Memory of Morning (23 page)

My head was spinning. My gut ached. Bile rose in my throat. I ignored all that and began to put on my clothes. "Go back to sleep, Jame. I must leave now."

"See you again?" he mumbled into his pillow.

"Yes, please. Any time."

I adjusted the bodice drawstring of my dress and found my shoes. I paused briefly at the door, long enough to blow my lover a kiss and a whispered, "Thank you."

It was not a convenient time of day to find a loitering horsecab waiting for fares in the street. It was a long walk from the east side of Loudon to the wealthy district where my family stayed. Perhaps it was just as well that it was several hours before Mr. Butler opened the door for me; I had plenty of time to think out exactly where I had gone wrong, what I needed to do, and say.

"Breakfast is being served in the small dining room this morning, Dr. Cliff."

"Thank you."

Rather than asking if Miss Seeli was up for breakfast, I made my way sedately and properly to the dining room instead. The servants already gossiped about the strange family occupying their premises. I crossed the front hall, turned left, went through one of the numerous sitting rooms, through the music room, left down another hall...

"I am so sick of this palace," I murmured. "It would be faster if I'd gone out the front door and gone round to the rear of the house. Broken a window. Climbed inside."

I looked the seventeen year old up and down. She seemed but a child to me, but in sexual matters she was legally - if only barely - an adult. And if I could have relations with a man, she had the same rights as I did.

"My parents will not complain. His mother is the daughter of an acknowledged aunt to Lord North, his father now is heir to Baronet Heron. He's good enough for an Owl, isn't he? I am good enough for him, don't you think?"

I began to laugh. I could not help myself. Tension drained out of me and I kept on laughing. Poor Rhane looked devastated. A tear rolled down her cheek.

I finally got myself enough under control to hug her. "Not you," I said into her ear. "I am not laughing at you. I'm laughing - at life, I suppose. I've been so upside down, but I think I'm righted at last." I stepped away from her. "You may certainly have Danil Heron with all my blessings, subject to his agreement, of course. He was never mine to begin with."

She nodded. "Well. Good. I'm glad that's settled. He is having breakfast at the moment, and I didn't want him to say anything to you before I'd seen you first. He is very blunt, you know."

I nodded. "Now, I have something to ask of you. Is my cousin Seeli in the dining room?" At Rhane's nod, I continued, "Could you quietly ask her to join me in the pavilion? I should like a private word with her."

I did not have long to wait for Seeli's arrival. While I did, I contemplated my sore feet and other areas, and longed for a long hot soak. If there was one thing I adored about the rental palace, it was the bathing suite. I longed to run off and hide there now. For days. However, this needed to be done. I owed it to myself, and to Seeli, even to Dane Copper. One of Captain Copper's crew did not run away from a fight - even from a fight that turned out to be with themselves.

Seeli came in carrying a covered plate. "I brought pastries," she announced. "You cannot hate a woman who brings you pastries."

"I do not hate you." I narrowed my eyes and glared at the dish she held out. "What kind of pastries?"

She put the plate down on the nearest table, and faced me. "How shall we do this, cousin? Shall we shout and quarrel?"

"Neither of us have much practice at it, Seeli. Yesterday, I may have done just that, though. I was that angry with you."

"So do I." I rose to my feet. She took a step back, but I stayed where I was. "We both love Dane Copper, but we do not love the same man."

She waited and watched me. It took me a few moments to get out the words I must say.

"I congratulate you on your relationship with Dane Copper. I will certainly do nothing to try to interfere with whatever happens between the two of you."

Seeli stared at me for a while. "What do you mean we love the same man who isn't the same man?"

"You haven't met
my
Captain Copper. You know a father, a charming man who needs to be taken care of in all matters domestic. That man is a stranger to me, and I think it is best he should stay that way - or at least this man should become a fond addition to our family gatherings. I do not wish to raise his child, or manage his household. I do not want to remain behind while he seeks out the enemy and faces every other danger the sea brings. I would want to be with him, at his side and at his command. I have followed that Dane Copper, and would do it again. I love - more than love - Captain Copper. I would do anything for that man. Anything but be the wife Dane Copper needs."

"Then how could you go to sea with your husband? Besides..." I went back to my seat and patted the place next to me on the artfully carved bench.

While she hesitated, I looked out of the pretty lattice-work walls of the pavilion. The workmanship of the woodcarvers who'd built this structure was magnificent, like everything else in the rental palace. It was a dim day, warm and close. Rain threatened, but that would be good for the garden. I hoped the weather would clear for viewing meteor showers tonight. Seeli finally brought the plate and sat down, setting the pastry plate between us.

"Plum filling," she said when I picked one up. She took one, and we were silent while we ate. "Good, aren't they?" she asked. After I nodded, she said, "Explain
besides
to me?"

"Has Captain Copper mentioned Dr. Swan to you?"

"He has. He says he thinks you are in love with Dr. Swan. Which is one of the reasons he gave when I asked him why he was courting me and not you."

I had not expected the subject of myself and Samel Swan to come up, but I suppose it was best to face my feelings there, too. "It would be best for my peace of mind to realize that my feelings for Dr. Swan are as much hero worship as they are for Captain Copper," I began. "I do not know what his feelings for me might be, and I do not wish to find out."

"But--"

I held up a hand to stop her. "He was my mentor, and sponsor for the surgical certificate. His career is important to him. It is even more important to the Empire, and to Captain Copper. My career is important to me. Should there be any hint of a rumor of our having any emotional ties, his professionalism, and mine, would be called into question. His ethics and my abilities would be under the shadow of suspicion. I will not do that to either of us. Nor would he, I am sure, if he has any interest whatsoever."

There. The difficulties of my relationships with Dr. Swan were explained. Saying it did not break my heart. Which was something I always suspected would happen if I ever said the words aloud. My heart ached, but ache is better than break, yes?

Now, to the important part. At least as far as Seeli was concerned.

"That was quite a speech," Seeli said. "You have thought this through very carefully, and for a long time." She put an arm around my shoulders. "I am so sorry, my dear."

"Thank you - but I have gotten over being miserable about it. What I want to warn you about is you and Dr. Swan."

Her arm dropped. "Warn?"

I faced her on the bench, and took one of her hands. "I put that badly. But you need to know that Captain Copper and Dr. Swan have a partnership that I believe should not be interfered with. For Captain Copper's good, and for the Empire's."

She laughed, the sound completely false. "Such drama, Meggie!"

I clamped my hand around her wrist when she would have stood. I am stronger. "I must say this to you, Seeli. If I were to marry Captain Copper I would come between him and Dr. Swan. I would be jealous of them both. I would want to take Swan's place as surgeon on board Copper's ship. I would be terrible in that role. A surgeon's duty is to be the voice of reason, the skeptic - a captain is a god to everyone but the ship's doctor. The doctor has the right to argue with and sometimes oppose the captain. Dr. Swan is brilliant at keeping Captain Copper on an even keel. I would simply follow Dane Copper wherever he wanted to go, agree with him on every decision. He can be reckless, Swan grabs hold of him and pulls him back. If you love Copper, do not come between him and Samel Swan. He won't give up the sea for you. You'll lose him if you ask him to."

"I know better than to ask him to do that."

"Good. Love him when he's on land. If you want him to safely return to the home you share on land, leave him to Swan when he is at sea."

I let go of Seeli's wrist. I must have been holding it tightly, as she began rubbing it. "I think you may be correct in saying we love two different Dane Coppers. You have been living in a different world."

"His world," I said. "He's living in your world, now. I hope you make him happy in it."

"I intend to try," she said as we stood. "Though I must say you've given me several things to think about."

Chapter Thirty-Two

"I wish you could come with us," I said after I'd finished twirling all the way around. This was to show myself off properly from all angles.

Star had been dancing around me as I turned, now I reached down to pet her. When I wouldn't pick her up, she jumped up on the sofa next to Jame Field.

I faced Jame again. "I'm not in the full rig yet - need my hair and makeup done, and jewelry - but what do you think of the dress?"

I had good reason to be anxious for people's opinions. I had approved the design and paid the crowns for Mr. Vine giving me what I asked for. But I did feel a bit - naked, in a way.

"Perhaps you could have requested the dressmaker to add a top," Father said without glancing up.

"Do you see what I have to put up with around here?" I complained.

My lover answered, "I told you you could come live with me. Although your bed is more comfortable than mine, we would both be closer to work living at my place."

"Well, I couldn't move the bed with me, the furniture is rented. We'll have to stay here."

"I suppose that settles the matter."

We actually did spend more time at Jame's rooms rather than here. The location was closer to both our jobs. Jame did not often visit the rental palace. I had asked him to stop by today because I wanted him to see my ball gown. I'd invited him to come with me to the Dowager's Ball as the guest allowed to me on the invitation, but he was adamant that he would only be in my way among hundreds of Seekers.

He was quite firm that I was still a Seeker and he was not a suitor. I was fairly firm in that opinion myself. We declared we were not in love, but the liking and sexual attraction between us was great. My mother pointed out that this was how her and my father's relationship had begun, neither of them with any intention of settling together. Well, time would tell with Jame and myself.

I have been very content with my life in the last two weeks. I certainly hadn't been doing much in the way of Seeking, but tonight was the Dowager's Ball. The time for returning to husband hunting was now upon me.

Father looked at Jame. "Young man, shouldn't you be out protecting the streets of Loudon right now?"

"I am working the evening shift tonight, sir. We are always busier on nights when Green Moon is full. And I think the height of the midsummer meteor showers ignites a primitive fear in all of us that makes people more aggressive, whether they understand why or not."

Father nodded. He held up the circular. "From what I've been reading of local news, I would say that you are correct. How bad are these clashes between locals and veterans, really? Will there be riots?"