Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (2 page)

12
Basic Bits of Information about Darren Jacobs

1.
 Fifteen years old

2.
 Five feet six and a half inches

3.
 181 pounds

4.
 White

5.
 Brown curly hair

6.
 Brown eyes

7.
 November 29

8.
 20/25 right eye, 20/20 left eye

9.
 Right-handed

10.
 Youngest of two boys

11.
 Jewish

12.
 Virgin

1
Fantasy That Darren First Had All of a Sudden One Night When He Couldn't Sleep but That He Now Thinks about a Lot on Purpose, Especially When He's Trying to Fall Asleep

1.
 Darren is lying down on the floor and takes a knife, or somehow there is just this knife moving through the air, and the knife pierces his skin right in the center of his forehead. It hurts, because the knife is cutting into his skin, but it doesn't hurt as much as you'd think, more like a very big pinprick, plus it doesn't bleed a whole lot either. Sort of like how a paper cut bleeds. And then the knife slowly starts moving straight down his forehead, cutting along the length of his nose and then over his mouth and his chin, cutting about a half inch into him. The knife is incredibly sharp, so sharp that the skin falls open without any real effort, which somehow makes it hurt a lot less, plus it turns out that right below his skin there isn't really anything, just air really, so the knife can keep going easily, down past his neck and straight through his gigantic chest.

By the time the knife gets to just below the level of his heart, he can feel the cut-open skin starting to fall away, or fall open. Like the way the travel bag his mom uses—the one with the zipper running right down the middle—folds open. This doesn't hurt at all; it actually feels incredibly good, like he can now breathe for the first time in two or three years, and by the time the knife is cutting down below his belly button, Darren begins to sit up. He pulls his new skinny arms out from inside his old flabby arms and then removes himself from his old self. Like the way you get out of a sleeping bag. He stands up and looks down at the skin and all that fat still connected to it. New Darren stands there and looks down at old Darren motionless on the floor.

3
Pieces of Evidence Darren Quickly Gathers After Waking Up That Prove He Wasn't Dreaming Before

1.
 Someone is downstairs in the kitchen

2.
 Humming what sounds like “The Girl from Ipanema,” which would mean it's his dad

3.
 Whose dark blue Morris Minor Darren can see parked in the driveway. It's kind of a sweet car, but there's something about the combination of it and his dad that embarrasses Darren but doesn't exactly surprise him, which only embarrasses him more.

6
Reasons Darren's Parents Got Divorced, If Darren Had to Guess

1.
 His dad got really weird and started talking differently until his mom just couldn't take it anymore.

2.
 Around the time his mom sold N.D. Design and started going to California a bunch, her work definitely became the most important thing in her life.

3.
 His mom probably hooked up with some guys out in California, because his parents probably weren't doing it together anymore, because that's what Nate told him, though Darren isn't sure if she probably hooked up with all those guys because his parents weren't doing it anymore, or the other way around.

4.
 Nate went off to college, so Darren was the only kid in the house, which made it really easy for his parents to see that pretty soon there wouldn't be any kids in the house, even though Darren was still only in ninth grade. And since he's pretty quiet and doesn't cause much trouble, it was already kind of easy for them to see what it would be like to have no kids in the house, and they could tell that they weren't going to want to be married anymore once that happened, so why wait?

5.
 One day his mom suddenly said they should all move to California. His dad said he didn't want to. His mom asked his dad to think about it, to please consider it. So he tried to, but in the end he said he didn't think he could. His mom wasn't satisfied with that response, meaning they kept talking about it on and off, for weeks and maybe even months. But not talking, actually, at least not when it got into months. It was more like arguing then. They argued about California and his dad's work and what would be best for Darren and Nate and the whole family until Darren started wondering if the pros of being deaf might actually outweigh the cons.

6.
 Their cats, Chick and Dell, got old and started peeing on everything and ruined the couch in the den and most of his mom's shoes and the rug by the entrance, until one day his mom said, “I swear to God, if they piss on one more thing I'm going to put them down.”

To which his dad said, “You'll do nothing of the sort.”

So Darren and his dad took Chick and Dell to the vet the next day, where for about three hundred dollars the vet gave them all sorts of medications and ideas that she said should help. And she was right, because for about three months nothing happened, until one night Darren heard his mom screaming about an outfit she left on the floor of the closet that cost her a fortune, and then there was a lot more screaming, his dad yelling, “You will not!” and his mom yelling back, “Try and stop me!” and they kept arguing for what seemed like forever.

When Darren came home from school the next day, he noticed that Dell didn't come to the front door, which he usually did when Darren got home, so Darren checked the whole house but couldn't find him or Chick anywhere, which, even if his mom totally meant what she had said the night before was weird, because she flew to California early that morning. She was packing for her trip and that was why she found the ruined outfit, which she couldn't have worn anyway, since even if it hadn't been peed on would still have had to go to the cleaner.

But none of that really mattered now, because the last room Darren thought to check was his parents' bedroom. When he opened the door he found his dad lying on the bed, awake, his face red because he was still crying a little bit. He was just lying there with a glass of wine in his hand and an empty bottle on the nightstand next to him.

Even though Darren still would have found out eventually, he suddenly wished with all his might that he had gone over to Nicky Smith's house after school, because then at least maybe when he did get home his dad wouldn't have been drunk and crying and saying over and over, “I'm sorry, Darren, I'm so sorry,” while Darren just stood there wondering how two cats, two parents, and one brother had so quickly become just one parent and him, despite the fact that he never really thought that much about the cats most of the time, though he did sort of like how Dell used to greet him at the front door whenever he came home.

1
Nickname Based on His Initials That Darren Tried Halfheartedly to Get People to Use Instead of “Darren” but That Even Nate Wouldn't Call Him Because It Might Be a Very Cool Nickname, but It Doesn't Fit Darren at All

1.
 DJ

7
Standard Ingredients in Darren's Daily Wardrobe

1.
 Dark blue low-top Chuck Taylor All Stars (size 10
¹
/
₂
)

2.
 White sweat socks with either one or two blue or green or red stripes near the top

3.
 Blue jeans (36W, 30L)

4.
 No belt

5.
 Boxers, typically with plaid pattern but sometimes they're just one color (38–40)

6.
 Gray or black XL T-shirt, usually with something on it, like the name of a place or a design, but he doesn't really care

7.
 Gray zip-up hoodie

4
Features, Mostly Weird, of the Scene Waiting for Darren in the Kitchen

1.
 His dad is standing there, placing a glazed doughnut on a plate. Which shouldn't be weird, since his dad has probably spent as much time as anyone in this kitchen from the time Darren was a baby up until a couple of years ago. Darren's probably even seen his dad put this kind of doughnut on this kind of plate in this very kitchen before.

2.
 But it is weird, because not only does his dad not live here, he's also kind of officially not even supposed to be in the house anymore.

3.
 And because it's his dad, the weirdness doesn't end there. This reappearing dad-who-isn't-supposed-to-reappear-here has a different appearance than the one he had back when he was allowed to appear here. Bald head and kind of fashionable outfit: expensive and pretty tight jeans; nice button-down shirt, but not the kind you'd wear with a suit; and dark black leather shoes that never seem even a tiny bit scuffed. The shoes are to Darren's dad like the boots are to his mom. And maybe the jeans and shirt are like her new hairdo and shiny lip gloss.

4.
 The feeling in Darren's stomach. In other words, the whole scene isn't exactly doing wonders for Darren's appetite. But still, this is a chocolate glazed doughnut we're talking about.

6
Unexpected and Fairly Odd Speeches Darren's Dad Has Delivered to Darren (or Just Said in His Presence) Since His Parents Got Divorced, Which Darren Is Thinking about Because He's Got This Feeling That #7 Is on Its Way

1.
 You would think people ought to give compassion more attention when they're discussing virtues. We hear so much about courage and honor and determination, but we have too much of those, if you ask me. Sometimes you'd think compassion belongs on the endangered species list.

2.
 I shaved it, Darren, because I had struggled for years with balding. But now I've taken ownership of the situation. My hair seemed intent on falling out, so I thought I'd save it the trouble.

3.
 If you are ever interested in smoking marijuana—pot, dope, weed, whatever you young people call it these days—you should feel free to do it here. If you'd like, you and a couple friends could smoke here one weekend. I'd strongly prefer that your first time be in a safe environment. I could even leave the house for a few hours if that's what you want. If you're interested.

4.
 It is a rotten world in many ways. In too many ways. But the world isn't only rotten, even if it's actively rotting right this very instant. Yes, I am quite certain there are still some perfectly good spots, some terrific people, some things utterly unrotted. They're out there, I know it.

5.
 Your mother is doing her best, Darren, I'm sure of it. As am I. Oh, you know what I mean. We all are. Even if, well, even if our best has been so mediocre lately.

6.
 I love you, Darren. I love you more than you can possibly know. I love you for being exactly who you are. And I will always love you, no matter what. You are a much more wonderful person than I think you realize, and I am confident that in time you will be endlessly grateful to be Darren Jacobs and no one else.

5
Contributions Darren's Dad Makes to This Morning's Conversation Before Darren Makes Any Himself

1.
 Good morning, Captain America.

2.
 Wait, don't move. My God, I swear you grew since Sunday.

3.
 Fresh-squeezed OJ?

4.
 Isn't it delicious? It was still warm when I picked it up from Bennison's.

5.
 Oh, forty percent chance of light rain this afternoon. FYI.

2
Features of Tomorrow, Also Known as Friday, That Have Helped Darren Make It through a Kind of Lame Week, Which, Despite This Most Perfect Doughnut, Is Probably About to Get Lamer Yet

1.
 Driving to Ann Arbor (even if it will be with his dad)

2.
 Visiting Nate at U of M

12
Best Things about College, According to Nate

1.
 Girls.

2.
 Sleeping in every day of the week except Tuesday and Thursday, when he has Econ at nine thirty, which he actually has already missed a few times, because you get pretty used to sleeping in until noon, plus you can just watch all the lectures online anyway.

3.
 No parents, and definitely no divorced parents.

4.
 His roommate, Kyle, whose parents are totally loaded, so he and Nate have a giant plasma-screen TV and a sweet stereo.

5.
 Beer.

6.
 Parties, some of them anyway. Most of them. Actually, just about all of them.

7.
 Football games, even though U of M isn't as good as they used to be.

8.
 Going to the supermarket late at night and buying peanut butter crackers and then just walking around campus eating them and drinking Dr Pepper and checking everything out.

9.
 This Intro to Film Studies class, where they talk about
The Godfather
and
Taxi Driver
and cool shit like that.

10.
 Having around six bowls of Cap'n Crunch for breakfast every morning, or at least on those mornings you wake up in time to have breakfast.

11.
 No one gives a shit if you're cool or popular.

12.
 Girls, because they deserve to be mentioned twice. Trust me.

4
Physical Distances Separating Darren and His Dad during the Three Minutes Immediately Before, during, and After the Moment in Which Darren Finally Learns Why His Dad Is Here This Morning