Mesalliance (42 page)

Had she but
known it, she need not have hurried. Aware that he needed to regain
at least a semblance of composure, Rockliffe was taking his time.
He threw his coat at the bed with a force that sent it slithering
off the other side to the floor. Then, stripping off the rest of
his clothing, he washed away the dust of the road, shaved without
managing to cut his throat and rinsed the last traces of powder
from his hair. And throughout it all, he tried to make sense of
just one thing; why his immediate reaction to Adeline’s declaration
had been disbelief. He thought of half a dozen reasons, none of
which satisfied him. Finally, his mind calmer but no clearer, he
pulled on clean clothes and, having no further excuse to linger,
walked through the door to the boudoir.

Adeline looked
across at him, taking in the snowy-fresh shirt and the damp ebony
hair, and forgot to breathe. Then, waiting until he sat down, she
poured coffee and said ‘They’ve sent up some breakfast if you’d --
’

‘No.’ The
thought of food made him nauseous. ‘Thank you.’

‘No. I couldn’t
either.’

He took the cup
she offered him. ‘Then perhaps we could get this over with. I’d
like to sleep for a couple of hours before I start back.’

‘
What
?’

‘It’s
necessary. I can’t reduce the harm from here.’ He paused, drank the
now-tepid coffee and grimaced. ‘So. What did you want to say to
me?’

There was only
one thought in her head so she voiced it. ‘Don’t go.’

‘I need to
speak to Dominic and … yes, to Charles Fox, I think. His ear is
perpetually to the ground,’ said Rockliffe thoughtfully, as if he
hadn’t heard her. ‘And I’ll put in an appearance at White’s. That
should silence a few tongues.’

‘Don’t go,’ she
said again, this time more urgently. ‘Please don’t.’

He looked at
her for a moment and then sighed.

‘Adeline – I’m
here because I had to satisfy myself that you were safe.
You’re
here, as I understand it, because you wanted …’ He
stopped briefly, then resumed a little less smoothly, ‘You’re here
because you wanted to be away from me for a time. So my returning
to town --’

‘No. I
don’t
want that,’ she interrupted, trying to quell the
unreasoning panic that was taking hold of her. ‘Last night,
perhaps. But not now. Not any more. Please don’t go. I c-couldn’t
bear it.’

Rockliffe
frowned a little.

‘It would be
helpful,’ he said dryly, ‘if you could make up your mind. However.
This is getting us nowhere. You wanted to talk – so talk. And,
afterwards, we’ll see. Say what you wish. I’m listening.’

She collected
his gaze and held it. Then, summoning all her courage, ‘I l --
’

‘You love me.
Yes, so you said. I suggest, however, that you work up to that
gradually. What else?’

Not without
difficulty, Adeline found a shred of her old astringency.

‘Tracy – you’re
entitled to make this difficult. I accept that. But if you want me
to be brief, you can’t interrupt every second or third word.’

A flicker of
something more like his usual expression passed through his eyes
and then was gone. He said, ‘I stand corrected. Please … do go
on.’

She drew a deep
breath and said, ‘I should begin by pointing out that I don’t
expect anything I say to mend matters. After last night, I know
that nothing can. But I can’t leave you thinking that I don’t care
for you – or trust you – or want you. Because I do. And that’s why
I didn’t tell you about Richard. I thought, rather naively as it
turns out, that I could deal with him myself.’

‘But you didn’t
deal with him yourself, did you? You told Jack.’

She shook her
head. ‘No – or not in the way you mean it. He found out by chance
about a week ago. He – he happened to be watching me when Richard
was demanding yet more money; and he persuaded me to tell him
why
because he’s marrying Althea.’

It occurred to
Rockliffe then that, if
he
had been watching instead of
keeping her at a distance, the story might have been different. He
said, ‘Go on.’

‘Perhaps I had
better start at the beginning?’

His face was
inscrutable. ‘I think you had.’

She nodded and
said, ‘It began when you went away that first time -- ’

‘To consult
with Sir Roland.’

Her eyes
widened. ‘Oh. Is that how you found out about … about my
mother?’

‘It is how I
confirmed my suspicions. But that’s beside the point, just now. Go
on.’

‘Well … you may
remember how we parted that morning.’

‘Vividly. Is it
important?’

‘Yes.’ The
merest hint of colour stained her cheeks. ‘I didn’t want you to
leave. I nearly asked you not to … but I wasn’t quite brave
enough.’

‘Asking me to
stay required courage? Why? You asked quickly enough just now.’

‘That day was
different. Because … because that wouldn’t have been all I was
asking.’ She looked down at her hands. ‘I think you must have known
that.’

Less to make it
hard for her than to see what she would say, Rockliffe said
negligently, ‘Remind me.’

He watched her
breath catch and her colour deepen. Then, to her credit, she looked
him in the face and said, ‘I wanted you to make love to me – you
have no idea how much I wanted it. And if you had, I would have
told you then that I … how I felt about you. I should say that it
never occurred to me – not then, nor at any time since – that you
m-might love me. I couldn’t help hoping that one day … but mostly I
couldn’t see why you would.’ She paused and made a small dismissive
gesture. ‘Anyway. I didn’t ask and you left. But it didn’t matter
because I thought … I thought that when you came back … only then
we went to Ranelagh and Richard said I was a bastard and demanded
five hundred guineas. And that was how it started.’

‘Did you
believe him?’

‘Not entirely –
but I couldn’t be sure he was lying. He showed me the letter my
mother had written when she eloped. So I paid him and hoped that
was the end of it. Then I tried to come to terms – not just with
what he’d said – but what it meant.’ Her hands clenched in her lap
and she bent her head again. ‘I thought about all the things you’d
put up with already because of our marriage; the gossip, the
disapproval of your sister and the acquisition of my unsavoury
relatives. I knew I ought to tell you about Richard – I even
wanted
to. But it didn’t seem right to burden you with
anything else. More importantly, I had to find a way to stop your
name being dragged in the mud because of me.’ She managed a wry
smile. ‘I wanted to protect you because I loved you. It might have
been foolish of me – that’s how it was. I suppose I thought that
what you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you.’

His eyes
narrowed a little and he said, ‘A singularly naïve notion. And no
doubt you also thought that keeping me in the dark and at arm’s
length wouldn’t hurt me either?’

She flinched.
‘I didn’t realise that it could. If I’d known, perhaps I might have
behaved differently. I don’t know. But, at the time, I just felt
that letting you make love to me without knowing whether what
Richard said was true or not, would be the worst kind of
deceit.’

Seconds ticked
by in silence and finally Rockliffe said, ‘Very well. Bizarre
though I find it, I believe I have followed your reasoning thus
far.’ He paused. Then, ‘Why did you run?’

Adeline
hesitated and then, reluctantly, told the truth.

‘When Diana
said I’d sent Jack to my uncle, you looked at me as though … as
though --’

‘I know how I
looked. It was designed to get you out of Queensberry House before
things got even uglier than they already were. However, if I’d
known it would send you headlong into Kent, I might have thought
better of it. Was that the only reason?’

‘Not quite. I
couldn’t face anyone.’

‘Not even
me?’

‘Especially not
you. How could I? Thanks to my stupidity and Diana’s talent for
eavesdropping – at least, I assume that’s how she found out -
you’re now the subject of a particularly sordid scandal. And it’s
irreparable. So saying that I’m sorry hardly seems enough, does it?
And if nothing else has killed any feeling you might have had for
me, this can’t fail to have done so.’

Rockliffe
looked back at her for a moment and then, rising, walked away to
stare out of the window. He said quietly, ‘You’ve never understood
me at all, have you? The things you feared never existed and I came
here with the intention of proving it to you … though I would
undoubtedly have regretted doing it in anger.’ He paused and then,
apparently at random, asked, ‘Earlier, in the park - why were you
crying?’

The
unexpectedness of it unnerved her.

‘For you,’ she
said faintly. ‘I didn’t know, until today, that I’d hurt you so
much … and I couldn’t bear it. I still can’t.’

Something
shifted in his chest and he turned slowly. ‘And that’s the only
reason?’

‘Yes. Why do
you doubt it?’ Adeline stood up, facing him across the room. ‘Do
you still think I’m – what did you say? – repairing your shattered
equilibrium? Or do you believe, as you remarked some time ago, that
I’m just intent on hanging on to your rank and your money?’

‘No. I don’t
think either of those things. And, for the second of them, I
apologise.’

‘Don’t. It’s
just - if you
did
think that - there would be nothing left
to say.’ She could feel tears threatening and resolutely swallowed
them. ‘Eight years ago, I was dazzled by you – and I still am. Only
now it isn’t only your looks and charm; it’s your innate kindness
and courtesy and endless consideration … things that never failed
even when I didn’t deserve them.’ She hesitated and then said, ‘And
at this moment, I only want two things from you; belief … and the
possibility of forgiveness.’

‘Ah.’ The
merest hint of a rueful smile lit his eyes. ‘Despite anything I may
have said to the contrary, there is virtually nothing you could do
that I would find unforgivable – and certainly not this. No. The
only forgiveness you need is your own.’

‘I can’t,’ she
said, unevenly. ‘I
can’t
forgive myself. And I don’t know
how you can either.’

‘Don’t
you?’

‘After all
this? No.’

‘Then perhaps
some of what I said earlier escaped you.’ The smile touched the
corners of his mouth. ‘Leaving that aside for the moment, let us
move on to the thing you want me to believe … and which, I suspect,
I may now be ready to hear.’

Adeline
hesitated, seeing the smile but afraid, as yet, to rely on it.
Holding his gaze with her own, she said, ‘That I love you. So much
that I don’t know how to tell you.’ She paused and then added
simply, ‘You stop my breath. You always have.’

Rockliffe’s
heart slammed against his ribs. This was more, so very much more,
than he had ever hoped for. He looked at her, reading the longing
and uncertainty in the wide, blue-green eyes; and, holding out his
hand to her, he said gently, ‘Do you think you might consider
coming over here and repeating that?’

Still she
hesitated, unable to believe he could mean it. ‘What are you
saying?’

‘I’m saying I’d
like you to banish last night from your mind. It doesn’t matter.
What
does
matter is that you have said something I was
afraid I might never hear – and that, finally, I believe it. So I’d
like … I would really like to hold you and hear you say it
again.’

The tears she
had been holding back were suddenly sparkling on her lashes.

‘Tracy …’

In three swift
strides he was across the room to fold her in his arms.

‘Don’t,
darling. It’s all right. I meant what I said before. I love
you.’

Adeline’s
fingers clutched his shirt and she pressed her face against his
shoulder, feeling his heart beating under her hand. She said
painfully, ‘I don’t understand – after everything - how you
can.’

‘Hush. The
faults were as much mine as yours. Nothing outside this room
matters.’

‘It does. Of
course it does. That’s why you want to go back to town.’

‘It was – but
not any more. I’m not leaving you now. Don’t cry.’

Relief washed
over her. She said, ‘I love you so very much. How could I not?’

‘I can think of
a few reasons,’ he murmured. ‘Most recently, the way I behaved
earlier. I’ve waited for what has seemed a very long time to tell
you that I loved you … and then to hurl the words at you in temper
… well, for that, I can only apologise.’

‘Please don’t.
There’s no need. You had every right --’

‘No I didn’t.
No right at all and only the vestige of an excuse - in that I had
been more frightened than ever in my life before that I wouldn’t
find you safe. Or, worse, not at all.’ Drawing her down to sit on
the sofa, he dropped on one knee before her so that he could look
into her face and, holding both of her hands, said with a smile, ‘I
offered to do this once before, if you remember. You should have
let me.’

Adeline shook
her head and tried to pull him towards her.

‘No. Not yet.
Look at me.’ And, when the lucent, dark-fringed eyes locked with
his, he said, ‘I once told Rosalind I was looking for a duchess. It
wasn’t true. What I wanted was a wife who would occupy every corner
of my heart and set my blood on fire; a woman I could make the very
core of my being and who I hoped might feel the same about me. When
you and I married, very little of that existed between us and yet I
had an unreasoning instinct that, one day, it would. This, finally,
is that day. I love you and want you more than I dreamed was
possible … and nothing will ever hurt you again while I have breath
in my body.’ He paused, the dark eyes still looking deep into hers.
‘And now it’s your turn to believe. Do you?’