Meeting Destiny (6 page)

Seth. As I stared at the phone, this call seemed like a huge betrayal. Seth had told me how much I meant to him and how he felt about me. Seth was a great friend - my best friend for as long as I could remember. I had to admit that for the first time ever, I almost believed there could be something more between Seth and me. I knew there was a reaction in me, maybe all I needed was a little nudge in Seth’s direction. I looked at Max’s card again and couldn’t help but feel guilty.

My mind tired of thoughts of Seth and wandered to Max again. After all these years, finding out that my dream was really more than a dream was too enticing a prospect. It wasn’t like Max and I had an official date planned, just a dinner. He saved my life; of course, I would want to get together with him to say thanks. Anyone in the same situation would want to talk to the person who was responsible for a second chance at life. It wasn’t like I was cheating on Seth or anything. A phone call to say hello couldn’t possibly be a betrayal of Seth. Max and I were strictly platonic, one friendly phone call, that’s it. I reached for the phone and hesitated one more time. Had I convinced myself yet?....
Absolutely Not.

Who was I trying to convince? I couldn’t even be within ten feet of Max without my heart trying to race out of my chest. When Max was near me, I felt like he was supposed to be there. Forgetting how he made my mind spin, and my heart race - there was a physical draw. That heart monitor flying into a rapid alarm mode was embarrassing enough, but when our hands touched, I know I felt an electric shock. That surge of electricity couldn’t possibly be a normal attraction; but was it just me or did he feel it, too?

Maybe my body was giving me a warning shock about Max, that maybe this whole infatuation I felt for Max was just a way for me to solidify that Seth was really the right choice. If this were the case, then meeting Max couldn’t be wrong; it’s something I had to do, for Seth. Lying to myself was silly. I knew that regardless of how Seth felt about me, I would never feel the same way. I would give anything to feel that pulse from Max’s touch again.

The argument in my head was over. I picked up the phone. I dialed Max’s home number and after the fourth ring his message played, “Hello, Max and Missy are busy. Leave a message and if we like you we’ll call you back….beeeeeep.”

I was shocked by the message and didn’t know what to say. I could only get out, “I, uh, was calling for… Max…” I hung up abruptly. What was I thinking? He had a girlfriend and she lived with him! How could I be so stupid? What was I thinking?
Max and Missy,
well, wasn’t that cute? Why would he give me his home number? He wasn’t brave enough to tell me to my face that he couldn’t see me, so he took the easy way out and let me find out on my own. I’m such an idiot. Fury pulsed through my veins that I could be taken in so easily.

I had never been gullible my whole life. Why hadn’t I realized? I thought back to our conversation and his hesitation was obvious. I hadn’t even considered his hesitation to be the result of a girl in his life. What was I thinking? Of course he had a girlfriend. He was gorgeous. He had an exciting job. Why would I think he was available?

I buried my head in my pillow, sure that Missy would hear the message and know what a jerk Max really was. Served him right. He should have just told me he was spoken for and that I didn’t have a chance.

Then a thought occurred to me. What was I so upset about? Hadn’t Seth been with me nearly every minute since I got here? Seth put himself out there with his feelings for me loud and clear. Here I was sneaking around, and that answering machine was exactly the wake-up call I needed. What did Seth say? H
e would never take me for granted again
. Well, that was some pretty decent advice. I should be thankful that Seth feels so strongly for me and figure out a way to feel the same for him.

It would be pretty easy to float effortlessly through life with Seth. He was intelligent, with an enormous heart, and he would do anything for me. I couldn’t say that for anyone else I’d ever met. Anyone who could love me that much was someone I could learn to love. I was sure of it.

Then reality set back in, and I reminded myself that I’d never felt any kind of passion for Seth. What was that crazy country song? “You can lead a heart to love but you can’t make it fall.” I never realized that I would feel the poetic irony of that song. Seth and I had always been so comfortable with one another, like we were a matched set. Why couldn’t I make myself want him? Our connection was much more than mere physical attraction. In my life I’d never wanted to be with anyone but Seth - - until now.

My anger subsided a little. Why should I be upset about Max’s girlfriend? I wasn’t exactly unattached, and I wouldn’t hurt Seth for any amount of money. The only secret I had ever kept from him was my Destiny dream. Good riddance, Max, and I tossed his card with all his information into the trash, resolved that I would never go down that path again, no matter how tempting it might seem, or what crazy dream I had. I was thankful that I had not made a mistake that couldn’t be undone.

I fell into a restless sleep. Had I been in my own bed, I would have tossed and turned for hours. As it was, with all these tubes and wires connecting me to more monitors than I thought possible, movement was restrictive. I lay silent, immobile and restlessly asleep. My dreams haunted me throughout the night, full of seafoam green eyes, handguns, and old Army jackets. I don’t remember what woke me up, whether it was a noise or I felt as though eyes were watching me. I startled awake to see Seth sitting silently in the chair. He was looking blankly at the wall, no sound other than his breathing.

Seeing him sitting silently in my room made me smile; that was my Seth. I had no idea what time it was, but was sure it was way before breakfast. “Don’t you ever sleep?” My voice startled him for a second, and just like earlier in the day, he was up in one fluid motion at my side. I noticed that his eyes weren’t as swollen as the last time I saw him. There were dark circles under them, but the white surrounding his irises had lost most of the bright red that had been so evident earlier.

He looked behind him and used his leg to scoot the chair he had been sitting in so it was flush with my bed. Seth had a hopeful look, “I have an idea I want to try, okay?”

I had no idea what he was about to do. There really weren’t that many possibilities, so I didn’t protest. He pushed a button next to the nurse’s call button on the bed’s remote control, and the bed lowered. After a full minute, it looked like the bed was nearly all the way on the floor. He moved his chair so that it was flush against my bed - positioned so that we were facing each other, the chair only slightly lower than the bed. He lowered the bed rail so that it was completely out of the way. He sat in his chair then gently laid his head on me.

Still angry with myself and the whole Max situation, I guiltily tried to make light of Seth’s affection. “I never knew I looked like such a big fluffy pillow lying here in bed.” He opened his eyes, his mood was somber, and he didn’t give me even a hint of a smile. He rotated his head so his face was firmly planted on my abdomen, I couldn’t see his eyes.

I felt him press his face into my stomach. It felt like silent sobs erupting against my abdomen, but he said nothing and remained planted against me. I brought both my hands to his head, carefully running my fingers through his hair. Uncertain what to say, I murmured, “Really Seth, I’m fine…I’m going to be fine.” He stretched both arms around me and hugged me tight, tighter than was comfortable, but I didn’t tell him to stop. It began to be difficult to breath, but I didn’t tell him to let go. After a few minutes, I could feel that his emotional implosion had run its course. He took a few deep breaths and rotated his head so he was able to look at me.

My arms were still loosely around him and my fingertips gently caressed his neck. I felt the need to comfort him, to tell him I was fine. I wished we could go back to normal – closest of friends. Every other girl I knew would kill to have Seth’s heart. I willed myself to smile, but inside I knew the truth: I would never feel the draw to Seth that I had felt for an almost perfect stranger - Max.

Sharing this epiphany with Seth would shatter him. After all the things he had confessed and the emotion he was unable to keep to himself, I worried that our effortless friendship would have to grow into something more or disappear entirely.

Finally he broke the silence, “Lauren, what are you feeling?” It seemed an odd question. Since obviously I had pain medication coursing through my veins, what was he expecting me to say? I hoped he was asking about the feeling in my leg, the pressure on my diaphragm from his head, or the maze of tubes protruding from both arms. He repeated his question, “I really want to know, what are you feeling?”

“
Well, the nurses are keeping me pretty well drugged. I can feel a pressure sensation on my leg, but I wouldn’t say it’s even remotely close to pain. More like when someone kicks you in the shin one day and the next day when you are walking you can feel a tightness at that spot, but not exactly pain. I’m just anxious to get up and walk around.” I saw his wounded expression and knew my answer was way off the mark.

“
No” I heard a bit of shakiness in his voice, “I was asking about how are you feeling… about me. I’m not stupid, I know you’ve never felt…but I need to know if you feel anything.” He held his finger to my lips just briefly so he could continue without an interruption from me. “Lauren, my whole life, from the time I knew what a friend was, you were mine. Over the years you have grown from my closest friend to my entire life. When I got the call Thursday, I nearly ran two cars off the road to get to the hospital to be with you. I was in the waiting room when a nurse told us they had to restart your heart. I realized in that moment that all those years I had just assumed you knew how I felt, how deeply a part of me you were, but I had never told you. I never made you listen. I’m not as articulate as I’d like to be, and I can’t make myself sound like some romance novel, but I’ve done everything I can think of, and I feel like maybe you still don’t feel the same, maybe you will never feel the same.”

He looked away from me briefly, as if the wall behind me was somehow interesting. I was speechless. “Lauren, if you don’t feel the same, I’m okay with that. I just need to know how you feel. I love you enough for both of us, but I just need you to tell me how you feel about me.”

My eyes were completely clouded over; I tried to speak but nothing came out. I used a dry patch of my blanket to wipe the moisture from my cheeks and take a deep breath. The silence seemed to last forever, while the monitors slowly hummed along and the beeps from my heart monitor beeped along without a change. Seth hugged my body hard again, and I could tell he had interpreted my silence correctly. He knew I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

I used all the strength in my arm to lift his chin so he was forced to look at me. “Seth, please look at me.” My voice was quiet, patient. He rotated his head, and I could feel his body tense as if he were bracing for the worst possible response.

“
I love you, I always have. Until today, I didn’t know how deeply you cared. I guess I thought you considered me closer to your sister than your….” I couldn’t finish it - girlfriend, lover? “I can’t describe how I feel, because until the accident I thought we were both kind of resolved that we were a couple because it was convenient. It makes Gwen happy, it makes my mom happy, there’s no one on earth I’d rather spend time with, so it was okay, logical even to be a couple.”

Seth could see exactly where this was going and cut me off. “It’s never been out of convenience.”

My voice was still shaky, but this was a conversation we needed to have. “You’re right, but do you really think of me that way? I think my accident scared you and somehow now you think the only way to heal me is to change our relationship around. I’m not sure I want that…”

“
I’ve always worried that you just stayed with me because it was comfortable, and I’m not stupid enough to believe that you will ever have a passionate desire to be with me. It feels like you rejected me by never attempting to go to the next step. I’d like to think that maybe I was missing something, and you do feel that way about me, you just aren’t ready for that next step.”

“
Seth, I…” I had no idea what I could say. He knew I didn’t feel the same, and he must have been waiting for me to say it. “I do love you. I am not ready for that next step. It really isn’t you, I’m not ready for the next step with anyone.” Great, the
it’s not you, it’s me
speech.
Until I heard Max’s answering machine a few hours ago, I had myself convinced that I was ready for a next step – just not with Seth.

In my mind I had been holding Seth at bay for years knowing that my, “Destiny” was out there.
My Max
, what a joke.

Seth interrupted my thoughts of Max. “I can accept that you don’t feel the same, but until you tell me you don’t want to be with me, I’m going to focus my energy convincing you that you really do feel the same about me. I know you do, you just don’t know it yet.”