Read Mark Henry_Amanda Feral 01 Online
Authors: Happy Hour of the Damned
Tags: #Contemporary, #General, #Fantasy, #Zombies, #Fiction, #Paranormal, #Seattle (Wash.)
Mark Henry_Amanda Feral 01 (31 page)
22
Were those Dickies? Jesus.
23
Hmm, maybe it was the deadish breath?
24
“That bitch’s breath stunk.”
“No more cocktails (I’m going to miss kamikazes and ooh, zombies).”
“Who will they get to dress my corpse?”
“I hope they have carbohydrates in heaven.” And, finally,
“Goddamn donut box.”
25
I’m talkin’ anal, bitches. Don’t be coy.
26
That’s pissy cooch, not Prissy Koch, she’s from Accounting, and a real cunt. Honestly, who keeps receipts?
27
He didn’t need to know about the donuts any more than the incontinence, so get off me.
28
If only the lies of human dating could be replaced by a simple ass sniff. Think of the wasted tears that could be avoided.
Sniff
. Yep. That’s an asshole.
29
Use your imagination. Jesus! Do I have to tell you everything? I blew him. Don’t make that face. You’ve done it, too.
30
Zombie or retard? You be the judge.
31
Without a scathing comeback, I revert to a haughty adolescence. I’m not proud. It’s shameful. Lazy.
32
Which has never, I assure you, been a problem.
33
Mmm, donuts.
34
In a nutshell: Eat people and drink cocktails, wear expensive foundation that really covers (as if I needed to be told that) and moisturize (duh). Carry a small box of moist towelettes and breath mints, wherever you go. Oh. And don’t allow yourself to be maimed, or disfigured, because forever is a long fucking time.
35
Lips and assholes, the makings of hot dogs.
36
Cute ones. I’m thinking Retro ’80s.
37
The following self-diagnoses are a result of years of introspection and research, plus I stole a book called the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
from my therapist’s bookshelf:
1.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
: I’m not imagining this one. You’re reading a list, aren’t you? Is it really necessary? I’ll answer right after I wash all the doorknobs again, excuse me.
2.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
: My understanding is that this is a disorder where everything makes you anxious. I’m not sure whether I actually have it or if I just like to think I do.
3.
Bulimia Nervosa
: Before you get any ideas, I do not puke, I exercise, like a demon.
38
And, just typing that gave me Wes Craven–style creeps.
39
Except by a tip, of course. That’ll get ’em moving. This is America.
40
Point of fact: The presence of a dead clown(s) is rarely cause for concern. Normally, their corpses signal that someone has simply been considerate enough to dispose of the rotten creatures, before you have to.
41
The Assessment: Shorter by a couple of inches, pretty face, thin, smallish tits, vintage shirtdress tied with a gold chain, cute shoes.
42
A rhetorical question, obviously. I don’t give a shit what you think.
*
Not that there’d be any question of that.
**
Thanks, Mom!
***
His!
43
Wal-Mart, would be my best guess, or somewhere equally
haute.
44
An actual “humph.” So rare, these days. I hadn’t heard one since Roz in a repeat of
Nine to Five.
45
Except for the time with Ben Moretti, oh and Joel Watts and that time with Rachel somebody, after that stupid Wicca meeting, but that was a long time ago, a long time.
46
Weird, right? It was like they knew me.
47
Classy.
48
Moment of silence.
49
Is there any other way?
50
If this comes as a surprise, then you’ve overlooked the fact that I’m a total bitch. Totally unacceptable, considering, I’ve given you plenty of hints. It should have you reconsidering that YouTube bitch.
51
She was dead, after all, and blonde.
52
It’s my memoir, and I like lazy similes.
53
You knew I’d notice.
54
Is it wrong that I thought it looked like a floating poon? I don’t think so.
55
Making my initial reference all the more disturbing, no?
56
Yeah. That one.
57
Please stock up on the following items:
1.
Spasteam 2000
: There are other steamers on the market, but this one seems to be able to extract a blackhead without stripping ten layers of skin. If we wanted that, I’d have suggested a belt sander.
2.
Otani Alcohol-Free Exfoliating Gel
: Alcohol-free is a must, particularly for dry skin. An alcohol-based exfoliate will render your skin a desiccated wasteland, and no one wants to see that.
3.
Egyptian cotton extra soft washcloths, natural:
If you’re going to spend $42 on an eight-ounce bottle of Otani, do you really want to scrub with that Target shit?
4.
Fiji or Voss water for rinsing:
Okay, I'm being elitist here but I don’t know where you live, your tap water could smell like raw sewage. some do, you know.
5.
Clarity Spa’s Fluff Toner:
Most toners will be effective, but if I can create an excuse for a quarterly visit to the spa, then, it’s on.
6.
Hypoallergenic Softdiscs:
Please disregard the need for these applicators, only if you reside in a singlewide trailer and call metal flashing a foundation.
7.
Matsuma Conditional Moisturizer:
Creamy, bordering on edible, even the name of the company suggests food. Your skin will look so fresh, bystanders will have to resist the urge to lick.
8.
Brookhaven Valley Pinot Noir:
To drink, silly. Essential. The more you think of this as an experience, as pampering, the more likely you are to spend the time required to look fabulous.
58
Steam. Exfoliate. Rinse. Tone. Rinse, again. Moisturize. Please commit it to memory.
59
Shout out to Clive Barker!
60
Or, a cacophony of maniacal incomprehension, your choice.
61
Some of which are excerpted for this book.
62
It was kind of cute how she thought she looked good.
63
You know what they say about large canines. Big…ego.
64
And, who wouldn’t want that?
65
Only it wouldn’t matter. Her delivery was so awful and standard; she’d still have to blow him.
66
That’s the word! I’m a supernatural. After all, isn’t that what I try to achieve with my makeup? I’ll even say it like this: I’m super natural. Très Minnesota.
67
We used to call her Naughty Kinky. Don’t you wish your name could be so deliciously mangled?
68
If you don’t stop thinking those dirty thoughts, you’re going to have to seriously consider joining a twelve-step for sex addicts. Now, how would your girlfriend/boyfriend react to that? It’s just not fair to them. So embarrassing.
69
You look it up. I’m not big on accuracy. I’m in advertising, for Christ’s sake.
70
Shut up. I can be nice. Fuck off!
71
Or unholy, as the case may be, the unholiest.
72
i.e.: Did I catch you looking at dirty pictures again? You little devil.
73
Well no more danger than driving while talking on a cell phone, in the rain, whilst in the middle of a total fucking freakout.
74
Is it wrong that my tummy growled? I’d hate to seem insensitive.
75
Jen Lancaster’s memoir is well-read and dog-eared. The bitch is bitter and I love her.
76
That’s the royal “we.”
77
Who doesn’t love a Kubrick reference?
78
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
79
Would you like feces with those bowling alley fries?
80
Enticing, no?
81
They’d have to be to employ that overused adjective.
82
Trauma is the New Recovery. Caution: that tidbit is all mine, folks. When you use it—and you will—pepper it through your speech like veins of blue mold through Roquefort.
83
I love an unexpected rhyme.
84
A circle with horns, the inside is a rainbow. Co-opted from the gays. Easy to overlook.
85
I would have to check if that had been done. I do love to facilitate.
86
Standard Operating Procedure for show of irritability.
87
Her trademarked look. It indicates the presence of either unacceptable males, or dirty diapers in a grocery store parking lot.
88
Every now and then—and I’ve never done it—a bunch of zombies heads down to the welfare office and picks up some deadbeats for a feast. They set them loose in a fenced-off field and have at it. Hilarity ensues.
89
With a capital “M”.
90
Mistakes are not discerning eaters. Like how hillbillies eat possum.
91
There. I said it. Sweetbreads. As it turns out, they are not so bad. Saying BRAINS would just be tacky.
92
The files strapped to a rolling cart, a striped suit and crème colored blouse, the look of angry frustration. What’s your best guess? Mine was attorney.
93
The oh-so-dreamy Officer Scotty. The hotness.
94
See how I skew?
95
You know I tend to lead with my nose. Nasal, but not in a Fran Drescher way. Let’s get that straightened out right now.
*
Don’t Expect Another
96
Is that a ’60s doo-wop song?
97
I know it’s an inanimate object!
98
It’s never inappropriate to reference bad Canadian horror movies, or their remakes, as it turns out.
99
“It’s not just soft,” the model said. “It’s devilish! New Beelzebub Shampoo, with Satan proteins.” I can see it now, simply evilicious.
100
Surprise. Surprise.
101
Don’t worry. I used the air quotes.
102
Marginal Guilt: From where you’re sitting—the soft cushion of disinterest—look out across the border. You should just be able to see guilt crossing the river on a makeshift tire raft, three deep.
103
Interpreted: Rochelle was a crazy stalker girl.
104
No, I’m not.
105
Werewolf, it’s what’s for dinner—the other, other white meat.
106
T.L.D.: Traditional lesbian ’do.
107
When I say things that are ridiculously obvious,
please
, just ignore it. It’s a pathetic attempt at humor, really. It should come naturally, like it usually does.
108
Crittery: Coined phrase number 27.
109
Damn all this intrigue!
110
Please join me in a moment of silence.
111
It’s a living.
112
So it’s perfect for those late night cravings.
113
In this new world, sinister was the new soothing.
114
Unatrailaphobia: the fear of a single-wide.
115
At least two.
116
Now, before you get all high and mighty, thinkin’ that this is no way for someone in jeopardy to act toward their captors, remember, this one’s
already
dead.
117
That’s a lie. It smelled like soap. I was just bitter and looking for derogatory comments.
118
Little. Different. Deadly. New Maximum Strength Zombil. It’s not just a sleeping pill. This one’ll just kill ya.
119
Public displays of affection, while romantic to those involved, are, in fact, disturbing and icky. Leaving the witnesses as violated as molested children. Offenders: please make a note of it, and correct your behavior.