Married by Contract (11 page)

She really needed to get to work.

***

Work didn’t make her feel better.

In fact, she felt worse and worse as the day went on. And
more and more she was hit with guilt about how she’d spoken to Nick. She hadn’t
meant it like it had sounded. Surely he would have known that. It was just that
their marriage was so unnatural. She should have expressed herself more
clearly.

At five-thirty, she finally gave up trying to work. She
needed to get back to Nick. She would apologize and try to be honest with him.
They’d always been friends. They could at least stay that—even if anything else
was impossible.

She hadn’t asked him about the break on his case he’d gotten
yesterday. The accident had completely pushed it from her mind.

She was a terrible wife. She was even a terrible fake wife.
But she didn’t want to be a terrible person.

She was going to fix this, even if it meant tearing herself
up from the inside out. Nick was more important to her than even her own fear.

When she got home, it wasn’t even six, and she saw down the
hall that Nick’s bedroom door was opened, and the light was on. He must be in
there. She dropped all her stuff in the main room and headed toward him.

“Hey, Nick,” she said, just before she turned into the room.
“I’m really sorry about—”

She broke off the words abruptly as she saw what he was
doing. He had a suitcase on the bed. He was packing.

He was
packing
.

She crossed her arms over her stomach as she stared at him,
unable to find any other explanation for his behavior right now.

He was leaving her.

Nick had turned toward the door at her voice. He looked
terrible—even worse than he had last night. He hadn’t shaved, and there were
dark shadows under his eyes. She wasn’t even sure he had showered today.

When he didn’t say anything, she managed to choke,
“You’re—you’re leaving?”

“Yes.”

“For…” Her voice cracked so much she couldn’t get the words
out the first time. “For good?”

“Yes.”

It was agony—one of the worst things she’d ever experienced.
She’d known it was coming, though, so it felt inevitable at the same time. As
if the end she’d always expected had finally reached her.

He didn’t say anything else, but she couldn’t just leave it
like it was, so she stepped further into the room. “I’m really sorry about this
morning, Nick.”

“I know you are.” He’d turned back toward his packing.

“I shouldn’t have left. I should have stayed to talk to you.
I was…well, I was all scared and confused, but I know I handled it wrong.”

“That’s okay.” He sounded so empty. She hardly recognized
his voice.

“No, it’s not okay, if it’s making you leave.”

“It’s not making me leave,” Nick said with a long sigh. “It
just finally hit home that this is a losing battle for me, and I’m not going to
waste my energy anymore.”

Wasting his energy. That was how he felt about his relationship
with her.

She was as numb as she’d been last night, when she’d thought
he’d been killed. “Oh. Okay.”

“Maybe we can be friends again…later on. Maybe.” He sounded
cool, almost stilted, and he wasn’t looking at her as he packed. “But I’ve got
to get out of here, before it gets harder for me than it already is.”

Of course, he didn’t want it to be harder. He’d gotten into
this marriage because it was supposed to be easy. It wasn’t supposed to draw on
any of his emotional resources, and obviously it had.

She could understand it. It fit what she knew about him. But
it was so horrible she still couldn’t move.

She stared at a spot in the middle of the room and tried to
imagine what could happen after this moment.

“I’m sorry to just walk out like this,” Nick added, glancing
over at her and for the first time sounding slightly hoarse. “I know it’s an asshole
thing to do, but I’ve got to do it. Now.”

“I…I understand.” She took a few deep breaths. “You’re
allowed to leave any time you want. I’d never try to stop you.”

Of course, she would try to stop him, but she couldn’t do it
now. She’d come home tonight determined to be honest with him—even if it meant
stripping herself bare—but there was no way she could do that anymore.

She couldn’t possibly tell him how much she loved him when
he was about to walk out the door.

“I know our contract says—”

“Forget about the contract,” she interrupted. “You can leave
free and clear. Of course you can.”

He gave a brief nod and turned back to his suitcase. “Thank
you for that.”

“Don’t thank me. Don’t—don’t thank me.”

He looked at her over his shoulder. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because I’ve messed everything up.” She tried very hard to
sound calm as she spoke, but the words came out as almost a sob as the reality
started to hit home with her.

Nick’s head jerked to the side slightly, and he took a deep
breath before he spoke. “No, you haven’t. It’s not your fault, sweetheart. I
just keep hoping…” He gave his head a rough shake. “It’s my fault, for thinking
you might change.”

She understood everything then. He’d finally given up on
her, like she’d always known he would.

“Oh.” She swallowed hard. “I thought I…I
had
changed.”

“Yeah, but not in the ways I need.” He turned around to face
her fully. “This is my fault, Jenn. Not yours. This marriage worked for both of
us for three years, but it’s not working for me anymore. I need more.”

Of course he needed more. She’d always known he would. She’d
been a fool to think, even for a little while, that she could be enough for
him.

“I understand,” she managed to say. She was about to
completely fall apart, so she knew she had to end the conversation right now.
“Just let me know if you need anything from me. We can get the divorce going
right away.”

She couldn’t believe she’d actually managed to say such an appalling
thing.

“Okay,” he mumbled, turning away again.

She wanted to just leave, but she’d known and cared about
him for too long to just let things go like that. “I’ll miss you,” she said,
tears starting to stream down her face after all.

Nick didn’t see them, though. He didn’t even turn around.
“Me too.”

Jenn left the room, and then she ended up going back to work
after all.

***

At nine-thirty that evening, she was
staring at her computer in her office, trying desperately to focus on the words
on an email.

If she could just drown herself in work like she usually
could, then she could manage to get through this. But for the first time in her
life, it simply wasn’t working.

She kept fighting the urge to run back home and beg Nick to
stay.

Maybe that was what she should do. Her pride didn’t matter
as much as how much she needed him.

Maybe she should just find him and pour everything out after
all.

When her phone rang, she grabbed for it eagerly but was
disappointed when she saw it wasn’t Nick. Naturally he wouldn’t be calling her,
but her stupid heart didn’t seem to realize that.

The caller was Jack Watson. She hadn’t talked to him since
that lunch a few weeks ago, and she was surprised enough that she answered the
call, despite her mood.

“Hey,” he said in a friendly tone, after she answered. “What
are you up to?”

“I’m at work,” she admitted.

“Seriously? It’s almost ten o’clock.”

“I know. I…” She couldn’t find the energy to even finish the
sentence.

“What’s the matter?” Jack asked in a different tone. He was
a good-natured guy with an easy laugh, but he’d always been surprisingly
sensitive.

“It’s…nothing.”

“Trouble with the husband?”

She gave a little snort. That was one way to put it. “Yeah.”

“Well, that shouldn’t be too hard to fix. He’s crazy about
you.”

“Not really.”

“Yes, really. Are you blind?”

“No, I’m not blind. I know him really well. He wants things
to be…to be easy, and I’m just not easy. I’m not what he needs.”

“I’m not sure how you’ve convinced yourself of such a thing,
but it’s not like you to give up on something.”

“I’m not giving up.
He
is. He’s the one leaving
me
.”

Jack was silent for a moment. “Well, that’s kind of
surprising.”

Ridiculously, Jenn was slightly pleased that she’d stumped
him, if only momentarily.

After a minute of silence, Jack evidently found something to
say. “I don’t know what to tell you, except I’d bet all the money in my pocket
he doesn’t want to leave. So maybe you should try to get him to stay.”

“I was thinking about it, but I’m not going to pressure him
to—”

“I’m not talking about pressure. I’m talking about going to
find him and telling him how you feel, instead of sitting at work by yourself
and moping.”

She gasped. “I’m not moping.”

“My mistake,” he said with a laugh. “But think about it
anyway.”

She was thinking about it, just like she’d been thinking
about it before the call. And she suddenly realized she was absolutely stupid
for letting Nick walk away without even a fight.

They were good together. And maybe it was inevitable that he
would eventually leave her—just like she’d learned from hard experience that
everyone ended up doing—but she didn’t have to be okay with that.

No matter what Nick believed, she could change. Maybe their
marriage could change too.

“Okay,” she mumbled, not even sure which one of them had
spoken last.

Jack chuckled again. “I just called to say hello and touch
base, so you wouldn’t think the lunch was a one-off. But obviously you have
more important things to do right now. So you go find Nick and maybe give me a
call in a day or two to let me know how things went.”

“I will. Thanks.” She was already on her feet, gathering up
her stuff.

She was hurrying out the door as she disconnected the call.
She had to get home before Nick had finished packing.

If he’d already left, then she would have to find him.

No matter where he was, she was going to get to him tonight.

She burst into the apartment about
ten minutes later.

She tripped on her feet heading toward the hall, and she
almost collapsed in relief when she saw Nick’s bedroom light was lit.

He must still be here.

She was rushing so much she had to catch herself on the
doorframe when she reached his room.

Nick’s bedroom was normally a little sloppy—with clothes and
books strewn around haphazardly—so it looked eerily neat at the moment, with nothing
on the floor or surfaces and two packed suitcases near the door.

Nick himself sat on the foot of the bed, holding something
pink in his hands, his head lowered.

He looked so sad, burdened, defeated, that Jenn forgot the
careful speech she’d planned in her head on the way over. She ran over and sank
down in front of him on her knees, grabbing his hands around the fabric he was
holding.

“Oh, God, Nick,” she burst out, “Don’t leave me. Please
don’t leave me!”

He blinked a few times and slowly raised his head, as if he
weren’t quite sure what was happening. “Jenn,” he said in a cracked voice.

It felt like he was starting to explain himself, say he was
sorry but he just had to leave, and Jenn couldn’t let herself hear it. She kept
rambling on. “I’m so sorry about everything. I know it’s all my fault. You were
right about everything. You were right about me. I do always get scared when
things are too good. I do have trouble trusting that they can last. But I can
do better. I think I’m starting to do better. Just look at how far I’ve come in
the last two months. I know I can do better, if you give me a chance. Please
don’t give up on me yet.”

If she’d heard herself talk like this in her right mind, she
would have been mortified. She never laid it all out there like this. But she
was pushed so far in her fear of losing Nick that it didn’t even faze her.

He was staring at her like he couldn’t quite keep up.

“I know you said you need more than our marriage, but I
think I can give you more. I’m not going to hold back anymore, even if it means
you can break my heart. I trust you, Nick—more than I’ve ever trusted anyone.
And I love you so much I can’t seem to contain it in my body. Please, please
say you’re not going to leave me.”

“I’m not going to leave,” Nick said raspily, managing to get
a word in when she had to stop to take a breath.

“You’re better for me than anyone,” she went on, wiping a stray
tear off her cheek. “And I really think I can be good for you t—” She broke off
as her mind finally registered what Nick had just said. “Wait, what?”

Nick gave a familiar hint of a dry smile, his eyes softening
into a look that took her breath away. “I’m not going to leave,” he repeated.

She stared at him. Then turned her head to stare at the
suitcases. “But you’re all packed up.”

“I know. I
was
going to leave. But then I realized I
was just giving up, walking away from anything hard, like I’ve been doing for
way too long now. I don’t want to do that anymore. Not with anything, and
definitely not with you. I’d already decided to stay and fight for you, even if
it was a losing battle.”

She was so overwhelmed with shock and joy that she couldn’t
speak for a full thirty seconds. Then she finally panted, “You’re just saying
that because…because I’m on the floor like this, making a complete fool of
myself. You’re trying to make me feel better.”

He shook his head and adjusted his hands so he was gripping
hers. “No, I’m not. It’s absolutely true. I love you too, Jenn—so much it’s
been tearing me to pieces. And I can’t believe that, even for a moment, I was
going to give up on you.”

“You’ve never given up on me,” she whispered, more tears
sliding down her face now.

“And no matter how scared you’ve been, you’ve always come
back to me. Don’t think I don’t know. Don’t think I don’t know how hard that’s
been for you, how much it means.” His face twisted briefly for a moment, all
the proof she needed that he was completely sincere, in this all the way,
exactly like she was.

She sniffed and freed one of her hands so she could wipe her
face, and when she moved her hand back to clasp his again, she finally focused
on the pink fabric he’d been holding.

It was the little hoodie she’d put on over her pajamas last
night.

“Why are you holding this?” she asked, rather breathlessly.

“What?” He cleared his throat. “Oh, you left it here last
night, and I was just picking it up.”

She gasped and stiffened her spine. “No, you weren’t! You
were sitting here on the bed, holding it. Hugging it!” She raised a hand to
cover her mouth as she processed the little gesture and took in what it meant.

He narrowed his eyes. “I wasn’t hugging it. Give me a little
credit.”

“Then what were you doing with it?”

“I was…” He gave a huff of wry amusement. “I was…smelling
it. I was afraid I might have totally blown it with you, that if you thought
I’d decided to leave you one time, even if I changed my mind later, you’d never
trust me again.”

She choked on emotion and raised herself up on her knees so
she could wrap her arms around his neck. They hugged like that for a minute, urgently,
a little messily, since she was still shaking with stifled tears.

When they finally pulled apart, Nick’s face was sober again,
deep and focused. “Listen, Jenn. I want to make sure things are right between
us. Really right.” He found her left hand and slowly slid off both of her rings.

She made a choked sound and tried to grab them back.

“No, wait,” he said, grabbing her hand in his. “I’m going to
give them back to you. I promise. As soon as we know for sure that we’re in
this together forever.”

“I want it to be forever.”

“I do too. But we’ve managed to make a mess of it, so let’s
give us some time to see if we can do it for real.” He searched her face in
that way he had. “Is that all right?”

She nodded. “But you have to give me your ring too. It’s got
to go both ways.”

He pulled his ring off, staring at it in his hand for just a
moment before he offered it to her. She could see a suppressed reluctance on
his face—like he couldn’t stand to give it up—and it made her heart swell up
with more emotion, more joy.

“We’ll give them back,” she said, closing her hand around
his gold band.

“Yes, we’ll give them back.” He took a deep breath and
continued, “And there’s another thing.”

Despite her emotional upheavals, she couldn’t hold back a
little teasing smile. “You’ve really been sitting here thinking a lot of things
through, haven’t you?”

He laughed and cupped her face in one hand. “You have no
idea. But I think this is the last thing. I’ve been saving money like crazy for
the last two years.”

She frowned. “You have?”

“I know you thought I was a slacker who did as little as
possible, but I haven’t been. Not for the last two years anyway. I’ve been
working really hard, and I’ve been saving up my money, and I have about half of
what you gave me to pay off my loan.”

Suddenly realizing where he was going with this, she cut in,
“But, Nick, you don’t have to—”

“I want to. I want to pay you back. I’m not going to be a
husband who was bought and paid for.”

“No!” she gasped. “I promise I didn’t mean that! I don’t
give a damn about the money.”

“I know you don’t. This is all coming from me. I know you’re
always going to make way more money than I do, and that doesn’t bother me at
all. I want you to be everything you can be and fulfill all your ambitions—and
I know I’m never going to have ambitions that even come close. I’m totally fine
with all that. I really am.”

She frowned, since it seemed like he really meant it. “Then
why—”

“Because I did let myself be bought and paid for. It’s not
what you did. It’s what I did to myself. And I don’t want to have that be true
of me for the rest of my life.”

“But it doesn’t mean anything to me. If we’re really
married, then the money will be ours, not mine or yours. It’s just a gesture—”

“I know it’s just a gesture, but it’s a gesture I want to
make. For me. Please let me.”

She nodded and raised her hand to cover his on her face. “If
you really want to, of course you can. As long as you know it’s not anything I
care about. The only reason I said it this morning was because I was so hung up
on the fact that you only wanted to be with me for the money.”

“It was never because of the money. I wanted what I saw in
you from the moment we had that drink in that bar. I wanted all of that passion
and drive and energy and generosity and fierce heart. I wanted all of it. And
the longer I was with you, the more I wanted all of that focused on me.” He
paused briefly. “Not that I don’t want you passionate about other things you
love. I just want to be one of the things you love and pour yourself into.”

“You are,” she rasped, emotional again at his words, that
he’d seen something good in her that she hadn’t been aware of herself. “You
were right about me holding back, but I’m not going to do it anymore. You have
all of me.”

He lifted one of her hands and pressed a soft kiss on her
palm. “Good. That’s what I want.”

They stared at each other for a minute. And then he reached
down and hauled her up from her knees, hugging her with all the strength of the
kind heart he’d never been able to fully rein in. Then he kissed her, and she
kissed him back, and Jenn was half laughing and half crying when they finally
pulled away.

Nick nuzzled her neck. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m…really good.”

“Do you have a headache?”

“Actually, I do have a little one, but it’s just from so much
tension and excitement. I’m sure it will go away.”

“I can probably think of something we could do that would
help you relax.”

She giggled at his teasing tone. “Maybe. But I need to
recover a little bit first, and you need to take a shower. Then I need something
to eat. But after that, we might be able to do a little relaxing.”

He laughed for real. “It’s a deal.”

***

At just after midnight, they were
both breathless and full relaxed. They’d washed up, had a light dinner, and
then gone to bed to make love with a slow, deep tenderness that almost rivaled
the night before.

Now Jenn’s body and heart were fully sated, completely at
rest. She was still tangled up in Nick’s naked body, and she wouldn’t have it
any other way.

“I love you, sweetheart,” Nick murmured, stroking her hair
gently.

He’d told her so over and over again as he’d been kissing
and caressing her earlier, but she couldn’t seem to hear it enough. “I love you
too.” She felt a familiar flicker of fear—her old friend for a really long
time—but decided to admit it, thinking that might take away some of its power.
“I still get a little scared, thinking about what it might be like if I would
lose you. But I’m in this completely now. I promise.”

“That’s all I would ever ask. Just tell me any time you’re afraid—of
anything at all—and we can work it out together.”

“Yeah.” She smiled against his chest. “That sounds good to
me.”

They lay in silence for several minutes, and Jenn actually
thought Nick might be going to sleep. But when she felt him adjusting beneath
her, she asked, “So did anything ever happen with that new lead on your case?
With the accident and all the emotional stuff, I never did hear if you found
something.”

“Oh. Yeah. I did. I think she’s in Chicago.”

“Really? Wow. So are you going to fly down there to check it
out?”

“Yes. As soon as I can.”

“Like tomorrow, you mean? Or were you thinking of waiting
until next week?”

“I’d like to go tomorrow—or it would be later today now, I
guess—if that’s all right with you. I know it’s kind of anti-climactic, to
leave you like that just when we got everything worked out. But I really want
to find her, and I hate to wait any longer.”

“Of course you shouldn’t wait. You should definitely go
right away.”

Nick lifted his head, and she realized he was checking her
expression, to see if she was serious.

“I mean it,” she said, completely sincere. “I don’t mind at
all if you go. We have plenty of time.”

He smiled, as if what she’d said meant something really
special to him.

“But if you’re there for more than a week, I’m going to come
visit you on the weekend.”

“That’s sounds like an excellent plan. But don’t think you
can sneak in extra work, just because I’m out of town. Our deal still applies.
If you work later than six, then you’ll lose your massage privileges for a
week.”

She gasped. “That was never our deal! That’s a much meaner
deal than we ever had.”

“Yeah, but you’re getting a lot better about not
over-working, so I figured it’s time to raise the stakes.”

“Asshole.”

He chuckled and tightened his arms in a little hug. “Hey,
you’re the one who married me.”

Jenn smiled against his shoulder. “Yes, I did.”

***

Two weeks, Jenn got home at exactly
six o’clock. She’d actually managed to leave work earlier than six today, but
Nick wasn’t here to applaud her.

He was still in Chicago.

She had flown out to see him over the weekend, but it still
felt like he’d been gone forever. He was making real progress though. Every day
he’d found new leads, so she was hopeful he’d find the girl soon.

She really hoped so. For the girl’s sake and her parents.
For Nick’s sake. And for her own sake too.

She wanted her husband back.

She dropped her purse and case on the floor and looked
around the neat, beautifully decorated apartment. It was lovely and familiar,
with everything in its place, but it felt lonely and empty without Nick.

She decided a glass of wine and a bath was what she needed
to reward herself for leaving work early. Then she’d try to call Nick and see
how he was doing.