Maybe Someday (20 page)

He actually looks like a little bit of all three, and it makes me hurt for him. When I first met him, he seemed to have everything together. Now that I’ve gotten to know him better, I’m beginning to think that’s not the case. The guy standing in front of me right now looks as if his life is a mess, and I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface.

Ridge: I’m still a little behind on work, but I should be caught up by tonight. If you feel like running through a new song, you know where to find me.

Me: Sounds good. I have an afternoon study group, but I’ll be back by seven.

He smiles halfheartedly and heads to his room. I know I’m beginning to understand most of his expressions. The one he just shot me was definitely a look of nervousness.

Ridge

I assumed she didn’t feel like writing tonight when she didn’t show, and I told myself I was okay with that.

However, it’s a few minutes past eight, and my light just flickered. I can’t ignore the rush of adrenaline pumping through me. I tell myself my body is having the reaction it’s having because I’m passionate about writing music, but if that were the case, why don’t I get this excited when I write alone? Or with Brennan?

I close my eyes and gently lay my guitar next to me while inhaling a steady breath. It’s been weeks since we’ve done this. Since the night she let me hear her sing and it completely changed the dynamic of our working relationship.

That’s not her fault, though. I’m not even sure if it’s my fault. It’s nature’s fault, because attraction is an ugly beast, and I’ll be damned if I don’t conquer it.

I can do this.

I open the door to my bedroom and step aside while she comes in with her notebook and her laptop. She walks confidently toward the bed and drops down onto it, then opens her laptop. I sit back down and open mine.

Sydney: I couldn’t pay attention in class today, because all I wanted to do was write lyrics. I wouldn’t let myself write any, though, because it comes so much better when you play. I’ve missed this. I didn’t think I would like it at first, and it made me nervous, but I love writing lyrics. Love, love, love it. Let’s go, I’m ready.

She’s smiling at me and giddily patting her palms against the mattress.

I smile back as I lean against the headboard and begin playing the opening to a new song I’ve been working on. I haven’t finished it yet, but I’m hoping that with her help, we’ll make some headway tonight.

I play the song several times, and she watches me some of the time, then writes some of the time. She uses her hands to tell me to pause or back up or move on to the next chorus or to restart the song altogether. I keep a close eye on her while I play, and we continue this dance for more than an hour. She does a lot of scratching out and makes a heck of a lot of faces that I’m not sure convey that she’s having any fun.

She eventually sits up and tears the paper out of the notebook, then wads it up and tosses it into the trash can. She slaps her notebook shut and shakes her head.

Sydney: I’m sorry, Ridge. Maybe I’m just exhausted, but it’s not clicking right now. Can we try this again tomorrow night?

I nod, doing my best to hide my disappointment. I don’t like seeing her frustrated. She takes her laptop and notebook and starts to walk back toward her bedroom. She turns back around and mouths, “Good night.”

As soon as she disappears, I’m off the bed and digging through the trash can. I pull out her wadded-up sheet of paper and take it back to my bed and unfold it.

Watching him from here

So far away

Want him closer than my heart can take

I want him here I want

Maybe one of these days Someday

There are random sentences, some marked out, some not. I read all of them, attempting to work my way around them.

I’d run to him, if I could stand

But I can’t make that demand

I can’t be his right now

Why can’t he take me away

Reading her words feels like an invasion of her privacy. But is it? Technically, we’re in this together, so I should be able to read what she’s writing as she writes it.

But there’s something different about this song. It’s different because this song doesn’t sound like it’s about Hunter.

This song sounds a little like it could be about me.

I shouldn’t be doing this. I should not be picking up my phone right now, and I should definitely not be contemplating how to persuade her to help me finish this song tonight.

Me: Don’t be mad, but I’m reading your lyrics. I think I know where your frustration is coming from.

Sydney: Could it be coming from the fact that I suck at writing lyrics and a few songs is all I had in me?

I pick up my guitar and head to her bedroom. I knock and open her door, assuming she’s still decent since she just left my room two minutes ago. I walk to her bed and sit, then grab her notebook and pen and place her lyrics on top of the notebook. I write a note and hand it to her.

You have to remember the band you’re writing lyrics for is all guys. I know it’s hard to write from a male point of view, since you’re obviously not male. If you stop writing this song from your own point of view and try to feel it from a different point of view, the lyrics might come. Maybe it’s been hard because you know a guy will be singing it, but the feelings are coming from you. Just flip it around and see what happens.

She reads my note, then picks up the pen and shifts back on her bed. She looks at me and nods her head toward my guitar, indicating that she’ll give it a try. I scoot off the bed and onto the floor, then stand my guitar upright and pull it against my chest. When I’m working out chords to a new song, it helps to play this way sometimes so I can feel the vibrations more clearly.

I close my eyes, lean my head against the guitar, and begin playing.

11.

Sydney

Oh, God. He’s doing that thing again. The mesmerizing thing.

When I’ve seen him play his guitar like this in the past, it was before I knew he couldn’t hear himself play. I thought maybe he just played this way to get a different angle on the strings, but now I know he does it so he can feel the music better. I don’t know why, but knowing this makes me love watching him even more.

I should probably be working on the lyrics, but I watch him play the entire song without once opening his eyes. When he finishes, I quickly glance down to my notebook, because I know he’s about to open his eyes and look up at me. I pretend I’m writing, and he flips his guitar around the correct way, then leans back against my dresser and begins playing the song again.

I focus on the lyrics and think about what he said. Ridge was right. I wasn’t thinking about the fact that a guy would be singing them. I was focused on pouring my feelings onto paper. I close my eyes and try to picture Ridge singing the song.

I try to imagine what it would be like to be honest about what I’m feeling for him and use that to take the lyrics a little further. I open my eyes and cross out the first line of the song, then begin rewriting the first verse.

Watching him from here

Seeing something from so far away

Get a little closer every day

Thinking that I want to make it mine

I think the real reason I’m not able to write tonight is that every line that ends up on paper is about Ridge, and I know Ridge will be able to see through it. He pulled the lyrics out of the trash and already read through them, so he has to have an idea. Still . . . he’s here, wanting me to finish the song. I focus on the second verse and try to keep his advice in mind.

I’d run to him you if I could stand

But I can’t make that demand

What I want I can’t demand

Cuz what I want is you

I continue to go through the lyrics on the page, crossing out the old lines and changing them up as Ridge plays the song several times.

If I could be his, I would wait

And if I can’t be yours now

I’ll wait here on this ground

Till you come, till you take me away

Maybe someday

Maybe someday

The page becomes messy and hard to read, so I set it aside and open my notebook to rewrite everything. Ridge stops playing for a few minutes while I transfer everything onto the new page. When I look up at him, he points to the page, wanting to read what I’ve written. I nod.

He walks to the bed and sits next to me, leaning in toward me to read what I’ve got so far.

I’m extremely aware that he might see right through the lyrics and know they have more to do with him than with Hunter, which causes panic to course through my veins. He pulls the notebook closer to him, but it’s still on my lap. His shoulder is pressed to mine, and his face is so close he could probably feel my breath against his cheek . . . if I were breathing. I force my eyes to fall where his have, onto the lyrics rewritten across the page on my lap.

Trying to ignore the things you say

You turn to me

I turn away

Hurts to see you every day

Smell your perfume on my bed

Thoughts of you invade my head

Truths are written, never said

Ridge picks up the pen and marks through the last line, then tilts his head to face me. He points the pen at himself and makes a writing motion in the air, indicating that he wants to change something.

I nod, full of nerves and fear that he doesn’t like it. He presses his pen to the paper, next to the lyrics he crossed out. He pauses for a few seconds before writing and slowly turns to face me again. His expression is full of trepidation, and I’m curious about what’s causing it. His eyes fall from mine, slowly grazing over me until his attention is back on the page. He inhales and carefully exhales, then begins writing the new lyrics under the old line.

Hurts to see you every day

Cupid shut his eyes and shot me twice