Made with Love (42 page)

And then she'd found the truth. In pursuit of her dream she'd
fallen in love with someone who was more wonderful than she'd ever known a man could be. She'd been so excited that Noah was helping her follow her dream, she'd let down her guard.

Conversation by conversation, and dream shared by dream shared, she'd opened up the door to her heart a little more. She'd been so busy opening her pie shop that she hadn't worried about not ever being chosen to be someone's wife. And as she let her guard down, Noah stepped in. He loved her. Or at least he had. Did he still? She thought of her display yesterday and the terrible words she'd said. She'd been awful to him, blaming his negligence for the fire. How could he ever love her after that?

What good would love do for her now?

Lovina sucked in a breath, and the air that filled her lungs seemed to be made of lead. The burden of trying to shield her heart and pursue her dream had been so heavy. She was tired of attempting to figure it out. She was tired of trying to hold back the longing and the dreaming of one day being a wife and having children.

Lovina climbed out of bed and sank to her knees. The wood of the floor was cool through the fabric of her skirt and her body slumped forward. She wanted to pray but didn't know how to start. She didn't know how to express the sadness she'd brought upon herself by believing she'd figured out her bleak future herself.

“Lord, help.” They were the only words that escaped.

She dropped her head, and her silent cries shook her shoulders. She was tired of carrying this burden. She'd been up most of the night trying to figure out how to pay Dat back. She didn't want to think about the pie shop or the fire. And for that moment she didn't want to think about Noah either. Her thoughts centered on God alone. For so many years she'd learned about Him. Her grandmother had been an example of reading God's Word, and
she'd tried to understand all she could, but this whole time Lovina had never thought to ask God what He thought of her.

Lovina sank down lower, almost being afraid to be seen in His gaze. That was silly. She knew God reigned over all and saw everything. He'd been there the whole time, reaching out His hands and wanting her to pursue Him. God had been waiting…for her.

Instead of turning to Him, she had run from her fears of being alone her whole life. Instead, she had pursued her dream. Because how could one ever truly be alone if they were busy from sunup to sundown running a pie shop? When would one ever have to worry about being alone with one's thoughts if they were surrounded by customers—both Amish and Englisch?

And the thing that broke her heart the most was that by trying to figure it out herself, Lovina had taken God off the throne of her heart and had put the pie shop there. She swallowed that truth and blinked twice, attempting to hold back the tears, but they refused to be tucked inside.

She leaned back, removing her hands from the floor. She sat straighter and turned them over, lifting them up with open palms.
This
, she told the Lord.
This is all I have. Myself. I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I'm tired of pursuing a dream. I long to pursue You, God. Show me how to do that better. I know You've seen me. You've seen me from before the creation of the world, and I am beauti…

Even the words playing through her thoughts had a hard time saying it. Her heart had a hard time believing it.

I am beautiful in Your sight.
She forced the words through her mind.
Wherever I go, You will be with me. And even if I lose everything in this world, Your love will not waver. Your love that stems not from what I do, but who I am: Your daughter.

Why had it taken her so long to get to this place of surrender? Why had she been holding on to her dreams so hard? It had taken
losing everything—her family's inheritance, her dream, and most likely Noah—for her to realize that she'd always had all that she needed in God. She had His favor. And no matter what happened in her life, as His child, she always would.

Knowing Noah, loving Noah, had opened up parts of her heart that she'd tucked away. And in a way she didn't understand, seeing the love in his eyes had helped her to understand God's love. Maybe the fact of knowing Noah found her beautiful helped her know that God did too.

A familiar old German hymn that they often sang in church flowed through her mind. She was used to repeating the German words. Or even more so, the German syllables. Because each word was strung out in the slow way they sang, she hadn't thought much about what the words meant to her personally. But now she just focused on this moment, trying to let the familiar words speak to her.

Where shall I go? I am so ignorant. Only to God can I go, because God alone will be my helper. I trust in You, God, in all my distress. You will not forsake me. You will stand with me, even in death. I have committed myself to Your Word. That is why I have lost favor in all places. But by losing the world's favor, I gained Yours. Therefore I say to the world: Away with you! I will follow Christ.

“Away with you,” Lovina whispered to her ideas of what true beauty looked like.

“Away with you,” she whispered to her dream of a pie shop.

“Away with you,” she whispered to the idea that she had to figure her life out herself.

“Away with you,” she said to the idea that she'd live her whole life alone. She'd been cruel to Noah. She'd said hurtful things, things that had cut him to the core. She questioned if he could still love her after that, but she wasn't going to give up hope.

Lovina closed her eyes and let her mind go places it had never gone before. She pictured a simple house that she shared with her husband. She pictured a pie baking in the oven. She pictured the laughter of children in the other room and a baby resting on her left hip as she stirred ingredients with a spoon in her right. She pictured a bedroom with a man's boots at the foot of the bed and a man's shirts hanging neatly beside her colorful dresses on hangers. She smiled as she pictured her wedding. Standing in front of friends and family, with her hand in Noah's.

Her leg began to fall asleep, and that was when she remembered why she was on the floor. She'd been prostrate before God, submitting her life to Him, and here she was letting her mind wander again. Would she ever get it right?

She felt shameful thoughts try to push into her mind, and that was when the peace came as a flood. She'd lifted up her hands, palms open to God, and told Him she was giving Him everything. Would it be too much for Him to give something back? A
gut
man like Noah?

Maybe God had given Lovina the dream of a pie shop in order to bring into her life the gift of a husband.

She'd lost the pie shop. She'd lost her father's money. But maybe she hadn't lost Noah's love. She'd said mean words, hurtful ones, and she'd seen pain as she'd walked away. She'd seen something else last night too. Compassion. And love in Noah's gaze.

Lovina washed up and dressed as quickly as she could. It was only as she exited the bathroom that she realized the house was quiet. She tried to remember if she'd heard any noise after she woke up, and she realized she hadn't. Had everyone in her family been gone all morning? If so, where had they gone?

She moved to the kitchen and cut herself a slice of wheat bread, wrapping it up in a napkin to eat on the way. Then she hurried to
the back porch and slipped on her flip-flops. Her only guess was that they'd gone to meet the first Pioneer Trails bus. The first of the season was always exciting. The first thing those exiting the bus would see was the burned shell of her dream…but Lovina held her head high. She knew God was holding her close.

Thirty-Three

Every spiritual investment will bear eternal interest.

A
MISH
P
ROVERB

L
ovina turned down the street toward the pie shop and hesitated. She wondered if more than one bus had come, for there was a huge crowd gathering in the front of the Tourist Church. She picked up her pace and hurried down the street. She knew exactly what they'd be seeing across the street. Her heart ached remembering the damage from the fire and water.

But as Lovina neared, her steps slowed. The crowd wasn't circled around the parking lot of the Tourist Church. Instead they were gathered around Me, Myself, and Pie. Her friends and neighbors would most likely be curious about the fire, but frustration pumped through her too. Had they all come to gawk? To give evidence that she'd been a fool for allowing Mose, Atlee, and Gerald to work on the building? For trusting Noah to watch them?

Lovina moved to the side of the road, clinging to a white, wooden fence, remembering how nice the picket fence in the pie shop had looked. Remembering how everything had been so…perfect.

God, why did You let this happen? Why did You call me to failure? Why…why did we have to lose everything?

A wind picked up, rustling her dress and brushing it on her legs. The aroma of gardenias was carried on the breeze, just like on that first day when she'd seen the warehouse. The first day that she saw Noah. She was mad at him, yes, but she still loved him…which only made things worse. She remembered walking into the warehouse for the first time. It had been dark, full of junk, and dirty. How had she ever seen the potential? It was as if God had given her the eyes to see.

“I thought it was God's dream even before it was mine,” she whispered to the wind. But if that was the case why did the fire happen? Why did she have to look like a fool now?

Lovina closed her eyes, not caring that she was on a public street. Not caring that someone might see the tears that had just begun to fall. And she remembered what she knew to be true: The pie shop was God's to give and God's to take away. More than that…it was His dream that He'd birthed in her heart. Now it was time to give it back to Him and see what He would do with it.

Lord, it's not my dream, but Yours,
she prayed silently.
This doesn't surprise You. None of it.

No, God wasn't surprised that she'd fallen in love with Noah Yoder. He wasn't surprised that she'd lost so much. He wasn't surprised by her questions or her pain. And still He'd placed that dream in her heart…so why?

Lovina thought about the newspaper reporter. Yes, it had been
gut
of the woman to be interested in the bakery, but even more exciting were the questions she had asked afterward—about God, about faith. Cara Johnson had said the pie shop would be about more than just pie…and the woman's faith had been renewed.

“Letting go of earthly possessions enables us to take hold of heavenly treasures,” her grandmother used to say. And without a doubt Lovina knew that was what God was asking her to do now.
God hadn't called her to be successful. He'd called her to follow Him, even if it meant walking down the dark valley where she found herself now. Because maybe someone else going through a dark time would be able to see her light that came from God alone.

Lovina breathed in slowly and continued on. Yes, a fire caused by careless youths had taken away something she'd worked so hard for, but nothing could take away her faith in God.

It was Grace who spotted her first. Grace lifted a hand and waved her forward. A moment later Lovina recognized the woman standing next to her—the newspaper reporter. Her heart sank. It would be hard enough to have to face the people of Pinecraft, but did she have to face this so soon?

Lovina squared her shoulders and approached the woman. She tried to force a smile, but she knew it was no good.

“Oh, Lovina, I was so sorry to hear about the fire. My editor told me as soon as I got into the office this morning. I knew I had to come over. But”—the woman's eyes widened—“I never expected to see this!” The words gushed from her mouth, and only then did Lovina turn to look at the pie shop. Her breath caught in her throat to see that the people weren't there gawking. They were working.

Tears filled her eyes when she saw a group of women carrying out all the linens. The curtains, tablecloths, and napkins were being placed into laundry baskets. Beyond them a group of men were hauling out pieces of furniture. There was a pile for pieces that were partially burned, but even more seemed to have little or no damage.