Memoirs of a Neurotic Zombie (9 page)

We clambered off the trailer and, crouching down, weaved though the idling cars, quickly and silently slipping back into Canada.

‘I think Adam’s brain has fully decomposed,’ said Ernesto.

‘I can’t believe I’m agreeing with you,’ said Corina.

As we approached the Canadian border, a uniformed man with a bushy moustache that nearly covered his mouth held up his hand to stop us. ‘Where are you kids going?’

‘We have to pee really, really bad,’ I said. It actually wasn’t a lie. I needed to go.

‘All of you?’ asked the moustache.

Nesto crossed his legs and did a pee dance. ‘I can’t hold it,’ he said.

He unzipped his fly and made to let his little chup loose.

‘Whoa, whoa, whoa,’ he said. ‘The bathrooms are at the back of that building. Get going and then get back in your parents’ car. You’re on Canadian soil now and we’re not a toilet.’

We ran behind the building … and kept on running. The traffic was near a standstill approaching the bridge, and we cut across a green field and then along the road overlooking the roaring Niagara River.

‘Nice acting, Nesto,’ said Corina.

But then he stopped at a tree and unzipped his shorts for real. ‘C’mon, Adam, sword fight!’

‘Uggh,’ Corina grunted as she looked away.

‘I can hold mine,’ I said, not totally sure that I could.

As Ernesto watered the tree, a lady wearing shiny, tight-fitting running gear jogged by while pulling her golden retriever on a leash. Upon seeing Nesto, the dog tugged his athletic owner over and lifted his leg.

‘Get your own tree,’ hissed Ernesto.

Woof woof
.

The dog barked, defending what it clearly thought was its territory.

The lady removed her ear buds and looked at us. ‘You really shouldn’t let your friend pee in public.’

My hypocrisy alarm went off.

‘Tell that to your dog,’ I said. ‘It’s spraying bacteria and germs all over the place.’

‘It’s what dogs do,’ she said. As if that were an excuse.

Suddenly, the pooch
yelped
with fright.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that Nesto had chupafied his face. The quick change from prepubescent boy to lizard face shocked the dog and it pulled its owner away.

Nesto shook off his chupa look and calmly put away his watering hose.

‘Wow,’ I said. ‘I’ve never seen you do that before.’

‘Well, if you can’t pee in front of your friends then who—’ started Nesto.

‘Actually,’ I interrupted, leading us along the pathway towards the roaring Falls. ‘I meant the quick change into chupa. That was pretty amazing.’

‘Oh, yeah. I’m getting better at controlling it. I was practising with Melissa.’

We kept walking along the river until we reached the throngs of gaping tourists marvelling at one of the wonders of the world. The water rushed right past
them as we, three
monstrous
wonders, walked among them. It did briefly make me wonder how many people would come to see us if we were ever caught and put on display? How much would the tickets go for? How long would the lines be?

‘Adam,’ snapped Corina. ‘Where are we going?’

‘To get our ride,’ I said.

I led them through the busy crowd and across the street to the Niagara Falls Museum.

I still had some money, so I bought us three tickets to a glimpse into Niagara’s past. We whizzed through the rooms about the native Canadians, first explorers, geological make-up of the area (bedrock granite) until we reached the daredevil display.

There was a tightrope above us with a mannequin balanced on it. Below, photos showed Charles Blondin, a French guy who was the first person to tightrope walk across the Niagara gorge. Next, we found a life-sized photo of Annie Edson Taylor, an old lady who, at 63, was the very first person to survive a trip over the falls. And then, around the corner, we found what I was looking for: a modern-day barrel.

It was silver and sleek, like a slice of a rocket.

‘That’s our ride home, guys,’ I announced.

‘It looks heavy,’ said Nesto.

‘You know I could just fly you over the river,’ suggested Corina.

‘Over one of the world’s most watched tourist attractions?’ I asked. ‘You’d be a YouTube sensation in seconds.’

‘I could tunnel underneath,’ offered Nesto.

‘Didn’t you pay attention?’ I asked. ‘Niagara is built on bedrock. I know you’ve got razor-sharp claws, but I think we’d need dynamite to bust our way in and somehow I don’t think that’d lead to a warm welcome.’

‘Okay, zom-boy, how do we roll out this barrel of fun?’

‘Exactly,’ I said. ‘Give me a hand.’

‘This is insane,’ Corina said, nonetheless lending me two pale hands to push the barrel off its display.

Nesto guided the silver cylinder towards the double doors at the back as Corina and I rolled it quickly, but deliberately.

‘Where are you going with that?’ called a voice.

I peeked around the barrel to see a bored-looking teenager wearing a uniform and name tag entering the daredevil room. He held a walkie-talkie and was about to use it to radio in our barrel theft.

We were done for.

I noticed Corina’s fangs extend and I held her back. ‘Wait, not yet.’

She was clearly considering giving in to her hunger. But instead of letting her, I eyed the guard’s name tag and tried to reason with him.

‘Bernie,’ I said. ‘Before you call anyone on that, we’ve got one heck of a story to tell you.’

‘Does it involve me getting fired?’ he asked.

‘Probably,’ I said, ‘but at least you’ll get to see something I bet you’ve never seen before.’

‘You’re going over the falls, aren’t you?’ he asked.

‘Bernie, we may look like ordinary kids to you—’

‘You don’t actually, you all look a bit, well—’

‘Different?’ I asked. He nodded his head. I decided that faced with being stopped, and then arrested, for stealing an artefact from the museum, our best way out was the truth. Nobody would believe the truth. ‘We are different. And now we’re going to show you just how different.’

‘Really?’ asked Nesto.

‘Is this a good idea, zom-boy?’

‘Bernie, I’m a zombie, Corina here is a vampire, and Ernesto is a …’

Suddenly, Nesto transmutated and Corina revealed her fangs. Bernie leapt back.

‘Is this a trick?’ he asked.

‘The only trick,’ I said, ‘is that we’re taking this barrel and going to make it disappear. If you try to stop us, my hungry vampire friend will feed on you. And Nesto may later chew on your bones. He likes bone.’

Bernie froze, trembling and nearly hyperventilating. Finally, he spoke.

‘Awesome,’ he uttered.

‘Huh?’ I grunted.

‘I’ve worked here for three summers,’ he said, ‘and I’ve never seen anyone actually go over the Falls. I’m going to record the whole thing on my phone.’

‘Awesome,’ I agreed.

We literally stopped traffic pushing the barrel across the road, but nobody official stopped us. A few tourists snapped photos on their phones, but that was the extent of the attention we attracted. Slowly, we pushed the aluminium barrel along the sidewalk, upriver, until we reached a small park overlooking the rushing water.

We moved it as close as we could to the edge and Corina snapped the steel barrier fence with her bare hands.

‘Roller coaster’s open,’ she said with a grin. ‘And you’ve got to be this high to ride.’

She held her hand out level with the ground, at shoulder height. Nesto rushed over. He stood under her palm on his tippy-toes, pushing his head against her hand.

‘All right,’ he said. ‘I’m never big enough at the state fair!’

I climbed up the barrier and on top of the barrel.

‘This isn’t going to be like anything they’ve got there,’ I said, turning the wheel to open the hatch, and peering inside.

The chamber inside was dank and dark, with straps and cushions, but only built for one man. I hoped that since Ernesto was so small, and I wasn’t exactly being invited into professional wrestling, we could all fit.

‘Nesto, you and Corina hop in and I’ll go last.’

Ernesto clambered up and then down into the chamber. ‘It smells in here.’

‘Smells like fear,’ Corina said, floating herself down and finding a strap to hold on to.

‘It’s going to be a rough ride,’ I said. ‘But we can take it.’

I lowered myself into the dark chamber and sealed us in. It was pitch-black since I hadn’t thought to find the interior light.

‘All right, guys, now push on the wall.’

At once, we all pushed in different directions.

Booof
.

We slammed into one another.

‘Let’s try that again,’ I said. ‘Okay, put your hands in the middle, and  then swing and push the way my hand leads.’

Everyone popped their hands on mine and I counted to three before moving my hand in the direction of the river shore.

We tilted, but didn’t topple.

‘Okay, again!’ I called.

Still no movement.

‘One more time,’ I urged.

With a heave, we slowly toppled over, and over, and over, until we bounced into the water. I could feel the wave bob us up and down, like my rubber duck in the bath.

‘So this is nice,’ said Corina.

‘Thanks for getting me off the bridge,’ said Ernesto.

‘We weren’t going to risk you getting deported,’ I said.

Corina laughed. ‘He’s willing to risk your untimely death in an aluminium can going over a massive waterfall, but deportation … nah, that’s a risk he just won’t take.’

‘I didn’t hear any better ideas,’ I said. ‘Besides, this is me trying to relax. Have either of you—’

And then my stomach jumped into my throat.

‘Wheeeee!’ squealed Ernesto.

My head was upside down. Then sideways, then pressed into Ernesto’s stinky armpit.

We tumbled and tossed and plummeted. I had no
idea what was going on, but I now knew what my clothes felt like when I put them in the dryer.

‘Maybe we should have just flooooooooown,’ I said, just as the barrel slammed into the water below. But the tumbling didn’t stop. We rocked and turned until finally the shaking stopped.

‘Can we get out now?’ asked Ernesto.

‘Wait ’til we’ve come to a full and complete stop.’

‘Adam,’ said Corina. ‘What if we bank on the Canadian side of the river?’

‘I think that’s when we move to the power of flight. Maybe you could drag Nesto and me across the river – make it look like we’re swimming?’

‘Fine,’ she said with a huff.

Finally, we stopped moving and the barrel keeled over onto one side … my side.

Nesto and Corina flopped on top of me.

‘Ouch, careful of the cartilage,’ I said.

‘I guess we’ve landed,’ said Nesto. I reached over to the side and turned the locking wheel. I pulled myself out and onto the sandy bank of the river. At first, I couldn’t see which side of the border we’d landed on. As I stood up, an unfriendly, but distinctly American, voice told me to put my, ‘Hands up!’

I turned to see my own double reflection in a policeman’s mirrored sunglasses.

‘I’m so glad to see you,’ I said.

‘I’m about to arrest you for illegal stunting over the border – I wouldn’t be that glad, son,’ he said.

Nesto crawled out of the barrel, followed by Corina.

‘Any more?’ the cop asked.

‘Just us,’ said Corina, rubbing her head.

Nesto twitched nervously. I could tell he was nervous about risking deportation.

‘What’s going on here, kids?’ he asked. ‘And tell me the truth.’

‘Officer,’ I began, ‘the truth is we escaped Canada, a nation of doughnut-munching cannibals. We were at a camp that turns kids into doughnuts, and we got out to get help because there’s almost sixty more fine Americans left behind.’

‘Good God.’ He trembled, took off his glasses and crouched down to our level. ‘It’s just like ’Nam.’

‘You were in Vietnam?’ I asked.
*

‘Yeah, last year the missus and I were on holiday there and, well, let’s just say that the all-inclusive resort didn’t include much. We got out but left some good people behind. I said I’d alert the travel agent and go back for them, but … but we never did.’

‘What happened to them?’ Nesto asked.

‘Never saw them again,’ the cop said, hanging his head. ‘But a few weeks later I noticed on TripAdvisor that a few of them posted pretty nasty reviews. I don’t think they had a good holiday: unclean sheets, unruly staff, and drinks watered down … with dirty water.’

‘Sounds like Hell,’ I said.

‘It was,’ the cop replied, starting to tear up. ‘And I never went back.’

‘But it’s not too late for our friends,’ said Corina. ‘Will you help us?’

The cop stood up and exhaled, breathing out his guilt. ‘I will. What do you need?’

‘We need a ride to Croxton, Ohio,’ I said.

‘That, I can do,’ he said.

We were crammed into the back seat (behind the steel divider) of Officer Campbell’s patrol car for about seven hours of interstate driving. Officer Campbell, whose first name was Bob (not short for Robert, but Bobert … his parents misspelled his birth certificate), was actually a really nice guy, had three kids slightly younger than us, and a penchant for show tunes.

Bobert and I sang our way across upstate New York, north Pennsylvania, and into good ol’ Ohio. Either he was tone-deaf or just very polite, but either way, he didn’t arrest me for being hopelessly out of tune. Corina and Nesto, however, were not so kind. They pleaded with me to stop, but sometimes, and being locked in the back of a police car with a vampire and a chupacabra is one of those times, you just gotta sing!

He used the red-and-blue lights so we made good time,
stopping for only three ‘comfort’ breaks which weren’t all that comfortable given that they involved very well-used urinals. He offered to buy us snacks and lunch, and none of us were tempted by anything resembling a doughnut.

We’d finally reached my parents on the cop’s phone and reassured them that we’d escaped from the cannibals and were going to bust Amanda out when we returned. My dad had laughed and assumed I was joking, which was probably all for the best.

We finally rolled into Croxton just before dusk, cruising down Main Street in an out-of-state cruiser, and found our hometown totally empty and eerily quiet. We asked Officer Campbell to take us to Corina’s place.

‘The town feels deserted,’ I said.

‘Ooh, more dessert for us,’ Nesto chirped, hopefully.

Most of the townsfolk had rented out their homes for extraordinary rents and taken holidays. The dentist vampires had moved in and now, late in the afternoon, many of them would still be in their coffins.

‘Twenty-nine Holmcrest Road?’ asked Officer Campbell. ‘We’re here.’

We piled out of the cop car and thanked him for bringing us home.

‘If you ever need anything kids, this is my card,’ he
said, handing Corina a small piece of white cardboard. ‘But, first, I’d like a word with your parents.’

‘That’s probably not a good idea,’ said Corina.

‘I insist,’ he said, friendly but firm.

Corina reached under the decrepit-looking garden gnome on her front porch, grabbed the spare key and unlocked her front door. The vampire invited us inside.

She led us through the front hall to the kitchen, which looked like a display model at IKEA and had probably cooked as many meals. ‘I can offer you tap water,’ she said, ‘and that’s about it.’

‘Water’s fine,’ Bob confirmed, gulping the liquid that had once passed through the sewage treatment plant. I tensed, thinking about all the contaminants he was consuming.

‘Corina? Is that you?’ called Corina’s mother from the curved stairway at the front. ‘What in Count’s name are you doing—’

‘We have
visitors
, Mother,’ Corina called back.

Corina’s mom swept into the kitchen, wearing a flowing black gown.

‘Ma’am,’ said Officer Campbell.

Corina’s mother stroked the cop’s shoulder and sniffed him.

‘What have you brought me, daughter?’

Corina shook her head.

‘This is Officer Campbell and he helped us,’ she explained. ‘When we escaped from the camp you sent us to, which was actually run by an evil witch.’

She blinked twice. ‘And the problem is?’

‘She’s fattening up the campers and turning them into doughnuts,’ Corina said.

‘And then the Canadians eat the doughnuts,’ I added. ‘They’re all cannibals.’

‘Which is downright unAmerican,’ Officer Campbell stated. ‘And these kids unearthed the whole cruel conspiracy.’

Mrs Parker looked at the policeman in her kitchen and licked her lips. ‘You’ve brought us a treat, Corina.’

‘Can I have some?’ asked Nesto. ‘Adam promised me dessert.’

Corina’s mom rolled her eyes. ‘I see that my daughter is running in packs now.’

Nesto grinned. ‘We’re more like a little herd.’

Officer Campbell cleared his throat nervously. ‘I just wanted to be sure that a responsible adult was present. And I can see you all have some family business to catch up on. Corina, Adam, Ernesto, it’s been a pleasure, and
please be sure you alert your local authorities to get your friends back. And good day to you, ma’am.’

He turned to leave, escaping the Parker house of horrors.

‘Well that’s a pity,’ said Mrs Parker. ‘I haven’t had breakfast.’

‘
You
scared him off,’ huffed Corina, ‘and he’s a nice man who helped us. I think he deserves to live.’

‘Well, that’s a pity,’ she said, ‘because I haven’t chosen my sacrifice yet.’

‘What are you talking about, Mother?’ asked Corina.

‘Oh you know,’ she began, looking suspiciously at Nesto and me, ‘just dentist stuff. Nothing to concern yourself with.’

I heard their front door open and a man’s voice called out, ‘I’m back!’

‘Speak of the dentist,’ Mrs Parker said.

It was Corina’s one-armed dentist father, Dr Parker. ‘But why is there a New York State law enforcement officer in our driveway?’

‘Because he’s not in a cage,’ sulked Mrs Parker.

Dr Parker strode into the kitchen wearing full running gear. Taking no notice of us, he headed straight to the fridge and cracked open a blood-flavoured
Vampade drink. He stretched his calves by pressing against the fridge door, huffing and puffing.

‘How many times?’ exclaimed Corina’s mom. ‘No stretching in the kitchen.’

‘You don’t want me seizing up, do you?’ asked Dr Parker, finally turning around. ‘Corina?’ he gasped. ‘What in Count’s name are you doing home from camp?’

‘Cannibals, Canadians, doughnuts,’ she explained.

‘Got it,’ he said, though I wasn’t sure he actually did. ‘Well I’m glad you’re back. You’re just in time for the big event tonight. But I’m surprised by your choice offerings. Hello, boys.’

‘No,’ said Corina, ‘these are my friends. They’re off limits.’

I raised my hand like I was still in seventh grade. ‘Um, what are you guys talking about?’

‘Private dental matter, Adam,’ he said.

‘They know,’ Corina said to her parents, ‘all about us.’

Dr Parker dropped his smile. ‘Well, that’s very unfortunate for them.’

‘Easy, Dad, they’re not human. They’re
unnatural
… just like us.’

‘Watch your mouth, offspring!’ snapped Corina’s mom.

‘They’re not vampires,’ said Dr Parker, stroking his chin. ‘Werewolves?’

Nesto hung his head and sighed. He took a quick breath and burst into chupa mode from the neck up. His skin turned to scales and his teeth sprouted fangs. His bulbous black eyes reflected the curious looks of Corina’s vamparents. Nesto switched back just as fast.

‘A werewolf with a fur problem,’ mused Dr Parker.

‘No, chupacabra,’ said Ernesto, rolling his now-human eyes.

‘Never heard of it,’ the dentist admitted. ‘Though I would like to investigate that mouth for fang decay.’

‘I don’t weally like wentists,’ mumbled Nesto, keeping his mouth tightly shut.

‘None taken,’ said Dr Parker. ‘But what about you, Adam? Are you a chupachup too?’

‘Zombie, actually,’ I said.

‘You don’t look much like a zombie,’ said Corina’s mom, dismissively.

‘Thanks,’ I said.

‘Hey, Adam,’ said Nesto. ‘Do the walk and maybe a groan.’

I didn’t want play into stereotypes, but I did want them to believe I was as unnatural as they were. I lifted
my arms in front of me, shuffled across the tile floor, and even groaned for effect.

‘Ah, I see it now, ‘said Mrs Parker, then turning to Corina she continued,  ‘Your friends may be
unnatural
, as you say, but they are nothing like us. We are Count’s divine creatures, and these boys are, well, abominations.’

Nesto tugged my sleeve. ‘Is that a good thing or a bad thing?’

‘That’s not very nice,’ I said to Corina’s mom.

‘I’m not a very nice person,’ she replied, echoing something Corina had said to me when we first met. As much as Corina wanted to distance herself from Mommy Fearest, there was an apple/tree thing going on.

‘No, Mother,’ said Corina, ‘sacrifice isn’t very
nice
.’

‘It’s tradition,’ said Dr Parker with a shrug, the way my dad might refer to Thanksgiving dinner.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘Who’s sacrificing who?’

‘It’s an ancient tradition,’ explained Dr Parker. ‘The vampires assemble every four years and sacrifice those who have affronted our community.’

‘I always thought that was just a bedtime story,’ said Corina.

‘Doesn’t mean it isn’t real,’ said her mom. ‘It’s been
going on since before humans walked the Earth. What do you think happened to the dinosaurs?’

I’d always assumed the death of the dinosaurs was at the hands (or claws) of their bad food hygiene, not bloodsucking, ritualistic vampires.

‘It’s the natural order of things – every vampire gets to make a sacrifice,’ said Dr Parker. ‘We are superior beings and it’s important to remind ourselves, and others, of that fact.’

‘
Opinion
,’ said Corina pointedly. ‘This is so typical. The vampires just do whatever they want.’

‘Don’t be disloyal, child,’ snapped Mrs Parker.

‘Like kill off the dinosaurs,’ said Ernesto, shaking his head in shock.

‘It’s not right,’ said Corina in a huff. ‘You can’t just sacrifice people to make yourselves feel better.’

‘We knew you wouldn’t understand, dear,’ said Dr Parker. ‘But the sacrifice is an important part of our culture. It’s the one time a vampire can stand up in front of all other vampires and, well, be himself.’

‘IS THAT WHY YOU SENT ME AWAY?’ Corina shouted.

‘These affairs are above you, dear,’ said her mom.

Nesto looked up as Corina sighed. I turned to my
friend, the vegan vampire, and urged her to act. ‘If every vampire gets to make a sacrifice, you can talk to them all, change their minds.’

But her mom blurted a sarcastic laugh. ‘Don’t be absurd, flesheater. Nobody listens to her.’

Corina shrank just a little bit, hung her head and looked at the floor. I hated the way her parents couldn’t see how awesome she was. It clearly got to Corina because she stormed out the front door. I’m pretty sure I spotted her mascara running.

‘It’s not absurd,’ I said in my friend’s defence. ‘And I never eat flesh, unlike some people I could mention … And people do listen to Corina because she’s amazing. And she’s going to stop this stupid tradition. Tonight!’

I motioned to Ernesto and we both bolted from the Parker home to find our friend.