But I learnt tailorin. Yeah, I'm a tailor, they gave me good trainin. They always made sure everyone left wit a trade. I coulda made somethin of meself. But I sold the key of me mother's house. The day we buried her, when me brothers an sisters came home tha night, they'd no home te go te. I drank the money in the pub. They had te get the money saved an take the boat te England. They never set foot in this country again, an they never forgave me fer it. An I don't deserve it. I put me mother in her grave. I tormented her wit the drink, ye see. I was mad fer the drink. I try now te keep away from it, but it's very hard when it gets a grip on ye.'

Jackser went up an rang the bell, an the nun came out. Jackser blessed himself te the nun an bowed his head an said things are hard fer him at the moment. If she could see her way te maybe givin him a bit a food te take home te the childre, he'd get us all te pray fer her. She said she'd see wha she could do, an she went in an closed the door. ‘Say a prayer she'll give us somethin,' Jackser said. ‘Otherwise, we'll have te move fast. It's gettin late, an I want te do a few more before we mosey home.'

By the time we arrived back in Rutland Street, it was nine o'clock at night. Jackser had te peel me hands off the bars of the bike, an I couldn't straighten up. I was frozen solid. We had two pillacases of food, though, an Jackser had more wrapped up in his jumper. Me ma had the fire goin an the lamp lit on the table when we arrived in. She turned up the wick te give us more light, an I could smell the paraffin. Charlie was rockin up an down in the bed wit excitement when he saw me comin in. An me ma's eyes lit up when she saw the bags of food. ‘The kettle is boiled,' she said, laughin an followin Jackser's hands takin out the tinfoil filled wit roast meat. We had lumps a beef drippin fer the bread an fer fryin, strings a sausages an lumps a cooked bacon, loads a bread, an loose tea, an bags a sugar. An we didn't break the eggs wrapped up in Jackser's socks. He robbed them from the hen house at the back of the home fer the blind off Drumcondra.

I was out on the street playin, but there was no one aroun te play wit. I was standin there, leanin against the railins, mindin me own business when a young fella came along an gave me a shove. Then he started laughin at me an callin me names. ‘Eh! Skinny, smelly, ye can't catch me!' I was ragin, an I looked at him. He was bigger than me. Then he started throwin stones at me. I could feel me heart poundin, but I waited. I'm not lettin him get away wit tha.

As soon as his back was turned an he bent down te pick up somethin from the ground, I charged. I grabbed him by the jumper an knocked him down. He rolled over an started te lash out wit his legs, still callin me smelly. But I dropped me knees on his stomach an grabbed his hair. Then I stood up, still holdin tight te his hair. ‘Do ye give up?' I shouted.

‘No! I'm goin te get ye fer this,' he roared, so I pulled his hair tighter te the ground, an he couldn't get a hold a me. ‘Ah, let go!' he shouted.

‘Do ye give in?'

‘Let go! Lemme go! Ma! Ma! Mammy! I give in, I give in!'

Then a man came along, an I let go. The young fella ran off. I was lookin at the man te see if he would roar at me fer fightin, but he just laughed. He was all dressed up, an he must be back from England, I thought. He called me over, an he was still laughin, but I hesimitated, ye never know ... Then he put his hand in his pocket, an I shot across the road. He handed me two shillins, an he said, ‘Ye're a little topper, tha young fella won't be back fer more.' An he looked down at me. ‘Jaysus, them eyes a yours are spittin!' An he bent down te me. ‘Listen, you remind me of meself when I was your age. Only fight when ye have to. There's other ways of beatin them.'

‘How, Mister?' I asked.

‘Work hard an get away from them. Be yer own man. Don't look down on anyone, but don't look up te anyone either.'

‘Where do ye live, Mister?' I asked him.

‘I'm livin in England, an I have me own buildin business now. I never looked back.'

‘Do ye have childre?'

‘No! I'm not married,' then he laughed an said I'd be grand. ‘I'd better hurry,' he said. ‘I'm meetin me brothers. Go on down an get a few sweets, an don't spend the money all at once.' Then he was gone. I watched him go, hurryin down Summer Street, an I wanted te run after him an ask him will he take me back te England wit him. But I knew I'd have te take me mammy an me little brother. An somehow I knew me mammy wouldn't suit him. She's too quiet fer someone like him. Or maybe he wouldn't like her hairy legs. I felt I'd lost somethin, an I turned aroun an started te walk home. I was lookin at the shiny two shillins, an I started te run. I'll bring this up te me ma an watch her face break inta a laugh. Me world is grand an everythin is lovely when I see me ma laugh, cos it means everythin is OK.

I ran up the stairs an rattled the doorknob an banged the door. ‘Ma! Ma!' I shouted. ‘Open the door.'

Jackser shouted, ‘Wha do ye want? Get out an play.'

‘I have money, I got money, Jackser! I have two shillins!'

I heard Jackser laugh, an then me ma laughed an said, ‘Jaysus, I wonder where she got tha!' Then I heard the bedsprings creak, an Jackser got up an opened the door. He was holdin his hand over the front of his shirt, an his legs was bare. I dashed inta the room an flew over te me ma in the bed. An I handed her the money.

Jackser was strugglin wit the leg of his trousers, an he started snufflin. His arm shot up in the air a few times, an his head went down te the ground, an he lost his trousers, exposin his hairy arse. ‘Oh, fuck me,' he said, an pulled them up an started snufflin again. When he was finished, he said, ‘Sally! Send the young one down an get me five Woodbines. I'm dyin fer a smoke!'

‘Right,' she said. ‘An get me a bottle of milk. An make sure ye bring back the right change.'

‘OK, Ma. An can I have a penny fer meself?'

‘Yeah, go on, then.'

On me way out the door, I knocked on me friend te ask her if she wanted any messages doin. ‘Come on in, Martha, she said. ‘How are ye?'

‘Do ye want anythin at the shop, Maizie?' I asked.

‘Ah, no. Paddy's bringin me back fish an chips on his way back from the pub later. How's yer mammy?'

‘She's grand, Maizie.'

‘An how's the babby? I haven't seen him out recently. The pram's gone outa the hall. I suppose tha Jackser fella pawned it, did he?'

I said nothin, an I went over te play wit Chrissie. She's gorgeous. She's nearly three, an she has fat cheeks an her mammy dresses her lovely. She always has standy-out frilly frocks an lovely big bows in her hair. Her mammy makes ringlets when she washes her hair, an they curl down her back. She showed me her new doll her granny Kelly bought her. I wanted te sit down on the floor in front of the fire an help Chrissie te dress the doll, but Jackser will kill me. I have te go an get his Woodbines.

‘Listen, Martha. Do ye want te come te the zoo wit us on Sunday? Go an ask yer mammy.'

Me heart leapt. ‘Is tha where they have all the animals from the jungle, Maizie?'

‘Yeah,' she laughed. ‘Let me know wha she says, OK, Martha?'

‘Yeah, OK, Maizie.' I shot out the door an down the street an galloped as fast as I could. The aul one behind the counter wasn't in a hurry te serve me. She was leanin on her elbows wit her face in her hands, close te the other aul one who was stretched out on the counter wit her big milkers spread over her arms. An they were whisperin te each other. The shopkeeper threw her head back an roared, ‘Tha's a terrible carry on!'

An the customer said, ‘I'm not tellin ye a word of a lie! As true as I'm standin here. Stark naked, he was!'

‘No!' the shopkeeper said, an her eyes was bulgin. ‘Go on, tell us more!' An they pressed their heads together.

‘Mrs,' I said. ‘I'm te get five Woodbines an a bottle of milk.'

‘Hold yer horses!' the shopkeeper roared at me. ‘Bloody kids.' An she shook herself te get more comfortable an said, ‘Go on, Nelly, keep goin. I'm listenin!'

But the customer looked down at me, an her jaw was hangin. ‘Tha young one is listenin te everythin.'

‘I want me messages, Mrs,' I said. ‘Me ma is waitin.'

‘Ah, serve her then an get rid of her. We've no comfort wit big ears here.'

When I got me Woodbines an milk, I checked me change. ‘It's all there!' the shopkeeper roared. ‘Nobody's robbin ye!' An the two of them watched me.

‘Thanks, Mrs,' I said, an ran like the wind.

When I got back, they were waitin fer me. ‘Wha kept ye?' Jackser roared.

‘The shop was crowded, Jackser,' I said, an handed him his Woodbines. He snatched them an whipped open the packet an started snufflin. I let out me breath an let go of me shoulders. I put the milk on the table an gave me ma the change.

‘Where'd ye get the money?' she asked. An I told them the story, leavin out wha the man said te me.

‘Tha's the stuff!' roared Jackser. ‘Never let them get the better of ye!'

I looked at Charlie, who was sittin on the floor eatin the cinders. ‘Them's hot,' I said, snatchin the cinders from his mouth. The babby's mouth dropped open, an he started te cry. I picked him up te give him a kiss, an he gave me a wallop on the nose. I laughed.

‘Put him down!' Jackser roared. ‘He was quiet until you came in.'

‘He'll get burnt, Jackser!' I said. ‘He's eatin the hot cinders!'

‘No, he's not, he got them from the bucket.'