Men of Mayhem (54 page)

“I’ve got some clothes out here for you.”

“Oh, great,” I respond. “What time is it?”

“Eight fifteen.” I open the door, and standing before me is a deeply caring man. I know he is. I have no doubt of it, but what is going on at the casino, of that I have a lot of doubt. He leans down, kisses me, and pulls me into a hug. On his bed, in a clear plastic garment bag, is a suit and my pocketbook is resting beside it. “It should fit,” he comments.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll leave so you can change. I want you to get to work on time.” He smiles at me, places a quick soft kiss to my lips, and even though it’s fast it shoots to my toes. He starts to leave with the doorknob in his hand. “I’ll be picking you up from work,” he tells me, winking, and it is so damn cute. He exits, shutting the bedroom door.

I slump onto the bed, needing to pull myself together. I rock back and forth, feeling like the world is crashing in on me all over again. I should never have come here. Not only to the casino but to Chicago altogether. It was a mistake. I don’t even know why I picked Chicago, or the apartment I live in, or this particular place to come to each night. Why? It is the most asked question in my life. Why?

Alex

I have so much shit to do it is not even funny. All I want to do is spend the day with Meryl. She has me wrapped around her finger. I doubt she knows it. I throw some coffee in the pot and press start. I have to wait until she is ready before I can go into my room to change to take her to work. If I go in there now, I’m going to throw her on the bed and make her fucking pant and moan like I did last night. I’m getting hard thinking about it. Shit. I concentrate on watching the coffee drip in the carafe. I need to calm the fuck down. She is making me crazy in a way I never knew was possible.

The click of the knob to my door hurls a trembling down to my stomach. I have never experienced this in my entire life until I saw the lovely woman coming out of my bedroom. My first sight of her sitting on a bar stool in a place I grew up in has me totally convinced God sent her to me. She showed up when I least expected it and I’m afraid I am going to fuck it up.

My first time having to bartend. If that string of events hadn’t happened, I don’t think I ever would have met her. It is strange how things work out. My job in the family has always been predetermined. I never have to do that type of menial shit and I wasn’t happy about it. I take care of troublemakers, losers who don’t pay, and the family.

She is the one. I’m sure. In the same way I know how to do my job without thinking about it. I just do it.

“You look beautiful,” I tell her and mean it with every part of my being.

“This suit
is
beautiful. I can’t believe it. Thank you.” She’s flushed. I walk straight at her to kiss her again.

“Let me put some clothes on and I’ll be ready to take you.”

“You know, I can catch a cab out front.”

I stop short and give her one glare that lets her know that is not happening.

“I’m taking you to work, then I am picking you up.”

I catch a strange vibe from her but it fades and I continue into my room. I rummage in my bureau for a decent shirt and snatch a pair of jeans from the drawer below. I slip them on and grab my keys off the top of my dresser.

“All set,” I announce. Meryl stands from where she was sitting on the couch.

I see it this time. I don’t feel the odd vibe because it is written all over her face.

I approach her cautiously. Is she upset about last night? Does she think we’re moving too fast? Am I freaking her out?

I take her hand in mine.

“Is everything okay? Do you…regret last night?” I ask but really don’t want to know the answer. I’m afraid of it. There is very little in this life that I am afraid of, rejection by this woman being one of them.

“No. Not at all.”

She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“I don’t believe you. Are you feeling okay? You have been sick.”

I grasp her chin in my hand and lean in for a deep, sensual kiss. I don’t want to let her go. I sense there is something up, and I don’t know how to handle it. This is new to me and I don’t want to fuck it up.

“I feel great. I don’t want to be late,” she tells me.

“Come on.” I hold my arm out for her to take, like I am escorting her to a dance. She slips her slight fingers around my upper arm and I lead her out into the hallway to the elevators.

Street side, a car is waiting for me, one of the many that are located in the garage below the casino for general use. This happens to be the Suburban that Julius and I just used to go after the losers who have reported us to the cops for kicking the shit out of them. Once I drop off Meryl, I need to go pay off Mike to take care of this “issue.”

I open the door for her, but before I let her in the vehicle I check the glove compartment for a thick envelope that is filled with money and a pistol, all compliments of Carlo, and slam it shut.

I step back and help Meryl up into the SUV.

“Thank you,” she says, her voice delicate.

The ride to her office is quiet, and I don’t know how to fix it. This shit is so new to me. I have never cared this much about any one woman in my entire life. I don’t have any solid past relationship to use as a guide. I reach over and hold her hand. It’s all I can think of.

I pull up to the curb of the building where she works and throw the SUV in park. I get out and go around to the passenger side of the car. I help her out and kiss her forehead.

“I’ll be back at five to get you. Then we will have a nice dinner.”

“Okay,” she replies, but it carries a finality to it—or something, I’m not sure what. I let it go, knowing that I am going to see her in eight hours, and I will have some time to think about what to say to her.

She stands on her tiptoes and kisses me, surprising me. Our eyes meet and there is a subtle change.

“Thank you, Alex.” She walks away and through the door of her building.

I watch her, her brown hair swaying behind her with each step she takes, and a rock hits the bottom of my stomach. I don’t want to be away from her. I stuff it down and get back in the Suburban when I see that she’s passed the threshold. I fear that I have crossed some invisible line that I can’t step back over and change. I need to think, get my head on straight. The worst part is I have work to do.

Meryl

The plane is packed but I don’t care. I have to get away. As soon as Alex dropped me off I never even got into the elevator. I continued past security, through the entryway, and out the back entrance to South Street, hailing a cab. To leave a job without giving any notice is not in my make-up. For Ace’s Billing, I didn’t even contact them. I dropped my cell phone in a trash can in the airport, strode away, and didn’t look back. Thank goodness for all-in-one packing and moving companies because with one phone call, I left the door open and my key with the manager. The ticket counter attendant accepted my cash and I showed her my old license from Kansas.

The loss of Jim is the overall obstacle I can’t get past. For a few moments, when I was with Alex, a part of that disappeared, or hid itself in the deep recesses of my soul. But it’s not right, I’m not ready, and it’s not fair. This was too intense, too nerve-racking, and too emotionally upsetting.

Maybe if Alex had shown up in my life in six months, a year, a year and a half later, things may have turned out differently.

No, they wouldn’t.

The obstacles between us rival mountain ranges. There is absolutely no way it could work, and I question what is really going on at La Bella Regale. I’m broken. Alex needs someone in his life without the baggage I come with. There has to be a young, sweet girl out there to make him happy.

Alex’s presence sucked up the loneliness, but it didn’t last long, thanks to my reading the results of my blood work. And the guilt weighs me down, and now I have new worries. Even though everything with Alex came to an end, it is unfinished. It’s my fault.

Jim’s gone and there is nothing I can do to change that, but it is still a raging sore that no ointment can heal, no doctor can fix, and no person can close to seal it away. Not even Alex.

I’m not the same person I was when I got on that plane to Chicago last month, and I am not even the same person I was four hours ago when I called to have everything packed again and jumped on this plane for New Jersey. If I’m not careful, I’m going to run out of fragments of the country to run to.

The landing gear shuffles beneath the floor of the 747 and the plane tips up as it speeds forward on the runway. The fasten seat belt sign is lit.

There is only a small bit of my family I can tolerate. My cousin Lisa. I’ll have to make a home now. I have no choice. This is mentally exhausting, and I beat myself up for all of the drinking I have been doing.

The flight attendant appears by my seat. I slip out of my thoughts, noticing the shuffling of people, standing and getting their laptops and e-readers out from the overhead compartments.

I’m on an end, near the toilets. The attendant is studying me, smiling. Her lips have the perfect shade of lipstick to match her scarf. She’s grasping a white clipboard in her hand and a shiny red pen.

“Would you care for a cocktail?”

“No, just some water.” I think better of it. “Juice would be great if you have it.”

“Of course.” She jots down a note on her pad. Shifting her hand to grip her clipboard on the front, she adds, “If you don’t mind me asking, how many months?”

How can someone I met two seconds ago notice something about me that I didn’t even know until a few hours ago? The surreal essence of not believing what is happening to me spills over me again like it did two months ago when Jim died, collapsed and lifeless, leaving me alone. Not only am I a widow, but I am going to be a single mother. How am I going to raise a child by myself? I’m angry at Jim. No, I am flipping pissed. He left me here, and I couldn’t go with him. I’m stuck in this world apart from him.

“I have eight younger brothers and sisters. So my mother was pregnant for most of my childhood. I have a gift.”

She observes me and her beaming face collapses.

“You didn’t know, did you?”

“I just found out.”