Making Marriage Work (22 page)

There’s no better relationship between people than through a great marriage, but there’s no greater pain in a relationship than the disappointment found in a bad marriage. Do whatever you can do to make your marriage not just passable, but excellent. God’s blessing on marriage is that through trying to make your partner happy, you will end up being happy yourself.

Proverbs, chapter 7, shows that wisdom is to learn what the Word says to do, then do it. If we are having problems in our marriage, wisdom says that nothing will change if we don’t change our approach to it. Wisdom may tell us to stop doing some things that we are doing, and to start doing some things we don’t want to do. We have to be willing to change.

I heard a great definition for insanity — it is when we do the same thing, the same way, expecting different results. Going to a marriage seminar or simply reading a book will not change one thing in your home if God convicts you of disobedience in an area and you don’t change what you are doing.

Learn to respond quickly if God prompts you with:

“Hey, that point is for you!”

“Your problem is a poor attitude!”

“You are in rebellion!”

“You are not spending enough time with your spouse.”

The Word is like the prod of the shepherd’s staff. When the sheep get out of line, the shepherd comes along and taps the lamb to get her back in line. That’s exactly what the Word does to us. God’s Spirit keeps us in line with the Word of God. Know what to do and then know to do it.

It might interest you to know that while I was doing the final edit on this book, which required me to read it, I was convicted by my own book of a few things I teach others that I have let slip myself. They are things that I know to do, but have gotten lazy in doing them. We all need the prod of God’s Word to keep us on the narrow path that leads to life. It had been a long time since I had played golf with Dave because I have been busy, but after reading this book I decided to rearrange my schedule and make having fun with my husband a priority.

When I asked Dave if he wanted me to play golf with him the next day, his eyes lit up, and he sounded very pleased and excited. Because I have sown seed with the intention of making him happy, I already know that he will go out of his way to make me even happier than I already am.

Follow the leading and promptings of the Holy Spirit — He is always trying to lead you into blessings.

Follow the leading and promptings of the Holy Spirit — He is always trying to lead you into blessings.

When God speaks, it is natural to look for an easy way out other than to sacrifice self-will and pride to obey. We cry in panic saying, “I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to be uncomfortable. I don’t want to have to give anything up. I just want my marriage to be better. Gee, I hope I can find a prayer line where someone is laying on hands to make marriages better.”

But you can have hands laid on you until you don’t have any hair left on your head, and nothing is going to change if you don’t go home and make some changes!

Read Proverbs 7:1-5,

My son, keep my words; lay up within you my commandments [for use when needed] and treasure them.

Keep my commandments and live, and keep my law and teaching as the apple (the pupil) of your eye.

Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart.

Say to skillful and godly Wisdom, You are my sister, and regard understanding or insight as your intimate friend—

That they may keep you from the loose woman, from the adventuress who flatters with and makes smooth her words.

We are to keep wisdom around us all the time, embracing it as a sister and seeking understanding or insight as an intimate friend. Wisdom promises to keep us from loose people who are intent on bringing destruction to our lives.

Verse 21 speaks of the recognizable patterns of temptation:
With much justifying and enticing argument she persuades him, with the allurements of her lips she leads him [to overcome his conscience and his fears] and forces him along.

How many people could stay out of trouble if they just paid attention to their conscience? We know this “loose woman” is specifically speaking about a woman trying to draw a man into sexual sin, but I believe it can also represent other things, like the temptation to sit around and watch too many television shows when your conscience is telling you to turn the television off and spend some time with your family. Sometimes we force our spouses into temptations by leaving them alone to find their own excitement and to cheer themselves up without our help.

God gives wisdom to anyone who asks for it. He will put in our heart a consciousness of what is right. To have good marriages, we have to do what our heart tells us, not just what we want all the time.

Proverbs 7:22-27 continues to explain the destructive goal of temptation.

Suddenly he [yields and] follows her reluctantly like an ox moving to the slaughter, like one in fetters going to the correction [to be given] to a fool or like a dog enticed by food to the muzzle Till a dart [of passion] pierces and inflames his vitals; then like a bird fluttering straight into the net [he hastens], not knowing that it will cost him his life
.

Listen to me now therefore, O you sons, and be attentive to the words of my mouth
.

Let not your heart incline toward her ways, do not stray into her paths
.

For she has cast down many wounded; indeed, all her slain are a mighty host
.

Her house is the way to Sheol (Hades, the place of the dead), going down to the chambers of death
.

Temptation plays on those who are already wounded. If someone isn’t getting his needs met at home, he is more likely to be played upon by the temptress. Notice that the victim is reluctant to follow, and if not diverted from her lead, temptation will lead a man to death. Obviously the “loose woman” could also be a “loose man.” This message is for men, women, young, and old. No one is beyond temptation.

Marriages need protection. It won’t work to think, Well, we are married so, that’s it. He’s stuck with me and I can act any way I want and look any way I want because he is committed to marriage.

If a wounded man whose needs have been ignored goes off to work, there will be somebody out there with that seductive spirit on them, who will try to entice him into a trap. So use wisdom. Don’t let your husband be like an ox led to the slaughter. Hopefully godly men will be smart enough to not let a loose woman steal their life, but some men need their wives to build up their defenses from such temptations. Likewise, wives need to be built up against this trap, too.

RESIST THE DEVIL

Married people need to flee from flirtations as quickly as possible. Even if someone is in need of compliments, it is dangerous to receive them from the wrong source. We must avoid and stay away from evil, asking God to strengthen us in all the areas where we are weak. We must resist the devil, and when we do, he will flee. The way we resist the devil is through submission to God. (James 4:7.) There are many voices in the world, but the one we must follow is God’s. Not only will the devil try to lead us astray through wrong thoughts and emotions, but he will use people, sometimes even good friends, to bring temptation into our lives.

The voice of people can be strong, but we must choose to be God-pleasers, not man-pleasers. You might have a single friend who wants you to go somewhere with her where she can meet a man, but it would be a place your spouse would not be pleased to find you. You will have to disappoint your friend and do what you know is right. Consistently doing this all things is the way to stay out of trouble. Follow wisdom; follow peace — if you do, you will like where the path leads you. If you don’t, you will regret it in the end. The way we avoid living in regret later is by making right choices now.

The way we avoid living in regret later is by making right choices now
.

God deals with His children. When we have problems in our marriages, I believe that He shows things that we need to do differently. He writes His instructions on our hearts and we know what we should be doing or what we should stop doing.

The beginning of wisdom, the Bible says, is the reverential fear and awe of God. We need more reverential fear and awe of God so that when God tells us something, we understand that He’s telling us for our own good. When I ask for a show of hands in my seminars for those who can admit that God has told them to do something that they haven’t been obedient to, 75 percent of the people lift up their hands. They already know what God’s told them but they haven’t done it.

What help is there for those who refuse to obey God? If we are not going to do what God tells us to do, then nothing is going to change in our circumstances. Knowing what to do and not doing it is not wisdom. This one principle can change your life. You have to know what to do, then do it!

This one principle can change your life: Know what to do, then do it!

Beginning in Haggai 1:2, we see a group of people whom God had told eighteen years previously to rebuild His house. They still had not been obedient to what He had told them to do; yet they didn’t understand why their lives were in a mess. They wondered where the blessing of God was.

After reminding them of their disobedience to His instruction, the Lord said them in verses 4-6:

Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses while this house [of the Lord] lies in ruins? [Now therefore thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways and set your mind on what has come to you.]

You have sown much, but you have reaped little; you eat, but you do not have enough; you drink, but you do not have your fill; you clothe yourselves, but no one is warm; and he who earns wages has earned them to put them in a bag with holes in it
.

Does this sound like anybody you know? How often have you heard someone say, “I just don’t understand what’s going on, God. I just don’t understand.”

Verse 7 brings the answer:

Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways (your previous and present conduct) and how you have fared
.

In other words, if we are not satisfied with what is going on in our lives right now, maybe we should look back and let God show us how the way we have conducted ourselves has affected what is happening to us now. We must be willing to change our ways if we want to receive His blessing. If we are willing to change from the previous and present conduct that is holding back God’s blessings, we can have greater victories than what we have ever had before.

Many Christians, who spend a great deal of their time trying to be happy, wonder why they are not being blessed. They believe the devil is trying to keep blessings from them. They think more spiritual warfare is needed for blessings to break through for them. Spiritual warfare is very important, but warfare without obedience isn’t going to do any good!

SUBMIT TO GOD

The Bible says, “Submit yourself to God, resist the devil, and he will flee.” (See James 4:7.) A lot of people are trying to resist the devil, but they still are not submitting to God! How can people keep the devil out of their marriages if they won’t do what God’s told them to do? If God puts on my heart, “Go and apologize to Dave,” then I need to be quick to obey. The Holy Ghost is not going to let me have peace until I obey His voice, “Apologize to Dave. Apologize to Dave. Go and apologize to Dave.”

God wants to build security and significance in couples. He knows love never fails, and His Spirit consistently prods us to do what love would do. The Word of God shows me what to do! The Word of God shows me how to have a great, wonderful life, but I have to do it.

We don’t sleep well when we are stubborn and bull headed. On nights that I refuse to apologize to Dave and go to bed mad at him, I have found that I can sleep on the outside seam of the mattress to distance myself from his presence! I was angry, and I did not want him to touch me. I can remember being freezing cold all night, but stubbornly refusing to ask him for any of the covers. In fact, at those times I felt that I would never speak to him again as long as I lived. (Does this scenario sound familiar?)

Yet, while I sleep the Holy Spirit is still waiting to encourage me to do the right thing. In the middle of my sleepless night, I hear His voice, “You should have apologized to Dave. You didn’t apologize.”

I finally get to the point where I can’t live under that kind of pressure, so I say, “OK, God, tell me what You want me to do. I’ll just go do it. Let’s get it over with.” I understand that nothing is going to change if I don’t do it.

Ephesians 4:26 says,
When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down
. Anger is an emotion that rises up sometimes before we know what is going on. I have discovered that I cannot always prevent it from coming, but I can deny its right to remain.

Make peace. Be a peacemaker. Swallow your pride and apologize. We have everything we need in the Word of God to help us live great lives! The Word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. (Psalm 119:105.)

HOW TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM IN YOUR MATE

In order to build His house according to His plans, God will ask you to build up and edify your spouse. Wives are called to respect, honor, and submit to their husbands in order to build him up and esteem him in the Lord. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church in order to establish her sense of value. Christ loved the church so much He gave Himself up for her. When God’s couples are built up in their sense of self-worth and value, they will proceed to fulfill God’s plan to multiply through godly offspring and subdue the earth through the work of their hands.

Both the husband and wife need to sacrifice their self-will in order to obey God’s command for their homes. How can anyone believe that someone loves them if they never see sacrifice on their behalf? If a spouse always has to have it their way or no way, how would the other partner ever feel loved? Both sides must make sacrifice to demonstrate their love to the other.