Man on a Mission (15 page)

Mark took off walking in the same direction. The hot sun felt good and the air was wonderfully clean smelling after the hours of being cooped up in the hole.

He was going to break April's heart. The knowledge of what he was about to do made his footsteps
heavy. He loved April as he'd never loved anyone else in his life, but the conversation he'd just had with his siblings reinforced the perception that April would be better off without him.

April deserved a man who knew how to be a husband, a man who would know how to parent her son. She deserved more than what Mark could ever give her.

Making love to her had been a selfish indulgence on his part. He'd known with each kiss, every caress that he couldn't be the man for her, and yet he'd refused to deny himself the pleasure of loving her. And in this selfishness, he wondered if perhaps he was more like his father than he cared to admit.

As the cottages came into sight, dread filled Mark. He knew the most difficult thing he would ever do in his life was to stand before April and tell her that although he loved her, he could have no future with her.

When he reached April's place, Brian, Ricky and Doreen stood on the porch. “Hi, Mark,” Brian greeted him, his eyes dancing with excitement. “Everyone is talking about you and Mom and how you caught the bad guys red-handed!”

“We saw the sheriff and the deputies taking the bad guys away,” Ricky added. “And they told us that you and Brian's mom were heroes!”

Mark looked at Brian. “Where is your mom?”

“She's inside taking a quick shower.” It was Doreen who replied. “She should be out in just a minute. I'm so grateful you're both all right.”

“Yeah, me, too.” Mark smiled. “Thankfully the Delaney cavalry arrived just in time.”

At that moment April opened the door and stepped out on the porch. “Mark.” She smiled her joy at seeing him, and her beauty made him ache inside.

“We need to talk,” he said, then cast a self-conscious glance at Doreen and the two boys.

“Come on, guys, let's go to our place and rustle up some lunch,” Doreen said.

Mark smiled gratefully. He needed to talk to April now, but certainly couldn't say what he needed to say in front of an audience.

“Come in,” April said to him, a wrinkle of concern digging into her forehead. She opened the door to admit him into the cottage.

As he walked past her, he smelled the sweet, clean scent of her, and again his heart ached. She sat on the sofa and patted the space next to her. “What's wrong, Mark?” The wrinkle in her forehead deepened.

He sat next to her, his gaze focused on the wall across from them. He realized there was no way he could look into her lovely green eyes and tell her what he had to say.

“Mark?” She reached out and touched his hand, her fingers cool and trembling slightly. “What's wrong?”

He forced himself to look at her. “It was pretty scary there for a while, wasn't it?” She nodded, and he pulled his hand from hers. “But it's all over now.”

“Yes,” she said faintly, the worried wrinkle still creasing her forehead.

“I don't have to pretend anymore, and I need some time to put my life back in order.” He looked away, not wanting to see the darkening of her eyes, the pain
he knew his words would cause. “I think we need to cool it.”

“Cool it?”

He sighed. “April, it's complicated—”

“What's complicated, Mark? I don't understand.” Her voice trembled and her hands once again grabbed his. “Look at me, Mark. I need to tell you something.” He did as she asked and looked at her once again. “I love you.”

Her words stabbed through him like a bittersweet arrow. He wanted to sweep her up in his arms and hold her tight against him…and he wanted to run as fast as possible to escape the sweet yearning in those words.

Mark stood, unable to sit next to her and be strong. And, God help him, he had to be strong enough to walk away from her—for his sake, but, more important, for hers. “It ends here, April. I never had any intention of taking it as far as we did. I'm sorry if I hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” Her lower lip trembled, and Mark fought the impulse to reach out to her, take her into his arms.

Mark paced back and forth, then stopped in front of her once again. “April, I told you I had no intention of ever being a husband and a father. I don't know how to be either. I had no role model. Hell, I can't even figure out how to be a family with my own brothers and sister.”

April stood and took a step toward him. “Mark, that's not true. You'd make a wonderful father to Brian. I've watched you with him. And you'd make a wonderful husband to me.”

Mark shook his head. “I'd only let you down. Rachel knew the truth. She knew I didn't have what it takes to have a family.”

“I don't care what Rachel believed. Oh, Mark, don't fall into believing whatever your father said about you, what Rachel said about you. I know you, and I know you as the man I love, a man capable of loving me and Brian enough to build a lifetime of happiness.” Her eyes shimmered with the force of her belief. “Don't let other people's expectations of you dictate what you'll be, what you'll have in your life.”

Her words caused an ache inside Mark's heart, an ache of wistfulness, a wish that things were different, that he was different. But as he thought of Brian, so young and so needy, and he thought of his own up-bringing, he knew with certainty that he wasn't the man to parent the boy.

He wasn't the man who could love April the way she deserved to be loved. He couldn't stand the thought of marrying her, then watching those lovely eyes of hers cloud with unhappiness as he somehow let her down again and again. “I'm sorry, April.”

“Sorry?” Her cheeks flushed with color. “You know what I think? I think you did suffer some brain damage when Walter hit you with that shovel.” She was angry, and Mark knew it was an anger born of pain.

“You think because you had a bad father, you'll be a bad father. You think because your family was messed up, you can't make a family of your own.” Tears now glistened in her eyes. “You're wrong, Mark. Dead wrong. You are in charge of your future. Only you decide what kind of man you are and what
you're capable of.” She broke off and swiped her eyes angrily.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated again, not knowing what else to say.

“What a fool I've been.” She sat back down on the sofa. “That first night we made love, I remember thinking that I didn't have anything left to lose by making love to you. Derrick had stolen my trust, my father had lost all my money.” Her eyes burned into his. “I was wrong. I had something else to lose. My heart.”

Mark turned and left, not knowing what else to say, unable to speak around his own heartbreak.

A
pril had believed no man could ever hurt her again, but she'd been wrong. Neither Derrick nor her father had hurt her as deeply, as profoundly as Mark. And what hurt the most was the fact that she'd been so certain, had believed in her heart that Mark did love her but was afraid to embrace that love.

Now she no longer knew what to believe.

The desert, which she had begun to see as beautiful, now appeared barren, a heat-seared landscape that was as colorless and empty as her heart.

She couldn't even sustain a healthy dose of anger at Mark. He'd warned her from the very beginning that he wasn't marriage material. She'd gone into a relationship with him with her eyes wide open and with a seed of hope in her heart.

She'd arrived at the Delaney Dude Ranch with a heart that had been broken by Derrick and her father,
a heart that had been patched together by the healing of time and distance. However, nothing had prepared her for the utter shattering her heart had sustained when Mark walked away.

She hadn't even been able to hang on to her pride. Instead of letting him walk out the door, she had clung to him and professed her love for him.

For the next two days, April functioned by rote, doing her job, caring for Brian and trying to ignore the pain that thoughts of Mark brought with them.

Thankfully, she didn't see him in those two days. She knew the sight of him would only inflame the wounds he'd left in her heart and so she was grateful that their paths didn't cross.

She thought about leaving the ranch, packing up her car and heading for a place where her heart wouldn't be ripped apart each time she saw the man she loved. Ultimately, she knew she couldn't uproot Brian, who seemed happier than he'd ever been.

It was early morning on the third day after her talk with Mark when Doreen knocked on her door. April was still in her nightgown and had just started drinking her first cup of coffee.

“Good morning,” she said in surprise and ushered Doreen into the kitchen.

“Hope you don't mind me dropping by so early,” Doreen said, and nodded as April held up an empty cup. “Things have been so crazy the past couple of days, I don't feel like I've had a real chance to talk to you.”

April knew much of the craziness Doreen mentioned had to do with the firing of half a dozen men from the ranch. She poured Doreen a cup of coffee,
then joined her friend at the table. “Yes, it appears the Delaneys are doing some much-needed house-cleaning.”

“I still can't believe Walter Tilley was running illegal aliens into the country through the ranch and murdered Marietta.”

“I imagine he'll have lots of time in prison to think about his crimes.”

“I also can't believe that Mark was only pretending to be brain damaged. He deserves an award for his performance.” Speculation lit Doreen's gaze as it lingered on April. “But you knew that, didn't you?”

To April's horror, tears filled her eyes. She swiped at them quickly, but apparently not quickly enough. “Oh, April, I've upset you,” Doreen said in dismay.

April wiped her eyes once again and shook her head. “No, you haven't upset me. Mark upset me.” The last words eased out of her on a sigh of regret.

“You've fallen in love with him.” It wasn't a question, but rather a statement of fact.

“Is it that obvious?” April asked, forcing a small, embarrassed laugh.

“Only to anyone with eyes to see. Anyone seeing you and Mark together would know there is a strong force of energy between the two of you.”

“
Was
a strong force…or at least I thought there was, but no more.” April willed the burning tears away, refusing to cry over Mark Delaney. “I love him, and I thought he loved me, but apparently I was mistaken. He is definitely a good actor.” An edge of bitterness crept into her voice.

Doreen reached across the table and touched
April's hand. “I'm so sorry. Damn his handsome hide for breaking your heart.”

April paused a moment to take a sip of her coffee. “The most difficult thing of all is that I believe he loves me. I believe it with every fiber of my being, but I think he's afraid to love me.”

Doreen frowned. “Afraid? Why?”

“I'm not sure,” April replied miserably. She traced the tip of a finger around the rim of her cup, her thoughts whirling in her head. “I think he's afraid that because his father was so terrible, he can't be a good father to Brian. I think he's scared that somehow he'll let me down, not be enough for me. I don't know…I only know that I love him and he's turned his back on any hope for a future together.”

At that moment Brian opened his bedroom door and walked out. “'Morning,” he mumbled sleepily.

“Good morning,” April replied, hoping her son hadn't heard their conversation about Mark.

He walked over to one of the cabinets and withdrew a box of cereal. As he poured himself a bowl, Doreen stood.

“I'd better get back home before my munchkin wakes up and finds me gone.” She looked at April with a sympathetic smile. “If you need to talk, you know where to find me.”

April nodded. “Thanks, Doreen. We'll see you later.”

It wasn't until Brian had finished his breakfast and left for the stables that April felt the first stir of anger deep within her. She embraced the emotion, finding it so much cleaner, so less painful than her heartache.

Damn his handsome hide for breaking your heart.
Doreen's words came back to her as she dressed for the day. Those words fueled the first stir of anger, building it and sustaining it.

Every time he'd kissed her with no intention of loving her, he'd cheated her. Every time he'd made love to her with no intention of loving her, he'd cheated her. He'd cheated them both.

Luke was the Delaney with the reputation as a womanizer, but apparently Luke could take lessons from his older brother.

What angered her the most was that she suspected he was allowing his father to dictate the kind of man he would be—a lonely, miserable man.

She finished dressing and left the cottage. The warmth of the Inferno sun reminded her of the heat of Mark's embrace. The rugged landscape of the desert was an aching reminder of Mark's strong shoulders.

Would there ever come a time when the very land that surrounded her didn't remind her of loving Mark? Would there ever come a time when she would forget the magic of his kisses, the passion they had shared?

She hoped so. She desperately hoped that eventually she could forget that she'd fallen in love with a wounded cowboy, one who couldn't get beyond the wounds of the past to embrace the future.

 

For Mark the past two days had been endless studies in torture. He'd spent most of the time alone in his house, thinking about his father, thinking about Rachel and ultimately thinking about April.

Thoughts of Rachel had stopped hurting a long time ago. He'd never loved Rachel, but rather had
been willing to spend his life with her if that would please his father.

He had a feeling thoughts of his father would always yield pain. There were pieces of him that would never really heal, but that pain had at least become manageable.

It was the pain of the loss of April that ached inside him like an open sore. As he walked from room to room in his house, he kept imagining her presence there.

She would fill the place with her laughter, her scent…her love. She would bring flowers and knickknacks, she'd transform the space within the walls from a house to a home.

It was easy to imagine Brian there, as well, spilling boyish energy through the rooms and claiming one of the spare rooms as his own territory.

As Mark walked toward the stables with the warmth of the morning sun on his shoulders, he told himself for the hundredth time that he'd done the right thing in cutting April loose.

But that didn't stop his arms from aching to hold her, didn't stop his heart from wishing that things might be different.

He entered the stable and shoved his disturbing thoughts aside. The scent of hay and leather, of horseflesh and sawdust comforted him.

This was where he belonged, caring for the animals…animals who had no expectations, who would demand nothing of him that he couldn't give.

He braced himself as he heard the swish of a broom coming from one of the stables. He knew it would be Brian, doing his morning chores. He also knew seeing
the boy would only make him once again think of April.

“Mark!” Brian leaned his broom against the wall when he spied Mark. “I've been waiting for you.”

“You have?” Mark tried not to notice the eager pleasure that brightened Brian's features.

“You weren't here yesterday or the day before,” Brian said, a small note of censure in his voice.

“Yeah, I had some things to do away from the stables.” Mark walked from the stall where Brian had been sweeping to the tack room, Brian a shadow close behind him.

Mark took down a saddle that needed cleaning and oiling and set it on the railing used for that purpose. He was intensely aware of Brian standing close enough to him that he could smell the scent of boyhood that clung to him.

“Mark, could I talk to you?” Brian moved closer to him, so near Mark could feel the heat that radiated from his body. He could feel the intensity of the boy, as well, and knew whatever Brian wanted to say was obviously important.

Mark pulled up a stool, sat down and gave Brian his full attention. “What's up?”

Brian looked him straight in the eye. “I heard my mom and Ricky's mom talking this morning.”

Mark tensed, wondering what Brian had overheard. “You did?”

Brian nodded. “Mom told Ricky's mom that she thought you were kinda scared to be a dad, and I just wanted to tell you there's nothing to be scared about.”

A lump the size of a boulder rose up in the back
of Mark's throat as Brian grabbed his hand. “I know you got hit in the head and you don't think you're real smart,” Brian continued. “But you don't have to be real smart to be a dad.”

Mark's throat constricted as Brian's fingers tightened around his. “I mean, if you aren't sure you're doing it right, I could tell you. Mom and me, we could make sure you're doing it right. You already do most things a good dad would do.” Brian's eyes gazed into Mark's with an innocent earnestness. “And I'd be a real easy son. I wouldn't sass you or be bad.”

“Brian.” Mark finally managed to talk, to breathe around the lump in his throat.

“You don't have to say anything now,” Brian said as he released Mark's hand. “I just wanted to tell you that, so if you decide you want to marry my mom and be my dad, you'd know it's okay. I love you, Mark, and I think you'd be a real good dad.” Apparently finished, Brian left the tack room.

Long after the boy had gone, Mark's fingers still burned with the imprint of his touch, and his words reverberated in his head.

The offer to help Mark, to be a good son, had been the sweet plea of a needy boy, and Mark would have to be a mountain to remain unmoved by the touching offer.
I love you, Mark, and I think you'd be a real good dad.
Emotion stuck in Mark's chest as Brian's words went around and around in his head.

And in that offer of help, in that confession of love, Mark saw the promise of all the things he could have with April and Brian. A family, laughter and tears, a future filled with love and the kind of life experiences that bond a couple forever.

For the first time he realized exactly what he was turning his back on, exactly what he was walking away from, and the ache inside him grew to mammoth proportions.

By noon, Mark had to get out of the stables. Strangely, working with the animals brought him no comfort.

Confusion swirled in his head. He wasn't confused about his love for April—that was the one thing shining and true. But, for the first time since walking away from her, he wondered if perhaps he wasn't making the biggest mistake of his life.

He got into his truck and headed for town, unsure what he intended, but knowing he needed to get away from the ranch.

The sun beat in through the window, warming his face and reminding him of the warmth of April nestled in his arms. He remembered how when he'd first met her, her eyes had reminded him of spring, of the promise of new life and hope.

Was he turning his back on spring and damning himself to a life of cold, barren winter? If his decision to cut himself off from April was so right, then why did it feel so wrong?

He parked his truck in front of his sister's law office and stared at the door. Never before in his life had he sought out one of his siblings to discuss a problem. But now he wanted to talk to Johnna about April. He needed to talk to his sister about the woman he loved.

He got out of his truck and entered the door to the law office. A secretary greeted him with a bright smile. “Hi, may I help you?”

A shaft of shame shot through Mark. His sister had opened this law office a year before, and he'd never been here before. The fact that her secretary didn't recognize him underscored the distance between himself and his sister.

“I'd like to see Johnna. Tell her that her brother is here.”

The door to the left of the secretary's desk flew open and Johnna peered out. “Mark?” Her features radiated astonishment. “Come on in.” She waved him toward her inner sanctum.

“Is everything all right? Did something happen at the ranch? Are Matthew and Luke okay?” She shot questions of concern at him as he eased down in the chair across from her desk.

“Matthew and Luke are fine. Nothing is wrong at the ranch.”

She sat down at the desk facing him, lines of bewilderment still creasing her forehead. “Mark, what are you doing here?”

“Can't I visit my sister at her place of work? By the way, nice office.”

She eyed him in disbelief. “I've been here a little over a year and none of my brothers has bothered to stop by.”