Marriage Made on Paper (18 page)

He went straight past the maître d’ and led her to a table in the back. “My table,” he said, as he pulled her chair out for her. It was secluded, set back into an alcove that had a curtain just barely drawn back so that the main portion of the dining room was mostly hidden from view.

“You come here often?” she asked facetiously.

“It’s one of my favorite places.”

She wasn’t sure how she felt about coming to a place he went to with other women. She couldn’t feel anything about it. It couldn’t matter. They were here to get attention from the press and the fact that it was one of his usual places made it a good choice to accomplish that. Everything else was moot.

But it didn’t feel like it. It felt vital somehow.

“Our food will be here shortly,” he said.

“You ordered ahead? And without asking what I wanted?”

“No, I always get whatever fresh item they’re featuring on the menu and they know that.”

The little flutter of panic that had been ready to take flight in her stomach calmed slightly. It was only food, but there was the dress, too, and the shoes. It was the kind of thing she’d always worried about when it came to men and relationships.

He reached across the table and squeezed her hand, just as the waiter was coming with their dinner. She had to wonder if he had done it because he wanted to, or if it was part of the show. She couldn’t worry about it though, not when he was looking at her like she was the only woman he wanted. Like she was the only woman he’d ever wanted.

He was the only man she would want. She couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Couldn’t imagine wanting to be. She’d never met a man to equal him before, and she doubted she ever would. She ignored the trickle of fear she felt as she acknowledged that. Until that moment she’d been pretending that she would simply find someone else when she was ready. When she had physical needs again.

It was a reasonable thought. If she and Gage were
only fulfilling a physical need for each other, then wouldn’t anyone do?

No.

“It’s hard to enjoy dinner when all I want is to take you back home make love with you.”

Lily blushed, something Gage found infinitely attractive. That she was capable of the act at all was a novelty, but that wasn’t what it was. It was more than that. With Lily it was always more. He’d attributed it to her being a virgin, but it wasn’t so simple.

Tonight, when she’d walked out of the bedroom in that red dress, he’d known for sure there was more. He wasn’t entirely certain what he was going to do about it, a first for him, but he knew that she wasn’t simply a temporary diversion. Knew that it wasn’t about distracting the press anymore, or even a simple fling. They had passed that point a long time ago.

She looked at him, her expression wicked. “I’m having similar fantasies involving your shirt.”

“You’ve already ruined one of my favorite shirts.”

“It’s for the greater good,” she said, a smile curving those lush red lips.

He loved talking with Lily, loved the way her mind worked, her wit, her sense of humor. Her company. There had never been anyone in his life who added so much. She understood his business, she was wonderful to talk to, and in bed … he had never experienced anything like what they shared when they were together.

Usually by now, he would be bored with a lover. But he couldn’t imagine Lily boring him in any way. And he didn’t know what that meant, what purpose it could possibly serve. He didn’t know how to give love, didn’t know how to receive it. There was Maddy, but she loved him because she’d always needed him. He had
no experience with the emotion otherwise. He seriously doubted he was capable of giving it or getting it.

But for now, it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t let it. Tonight he would lose himself in her body again. Tonight he would be inside of her, and when that happened, nothing else seemed to matter quite so much.

They both ate quickly, all thoughts of a photo-op for the press forgotten, and as soon as he paid the check they made a mad rush for his car.

He took her hand and she laughed, walking quickly in her heels. He spun her to him and kissed her, his stomach tightening when she pulled away and he got a good look at her gorgeous face, at her beautiful smile.

“We should hurry,” he said, his constricted throat making speech a near impossibility.

“I agree.”

B
EING
with Gage, making love with Gage, was always amazing. But it had never been like this. His hands moved over her curves, his touch reverent, his lips soft but urgent on her skin. And when he claimed her, surged into her body, she truly felt as though she didn’t know where she began and he ended.

She dug her nails into his shoulders, locked him more tightly against her by wrapping her legs around his hips and she arched into him and gave in to the pleasure that was coursing through her body. But it was more than that. More than just a physical reaction brought on by sexual arousal and release.

His body went taut above hers, the tendons in his neck standing out, a hoarse grunt signaling his orgasm. She held him to her, felt his heart beating hard against her chest. It was so much more than sex. So much more than a fling.

And she didn’t think she could face it.

Before she and Gage had started sleeping together, they’d been colleagues, they’d almost been friends and then they’d moved into being lovers. But now it had moved beyond that. There was so much more. It made her heart feel like it was too big for her chest, made her
entire body ache. And it also made her feel more alive than she’d ever been. And it terrified her.

She shifted beneath him and he rolled off of her, settling beside her. She squeezed her eyes tightly, hoping that she wasn’t about to embarrass herself by crying postclimax again. Only this time it wouldn’t simply be due to the release. It was all about the feelings that were exploding inside of her.

Gage gathered her close and she went willingly into his arms. Even though it seemed necessary to her control that she have some distance, she just couldn’t bring herself to leave. She wanted to be with him.

He laced his fingers through her and kissed her shoulder, the gesture one of tenderness, caring. A gesture that made it hard for her to breathe.

“Thank you for what you’ve done for Maddy,” he said, his voice rough, his breathing harsh.

She felt a twinge in her chest. She didn’t want what had just happened between them, what had been happening between them for the past couple of weeks, to be her thank-you for helping out his sister.

“Of course,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

“She’s had to deal with enough without adding this … I can never forgive my parents for what they’ve done to her.” He tightened his hold on her. “The worst part is, I would be an even worse father than my own was.”

She turned to face him. “Why do you think that?”

“My work is my mistress. And just like a real mistress, it tends to get in the way of your real family.”

“But you raised Madeline.”

He nodded. “I did. And I wouldn’t trade it. She’s
wonderful. But I put a lot on hold for her and if I were going to have children I would have to do it again.”

She nodded. “That’s true.”

“You don’t want kids, do you?”

She bit her lip, the flow of emotion that was pumping through her a mystery. “No. I have the same problem with my job that you have.”

She’d never planned on having children, never wanted to get married, but suddenly, the idea seemed sad to her. Listening to Gage outline just why it was impractical for either of them to ever have a family made everything seem so final. And he was right.

But for one crazy moment she wished that he weren’t. She wished they were different people. People who knew how to have relationships. But if time weren’t the issue, it would be something else.

“Maddy and I … we love each other. We grew to depend on each other out of necessity. But … I don’t think I have any more to give,” he said.

She looked at him. His eyes were closed now, his body relaxing, readying for sleep. She’d fallen asleep next to Gage every night this week, listening to his deep, even breathing. And someday that would be gone. It would have to be. There was no future for them.

Pain hit her square in the chest, stole her breath.

She loved him.

She loved him, and she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be in this relationship, didn’t want to have to sacrifice her ambitions, didn’t want to deviate from her life plans. There was no way either of them could make anything like a marriage work, not when their businesses took up all of their time.

Not when she was afraid of what it meant to be in love.

What if they grew to hate each other as much as they cared for each other now? When the misery set in, misery because they’d had to compromise too much, because Gage was tired of her, what would she be left with?

She almost laughed. She might be in love, but Gage wasn’t in love with her. He’d said more than once that he didn’t do serious and for him, this was just another fling, another strictly physical relationship. And now he’d outlined, in clear detail, why he wasn’t meant for fatherhood or marriage.

She’d fooled herself into thinking she wanted a fling, but it had always been about more than that. She’d wanted to move past all of the issues that still hung over her head. Wanted to erase her mother’s influence in her life if possible.

And instead she’d landed herself in a mess her mother would have reveled in. She loved a man who would never love her back. She loved a man she didn’t want to love. She was in the relationship she’d never wanted.

She slid out of his arms and went into the living room, clutching her arms, trying to keep herself from shivering.

It didn’t matter how she felt about Gage.

She laughed out loud into the empty room. It did matter. Now that she knew what her feelings meant, she knew she had to finish with him. She shook her head. She’d done what she’d promised herself, and him, she wouldn’t. She’d fallen in love with her first lover.

She sank onto the couch and drew her knees up to her chest, her heart pounding so hard she thought it might break. The pain so severe she was certain it already was.

She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t stay. Not feeling like she did.

A tear slid down her cheek.

She was so afraid that if she stayed, she would give him everything. Everything she’d learned to hold inside, all of the emotions she’d learned to carefully suppress. And they wouldn’t be enough for him, either. She wasn’t enough. She never had been. Her love hadn’t been enough for her own mother, why would it mean anything to him?

She pressed the heels of her hands hard against her eyes and tried to block the flow of tears. She had to be strong. She had to end it. Before he did it for her.

It was 4:00 a.m. when Gage woke up and found Lily’s side of the bed cold and empty.

Lily’s side of the bed.

Any other time, it would have bothered him to think of anything in his home as belonging to someone else, especially a woman he was seeing. But with Lily, it seemed natural.

He didn’t feel claustrophobic when he thought of spending an indefinite amount of time with her. He wanted her, and for now that was fine. He could continue to enjoy her until the arrangement no longer benefited either of them.

He pulled on a pair of dark boxer briefs and went out into the living room. Lily was sitting there on the couch, a cup of coffee in her hand, a blank expression on her face. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and she was dressed in a fitted skirt and jacket, her work uniform.

“Did something happen with Maddy?” he asked,
thoughts of the media hounding his sister his first thought.

She shook her head, her lips pursed. “No. Maddy’s fine. At least, I haven’t seen anything about her in the news.”

She lowered her eyes and gripped her coffee tighter. He’d spent a lot of time with Lily over the months she’d worked with him, more since they’d started sleeping together, and he knew her moods. She was upset and she was trying desperately not to show it.

His first crazy thought was that she might be pregnant, though he had been vigilant about protection. Still, a thousand images rushed through his head. Lily, her belly rounded by pregnancy. Lily, holding their baby.

The very idea should have terrified him. He’d never wanted to be a father. Not because he didn’t want children, but because he didn’t want to become his parents. He had the same kind of ambition both of his parents had shared, and so did Lily. They’d discussed as much only that evening. So when would they see their baby? Between work and work-related events?

But if it had already happened, there was nothing that could be done. If she was pregnant, he would face it, and he knew that she would, too. Neither of them ran from things. They faced things head-on, which was why they had more than they occasional clash.

A baby. A small surge of exhilaration rushed through him. Maybe this would be his chance. His chance to have everything he didn’t believe he could ever possibly earn.

“Lily, whatever it is, you can tell me,” he said, his voice tight.

“I can’t do this anymore, Gage.”

Her words hit him with the impact of a brick. His
stomach contracted and his chest squeezed tight. Pain ripped through him before it was washed away by a tide of anger that washed it away.

“You can’t do what?” he asked, his voice soft, because he knew he was on the edge, and unless he kept himself under careful control, he might lose it completely.

“This. This relationship. Whatever it is we have. We agreed to a fling, and this—” she gestured around his home “—staying at each other’s houses and going on dates and you buying my clothes, that’s not a fling.”

“Yes, Lily, this is a fling. It certainly isn’t anything more.” The pain in his chest compelled him to lash out, made him want to shatter that composed look on his face, find a break in the calm, smooth voice.

It was an incredible crash, thinking that he’d found a way to hold on to her forever, and finding out she was slipping away from him. He had nothing to hold her to him, nothing to make her want to stay.