Making Marriage Work (35 page)

Everything that you speak to your mate either ministers life or death to them. Every single act of communication through words, voice tone, facial expressions, and body language either ministers to them life or it ministers to them death. That is quite a responsibility. Choose life.

18

HOW TO GAIN AND MAINTAIN

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Hebrews 12:14-15
NIV

As Christians, we need to raise the standard of excellence in our marriages. The prophet Daniel had an excellent spirit. He determined in his heart not to defile himself by doing things that he knew would be pleasing to God. We all need to draw a line in the sand, and stop moving our line.

There came a point in my relationship with Dave that I wanted to be excellent. I wanted to give him the excellence that I knew would bring life and peace and joy to our relationship. I wanted to move beyond mediocrity, and so I asked God to bring integrity to our marriage. I wanted our relationship to be in line with God’s biblical standards for husbands and wives. I discovered that it doesn’t matter where you are in your marriage, God loves you and has a good plan for your life. Even if your circumstances seem negative, keep your eyes on God and trust Him to bring you out and up.

Isaiah 61:7 holds a wonderful promise for those who put their hope in God. It reads,

Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach [your people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited]; everlasting joy shall be theirs.

Don’t grow impatient. The journey to excellence is a life-long process. But God is no respecter of persons, and anyone who trusts in Him will get the same benefits. God will do something awesome in your life. He will bless you, prosper you, and love you into wholeness. Psalm 103:4 (
NIV
) says He …
redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.

The instruction that God has given us in His Word can be trusted to bring fruit to our marriages and relationships. His love is a healing balm, and when we demonstrate God’s love to each other, that healing power is released to work between us. Too often, we try to get too much from people. We try to get our security and reassurance from our spouse instead of from God and then wonder why they aren’t able to fix us. We need to stay full of love from God and then let His love pour out from us to our spouse. This is the fuel for a great marriage.

We try to get our security and reassurance from our spouse instead of from God and then wonder why they aren’t able to fix us.

By the time this book is released for its first printing, Dave and I will have been married over thirty-three years. I think we love each other more now than we ever have. But we realize that we can’t meet all the needs that the other one has. I have to go to God to keep me whole. God will never reject us. He gives us beauty for ashes and promises double blessings for former hurts and pains.

I hope our stories demonstrate that God has the power to take you from a place of no hope to a place of triumph in your relationship with each other. I was so negative when Dave and I first married, and he was so positive and full of hope in God for our future. By watching Dave and the testimony of his faith in God, I learned to get over myself and put my hope in God, too. There has been such an astounding change in my life that now I am compelled to try everything I know to do to help others find the happiness that comes from putting their hope in the only One Who can fill the longing in their hearts. Only God can show us how to give and receive love.

Don’t sit around and feel sorry for yourself all your life because of what happened to you in the past. Stop taking inventory of everything you have lost and start counting up what you have left. Give what you have to God, even if it is nothing. He can even do something with nothing. It isn’t that complicated to follow the Lord.

I probably tell God two hundred times a day, “I love You. I love You, Lord. You’re so awesome, God. Thank You. Thank You, God, for what You’ve done in my life.”

When your hope is in God and you realize that He wants good things to happen to you, you aren’t so dependent on what kind of mood your spouse is in. If they are down, you are up because you have just been singing a love song to the Lord, and consequently, you are able to sing one to your spouse. Keep your heart full of hope. If you don’t you will definitely be disappointed.

The Bible says that Abraham once felt all human reason for hope was gone, but hoped on in faith that he would become the father of many nations. No doubt or unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God. A woman once asked for prayer because her husband of thirty-five years had just left her. I couldn’t promise that if she believed God her husband would come back to her because we cannot manipulate and control other people’s wills with our prayers. But, I can promise that if she hangs on to her hope in Jesus, He will either heal that marriage or He will give her somebody who will love her even better.

Like Abraham, she can have faith in the hope that God will bless her and take care of her and even be a Husband to her. Sometimes, we have to give God a little space in which to work. We can’t give Him a blueprint and then get mad at Him if He doesn’t do it the way we asked, but we can trust Him to give us peace and joy. With that confidence we should be full of expectancy and excited for our future.

Every day, we should say, “God, I’m excited to see what You’re going to do today. I believe that something good is going to happen to me today. Everywhere I go today, the favor of God is on me.”

ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS IN THE WRONG PLACE?

The Bible teaches us in many places to put our expectation and hope in God. He is our Source, the Source of everything we need. He often works through people to meet our needs, but we block Him from doing that when we put our expectations in people instead of God.

God often works through people to meet our needs, but we block Him from doing that when we put our expectations in people instead of God.

Sometimes we are expecting people to do things that they don’t even know we are expecting them to do. We end up disappointed, but it is because of our expectation, not their failure to meet it.

There have been times when I have let my mind go wild and over a period of a few days become convinced that Dave should be asking me to go out — go out to eat or to go shopping or to a movie. I am expecting him to ask me to go somewhere, and I have myself convinced that he should do that.

When he doesn’t do it, I have become angry and told him he should take me somewhere. He has responded with, “You did not tell me you wanted to go anywhere. You know I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.” I was expecting him to ask me, and he was expecting me to tell him.

I believe many marriages fail because of wrong expectations. Many disappointments come from these expectations that are actually misplaced. We cannot really expect someone to read our minds. We must communicate and do so clearly. We cannot expect our spouse to do what someone else’s spouse does. That is putting a pressure on them that is unfair. A good friend of mine named Don Clowers has written a book on right and wrong thinking. (It is scheduled to be released by Harrison House.) I highly recommend it for improving relationships.

DO-IT-YOURSELF ADVANCEMENT

It’s amazing how many times Jesus’ answer to somebody’s problem was, “Get up.” Jesus went to the man who had been crippled for thirty-eight years and was lying by the pool of Bethesda, waiting for the angel to stir up the waters so he could get a miracle. (John 5:1-9.) Jesus asked him, “Are you really serious about getting well? Do you really want to be healed?”

The man answered, “I have nobody to put me in the pool when the angel comes. Somebody else always gets ahead of me.”

Jesus looked at him and said, “Get up! Pick up your bed and walk!” One version says, “Make up your bed,” which gives me the picture of cleaning up your mess while you’re at it to get going in some direction that will produce something positive in your life. If he was lying there for thirty-eight years, he certainly didn’t have much spunk. I think in thirty-eight years I could have wiggled and squiggled over to the edge of that pool and been on the edge so far that when the angel came I would have fallen in and said, “You either heal me or I’m drowning, but I’m not living like this any more.”

If you’re waiting for someone to throw you into the pool, then here I am. If you have stayed with me this far to come to this point in the book and still wonder if God can heal your marriage, then let me be the one to tell you, “Get up! Get over the past, and get on with loving the person you married!”

Stop letting what other people think determine your sense of worth and value. Whatever is holding you back, make a decision to raise the standard. Say, “I’m tired of feeling condemned. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself. I’m tired of the pain of rejection. Jesus loves me, and if nobody else in the whole world ever likes me or likes my personality, I’m doing the best I can, so I’m going to serve God and love others from this moment forth.”

To love God and to love others are the only two things God has ever asked us to do in exchange for all the blessings He wants to give us. All the law of the Old Covenant is fulfilled in those two commandments. Watch what happens when you get out of bed in the morning and start loving others regardless if they seem to love you back. Watch what happens when you decide to get over hurt feelings, bitterness, and resentment. While you are at it, get over anything else you lost to the enemy because God can give back a double portion of whatever has been taken from you.

To love God and to love others are the only two things God has ever asked us to do in exchange for all the blessings He wants to give us.

It could seem harsh and unfeeling, but the truth is, sometimes the only thing we can do about the past is
get over it!
I had to finally make that choice, and if you have been allowing your past to threaten your future, you should try the same thing.
Get up; pick up your bed and walk.

We are to work with God in two ways: first, to gain victory over problems and bondages and secondly, to maintain the freedom and victory we have gained. It requires a continual willingness to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:1 (
KJV
) tells us,
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free
. … Yes, we must all stand fast and maintain the ground we have gained.

There were many times when Dave had to stand fast during the years he was patiently waiting for God to change me.

Fix yourself up like you would if you were not married and he was coming after work to pick you up for a date. Maybe not quite that fancy, but I am sure you get my point. If you normally wear makeup, put some on for him. Don’t always wear things you clean in; put on some nicer clothes for the evening. Even if you have gained some weight over the years, you can still look nice. Remember, do the best you can with what you have.

God is on your side. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted, to open prison doors and set the captives free. He gives us beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that we might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord. Why? Not because we deserve it, but just because He loves us, and others will see the glory of His kindness through our testimony.

Hold on to all the good that God has given you and make plans to advance to the best that God still has for you. Whenever you see the enemy threaten your peace, take authority over depression, discouragement, despair, fear, and hopelessness in the Name of Jesus. Command those evil spirits to loose you, to loose your thinking, to loose your emotions in Jesus’ Name. Be healed and rejoice for all that God is bringing to you and your household.

Speak life to your circumstances. Speak life to your future. Speak life to your mate and to your family and to your friends. Don’t wait for anyone else to throw you into the pool of life. Just jump in yourself. All you need is the truth of God’s Word to keep you free.

Matthew 12:34-37 shows how we can speak with faith to bring God’s best into our lives.

… For out of the fullness (the overflow, the superabundance) of the heart the mouth speaks.

The good man from his inner good treasures flings forth good things, and the evil man out of his inner evil storehouse flings forth evil things.

But I tell you, on the day of judgment men will have to give account for every idle (inoperative, nonworking) word they speak.

For by your words you will be justified and acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned and sentenced.

We are to bridle our tongue and discipline our words to be under the lordship of Jesus Christ. Our words can be full of deadly poison. The Bible says the tongue is a tiny member but it starts great big blazing forest fires. We can ruin a relationship with the words of our tongue. We can drive our children off with our tongue. We can say so many wrong things about ourselves that we can talk ourselves into a poor self-image. We can gossip and backbite, but just as anger stirs strife, a gentle tongue brings healing power.

Don’t expect to maintain healthy relationships if you use your tongue to murmur, grumble, and complain. When you are positive about life, you start building up power that will bring health and increase to your situation, but when you speak negative, lifeless words, you start draining your resources and steer yourself right back to zero power.

To gain ground in your relationship, understand that if you have been speaking negative words for years, it will take more than one or two positive comments to turn things around. But, you may be surprised at the welcome response even a few good words will bring to a dry and lifeless relationship. Being nice for one or two days will not undo twenty years of nagging and hurt feelings, but speaking words of life is the only way to turn your ship in the right direction.