Making Marriage Work (23 page)

Love must be demonstrated by what we do. To avoid strife we must constantly forgive and let go of the offenses that happened that day. To stay focused on each other’s needs is a sacrifice but it is also the secret to great happiness and blessings in God. The alternative is to be selfish, demand your own way, and wonder why your marriage needs repair.

The Holy Ghost has your desires in mind when He tells you to demonstrate love towards someone. A lot of times I have felt prompted, “Just do it; just do it.”

I would argue, “Well, God, You are always saying something to me. When are You going say something to Dave?!!” I felt as though I was the only one who was ever corrected. If God wasn’t dealing with Dave, too, I couldn’t stand it! A couple of times I even went to Dave and I said, “Dave, is God dealing with you about anything?”

Invariably, Dave would shrug and say, “No, nothing that I can think of.”

One time God dealt very strongly with me about showing Dave respect, yet I felt as though there were plenty of times that Dave wasn’t respectful to me! If I interrupted Dave when he was talking, the Holy Ghost would say, “That is disrespectful.” I would think in retaliation, Well, he interrupts me when I’m talking! Why can he be rude and I can’t be rude?!

It’s a flesh burner when God wants you to stop doing something that the other person is doing, too. But we are each responsible to do what God shows us to do. He wants us to pour ourselves out for the other, like two liquids poured into the same glass that cannot be separated again. Do the hard things now, and your reward will surely come later.

Marriage began with sacrifice. Genesis 2:24 says,
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh
. Right away couples have to “give up” their dependence on their parents. That doesn’t mean they can’t have a good relationship with Mom and Dad, but it does mean that if they don’t leave their parents and cleave to each other, they will have problems.

My understanding of the word “cleave” means to be glued to; cemented together; to associate with a person so as to accompany him or to be on his side; to go where another goes; to be attached; devoted to; to hang upon and express love. It depicts permanent adhesion, or a welding together. If we are permanently welded to someone, doesn’t it seem wise to nurture that person’s self-image so we can better enjoy our “attachment” to them?

For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church.

Ephesians 5:29

The irony in being one is that if we build up our spouse we are in fact being good to ourselves.

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SO WHAT WILL THIS COST ME?

By this we come to know (progressively to recognize, to perceive, to understand) the [essential] love: that He laid down His [own] life for us; and we ought to lay [our] lives down for [those who are] our brothers [in Him].

1 John 3:16

Love has a price, but loving people is the only thing that will bring true happiness to our lives. I bought every book on love that I could find and they were all alike. They told me what love is supposed to be, but not one of them mentioned that love would hurt. Love requires sacrifice and because we are inherently self-centered, no one particularly enjoys sacrifice. While loving people outside of our immediate family calls for intermittent sacrifice, the daily event of loving a spouse leaves little time for self-seeking. There is no greater way to show your love than to sacrifice something you want with a good attitude.

First Corinthians 7:32,33 explains that while single people can be anxious about the things of the Lord — how they may please Him — a married man (or woman) is anxious about worldly matters and how he or she might please the spouse. There are people who have the gift to be single, but the biggest majority of people want to get married. Paul taught in 1 Corinthians 7:36 that there is nothing wrong with marriage.

He said, “If you can’t control your passions, then get married,” but he pointed out that marriage brought anxiety and distressing cares that single people don’t have. A married person is drawn in diverging directions; their devotion to God and devotion to their married partner can cause divided interests. If you are married then you must have concern for your mate.

THE SACRIFICE OF PERSONAL FREEDOM

Love requires a sacrifice of a certain amount of personal freedom. If you promise to love someone, you will no longer be able to only please yourself. You will no longer be able to watch just what you want to watch on television, or go just where you want to go, always eat where you want to eat, or buy anything you want to buy.

There are many opportunities every day to sacrifice for our mates, but we often fail the test. It is obviously a struggle to believe it is more blessed to give than to receive. Instead most of us fight to get our own way because we haven’t learned how to give, but giving contributes to the success of a relationship.

If our attitude is to bless others, then the blessings of God will chase us down the street and overtake us. What would happen in a marriage relationship if couples would actually compete to see who could do the most for the other one? We would no longer linger in bed in the morning thinking. If I lie here five more minutes, he will get up and make the coffee. Some of us would have to lie there 100 years before our husband would go make the coffee!

The reality is that we will never stop wrestling with our self-serving flesh. Every single day we will have to fight to overcome self-centeredness. How many times a day do we pass up opportunities to sacrifice something for our partners? Most of us try every which way to get out of doing anything other than what serves our own interests. Selfishness is ruining marriages.

THE SACRIFICE OF TIME

Time is another sacrifice a married person must make. To have a good marriage, we have to invest quality time in our relationship, or else it will never flourish. What does not grow will stagnate and eventually die. I have read that people need twelve loving, meaningful touches every day to live out life to their fullest expectancy. The best part of hugging someone is that we invariably get hugged back. The principle of sowing and reaping is built in to the act of a loving touch. Reaching out to others helps replenish our own life support.

Just think, hugging your husband will add years to his life, and yours! Hugging only takes a little bit of time. Don’t be surprised if the Holy Ghost reminds you to hug your husband before he goes out the door in the morning. Even if he is all the way out to the car when the Holy Ghost reminds you, go and hug him. You should chase him down and plant a loving hug around him.

If you are praying about your marriage relationship, I believe the Holy Ghost will speak to husbands saying, “You didn’t kiss your wife. You didn’t hug your wife. You didn’t even say anything to her this morning.”

He will argue against the idea of turning around and going back into the house, thinking that he doesn’t have time. Besides he has to stop for coffee and a cinnamon roll for his morning “buzz.” And just when he starts the car there you will be, shouting, “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait — come back — come back — come back. You didn’t kiss me.”

I have literally chased Dave down the driveway to be obedient to the voice of God. Dave would defend himself, “Well, I kissed you when I got up.”

“I don’t care if you kissed me when you got up. This is another event — now you’re leaving. Kiss me again.”

Women especially need these twelve loving touches every day — not pinches — touches. A wife wants to be loved, and some wives need to step forward and receive the hugs and attention that they need from their husbands. Let your husband know that you want your hugs each day. If your spouse has shown affection in the past and your response has not let him know that you liked it, he may have quit showing the affection. Be responsive; don’t act like a dead log when shown affection. I personally know that I despise giving someone a hug who just stands there and does not reciprocate at all.

Take time to think about your mate and how you might bless him. What do you think would happen if, just once everyday, you asked God the question. “Ok, God, what can I do to bless my mate today?” I challenge you to pray this prayer everyday.

Lord, show me something I can do for my partner today, just to be a blessing to him.

Marriages would flourish and love would grow if every married person would ask God for that help. God may tell a husband to call his wife just to tell her he loves her. What would his day be like if his wife called him, out of the blue, and said, “I just want to tell you I think you’re great.” Imagine the points that would be scored between that couple who consistently found ways to build each other up.

Galatians 6:10 says, …
Be mindful to be a blessing
. … We are to fill our minds with ways to be a blessing. You may even have to sacrifice the last bite of your hamburger, some of the fudge on your ice cream, or the cherry in your limeade just to be a blessing to your mate.

THE SACRIFICE OF COMFORT

Married people have to sacrifice both physical and emotional comfort, too. A display of emotions may be uncomfortable for some, especially men, but you may have to show your spouse how you feel emotionally sometimes. Admitting the emotional needs that you have is to make yourself vulnerable to the trust of your spouse. It may be a sacrifice to open yourself in this way.

Give hugs and compliments, and say, “I Love you. You’re beautiful.” Tell your husband, “You’re handsome. You’re important to me. I appreciate you.” If you can’t say it face-to-face, start by writing it in a card. If endearments are hard to say out loud, find other ways to express them, but start communicating.

Physical comfort must sometimes he sacrificed for a good relationship. Men may have to give their wives their coat when it’s cold. They may have to run through the rain to get the car from the parking lot for her so she does not get wet. A husband may have to drive his wife to the door of a building so she doesn’t have to walk through the sub-zero temperatures as he does.

He may have to wait for her to try on twenty-five outfits and then watch her buy the first one she put on. Men learn that shopping is an emotional experience for women. Men go out and they want to conquer the mall. Women go to enjoy the mall, but we’ll talk more about that Chapter 18.

SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE

There is no room for pride in a healthy relationship. The words “I’m sorry” need to be easy to say even when you really don’t think you were wrong. The Bible says in Romans 12:16 that we should live in harmony with one another and not be haughty or high-minded.

Forget having a good relationship if you are not willing to say, “I was wrong.” Why do we have such a hard time with admitting that we were wrong about something? Those are hard words to say, especially when we are upset. But blessings will come if we swallow that pride and let humility rule instead.

John 13:1 says,
[Now] before the Passover Feast began, Jesus knew (was fully aware) that the time had come for Him to leave this world and return to the Father: And as He had loved those who were His own in the world, He loved them to the last and to the highest degree
.

The highest degree that you can love somebody is to sacrifice yourself.
For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave His only begotten (unique) Son
… (John 3:16). We know that Jesus gave up His own self for us. The Bible says that men should love their wives as Christ loved the church, which was to the highest degree of self-sacrifice.

John 13 continues with the story of how Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, an act of servanthood, to show them how very much He loved them. He, fully knowing Who He was, being the Greatest of all, became the Servant of all. Pride never kept the Lord from showing His love for us. To be a servant, as He called us to do, requires that we sacrifice self-will.

Simon Peter resisted the Lord when He came to wash his feet saying, “Lord, are my feet to be washed by You? [Is it for You to wash my feet?]” Imagine for a moment how you would feel if Jesus came and said, “Sit down — I want to wash your feet.” Wouldn’t you feel hesitant, as Peter did, thinking that you should be the one who was washing the Lord’s feet, instead of Him washing yours?

But Jesus said to Peter,
You do not understand now what I am doing, but you will understand later on
(John 13:7).

Peter replied,
You shall never wash my feet!
(verse 8).

And Jesus answered him,
Unless I wash you, you have no part with (in) Me [you have no share in companionship with Me]
(verse 8).

He was saying that unless we serve each other we have no true part in each other. If you love someone to the highest degree you will be willing to serve them.

When Jesus finished washing their feet He said in verses 12 through 14,

… Do you understand what I have done to you?

You call Me the Teacher (Master) and the Lord, and you are right in doing so, for that is what I am.

We are all to be sensitive to the other person’s needs, even in little things
.

If I then, your Lord and Teacher (Master), have washed your feet, you ought [it is your duty, you are under obligation, you owe it] to wash one another’s feet
.

We are not to seek to be served, but to serve. That means that I should do things for Dave that normally I might not want to do. That means he will do things for me that he doesn’t necessarily want to do. We are all to be sensitive to the other person’s needs, even in little things.

A FRESH START

In the mornings, I like fresh orange juice with grapefruit juice in it. I used to make the juice by squeezing the fruit by hand rather than just drinking bottled or canned juice. One morning we had a lot to do, and I grabbed a can of juice to pour it into a glass.

When Dave came into the kitchen, he said, “Don’t you want some fresh squeezed juice?”