Made in Heaven (58 page)

‘I shall consult a lawyer,' she said. ‘That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it?'

‘Not my business really. I'll be in Egypt in any case. Just get on with it, and leave me in peace.'

‘But, Bob … ' Now that she'd spoken, Joss was over-whelmed by the enormity of what she'd done. Was this it? Really? ‘We'll see one another, won't we? At family birthdays and so forth … '

‘Not going to bother about things like that now, frankly. I shan't forgive you for fucking up my day, though. You could have waited. As we agreed.'

‘And if I'd waited it would have fucked up
my
day!' Joss noticed that her voice was dangerously wobbly and took a deep breath to steady herself. ‘If I'd waited, I'd have been sitting here for six weeks while you swanned off to Luxor. I'm not prepared to do that, Bob. I'm going to take care of myself from now on. I have to do this. I hope one day you'll be able to see that I really had no choice.'

Joss waited to see whether he would say anything. Would he plead with her to stay with him? He might point out that she did have a choice: she could give up Gray for ever and stay with him till they were ancient. She could stay with him till the very end of her life. He said nothing. As Joss was racking her brain for a formula that would take her away from this place, from this situation in a graceful way, he turned suddenly and strode off briskly towards a group of his colleagues who were standing near the rose-trellis laughing at something. She watched him get straight in there with a remark that made them all chortle even more enthusiastically and she thought, okay. He's going to pretend he doesn't give a damn. Fine. So will I. She felt as she imagined a baby would feel, if it emerged into the world already grown: excited, overwhelmed by possibilities
and nearly paralysed with terror of what might happen next. She also felt very light and detached, as though suddenly she'd floated free of her own life, and was drifting over the physical world that had defined her for years. She squared her shoulders and made her way into the house.

*

Emily and Zannah were up in the bedroom. The wedding dress was hanging up on the back of the door, already hidden in its muslin shroud. Zannah had just stepped into a chiffony floral skirt and top of supreme prettiness and now looked a bit like someone in a Botticelli painting.

‘I didn't think you were going to have a honeymoon,' Emily said. ‘Are you? I thought Cal had to be at work on Monday.'

Zannah giggled. ‘Apparently the hotel was so fabulous that he's booked us a couple of nights there. Isis is going to Gemma's till Monday. We'll do some of the things people never do when they live in London. I'm not going to use my London Eye voucher, though, because I've promised to take Isis and Gemma on that. Someone's knocking, Em … Who on earth can it be?'

‘Probably Isis,' Emily said. ‘Shall I let her in?'

Zannah nodded and Emily opened the door.

‘It's me,' said Joss. ‘Do you mind if I join you?'

‘Yes, do come in, Ma. She's got something to say to you, Em,' said Zannah, over her shoulder from where she was sitting at the dressing-table.

‘Really? To me? What have I done wrong?'

Ma was frowning. What on earth was the matter? She said, ‘Nothing. Nothing at all. It's me. I've got to tell you something.'

‘Sounds serious, Ma. Are you okay? You look a bit pale.'

‘I
am
okay, Em, but I'll be more okay when I've told you this. Not telling you has been awful, but I didn't
want to spoil your day. It's nearly over now, though, isn't it? I told Zannah last night but only because she caught me skulking about in the marquee in the early hours.'

‘The suspense is killing me. Go on. Spit it out. I can take it. I'm a big girl.'

Joss sat down on the edge of the bed and began to speak.

*

Isis and Gemma were standing together. They'd been admiring the beautiful pearl bracelets Mattie had given them as their official bridesmaids' presents. Tiny silvery bits between the pearls caught the light and glittered. Isis looked at the guests gathered round Mum and Dad. They were all clapping and cheering. Grandpa and Em were next to one another, and Grandma was talking to Charlotte. Alex was still taking photographs. There would be thousands and thousands of pictures to look at. Edie and Val were laughing together and talking to Granny Ford, who was red in the face.

‘I'd like to thank all of you for coming to celebrate our wedding,' Mum said. ‘And especially I'd like to say a big thank-you to my parents, to Charlotte, to Edie and Val. It's been like a dream come true. And now I'm going to close my eyes and throw my bouquet and I hope the person who catches it lives happily ever after with the man of her dreams.'

Mum looked at Grandma and smiled at her. Grandma smiled back and waved at Mum. Then Mum threw the bouquet up and up, nearly as high as the top of the marquee. Everyone watched it flying through the air and when it came down, they all looked round to see who'd caught it.

*

From where she was standing, Joss realized, the marquee was like the kind of pretty tent you saw in picture books illustrating medieval jousts: white and gathered
into a point at the top. She lifted her eyes above it to follow the trajectory – was that the word? Arc, maybe, or parabola, she couldn't remember – of the bouquet that Zannah had just thrown into the air. It seemed to be moving very slowly. She could make out each flower and leaf as it came closer: dark velvety roses, and freesias and ranunculus and viburnum and trailing ivy. The sky was dotted with white clouds now. What had Zannah said?
Happily ever after with the man of her dreams
 … Even though she knew Zannah had meant the bouquet to be for her, Joss had no real intention of reaching out and trying to catch it. The whole thing, she'd told herself, was nothing but a silly superstition. At the last moment, though, some reflex over which she had no control made her open her hands and the flowers dropped into them as though that was where they belonged. As though they were hers by right.

*

Joss sat in the car looking at the front door for a long time. On the seat beside her, the piece of paper with Gray's address on it was lying under the A-Z. The house was very pretty: square, on three floors, with a neat front garden. White stucco. White paintwork. Lovely curtains in the ground-floor front room. Which window was his? She could see the buttons to the left of the front door. I just have to go and press one, she thought. It's no more difficult than that. I have to do it. I have to know.

She got out of the car and walked up the front path. At the door, her courage almost failed her but she pushed the button marked ‘
Ashton
' and waited for Gray's echoey voice to speak to her from the intercom. Nothing. I should go, she thought. He's not here. I can leave a note. Should I leave a note? No … I'll come again. Another time. Maybe I ought to go away and think for a bit longer. Make sure I'm doing the right thing.

‘Joss?' He was standing on the doorstep. She couldn't speak. Her whole head was suddenly full of white space: silence and more silence with not a word in the world that she could have articulated. She looked down, terrified all at once, and Gray stepped out and took her by the hand. ‘Come in,' he said. ‘Come home, my darling Joss.'

She took a step over the threshold and heard, somewhere in the far distance, over the clamour of her own heartbeat drumming in her ears, the beautiful, heart-lifting sound of the white front door clicking shut behind them.

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