Messed Up (13 page)

“
Do you want to go across the street to Roasters?” Conner asked before we’d reached my car, “They have this chocolate mint tea that I want you to try.”

“
That sounds good, and strange.” We began walking in the direction of the coffee shop. I felt so at ease with Conner that I didn’t think twice before announcing “I have a boyfriend, I think.”

“
You sound a little confused about that,” he replied smiling.

“
I just mean I’m seeing someone. I’m not sure that he is officially my boyfriend, but I hope that’s the direction it’s headed. I think it is,” I paused to look at him and continued, “I hope that’s okay with you. I’d really like to be your friend.”

He looked at me and grinned, “I’m not surprised you have a boyfriend, I’d be surprised if you didn’t. Maybe a little disappointed, though,” he paused as we dashed across the street toward the coffee shop, “But being friends with you is a good alternative.”

We ordered drinks and made our way to a small table tucked into the back corner of the shop.

“
So, tell me about your quasi boyfriend,” Conner asked taking a sip from his mug.

I thought for a long moment. I realized I was having a difficult time thinking of something to say about Levi that didn’t deal directly with his looks. Finally I said, “He’s really unique.”

“
Unique?”

“
And smart,” I added.

“
That’s good,” he commented.

“
But mainly he is amazingly hot,” I admitted.

“
Ah hah, now were getting somewhere,” he smiled.

“
But it’s more than that. I really like being with him. He’s intriguing,” I said making my voice sound mysterious. “Not to mention he has a tattoo, which is pretty damn sexy,” I laughed feeling myself blush slightly.

“
What’s it of?” Conner asked curiously, “Wait, let me guess… Sponge Bob?” he laughed.

“
As if,” I said pretending to be flabbergasted by the suggestion, “No, it’s an infinity symbol with a double cross coming out of the top. I have no clue what it means.”

Conner stared at me with a strange expression on his face.

“
What?” I said with a laugh.

“
That’s a sign of the devil from like medieval times,” he replied with raised eyebrows.

“
Well that proves it. He’s a devil worshiper,” I said sarcastically, “I’m sure it has other meanings,” then changing the subject swiftly, “What about you? Are you seeing anyone?”

“
Nope,” he sighed. I condemned myself silently for being happy about Conner’s single status.

“
Have you ever had a serious girlfriend?”

“
Yeah, we broke up last winter. She moved to Nevada and we knew the whole long distance thing wouldn’t work.”

“
I know what you mean, sort of,” I said somberly. I gave him a quick rundown of Hannah moving away and my complete meltdown that had followed.

“
What was she like?” I asked, returning the focus of our conversation to Conner.

“
Jenny was, or
is
, really special. She has this infectious and easy laugh. The kind of laugh that makes you feel like everything you say is the funniest thing she’s ever heard. She is incredibly kind and giving and honest,” as he spoke I could see his mind picturing her.

“
Sounds like you really loved her,” I commented.

“
Yeah, I
do
really love her,” he sighed, “but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

“
She was like the tomato that you really wanted on your burger,” I said referring to his comment the day before, “but it slid off onto the floor and you can’t put it back on. You’ve got to just keep on eating the burger even though it doesn’t taste as good.”

He laughed, “You’ve really taken Zen and the art of hamburger making to a deeper level, Chelsea. I’m impressed.”

“
So is Jenny cute?” I asked curious to hear about Conner’s type.

“
Yes, beautiful,” he said simply, as a gloomy expression settled on his face.

We went on to talk about other subjects like school, friends, family, and surfing. Apparently Conner was an avid surfer and like most people who are passionate about a pastime, he was convinced that I would find surfing as enjoyable as he did. I was skeptical; the thought of being in freezing cold water did not sound like my idea of a good time. Alas, by the end of the night I had agreed to give it a try and he had agreed to read
Catcher in the Rye
, although I thought the compromise was a little lopsided in his favor.

Conner walked me back to my car, promising to pick me up bright and early the next morning for my first surfing lesson. He gave me another one of his cozy bear hugs and once more I felt like I could live happily in his arms for the remainder of my life. And because I’d now lost all my reservations about appearing like an ass in front of Conner, I told him so.

“
I’d be happy to have you live here,” he said, resting his chin on my head, “but I think it would make walking awkward.”

“
True,” I concurred. I pulled away and got into my car. I watched him wave goodbye as I drove out of the parking lot.

I had a nagging suspicion that I wouldn’t be able to sleep that night. I felt all keyed up, probably in good part due to the caffeine content of the tea I’d had with Conner. The fact that I was still worried about someone breaking into my room, didn’t help either, nor did the likelihood that I would have another nightmare. So I decided to take a couple allergy pills. I knew from experience that they would knock me out quickly.

As I lay in bed waiting for the grogginess to set in, I thought about Conner. I hoped that he would be happy to just be my friend. It seemed like he would. I hadn’t felt so at ease with anyone in my life except for Hannah. I somehow knew that Conner would accept me, just the way I was. I reached over to set my alarm clock, just as my cell phone rang.

“
Hey Mister,” I said after seeing that it was Levi on my caller ID.

“
Hi,” he sounded cold, distant.

“
Are you still in Tahoe?” I asked conversationally.

“
Yup.”

“
You’re feeling quite chatty tonight,” I observed sarcastically.

He was silent. For a moment I thought he’d hung up, but he finally said, “What are you doing tomorrow?”

There was something about the way he said it, so annoyed, that I felt like he already knew, which was impossible. Wasn’t it?

“
I’m going to the beach with my friend Conner,” I said casually, “He’s gonna teach me how to surf.” The phone was silent, so I continued, “I’m sure I will be terrible.”

“
Probably.” Nice, Levi
.

“
Is there a problem?” I finally asked.

“
I’m just a little surprised. I leave you alone for two days and you go off with some other guy,” he said coldly.

I could feel myself beginning to panic, “Levi, he’s just a friend. It’s no big deal, seriously. It’s not like that.”

“
Whatever.”

“
Levi,” I could hear my voice shaking.

“
I’ll call you when I get back,” he said, his voice now disinterested.

“
When will you…” I heard the phone click off before I’d finished my sentence.

11

A wave of panic surged through my body as I looked down at my now silent phone. I tried to take a deep breath, but the tears began before I could contain them, big frustrated tears. I was mad at Levi for being so cold, but more I was furious at myself. Why was I complicating things when they were going so well? I put my face in my pillow, crying silently, wondering if I should call Conner and cancel or call Levi and beg him to forgive me.

After calming down a bit, I tried to think rationally. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was clear with Conner that we were only going to be friends. I am allowed to have friends, I thought, getting a little angry again. Levi is just going to have to deal with that. He should trust me. Then I remembered Levi’s heartbreaking family drama, he couldn’t trust his parents, that’s for sure. It was probably hard for him to trust anyone. I wondered if I had ruined everything. The thought of his icy voice made my stomach recoil.

The combination of allergy pills and conflicted emotions made my body feel suddenly exhausted. I could hardly keep my eyes opened. I dialed Levi’s phone in a daze. It rang twice and I was not surprised when it went to voicemail.

“
Levi,” I could hear my voice crack, “This is Chelsea. I really wish you could trust me. Please trust me. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. Ever. If you really don’t want me to go, I won’t, but I think you should trust me. Please.” I shut the phone and let it drop to the floor. I closed my eyes and fell fast asleep.

I was awoken early the next morning by a loud knocking on my bedroom door. I opened my eyes wearily, and grumbled, “I’m sleeping!”

“Did you forget the surf lessons you signed up for?” asked Conner’s friendly voice.

“Oh shoot! Sorry, Conner. I overslept,” I stumbled out of my bed and opened the door, not concerned in the slightest that my hair was probably a bird’s nest and my morning breath might knock him off his feet.

He smiled at me, “Are you still up for going?”

I went back to my bed and flopped onto my stomach covering my head with a pillow as last night’s conversation with Levi came flooding back into my mind.

“
Give me a second,” I mumbled.

“Is everything okay?” he asked sounding concerned. From under a pillow, I replayed the conversation I’d had with Levi to Conner. He listened attentively and then said, “It’s up to you Chelsea. I obviously want to hang out with you today, and I think that you deserve to be with someone who trusts you. I know you really like Levi, but are you willing to give up friendships because it makes him jealous?” his question was sincere, not rhetorical.

I thought about it for a second, “I don’t know,” I said honestly.

“You really like him, huh?”

I nodded, tears filling my eyes. I could feel Conner’s warm hand rubbing my back, comforting me. I sat up and moved into his arms, he held me close, and once again, I felt all my troubles begin to melt away. We sat like that for a long time. I eventually pulled myself away and stood up.

“
So what all do I need for this surfing lesson,” I asked, tossing him my tattered copy of
Catcher in the Rye.
Conner grinned at me, his face happy.

The road to the beach meandered through golden valleys spotted with cows and sheep, and curved over a steep mountain range. As we came down the other side of the mountain we entered a fog bank that signified the ocean was near.

Conner and I talked about our families. I told him all about my sister and her tumultuous teenage years, starting with getting kicked out of high school for smoking pot in the girl’s restroom and ending with her rolling her boyfriend’s truck in the middle of the night on a drunken trip to the coast. Conner seemed most interested in how she had pulled her life together by working two jobs and getting good grades at the Junior College and eventually graduating from UC Berkeley.

“Most people are more interested in the part where Julie’s getting into trouble, but you like the happy ending,” I observed.

He thought about it for a second, “You know what I think? Being bad is easy. The hard part is doing the right thing, the decent, moral thing.”

“Is it hard for you? Doing the right thing?” I asked inquisitively.

“Sometimes,” he admitted, “I don’t always know what the right thing is.” I watched Conner’s face become serious as he pondered this. He looked so engrossed in his thoughts that I decided to let the conversation drop.

We finally arrived at the little beach town of Bolinas. It consisted of nothing more than a small restaurant, a one cash register grocery store, and a couple dozen houses. Conner parked his truck and we began unloading the surfboards. The one that Conner had chosen for me was at least double my size. I could tell instantly that the board and I would not be becoming friends anytime soon. We made our way across the sand and to the edge of the water, Conner carrying both of our boards. I wondered how I was going to manage my surfboard in the turbulent water if I couldn’t on the safety of land.

We stripped down to our bathing suits, my eyes cautiously taking in Conner’s body. It was nothing like Levi’s. Conner’s chest was not overtly muscular like Levi’s, but it was still defined. He was skinnier and at least six inches shorter. Conner was very tan, probably from spending so much time at the beach. His skin looked smooth and warm. He caught me looking at him, and instead of being embarrassed, as I should have been, I just said, “Looking good, Conner.”

He laughed, “Why, thank you.”

We pulled on our wetsuits and waded into the freezing water. I could feel myself holding my breath as I stood on tiptoes, attempting to keep as much of my body out of the water as possible. Conner reached down and strapped the Velcro band from my surfboard’s leash to my ankle.

“
Lay down on your board,” he instructed.

“
Is that totally necessary?” I asked as I hesitantly placed my body on the long surfboard, shivering in the iciness of the salty water.