Making Marriage Work (28 page)

If either of you are hiding in the television set, or spending too much time at something that keeps you separated from each other, don’t make excuses; find out why this distance is developing between you. Search for balance. It’s O
K
to have outside interests, but you must have time for each other or you will continue to wound each other in addition to the hurts you received in your past.

HEALING SELF-INFLICTED WOUNDS

Some of the wounds that couples suffer from have nothing to do with their past. There can be offenses that the two of you have inflicted upon each other that need to be treated and healed. Years of harsh words can wound relationships. Adulterous situations where one partner or the other has been unfaithful can leave lingering traces of distrust. You may believe that you forgave the situation and are moving on, but something still isn’t right between you.

Maybe you are just now realizing that in all the years you have been married, you have not talked to your partner in a way that has been edifying or encouraging to them. Hebrews 3:13 (
KJV
) says,
But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin
. It’s not enough to just stop speaking harshly; we need to begin exhorting each other in love to bring all the healing that is needed in every situation.

We need to begin exhorting each other in love to bring all the healing that is needed in every situation.

There are things we need to do in our relationships on a daily basis that will bring healing from the hurts that are still binding and wounding us. First of all, we need to stop throwing the past up to each other. We need to stop operating with one another based on past experience. When we keep the past before us, we are retreating instead of advancing.

Some couples destroy each other by not letting each other change. The past is constantly referred to even years later, showing that grudges have taken a deep root in the heart of the offended spouse. Even if the offender is sorry, the other will not let him move on toward new behavior. Love does not take account of the evil done to it. Have you been a good accountant, keeping a running total on all offenses? Philippians 3:12-14 (
NIV
) needs to be pinned to our bathroom mirrors as a reminder of our goal:

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I firmly believe that one of the greatest benefits that we have as believers is found in 2 Corinthians 5:17 (
KJV
):
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new
. I don’t think our renewal just happens the day we are born again and suddenly all traces of past hurts no longer exist because we are a new creature. But I do believe that every day old things can pass away and all things can become brand new. I believe every single day that we need to do what the apostle Paul teaches in Philippians and let go of those things which are behind us and press on to those things that are ahead.

FIND WHAT NEEDS TO BE LET GO

If you are concerned about your relationship and you want to bring healing to the wounds you have inflicted upon each other, you will need to talk to one another. Find out what is separating you and communicate how you feel. When you start communicating about what has hurt you and how it has made you feel, you can expect your defensive nature to flare up. But you can displace new offenses by expressing your love and concern for the other person.

If your partner gets the courage to admit what is bothering them, you may want to retaliate instead of accepting responsibility for the offense. These are important moments to stay focused on the needs of the other person instead of on yourself. If you shut your spouse down now, they might not open up again.

It requires great maturity to be able to listen to your spouse’s honesty and consider words without getting hurt again. Dave and I have been married for years, and we are only beginning to be able to talk about our hurts and wounds with this new level of maturity. But the good news is that it is possible and it is necessary.

Perhaps once every couple of months the two of you could go out to dinner and practice your healing skills on each other. Through confrontation skills, you bring correction. Through healing skills, you let old wounds be medicated so they will no longer infect your relationship.

You could begin by saying, “I want you to share with me openly and honestly, and tell me if there things that I’m doing that are bothering you or hurting you because I love you and I don’t want to hurt you anymore. If I’m doing things that are hurting our relationship, then please tell me about it.”

A healthy way to respond is to say, “When you do _____, it makes me feel _____. I wish you would _____.”

A good response to that new information is to simply say, “Thank you for telling me how you feel. I am glad you trust me enough to tell me that, and I want to make the changes that you need. I will prayerfully try to respond to your needs the way Jesus would.”

Can you imagine what a difference it would make in your relationship if you could simply take turns expressing your needs to each other?

Can you imagine what a difference that would make in your relationships if you could simply take turns expressing your needs to each other?

I could say, “Dave, is there anything I’m doing that really bothers you? What area would you like to see me come up higher in so I can be a better wife.”

If he knew it was safe to be honest with me, he could use this privilege to say, “Well, Joyce, it really bothers me when I try to correct you about little things around the house, like not hanging up a towel over the sink. We bought this house and God has given me the logic to see some of the things that we can do and take better care of it, and I feel like every time I suggest one of those things to you, you think I am ‘nit picky’ and don’t regard my idea as important. But it’s important to me.”

That was bugging him, and it bothered him more than a little bit. I had no idea it was starting to eat at him, but I could tell he was starting to get unhappy.

And he said, “When I ask you to do something, I wish you would respect me enough to just say, ‘Sure, honey. If that’s something that you don’t want me to do, I’ll be more than happy to do that for you,’ and not make me feel like a moron every time I mention something like that.” His honesty was hard to swallow, but by my receiving it, our relationship improved.

A lot of healing comes through understanding and giving value and honor to a person who is worthy of esteem. But when people are full of insecurities, they cannot be corrected. When you ask for honesty, and your spouse gives you their wish list, remember that the Bible says that only a fool hates correction. Be thankful if your spouse tells you ways to improve your relationship. Hopefully, they will give you the same opportunity you are giving them.

I don’t recommend giving a lifetime list at one time. Pray and start with the most important one or two things that are on your heart. Be sure to keep voice tones gentle and keep a smile or pleasant look on your face. Voice tones and body language will determine partially whether or not the conversation remains peaceful.

A pastor told me once about a young man who worked for him, who was a master at taking correction. He told me the following story, “This guy is unbelievable. I called him into my office to chew him out about something that he did wrong, and he sat across from my desk and looked me in the eye and said, ‘Oh, Pastor, thank you. Thank you for correcting me. I am so glad that you love me enough to take the time to do this and to tell me what I’m doing wrong. Because God put me here to help you, and if I’m not doing it the way that you want it done, then I want it changed. And I’m happy that you’re talking to me.’”

Then he added, “Sometimes I call him in there to chew him out, and am dreading it, but by the time he leaves, I’m feeling good about doing it.” That may sound a little bit extreme, but wouldn’t it be great if every confrontation was soothed over with such a healing response? It is hard to bring things into the place of unity if every request for somebody to do something a different way results in a war.

Our own pride and insecurity make it difficult for us to receive correction. If someone tries to tell another person they are doing something wrong and that person already struggles with a lack of self-worth, then their fears are reestablished and they become defensive. The solution is not to avoid correction, but to affirm each other in love when we present our suggestions. If you are struggling in this area, I encourage you to read my book titled
The Root of Rejection
in which I have expounded upon the Scriptures you can lean on to build yourself up to a healthy, godly state again and find freedom from rejection.

It is good to recognize this need in yourself, and admit to your spouse when you need affirmation or encouragement. Trust your spouse enough to admit the fears and doubts that you have about yourself. When you understand each other’s insecurities, you can learn how to strengthen them. These meaningful moments of honesty can enhance relationships with lasting reinforcement.

A person who is still dealing with a shame-based nature already feels wrong because wrong things have happened to them. Extra care may need to be given by saying to them, “Honey, you know I love you; you are great, and most everything you do is right …” Don’t just start in with your list of what is wrong. Even partners with a healthy sense of self-esteem should be treated with thoughtfulness and honor. Be loving, kind, gentle, and humble as you focus on building up your wounded spouse.

Dave and I were not always good at confrontational issues. If we got into something and confrontation was starting, Dave would just get up and walk away from it. If I followed him around the house long enough, he would finally get in the car and just leave.

I asked him once, “Why can’t we talk about this?”

And finally, he said, “Because we aren’t talking. You are talking and I’m listening. You’re good with words and I’m not. You’re manipulating me and I don’t like it.”

Dave does have a much harder time expressing what he wants to say, while I can talk anybody into a corner and convince them of my point. So when you do sit down and try to communicate with somebody, you need to lay down some ground rules to create a safe place for confrontation. But don’t give up until you find a way to communicate your needs and find out what your spouse is needing.

And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8
KJV

Love may be blind to someone’s faults, but insecurity is overcome by true admiration. Building a strong relationship requires a lot of forgiveness. The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness; for example, we know our prayers won’t be answered if we don’t forgive others. If we are going to live peacefully with anybody we must be quick to forgive and not easily offended.

There are just things that your partner will do that you are not going to like, and there are things you will do that will irritate those who live with you. Your spouse will say things and do things that you don’t want said or done and you will simply have to let it go and proceed through the day about your business. Even some of the bigger hurts that people have done to you need to be forgiven.

But the other key to building a solid relationship is repentance. For love to abound between two people, nothing brings healing faster than to simply say, “Honey, I was wrong, and I shouldn’t have treated you that way, and I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?”

Luke 17:3 says,

Pay attention and always be on your guard [looking out for one another]. If your brother sins (misses the mark), solemnly tell him so and reprove him, and if he repents (feels sorry for having sinned), forgive him.

If Dave and I have had a problem, it is my responsibility before God to always forgive him. But Scriptures also say that if your brother
repents
, forgive him. I have seen situations where one spouse has done something wrong and is obviously sorry, but the other partner will not let it go. But Luke 17:4 says that if your brother repents, you must forgive him.

And even if he sins against you seven times in a day, and turns to you seven times and says, I repent [I am sorry], you must forgive him (give up resentment and consider the offense as recalled and annulled).

What if someone hurts you and does not repent? I don’t believe they can receive forgiveness if they are not repentant, but you still need to forgive. You need to forgive for yourself but also in order to release God to work in the heart of the other person. Don’t put the person in prison by holding an offense against them until you feel they have paid their debt. (See Matthew 18:28-35.) God is your Vindicator — let Him do His job.

You need to forgive. God is your Vindicator — let Him do His job.

The offended party that is hurt has a responsibility to forgive, but the offending party has a responsibility to repent. If they don’t repent, then that situation is not truly reconciled; it’s buried in the subconscious and leaves an open wound there.

Many people are very unhappy and even physically sick due to unconfessed and hidden sin in their heart. We recently had a young man come to us who had done something dishonest when he worked for us. We felt he had stolen some money, but he adamantly insisted that he had not. When he confessed and I asked him if he had felt guilty all that time, he shared that he actually had buried the sin so far down in his subconscious that he did not even remember doing it. He said he had even convinced himself that he had not done it. It only surfaced through some counseling he was getting to help uncover the root of his extreme passivity.