Making Marriage Work (33 page)

I felt like I was already sitting on the floor, and then we would pull up to a meeting, Rrrrrr, Rrrrrrr, and I would have to unfold my body to get out of his toy. I hated that car. I truly despised that car. Our family wouldn’t fit in it and Dave was real picky about it. He didn’t want anybody to do anything to it.

I took the thing to the grocery store one day. When I drove it back into the garage and touched the garage wall a little bit, that put a little scratch on it. I was petrified to tell him. Well, he was kind to me about it, but the point is that Dave bought something that really wasn’t for the good of our whole family unit. It was something he wanted; it cost a lot of money. The payment on it was high. But it was not meeting our needs as a family unit. He had it about a year, and I begged him and pleaded and finally he sold it and we bought a van.

Now many years have passed, and Dave actually has a few older cars that he has collected over the years, high performance cars that he really enjoys. It is a different time in our life now. We don’t need to put our children in the backseat of the car, and besides, I have my own car, which is big enough for six people if need be. He drives the cars he has collected, and I rarely ever even ride in them.

At certain times in life we may want something, but it is out of season for us to get it. This time in our life is a much better time for Dave to own that kind of car than the first time he got one. It has always been a desire of his heart, and I want him to have his desires.

Dave and I are in agreement about the cars now; when he had the Z28 we were not. It took us a year, but we found a place of agreement. That is the most powerful, safest place to be. Even though I am strong willed, I won’t do things that Dave does not agree with because I know the importance of unity. The only way I go ahead with something if he does not agree is when we agree that we can disagree agreeably. In other words, it might not be what he would do, but he will allow me to do it without any animosity. It took us a long time to work through all these various things, but thank God we have, and so can you.

Agreement comes when the people involved stop being selfish. A lot of Christians still deal with selfishness. All that selfishness amounts to is, “I want what I want when I want it, and I don’t really care what you want because I want what I want.” Selfishness is an immature focus on our own selves.

If each one of us will learn to voice our wants, but choose what is best and serves everybody in the family unit, then we will find peace. The key is to care about what the other person needs and be willing to humble ourselves and do what we can to meet those needs.

If each one of us will learn to voice our wants, but choose what is best and serves everybody in the family unit, then we will find peace.

Parents, I encourage you to consider the opinions and desires of your children also. Obviously, we cannot allow our children to run the home, but they do have desires, likes, and dislikes even as adults do. You as an adult might like oriental food, but your children may not like it at all. It would be an act of selfishness to insist on oriental restaurants when you go out if you do it too often. Even though they are children, I believe it is pleasing to God when we consider their desires and respect them. We should never have the attitude, “Well, I’m the boss here; you just keep quiet and do what I say.”

Always search to find the place of agreement. Look for a place to eat that everyone can agree on. Dave and I practice this when shopping for furniture. We frequently don’t like the same thing, so we have agreed that we won’t buy something that only one of us likes; we will look until we find something we both like.

There is no reward in living selfish, self-centered lives, but the possibilities are unlimited when we live in agreement with others. God then promises to give us anything we ask for — that is in His will.

17

THE LOGIC OF LOVE

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty (snobbish, high-minded, exclusive), but readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks. Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone.

Romans 12:16,18

Jesus said we would have trouble in the world, but we could still have peace. We simply need to trust, lean, and rely on God’s plan for us. The more we understand His plan, the more knowledge we gain of the order He designed for our lives, the easier it is to enjoy the peace that passes understanding. Gary Smalley wrote a book about
The Language of Love
,
¹
which I encourage couples to read who want more peace and order in their relationships. Dave and I have enjoyed the lessons that are presented in his works.

Peace came to me when I understood and accepted that Dave was always going to look at things differently from me because God purposely designed him to be different. Men tend to be more logical, drawing from their left brain cells where rules are stored, and women tend to be more likely to offer several creative options from their right brain cells than her male counterpart. For this reason men and women generally have different approaches to problem solving. As a result, when they do come together, they can see that they make better decisions together than when alone. This process causes them to become one, as they enjoy each other’s strengths.

Because of different approaches to problem solving, when a man and a woman do come together, they make better decisions than when alone.

TO LOVE IS TO SHOP

Gary Smalley tells the following story
²
of the time when after five years of marriage, he learned from his wife that she “had nearly given up hope of experiencing a loving, healthy and lasting relationship with …” him! “Opposed to divorce, she had resigned herself to a life that offered few of the wishes and dreams for which she longed.”

He relates:

I had heard this kind of story before. For years, I had regularly counseled with husbands and wives, spending countless hours talking to them about improving their relationships. Only now. … the woman sitting across from me wasn’t a counselee — she was my own wife, Norma!

That day, I made a decision to understand what was happening, or not happening, in my marriage. …

After that tearful session with my wife, I decided to commit myself wholeheartedly to understanding and relating to her. … I could do something adventurous with Norma — like going shopping!

I’m not sure what emotional and physiological changes ignite inside my wife upon hearing the words the mall, but when I told her my idea, it was obvious something dramatic was happening. Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, and she trembled with excitement — the same reaction I’d had when someone gave me two tickets to an
NFL
playoff game.

… she needed to look for a new blouse. So after we parked the car and walked into the nearest clothing store, she held up a blouse and asked, “What do you think?”

“Great,” I said. “Let’s get it.” But in reality, I was thinking, Great! If she hurries up and gets this blouse, we’ll be back home in plenty of time to watch the college game on
TV
.

Then she picked up another blouse and said, “What do you think about this one?”

“It’s great, too!” I said. “Get either one. No, get both!”

But after looking at a number of blouses on the rack, we walked out of the store empty-handed. Then we went into another store, and she did the same thing. And then into another store. And another. And another! … And that’s when it happened.

Instead of picking up a blouse at the next store we entered, she held up a dress that was our daughter’s size. “What do you think about this for Kari?” she asked.

Taxed beyond any mortal’s limits, my willpower cracked and I blurted out, “What do you mean, ‘What do I think about a dress for Kari?’ We’re here shopping for blouses for you, not dresses for Kari!”

That night, I began to understand a common difference between men and women. I wasn’t shopping for blouses — I was hunting for blouses! I wanted to conquer the blouse, bag it, and then get back home where important things waited — like my Saturday afternoon football game!

My wife, however, looked at shopping from the opposite extreme. For her, it meant more than simply buying a blouse. It was a way to spend time talking together as we enjoyed several hours away from the children — and Saturday afternoon football.

… I thought back to our mall experience and my commitment to become a better communicator. As I reflected on our afternoon, I realized I had overlooked something important — the innate differences between men and women.

A man’s logic can get in the way of his heart, if he gives into his left-sided thinking. He thought they were there to conquer a blouse, but her right-sided thinking saw so much more potential in that time together.

This knowledge helped me to understand where Dave is coming from when he does certain things.

I can say, “That’s the left side of your brain at work.”

If I get emotional about something, he will nod and say.

“Mmmm. That’s coming out of the right side of your brain. You had better try to kick the other side in a bit.”

On a trip, the left side of the brain wants to conquer the distance, the number of miles to be driven that day. The right side of the brain pulls over to rest stops and historical markers on purpose. The right brain doesn’t vaguely care about football or hockey games unless they personally know the players or their wives. It stores and expresses the feelings of love, not just the definition, and would rather read
People
than
Popular Mechanics
because it’s more relational.

Men tend to favor the left side of the brain where logic operates. Women tend to use both sides of their brain at the same time.

Men tend to favor the left side of the brain where logic operates. Women are bilateral in their thinking, which means they tend to use both sides of their brain at the same time. A woman favors the right side of the brain that carries the nurturing part of the relationship. But God intended our differences to bring peace and order to our relationship.

LOGIC, ANYONE?

When Dave and I bought our new house, Dave’s logic went into full swing. I had a washrag hanging over the edge of the sink and he said, “Don’t put that there.”

“Why not?” I frowned, “That’s the sink.”

He said, “Because that rag is going to get moisture on the wood and you are going to warp the wood.”

Then a few days after that, I was putting lotion on my feet and just as I was about to stand up and walk on the floor, Dave stopped me saying, “You shouldn’t put that stuff on your feet and walk on the floor.”

I said, “Well, how am I going to get where I’m going if I don’t walk on the floor?”

He said, “That lotion is greasy and you’re going to get stuff all over the carpets.”

I argued, “I’ve been putting hand lotion on my feet all my life. Our carpets aren’t greasy.” But Dave comes up with these things all the time, and it helped me to realize that his logic is a gift and not intended by God to be an irritant in my life.

God intended that the differences between men and women bring peace and order to our relationship.

When I want to put a picture in a certain place on the wall he resists me saying, “We can’t do that; there’s no stud there.”

I say, “I don’t care if there’s a stud there or not. I want the picture in the middle of the wall.”

Unrelenting, he responds, “You can’t put that in the middle of the wall, it will tear the wall up.”

I try reason, “Dave, I go into other people’s houses and everybody has things on their walls, and their walls aren’t caving in.”

“I don’t care; you need to put it on the stud. We’ll put it over here.”

There are some things I can’t agree to do, so I explain, “I don’t want it there. It’s not in the middle of the room.”

“Let’s move the couch,” he offers.

“I don’t want the couch on one side of the room. I want it in the middle of the room, and I want the picture in the middle of the couch.”

How many times have you had these same discussions with your spouse?

I said, “You know, I want to get drapes for these windows.”

He answered with, “We need a shed.”

“Keep that stuff in the garage; just leave one of the cars in the driveway for awhile.”

He said, “I don’t want to do that.”

Equally unmoved, I let him know, “I want drapes.”

Life offers endless opportunities to become divided. Unless we know how to operate together, we will have war from daylight ’til dark. We are different; we feel different; and we want different things, yet God commands us to get into agreement and to be in unity. This is accomplished only through understanding, through value, and through honor. First Peter 3:7 sets the standard for husbands:

Getting into agreement is accomplished through understanding, through value, and through honor.

In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]

We are to be considerate of each other’s differences. It’s not going to do any good to tell a woman not to be emotional. It’s not going to do any good to tell a man not to be logical. God created us to be this way in order to enhance, not hurt each other.

When I am hurting over something, I don’t want Dave to preach to me about casting my cares. I just want him to understand, but I have to help him understand what I need. He doesn’t want to see me hurting, so he tries to talk me out of feeling badly, but I just want him to love me, and hold me, and even show that he hurts with me.

Once when I was hurting over something that someone had said, he tried to tell me to “cast my cares on the Lord.” I told him that is not what I wanted to hear. Finally, Dave suggested that we go play golf, and while we were driving to the course, he said, “Don’t let the devil ruin your day by soaking up the hurt you feel.” But then he lovingly said, “But I do understand. Really, I do understand why it is hard to stop thinking about what has hurt you.”