Man of Honor (Passion in Paradise Book 4) (23 page)

“At work.  When I got
up with a headache that morning, I’d gone ahead and taken one to try to take
the edge off the pain.”

“Did you feel
particularly sluggish after that first dose?”

“Yeah, but I shook it
off mostly and went to work,” Honor explained honestly.  “I just felt real
tired.”

“That’s a definite
side effect of the medicine,” Bree shared.  “Then, you took two more capsules
for the worsening migraine when you went into your office later that morning?”

Honor nodded.

“You’re lucky to be
here with us, Honor.  The lab tested all the capsules that remained in your bottle. 
Each one of them was Seconal.  And if you didn’t intentionally seek out the
Seconal yourself….”

“Which I most
certainly did
not
,” Honor vowed crossly, her jaw clenching at the mere
thought.

“Then, I suspect
someone maliciously tampered with your bottle and replaced your migraine
medicine with another more lethal drug…the Seconal,” Bree theorized, clearly
concerned.

“We’re testing the
bottle for any prints and inventorying the local pharmacies’ Seconal supplies. 
Whoever this is had to get those drugs from somewhere.  If they did it locally,
we’ll find out,” Zeke said

“Oh, my God,” Honor
said shakily, the repercussions of what could have happened sickening her. 
“They made it look like I did this to myself.”  Jerking around toward Zeke, she
met his eyes as she grabbed frantically at his hand.  “I didn’t do this to
myself, Zeke.  I promise you, I didn’t.  I might not have told you about those
stupid threats I’ve been getting, but I’ve never outright lied to you in my
life.  You have to believe me.  Please!” she begged, clutching his wrist.

“Honor, baby, calm
down,” he urged as the heart monitor she still wore began to beep quickly and
loudly, an alarm sounding as she grew more agitated.  “I believe you, Kitten. 
I do.  But you’ve got to settle for me now,” he directed gently.

Breathing deeply
through her nose, Honor nodded.  He believed her; she could see the truth in
his pale gray eyes.  “Okay.  Okay, Zeke.”  Turning her head toward the doctor,
she asked, “What about you?”

“I believe that you
didn’t deliberately try to kill yourself, but I also think the actions you’ve
been taking lately to avoid facing your past and your pain will eventually kill
you if something doesn’t change.  My professional opinion is that you need
therapy, Honor.  Therapy that I’m happy to provide on an outpatient basis when
you’re likely released tomorrow.”

“No,” Honor denied
quickly.  “I don’t want therapy.  I have headaches.  That’s all.”

“Those headaches are
a direct result of the repressed trauma and pain that you refuse to
acknowledge.  I suspect once you begin dealing with those thoughts and
emotions, you’ll see a dramatic decrease in those painful migraines,” Aubrey
explained, her voice kind and caring as she smiled supportively at Honor.

“I don’t want to talk
about my past, Dr. Daniels.  It was painful while it was happening.  I have no
desire to revisit it now.  Tell her, Zeke.  Tell her I don’t have to do this!”
Honor pleaded, turning wide eyes toward Zeke.  Why wasn’t he saying anything,
she thought as panic welled inside her.  “Zeke?”

“Honor, the doctor is
right.  Your family and I think that this is the best way to go.  This is
therapy that I think you should have gotten years ago, babe.  Things might not
have gotten to this place if you’d had it earlier,” Zeke supported Dr. Daniels
firmly.

“My family and you? 
You’ve all
decided
?  How nice of all of you to try and manage my life so
neatly while I was unconscious,” she spat angrily as the feeling of bitter
betrayal flooded her system.  “But I’m awake now, and you’ll all have to get
over your disappointment when I say that I absolutely am not going to therapy. 
Not with Dr. Daniels or anybody else!  I do NOT consent to any of that
nonsense!”

“Honor, I understand
your fear here.  Your aunt explained earlier that you had some severely
upsetting experiences with your previous doctors after you were assaulted.  I
can assure you, that I only want the very best for you.  You and I can find a
way to get you the help you need to begin healing.  It’s long past time you
start to be able to enjoy your life.”

“I like my life just
fine,” Honor said softly, refusing to look at the other woman as she stared
down at the sheet covering her legs.  “And the answer is still no.”

Bree sighed as Honor
saw Zeke shove his aggravated hands through his thick, dark hair.  No doubt he
probably wanted to strangle her with them, but there was nothing she could do
about that.

No, scratch that.

She
could
do
something, but she wasn’t going to.

For a very simple
reason…

She hated talking
about her past.  And she wouldn’t do it.  Not even for him.

“I’m sorry, Dr.
Daniels, but you’re wasting your breath and your time,” Honor apologized
without looking at her.  “Zeke and my family might have left you with the
impression that I’d accept your offer of therapy or maybe they just thought I’d
accept to be polite to you, but obviously they were wrong.”

“I want you to think
about this overnight, Honor.  I’ll try and have you released in the morning,
pending the director of the psych department’s approval…”

“Why in the world
would you need
his
approval?” Honor moaned, lifting a hand to her aching
temple and rubbing the skin.

“Because Honor, on
paper, this reads like it could have been a potential suicide attempt.  I
believe you when you say you didn’t deliberately try to harm yourself, but if
I’m being completely honest with you, I’ve got to say that you can’t prove it.”

“What?” Honor gaped.

“You can’t prove that
you
didn’t seek out that Seconal and take it on purpose in an effort to
end your life.  Don’t worry… I’m going to note my opinion of what truly
happened, but if the director chooses, he could override me.  I’ll be honest,
it’d be much easier if you’d just agree to outpatient therapy,” Bree informed
her bluntly.

“I won’t lie,” Honor
countered.  “And I don’t want any therapy.”

“Do you want out of
here?” Zeke growled, his hands lowering to fist against his hips as he stood,
his legs planted a foot apart, facing her.

“Of course I do,” she
retorted.

“Then agree to the
fuckin’ therapy, Honor!”

“Stop bullying me,”
Honor demanded in a furious hiss.

“Stop acting like an
obstinate child,” he countered with an equally irate growl.

“Alright, we might
have crossed over the line into this conversation being counter-productive. 
Sheriff, remember what I advised you of earlier this morning,” the doctor
advised evenly.

Honor watched as Zeke
snapped his mouth shut even though his eyes continued to throw sparks.  She
didn’t know what advice Bree Daniels had offered him earlier, but she was
grateful that it had the power to press the invisible mute button on Ezekiel. 
Dropping her head back against the pillow, she stared at the ceiling and tried
to locate a way out of her current predicament.  Why couldn’t either one of
them understand that she wasn’t exactly gung ho to open the Pandora’s Box that
constituted her past?  Sure, she was aware that nothing that had happened to
her was her fault, but what HAD happened to her was HER business.  She didn’t
want to take those nasty memories out and dust them off so she could examine
them.

She knew how that
particular story ended, and it wasn’t with a happily-ever-after.  And it
bothered her that Zeke and her family were unwilling to let it go.

But it was becoming
increasingly obvious that she’d reached a rather dangerous impasse here.  It
was a confrontation she wasn’t sure anyone was going to allow her to win. 

So, for now, she’d
give them what they wanted… tell them what they had to hear to get free of this
place.  Desperate times called for desperate actions, she reasoned.

“I’ll think about it,”
she bit out from the hospital bed, her eyes glued to the ceiling above her. 

“Think about what?”
Zeke asked.

“The therapy,” Honor
clarified through barely moving lips.  “I’ll think about it,” she repeated
finally turning her head to look at Bree.

Aubrey beamed. 
“That’s wonderful, Honor.  Why don’t I go ahead and set you up an appointment
with me.  The promise of that session will go a long way towards satisfying the
psychiatric director, I can assure you.”

“Fine,” Honor replied
dully.  “Just get me out of here in the morning, please.  I hate hospitals.”

Honor wasn’t sure
what else the friendly physician said as she lay there in the bed.  She was
busy feeling guilty for the bald-faced lie she’d just told.  Zeke was likely to
come unhinged and her family would probably be disappointed, but she couldn’t
help it.  She had no intention of sitting in any office anywhere and letting
anyone, including Bree, pick over her bad memories like some kind of vulture. 

No!  Wasn’t
happening.

It was only when she
heard Bree telling her goodbye that she allowed herself to be drawn back into
the present.  Waiting until the door closed behind the friendly woman, she
slowly aimed her accusing eyes at the sheriff still in the room with her. 
“Please leave, Ezekiel,” she ordered softly, no inflection in her voice. 

“Honor, Kitten, I
know you’re upset…”

“Ezekiel,” Honor
began huskily, “Right now, I don’t think you know me at all.  If you did, you’d
have never pushed me into this.  You’d know that by doing this… bullying me into
what YOU want… I won’t forgive that.”

“It’s what you
need
,
Honor.  I told you a long time ago, any need you ever have will
always
trump
any want I might possess.  If you recall, babe, I don’t say things I don’t
mean.”

“And you get to
decide what I need? In your oh-so-elevated position of all-knowing Sheriff, you
get to do that?” Honor asked, hurt shining in her gaze as she stared at him. 

“Fuck, no.  I’m the
man that gets that right because I’m the guy that will kill and die for you
without a second’s hesitation.  When you finally decide to take a break from
being a brat, maybe you’ll see that!” Zeke barked, his eyes darkening as they
took in Honor’s stubborn face.

 “When did you become
so arrogant that you think you know me better than ME?  Why does everyone think
they can tell me what to do?  What in the world gives y’all the right?”

“Because we
love
you,
woman.  We want you to get better!” Zeke maintained.

“You are like a dog
with a bone.  You just won’t give this up!” Honor fretted aloud.  “Zeke, this isn’t
love.  Someone that loved me would never take away the ability to make my own
mind up about things and nothing you’re gonna say will convince me otherwise.”

“Here’s what I know,
you pigheaded pain in my ass.  I
know y
ou
need
help,” Zeke
remarked slowly, keeping his voice low and even and careful as he spoke to
her.  “It’s time, Honor.  Past time.  I want you to feel whole again, and in
order for that to happen, you’re gonna have to open up to somebody.  You won’t
confide in your sisters about what happened to you.  You’ve made it clear that
you don’t want to talk to me about it.  So, that leaves us with Aubrey
Daniels.  She’s discreet.  She’s friendly.  And most importantly, she’s
qualified.  Damn it, you’ve told me more than once that you like Dr. Mack’s
sister,” he contended inflexibly.

“Yes, she’s nice.  I
never denied that.  And, I liked her well enough to make small talk when I
delivered a plate of food at the café… you know the way a normal business owner
likes her customer.  I certainly don’t feel comfortable enough with her to
listen as she spouts psychological babble at me about the trauma I endured as a
teenager,” she snapped, her jaw clenching as she stared out the window at the
sun setting outside.  “Newsflash here.  I don’t need to revisit that ordeal
once a week on some shrink’s couch.  I already have to relive it in my
nightmares almost every time I close my eyes.  That’s enough.  I don’t want her
therapy.  I don’t need it.”

“Do you even hear
yourself?  You just admitted that those bastards torture you in your sleep
night after night.  That’s the definition of needing therapy!  Just try it,
Honor.  What the hell could it hurt to just attempt this?  If you won’t do it
for yourself, then do it for the rest of the people that care about you,” he
urged.

“I did try it. 
Remember?”  Honor shouted, unable to believe him.  Zeke had been there during
those dark days after her rape.  He’d seen her every single day.  He knew as
well as anyone that she’d already experienced that psychological mumbo jumbo.

“Babe, that wasn’t
the same as what Bree’s offering you.”

“Bullcrap!  I’ve
already done the shrink bit,” she went on as if he hadn’t spoken.  “Right after
it happened, the hospital sent those awful head shrinkers in here to study on
me… asking all kinds of personal questions that they had no right to know the
answers to.  Badgering me.  Bullying me.  They wanted to commit me, Zeke. 
Remember that?  All because I couldn’t talk about it.  I couldn’t talk,
period.  I tried.  It’s not my fault I couldn’t get words out, is it?”

“Of course it
wasn’t,” Zeke offered softly, his eyes soft on her pinched face.

“You need to
understand me, Zeke.  You AND the rest of the family.   I’m not goin’ through
that mess again.  I won’t, you hear me?”

“Aubrey has already
said that any kind of so-called commitment isn’t even on her radar, Kitten.  No
one is going to force your hand.  I won’t allow it and neither will your
sisters or Aunt Orla.”

“You’re already
forcin’ my hand,” Honor disputed willfully.  “Or are you tellin’ me I can walk
out of here right now and nobody – including you - will stop me?”

“Honey….” Zeke hedged
uncomfortably, wincing when Honor laughed harshly.

“I see I’ve got my
answer,” she noted haughtily, crossing her arms over her chest as she threw
herself back against the pillows behind her back.  “You’re on their side.”

“I’m on your side,
Kitten.  Always and ever on your side.  Unfortunately, you’re too mad to see it
clearly though.  I’ll just have to trust that one day you’ll be able to see that
I was always acting with your best interests at heart.”  Seeing her dubious
look, he cleared his throat.  “Look, woman, no matter what I do or don’t say on
your behalf, the doctors aren’t going to release you from the hospital until
either they’re convinced you aren’t a danger to yourself or you agree to
therapy with Aubrey.  Agreeing to counseling is going to be a whole lot
faster.”

“I don’t understand. 
It’s already been determined that I didn’t try to kill myself, Zeke.  I took
the medication based on the assumption that the pills in the bottle were what
the label said they were.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  Why am I being punished
like I’m some kind of high risk patient.”

“You aren’t being
punished,” he assured her calmly.  “We’re trying to get you better.  That’s all
your family and I want.  You.  Happy, healthy, and whole.  Can you honestly
tell me that you’re any one of those three things, Honor?”

Oh, how she wanted to
lie to him.  Of course, Zeke knew her better than almost anybody on Earth.  He’d
be able to spot one of her fibs from a mile away. “I’m fine,” she declared
instead of answering his question.  “Even if I try this, it’s going to be a
waste of both my and Aubrey’s time.”

“Bree didn’t seem to
think so,” Zeke pointed out gently.  “Face it, Kitten.  It’s time for you to
lower those defenses you’ve built up and let us past those walls you’ve built
to keep yourself apart from the rest of us.”

“You keep ignoring
the fact that I don’t want you behind my walls, Zeke.”  Honor’s face tightened
as she turned her bitter gaze toward the man intent on wreaking havoc on what
was left of her patience. 

The man had never
known when to leave well enough alone.  No, he was constantly pushing her for
more than she could give him.  When would he learn that his love couldn’t heal
what’d been shattered inside her?  Just like her love for him wasn’t strong
enough to overcome the very real fears she had of both men and intimacy.  And
no, she wasn’t deluding herself anymore.  She loved him.  Of course, she loved him. 
He was her strong, noble Ezekiel.  A man that would do anything to protect
her.  She’d have been a fool if she hadn’t loved him, too. 

However, when you
added all those qualms she had to the fact that she knew – even if she was
completely normal – she’d never be able to give him what he evidently craved in
the bedroom, she didn’t understand why he couldn’t see what she did.   Why
couldn’t he see that there was simply no chance for them?  Their love was
doomed before it was given a chance to bloom.

And she had to make
him see it.  For his own good, she had to convince him that she wasn’t what he
really wanted.

 “I told you when I
was eighteen that I was too broken to ever be fixed, Ezekiel,” she reminded him
as she hardened her voice and her heart, her delicate features clenching as she
fought back a tortured scream of frustration.  “Nothing has changed.  I’m still
just as irreparably damaged.  For God’s sake, most days I feel like I’m held
together by spit and a prayer!”

“And I told you way
back then, that business about being broken was bullshit.  I
still
say
it now.  You heard Dr. Daniels earlier, babe.  You’ve been lost in yourself for
a long time.  It’s understandable.  I guess that sometimes we have to get a
little lost in Hell to know that the fires there won’t kill us.  Eventually,
though, if we look hard enough, God shows us the way out of the inferno.”

“Funny,” Honor
murmured with a rueful scoff, hating herself for what she was about to say. 
Her daddy had always said that if you couldn’t get over, under or around a
problem, you were really left with only one choice.  A body had to grab the
nearest keg of dynamite, find the weakest point of entry and blast right the
hell through whatever obstacle stood between them and a solution.  And right now,
Ezekiel was that obstacle, and God forgive her, she knew his weak spots like
the back of her hand.  Reminding herself that what she was doing was ultimately
to save him for a woman that could love him the way he deserved to be loved,
she set her jaw and glared at him.

“I don’t remember
seeing you during
my
stroll through Hell, Ezekiel,” she began in a
lethally quiet whisper designed to get his attention.  “In fact, as I recall,
you left me to face those fiery pits all on my own that long ago night while you
went off to continue your… should we call it a date?” she asked with feigned
curiosity, her gut clenching as she saw his reflexive flinch.  Steeling
herself, she continued.  “Although, it seems like that’d be a bit of an
overstatement based on all the rumors I heard about you over the years.  Dating
would be a real loose term for what you did with your women back then, wouldn’t
it?  Tell me, Sheriff, do you think a few years of celibacy make up for what I
endured that night while you were getting your rocks off?” she asked as she
stared at him with outwardly cold eyes.  Seeing Zeke’s visible grimace and the
pain that flashed in his dark eyes, Honor felt a wave of shame flood over her. 
What the hell was she doing?  While part of her truly felt betrayed by him that
night, she knew she wasn’t being entirely fair to him.  It wasn’t Zeke’s fault
that she’d been kidnapped.  She hadn’t been his responsibility.  But, damn him,
she didn’t want to take a trip down memory lane with him or her family.  And
she sure as the moon didn’t want to do it with some freaking therapist!  And
the only way to get rid of his need to help her was to get rid of him.

God, it was all so
infuriating, but between the blasted eternally interfering doctors, her sisters
and him, it appeared that no one was willing to allow her to make up her own
mind about the matter.  The scariest part was that she wasn’t sure that digging
up the past wouldn’t just cost her a future. 

“Been saving that up
for a while, have you?” Zeke finally asked softly when the silence had yawned
between them for an almost unbearable length of time.

Biting her lip, Honor
shook her head dumbly, astounded that she’d uttered words so hurtful to a man
she loved – even if she refused to admit that fact out loud.  Now that it was
between them, her earlier plan seemed stupid and juvenile.  “I…I didn’t mean
that.  Not at all.   I’m so sorry, Ezekiel,” she babbled, her apology sounding
clumsy and inept.  Mostly because she knew it was, just like the woman
herself.  Her momma had been right.  Ugly actions had uglier consequences.

“You meant it,
Honor,” Zeke returned, a hard edge to his deep voice as he stared at her.  “And
you’re right.  I failed you that night.   I shouldn’t have left you there.  You
were a little girl waiting alone on the side of the road, and I left you
there,” he said starkly.  “It was the single biggest mistake of my life.”

“You didn’t know what
would happen,” Honor whispered, squeezing her eyes shut to avoid seeing the
emotional wound she’d inflicted on him.  What the hell was wrong with her?  She
wasn’t the kind of person that intentionally caused another person pain -
especially not the man who’d spent years trying to protect her.  Hearing Zeke
inhale deeply, Honor licked her dry lips.  “Nobody could have known what would
happen that night,” she added, staring at her hands.

“I’ve always wondered
how much you held my past against me,” Zeke murmured, seeming not to hear her. 
“I guess now I have some idea.”

Jerking her eyes up
to his, Honor’s mouth opened.

Holding up a hand
when she would have spoken, Zeke shook his head.  “Don’t deny it.  You know my
past.  I realized when Angie was giving you and Patience hell the day before
she died, that you knew a bit about the man I was before I fell in love with
you.  I guess I just never realized how much you knew.”

“Your past is none of
my business,” Honor quickly denied, mentally kicking herself for opening her
big mouth.  The idea of hearing anything more about Zeke’s former… dalliances
with other women sickened her.  Not with jealousy exactly, she tried to reason
with herself before she finally accepted that it was fruitless.  It was totally
the ugly emotion of jealousy currently making her stomach churn.  She
absolutely loathed knowing he’d been with other women…that he touched them and
kissed them.  She particularly hated that he’d done a whole lot more with them,
too.  Chief among them the little fact that he seemed to have an affinity for
BDSM if the information that had been shared with her was correct.  Even if she
could eventually work herself up to having an intimate relationship with a man,
she’d
never
be able to give Zeke the kind of sex life he evidently
desired.  “I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

“Dammit, Kitten! 
Everything about me is your damned business.  The same way everything about YOU
is my business!” he retorted angrily, his face darkening with irritation.  “I’m
not exactly proud of the kind of relationships I had back then.  I know I
didn’t do anything technically wrong.  I was single.  The sex was
always
consensual
if a little…”

“Kinky?” Honor
supplied dryly, averting her eyes when he took a step nearer her hospital bed. 
“Or is deviant a better descriptor?” she asked before she could control her
tongue.  Wincing, she shook her head.  “Don’t answer that.”

Zeke’s eyes slowly
closed as his shoulders sagged.  “Yeah.  I suppose kinky is as good a word as
any for it, but nothing I did was deviant, damn it.  I wasn’t into hurting my
partner,” he admitted hoarsely, ignoring her demand to not answer her.

“Partners,” she
corrected sadly.  “Plural, Zeke.  You passed time with more than one…
partner
.”

Sighing, he
continued.  “You’re right.  I did.  And some of those… ladies weren’t very good
choices.  Back then I was a younger man that sometimes didn’t think with the
right head.”

“Yes, I think
sleeping with someone as vicious as the late Angela Hastings proves that you
didn’t always think things through,” Honor muttered, still unable to believe
that he’d actually… yeah, she couldn’t let her mind go there at all.