Mayor Hubble Is in Trouble! (4 page)

“Kissing babies is part of running for
office, A.J.,” said Michael. “You
have
to do it.”

“Why?” I asked. “Babies can't vote.”

“You don't want to kiss my baby?” asked the lady. She looked all sad.

“A.J., it will look bad if you don't kiss the baby,” said Ryan. “You're going to lose the election, and Andrea will be president.”

“And if you don't kiss the baby,” said Neil, “that means you love Andrea.”

“I do not!” I protested.

“Kiss it, A.J.,” said Alexia.

I looked at the baby. The baby looked at me. It was drooling. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I wished I could just run away to Antarctica and live with the penguins.

I kissed the baby.

And when I leaned over to kiss the baby, I'm pretty sure I smelled something. Something bad.

“I think the baby pooped!” I yelled.

Ugh, disgusting! I thought I was gonna die.

Later that day, Mayor Hubble showed up in the playground at recess. Man, ever since he got out of jail, that guy sure has a lot of time on his hands! The gang and me were playing on the monkey bars when the mayor came over.

“It's time to go on the stump, A.J.”

“Do you want me to stand on a tree that was cut down?”

“Not
that
kind of stump,” Mayor Hubble said.
*
“I mean you've got to campaign for votes.”

Andrea was standing on the top of the swing set nearby. A bunch of kids were gathered on the ground listening to her talk.

“When I'm president of the third grade,” Andrea said, “I promise there will be plenty of pencils and paper and glue sticks and scissors and crayons in every class. Ella
Mentry School will be the best school in the state!”

“Yay!” Everybody was cheering.

The gang turned to look at me.

“What are
you
going to promise to do when
you're
president, A.J.?” asked Mayor Hubble.

“How should I know?”

“Andrea is making all kinds of promises,” said Ryan, “so you've got to make some promises too if you want to win.”

“What kind of promises?” I asked.

“It doesn't matter,” said Mayor Hubble. “As long as you get the kids to vote for you.”

I climbed up on the top of the monkey bars.

“Attention, third graders!” I shouted. “I have an important announcement.”

All the kids who were listening to Andrea came over to the monkey bars.

“When I'm president of the third grade,” I shouted, “I promise there will be no more homework!”

“Yay!” Everybody started chanting, “No more homework!”

Andrea had on her mean face.

“I have an important announcement,” she shouted. Some of the kids went back over to her. “When I'm president, we will have fewer fire drills. That way we'll be able to spend more time learning.”

“Yay!”

“Can you possibly be any more boring?” I shouted to Andrea. “When I'm president, we'll have
more
fire drills! In fact, we'll have a fire drill
every
day! With
real
fires!”

“Yay!”

Andrea looked madder than ever. The kids didn't know if they should listen to her or me, so they started running back and forth between us.

“When I'm president,” Andrea shouted, “every student in the school will get their own iPad! You won't have to carry a heavy backpack anymore, because all your books will be on the iPad!”

“Yay!”

“When I'm president,” I shouted, “there will be a video game system built into every desk in the school!”

“Yay!”

“When I'm president,” Andrea shouted, “the water fountains will be filled with lemonade!”

“Yay!”

“When I'm president,” I shouted, “every day will be a snow day, even if there's no snow! And we're going to have
rain
days too! After all, rain is just extremely wet snow.”

“Yay!”

“And furthermore,” I shouted, “we're going to take all the hard words out of the dictionary. And we're going to abolish anything higher than the five times table. Kids will no longer have to sit in the corner when they misbehave. We're going
to make all the classrooms round, so there will be no corners! And all the teachers will be fired and replaced by comic book superheroes!”

“Yay!”

“Top
that,
Andrea!” I shouted. “In your face!”

Andrea was really mad! It looked like she couldn't think of anything else to promise.

“If you vote for
me
,” she finally shouted, “I'll give each of you … a dollar!”

“Gasp!” everybody gasped. Then they started cheering.

“Yay!”

“If you vote for
me
,” I shouted, “I'll give
you
two
dollars!”

“Yay!”

“I'll give you
three
dollars, and a candy bar!” shouted Andrea.

“Yay!”

We went back and forth like that for a while. Making promises is fun!

The next day was the worst day in the history of the world. It was my turn to bring home Mr. Wiggles—Neil the nude kid's disgusting pet ferret.

“Have fun with Mr. Wiggles,” Mr. Granite said when the bell rang.

“Have fun with Mr. Wiggles,” said Ryan.

“Have fun with Mr. Wiggles,” said Emily.

In case you were wondering, everybody was telling me to have fun with Mr. Wiggles. The only one who didn't say that was Neil, who told me to be sure to take care of Mr. Wiggles. He gave me some ferret food.

Ferrets are gross. I had to carry the cage home from school with me.

“He's adorable!” said my older sister, Amy. “Can I hold him?”

“Just be careful,” I told her. “If Mr. Wiggles escapes, I'm in big trouble.”

Amy picked up Mr. Wiggles and was rocking him in her arms like he was a baby. He didn't like it, and he started
trying to hop back and forth.

“He's doing the weasel war dance,” I told her. “That means he's excited. You'd better stop playing with him.”

Amy put Mr. Wiggles back in his cage.

“How do you wash a ferret?” Amy asked.

“I guess you put it in a washing machine,” I said. “Then you dry it in a microwave oven.”

“You do not, A.J.!”

My mom forced me to keep Mr. Wiggles in my bedroom all night. It was creepy. He just sat in his cage and stared at me.

I closed my eyes for a while, and when I opened them again, Mr. Wiggles was still staring at me with those beady little ferret
eyes. It was hard to sleep.

“I like penguins,” I whispered to Mr. Wiggles. “Do you have any penguin friends?”

Mr. Wiggles didn't answer. He just stared at me.

“Penguins are cool,” I told him. “I wish you were a penguin. You would be my best friend.”

Mr. Wiggles just sat there and stared at me some more. He was boring.

I decided that when I'm president of the third grade, the first thing I'll do is cancel Adopt-A-Pet Month. And I will ban ferrets from Ella Mentry School forever.

“You are ugly,” I whispered to Mr. Wiggles.

Mr. Wiggles just stared at me.

“You are a dumbhead,” I said.

Mr. Wiggles stared at me some more.
He doesn't even understand English.

“When I count to three, sit there and do nothing,” I said. “One … two … three.”

Mr. Wiggles just stared at me. Wow, that was amazing! I had taught him a trick!

Mr. Wiggles wasn't that much fun to be around, but I had a good time insulting a ferret.