May the Best Man Win (26 page)

His chest hurt thinking about
all that time
. Thinking about the melancholy in his dad's eyes when he didn't know Jase was looking. About the sound of his father's laugh when he'd walked in on them a few months back. About the time wasted.

She might have been back ten years ago, if only she'd been brave enough to ask for the chance.

“What changed?” He needed to know. To understand.

“About a year ago, I'd moved to a new city in Ohio and called your father. I don't really know what happened, but the conversation just…got away from us. It was good. And when we were getting off the phone, I didn't want it to end. I asked if I could call him again, and we started talking more regularly. He wanted to hear about my life. I wanted to hear about both of yours. We would talk about my work and his. We would talk about you.”

Jase's throat was tight, his heart pounding. “You became friends.”

She nodded. “And then one day he asked me if I had ever found what I was looking for. He wanted to know if I was happy. I told him that I'd found peace with my choices and that I'd built a life I could respect. I told him I had friends and I kept busy. And I almost left it at that… But after all the years of missing what I'd given up, I just couldn't do it. I had to take the risk and trust Joe with the truth—that a part of me had been empty since the day I left.”

Now Jase was grinning. “And?”

“And he asked me if I would let him take me out on a date.” A light began to shine in her eyes, and for the first time in more than twenty years, Jase saw her smile. And he got it, just a little bit. This hold she had on his father. “Maybe give it one more shot now that we're both older and wiser. I was living in Ohio, so the next Saturday we each hopped in our cars and drove to Indiana, where we had coffee. We met that way six more times before your father asked me if I would like to come up for a weekend.”

Jase hadn't had a clue. “And the rest is history.”

“Well, we took our time, but I guess you could say that.” She paused and turned toward the front door as though looking for his father. “We were going to tell you, Jase. It's just that this thing was so new, and we were both so nervous. Neither one of us wanted to bring you into it until we felt confident about going forward.”

Jase pinched the bridge of his nose. “So are you guys talking about getting married again?”

His mother laughed, the sound of it sweet and warm as she reached across to pat his hand. “Your dad told me that for a kid who never wanted to get married, you sure spend a lot of time at weddings. Haven't you had enough?”

Jase shrugged, not sure he knew the answer to that himself.

A moment passed and Clara's smile faded, her eyes going somber.

“I know it's too late for me to be your mom. I know I gave up that privilege twenty years ago. But please know that I love you. I always asked your father about you. I always wanted to know. I just thought it would be easier for you if I…” She shrugged. “I did what I thought was best. And if it's something you can't forgive me for, then I'll respect that. But I hope in time you'll give me a chance to get to know the man you've turned out to be. I hear you're pretty great.”

Things were finally beginning to come around. Two days after their
Scandal
binge sleepover, Sally called bubbling over with the kind of gushing enthusiasm Emily hadn't heard since her friend had first met Romeo. He'd asked if he could stay for dinner that night. She'd said it had been awkward, the conversation stilted and the silences filled with all the things they weren't ready to talk about—but
he'd been there
.

And that was the start Sally had been praying for.

The next night Romeo had asked if they could try to talk about what happened, and Wednesday morning Sally had called to report that their fight had been a blowout lasting until after midnight—but
they'd been talking
, and before he left, he'd told her he loved her.

For a few hours after that, Emily had been able to forget about her own problems and just be happy for her friend.

But soon enough she was back to thinking about Jase. Wondering about all the things that could have been different and how they might have found their way to an ending happier than this one. Work helped, but only as long as she kept going. Which was why at 2:11 a.m. on a Thursday—no, now Friday morning—Emily was drafting a pitch her team wouldn't even meet on until next week.

Busy
was good. But as her finger strokes slowed on the keyboard, her mind drifted back to Jase and the sound of his gruff laugh at her ear, the feel of his arms tightening around her waist as he pulled her against him—she was reminded that busy wasn't always enough.

Of course that might have had something to do with finding out that afternoon her friend Kasie was engaged, and Emily was about ninety percent sure that Jase qualified as groomsman material for Vince.

She pushed up from her sofa and walked over to the windows where she tried to stretch out her shoulders and back. The streets below were quiet, with only a smattering of pedestrians and traffic at a minimum.

Had Jase found out about the engagement today too? Did he remember that she and Kasie were close? What would happen when they were paired up and she found out that Jase had already moved on to his next girlfriend?

Emily wrapped her arms across her belly, holding herself tight as she fought the nausea that rose at the mere thought of Jase with another woman. Kissing her. Holding her. Making her laugh and feel like maybe, just maybe…
This one
.

That was it. She was driving herself crazy, and the work wasn't helping. Stalking over to her closet, she was reaching for a parka when she caught sight of her button-down pink plaid pajamas in the mirror. Not exactly gym wear, and a hard workout that didn't include running was maybe the only thing left with the potential to clear her mind and wear her out enough to facilitate sleep. About to go change, she stopped at the ping of her phone.

A text message.

Her heart skipped a beat as she rushed back to the coffee table where she'd left her phone, way too enthusiastic about the prospect of some work emergency she would legitimately have to throw herself into. Only the text wasn't from any of her team reports. It wasn't from a client, and it wasn't from her boss.

Jase.

Coffee?

So that would be a yes on Jase already knowing about the engagement.

She'd told him she didn't want him stopping by. That it hurt too much. But she didn't think anything could feel worse than walking away from him on Saturday had. And if they were going to have to see each other again anyway…

She texted back:
Now?

Two and a half seconds later, Jase was calling. She answered on the first ring.

“I didn't think you'd be awake,” he said by way of greeting, the deep rumble of his voice both soothing and disconcerting. But mostly just good to hear. “I was hoping we could talk.”

It was probably a good idea. She could keep it brief. Limit it to the wedding.

“What are you doing awake?” she asked instead, circling around to her sofa and dropping into the corner that hadn't felt nearly so comfortable ten minutes before. “You sound tired.”

“I could ask you the same thing, only I don't really care why you're up—just that you are. That you answered.” A pause. “Look, Em, I know you asked me to stay away, but I'd really like to talk to you sometime. Which sounds like bullshit even as I say it, because you don't owe me anything. But I just—”

The sound of a horn filtered through the line and Emily sat up straighter.

“Are you
out
?” Then she sat straighter still, her stomach pitching. “Jase, have you been drinking?”

Her answer was the sound of Jase's laughter rumbling through the line. God, she'd missed it.

“No. I just couldn't sleep and went out for a walk. I found myself in your neighborhood and… I don't know. I guess I thought a text wouldn't be too intrusive. Especially if you got it in the morning when you woke up.” He chuckled again. “My mistake.”

He was making light, turning something awkward into a joke, but she could hear the serious undertones beneath the words. Sense a regret that matched her own.

“I could make a pot of coffee.”

She hated how they'd left things, and maybe what they needed was just a chance to talk. To say good-bye in a way that wasn't quite so heartbreaking, so when they saw each other again at the next party or wedding or bumped into each other on the street, neither would feel like they had to run the other way.

So she wouldn't feel like bursting into tears.

“Yeah, I'd like that.”

* * *

She was standing at the door, holding it open, when Jase stepped off the elevator, and she was grateful for those panels of solid wood to support her, because when she saw him… Wow, he looked good. So good that she regretted not having thought to lose the ratty bun, because this business with the sneakers, long-sleeved white T-shirt, and pair of worn jeans that rode the perfect level of low on his hips… No one was supposed to look like that.

And when she'd finally braved up enough, she forced her eyes back to his face, taking in the rough stubble covering his jaw and throat, and the lines that looked just a little deeper around his eyes and mouth.

This was definitely a mistake. But being this close, right and wrong faded to the background and all that mattered was how badly she needed to see this man.

Jase stepped up to her, his big hand settling at her waist only long enough for him to drop a kiss at her temple and walk past into her apartment.

Emily shut the door behind her.

“So I started thinking that if neither of us can sleep already, maybe coffee isn't the best option. I can make it, but I do still have that bottle of Bulleit, if bourbon sounds better. Up to you,” she added, feeling nervous about having Jase back in her space. About being this close to him after—well, after everything.

“Actually, a drink sounds great.”

“You know where it is. Grab a glass for me too?”

“Got it,” he replied, the exchange painfully familiar.

Emily had already cleared her makeshift office from the couch, but she felt at loose ends, not knowing what to do with herself now that Jase was there. Now that they were going to sit down for a friendly chat—at two a.m. while she was wrapped up in her pj's and bulky robe. So for the sake of looking busy, she moved everything again from the secretary table by the window over to the dining room.

Jase stepped out of the kitchen, two glasses in hand.

She expected him to take the couch opposite hers, but instead, he moved to sit beside her.

It wasn't weird.

She was being weird.

Because even with at least eighteen inches between them, she could still feel the air crackling in that empty space.

Jase handed her a glass and she took a hearty swallow, having forgotten that while she enjoyed a bourbon from time to time, she wasn't built for gulping it. Coughing into her hand, she tried to wave Jase off when he rubbed at her back and let out another low laugh.

“Slow down, slugger. It's not Gatorade.”

She shook her head. “I know. Nervous, I guess.”

The hand at her back stilled, and then it was gone and Jase was putting another couple of inches between them. “Maybe this was a mistake. Em, I can go.”

“No, you're here,” she assured him. “Stay.”

It was better to get this out of the way.

Jase seemed to be trying to read her face, but then he nodded. “I'm sorry about the other night at the party. I haven't really been myself since we split up. It's no excuse. I shouldn't have been all over you like that.”

“I might have overreacted. I just wasn't expecting to see you there.”

“I should have warned you, done something so you would be prepared. I shouldn't have been so pushy… If you can believe it, I actually started out with closure in mind.”

“Closure?” She laughed. “Wow, that's quite a wrong turn.”

Jase smiled. “Tell me about it. And then it was just this eruption of words. The stench of desperation.” He rubbed a palm across his jaw, the amusement leaving his eyes. “The acute awareness that letting you go was killing me.”

Not trusting her own emotions, she closed her eyes. “Jase.”

“I know. I did this. We're where we are because of me. Because I wasn't man enough to take the risk that mattered most. And worse than that, I couldn't even see what I was doing or what it was going to cost me. I was wrong.” She looked back to him then, the pain in his eyes making her ache almost as much as the words themselves. “But what you said, Em, you were wrong too.”

Wrong to let herself get in too deep? “To fall in love with you?”

It had never been part of the plan.

And knowing what she did about Jase, it had been a reckless gamble she never should have taken.

“No. Christ, not that.
Never
that.”

“Then what?”

“I'm talking about what you said the other night—about falling in love with a lie,” he answered gruffly. “I swear to you, what we had wasn't a lie. We were real. So right that I didn't know how to handle it. The only lie was the one I told myself.”

Breath held, she waited for him to explain.

No more risks. No more exposing her hopes and vulnerabilities.

“I let myself hold on to the idea that you'd been unfaithful because it meant I didn't have to trust you completely. Because it gave me an
excuse
to hold back just that much. So if in the end, somehow, you turned out to be like my mom, I could pretend it wouldn't be the world-shattering devastation it most definitely would be. So I could say I'd known what I was getting into and maybe not feel like such a fool.”

There was her answer.

Heartbreaking as it was, now she understood.

Only what good did it do her—or either of them—now? There wasn't any solace in knowing she'd never had a chance. That the woman who'd created this amazing man had damaged him in such a significant way, he was incapable of trust.

Emily sat back. Maybe she wanted that drink after all.

After another sip, one that didn't leave her breathing fire, and then another after that, she closed her eyes, wishing so much that things could have been different between them. At any stage along the way.

“That's…very sad, Jase,” she whispered.

“It's going to change. I'm through letting a bunch of twenty-year-old bullshit dictate my life.” He turned so he was facing her, one knee on the floor as he took her hands in his. He looked up at her, determination burning in his eyes. “I love you, Emily. And I'm going to fight for you. I'm going to fight for
us
.”

She shook her head, tears filling her eyes.

Because she knew better. She was through with destructive relationships.

“It's too late, Jase.”

The muscle in his jaw flexed but he didn't look away.

“It might be,” he answered, the words sounding pained. “I'm the one who keeps screwing up. I'm the one who keeps making mistakes, and the worst of them was making you feel like there wasn't any room for you to make a few along the way. So if I can't change your mind, I'll understand. But
I have to try, Em
.”

“I don't want to hurt you, Jase,” she whispered, meaning it with all her heart. There'd been too much pain between them already.

“And I don't want to be the kind of man who lets the best thing that ever happened to him go, because he wasn't willing to take a risk.”

She didn't know if she had it in her. One more risk. Putting her heart on the line for the one man with the power to break it.

“What do you want?”

“A chance, Em.” He swallowed. “Just a chance to show you I'm the kind of man you deserve.”

Just a chance. It sounded like such a small thing.

“And if I say no?”

Jase closed his eyes and shook his head as if bracing himself for the words to come. “Then I'll kiss your cheek at the next wedding. I'll make you laugh and smile while we have our dance. And when it's over, I'll walk you back to your date. But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm going to iron-hand him and threaten his life if he doesn't treat you the way I wish I'd been able to.”

A small laugh broke through the tears that had started to fall.

Jase brushed her cheeks with his thumbs, and when she looked into his face so close to hers…her world shook just a little.

Slowly, he put the space back between them.

“In short, I'll respect your decision. Because more than anything I want you to be happy.”

God, she could barely remember what it had been like. Except she knew that before all this, she had been. She'd been happier with Jase than she'd been in her whole life. Right up until—

“Romeo.” She was afraid to ask. “What have you been telling Romeo?”