Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (35 page)

When we work to fully understand others and can demonstrate that we do, we are increasing personal credibility.

Chapter Ten. Step #7: Create Credible Interactions

We have explored
how effective listening and questioning can help you tap into
Secret #3
, “The Decision to Suspend Judgment.” The reality is that when we are able to interact in such a way that builds trust and respect, we naturally build personal credibility. We’ll go back to a few examples of individuals who have previously been introduced. We can learn a lot about credible interactions by evaluating a few of their successful techniques.

Interaction Technique: Maximize Your Agreements

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you ended up more confident of your
own
thoughts and ideas at the end of the discussion?

This often happens when you are talking with someone who is effective in the way he or she
agrees
with you. You might be thinking: Agreement with someone doesn’t seem like a big deal! Why does this even register on the interaction radar scale? It’s because agreements give us the chance to assure people that we are on the same page—and do this in a way that actually allows them to understand
why
it is so. Agreement situations are maximized when we both acknowledge the fact that we are in agreement—and explain why or how it matters.

If you recall, “Alice” was a member of a senior management group of an organization. Although she certainly did not agree with everything her team members suggested or believed, she was very effective at finding points of agreement and maximizing the impact of those agreements.

“Joanna” was another member of the leadership team. Joanna had the reputation of being a contrarian—she often found an opposite way of looking at information, and sometimes it seemed she did this just for the sake of argument or debate among team members. However, Joanna was extremely smart and her “opposing” viewpoints were important ones to consider and discuss. Alice used the technique of maximizing agreement very effectively with Joanna. Alice would say something like this, “Joanna,
I agree
with the need to explore the possible downsides of this idea
because
we need to be sure we don’t
overly invest in it without fully analyzing it.” This was a credible interaction—both with Joanna and the rest of the team. The team would then move forward with a factual discussion.

“Joe” was another leader on the team. Joe was a realist and often resisted overly aggressive project deadlines and dates. He believed the organization tried to bite off more than it could realistically chew. Alice would listen, seeking points of agreement, and then make comments such as, “Joe,
I agree
that we need to make sure we have realistic target dates
because
there are other projects that will be impacted by these dates.” Please don’t misunderstand this technique. This is not manipulation or “kissing up”—the old Human Invisible Fence Antennae (HIFA) will activate pretty quickly when someone is doing that. It’s simply taking a statement such as, “I agree” or “You’re right” a slight step further by explaining
why.

When you take the time to put words around the
why
of your agreement, you are able to increase credibility in your interactions. You help both yourself and the other individual understand the value of the interaction.

Interaction Technique: Create Productive Disagreements

Without a doubt, our personal credibility is probably more challenged when we disagree with someone. Our ability to avoid relying on our position or status, remain transparent, and simultaneously suspend judgment can be quite difficult. Our human emotions enter the picture, we feel the need to defend our beliefs or values, and the next thing you know we are engaged in an interaction that can damage the relationship. When the relationship is damaged and left without repair, we can lose respect. When we lose respect, we lose personal credibility.

Yet, life’s reality says that we do not always agree with everyone and everything. Credibility is often built or destroyed based on this reality. Some people handle disagreement through aggressive verbal attacks toward the person with whom they disagree. Others avoid the person with whom they disagree, and often carry a great deal of resentment and anger as a result. Neither of these options increases the opportunity for improved relationships and increased credibility. The option of
productive disagreement
does both. Productive disagreement is a simple, three-step process:

1. Identify the value of the other person’s point of view.
   This requires that we stop and seriously consider the other person’s beliefs and perspective. When we disagree with that perspective, this can be the most challenging aspect of the productive disagreement process. But, everyone has some reason for his or her perspective. You can always find the value if you are willing to listen and consider it. If nothing else, there is value in their right to have a different opinion! You can use phrases like, “I can see that you believe...” or, “I agree with your thoughts on....” Using this language helps both of the people involved in the disagreement find common ground.
   
2. Identify your concerns.
   Please note that this is not about just giving in and giving up. That would create no lasting results and probably leave negative impact on your credibility. When you just give up and give in without truly meaning it, you lose self-respect, and others typically follow suit fairly quickly. Instead, simply state your concerns in an objective manner. You might say, “What concerns me is...” or, “The obstacle I see is....” Notice you are not using the word disagree, but instead are listing concerns, obstacles, or barriers that might be in the way.
   

Discuss ways to maintain the value of the other person’s perspective while eliminating or resolving your concerns.
When you genuinely respect the other person’s perspective or at least their right to it, and have addressed your concerns, you are then able to move on to problem solving. This process should involve both parties and be mutual. You might ask, “How can we get what you need, yet address my concerns?” or, “What are your ideas for getting what you need, yet overcoming the obstacles I see?” When the other person is unable to offer suggestions at the moment, be prepared with a thought. You can say, “What if we...” and then complete the sentence in a way that might address the other person’s issue as well as your concerns. At bare minimum, you can always suggest that the two of you brainstorm ideas for doing that.

The opportunity for engaging in productive disagreements occurs for most of us every day. Review the following scenarios and you will learn that this process can fit naturally into any disagreement you may face.

Scenario #1: There’s More Than One Way to Look at Numbers

“Chuck” is a chief financial officer of a major corporation. He is leading the budget-planning process for the company for the following year. This can be a contentious process for everyone because, typically, each department head wants to plan increased spending, and the profit margin could be negatively impacted. Chuck’s role is to lead the entire group toward reasonable spending plans that allow profitability. Chuck and “Ray,” the head of IT (Information Technology), are disagreeing on Ray’s plan for spending for his IT group. Ray is getting frustrated because it appears that Chuck is not willing to consider his perspective. Then, Ray utilizes productive disagreement as a technique for resolving the disagreement.

Next is an example of productive disagreement that might be a little closer to home!

Scenario #2: She Was Always Late!

Remember “Roy”? He was the man with two prior marriages. If you recall, Roy’s style was to communicate very directly, which resulted in hurt feelings and damaged relationships. Roy has had a successful third marriage. He learned that relationships could benefit a great deal from greater self-awareness as well as applying productive disagreement techniques.

Roy was becoming somewhat frustrated because his wife, “Jan,” always seemed to be running late. If they agreed to meet at the theater for a movie at 6:00 p.m., she would usually arrive five to ten minutes late. If they were to leave the house by 9:30 a.m. to go to church, she was rushing out of the house at 9:35. Roy knew that if he did not address the issue effectively, he would likely address it ineffectively and create a problem. So, he chose the productive disagreement route!

Both Ray and Roy had something to lose if they did not handle these disagreements well. However, both situations needed to be addressed. The question we need to ask ourselves is this: How can I discuss what is happening in a way that has a productive versus destructive outcome? There definitely is some effort involved in having a productive disagreement. Usually, the results we receive are well worth the effort expended. When we are able to have productive disagreements, we enhance our self-respect. We also enhance the respect others have for us. We increase personal credibility.

Interaction Technique: Express Your Thoughts with Credibility

People who have strong personal credibility usually
sound
credible when they speak. This does not imply that everyone who speaks well is credible. You might not need to look much further than the political arena to understand that although there are many effective speakers, not everyone is someone who you respect and trust. However, individuals who possess the ability to express thoughts and ideas effectively are able to gain respect with greater ease than those who don’t. The good news is that everyone can positively impact their own personal credibility factor by focusing on a few basic speaking components.

Effective speaking or expression involves three components:

•
Who
am I speaking to?

•
What
am I saying?

•
How
do I say it most effectively?

Who
Am I Speaking To?

Most of us open our mouths, begin to speak, and our main focus is telling others what we think. Individuals who speak with greater credibility often think first of their audience, and then what they will say. Even if it is an audience of one, we become more credible when we think about who is listening to us, consider their issues and needs, and then focus our message to meet those needs. We actually do this in many situations already. Think of your last discussion with your grandparents or a senior citizen. Typically, you are less likely to speak about things that are not relevant to the lives of an older adult. If the older adult is not overly familiar with computers and technology, odds are that you would not launch into a discussion of how you applied a new software package to help you in your business. You might say that you
were helped by a new software package, but you would likely avoid going into the details of the technology. You are being sensitive to your listener and customizing what you say. If you are talking with someone in the Information Technology field, however, your discussion might be completely different about that new software package.

We can also tie being sensitive to our listeners with communication styles and preferences. We are so much more effective when we consider who we are speaking with along with how that person best receives information. For example, when dealing with someone who seeks retreat in interactions, we might begin a discussion with, “You’ll probably want to think about this and consider it for a while.” This will immediately allow the listener to relax, knowing that you understand the need to think internally first before they offer ideas and thoughts. All of this can occur very quickly and does not need to be mechanical or awkward. We can do it automatically and without much thought when we develop the desire to express ourselves with credibility and form the habit of considering listeners and their needs first.