Messed Up (23 page)

I must have fallen asleep because by the time I noticed that it was my phone that was ringing, not just my head, the sun had gone down, and my room was completely dark. I checked the caller ID. It was Conner. He was supposed to come over to help me pack. I didn’t want to see him. I would have to tell him about Levi and I was too ashamed.

My house phone began to ring. I was sure it was Conner again. I stared up at the ceiling, letting the phone eventually go silent.

It could have been ten minutes or maybe an hour, but eventually I heard knocking on my front door. I could hear Conner’s voice calling my name. He sounded worried. I would have to answer the door, but could I really make it all the way down the stairs? I wondered. As it turned out, I didn’t have to. The knocking had moved to my window.

“Chelsea,” his voice was on the verge of frantic, “Please open up. I need to know you’re okay.” It took all of my strength to push myself up enough to unlock the window. I flopped back down as Conner slid open the window and climbed in. He leaned over me, his eyes deep with worry. He put his hand on my forehead; his skin felt cold against my hot face. He moved toward the door, almost knocking over the puke filled trash can, which he then picked up and carried out of the room with him.

When Conner returned, he had a wet wash cloth and a glass of water. I suddenly became aware that my throat was bone dry. Conner put his arm gently behind my back and lifted me up so that I could sip from the glass. The water felt icy as it traveled through my mouth and down my throat. He laid me back down and placed the washcloth gingerly on my forehead.

“Becca told me you had food poisoning. Are you okay?” he asked in a hushed voice.

I shook my head. No, I wasn’t okay, and no, it wasn’t food poisoning, although I’m sure deep fried pork from the mall hadn’t helped the situation any.

“Is there anything I can get you?” his voice was so tender, so kind. I could feel the tears finally begin to arrive on the scene, as if waiting for their cue.

I swallowed hard. I looked up at him. Cold tears made their way down my hot cheeks. “Will you hold me?” I croaked, my throat still as dry as the summer’s sidewalk.

Conner kicked off his shoes, and climbed into bed next to me. I rolled toward him so I could position myself into the crook of his body where I knew I fit perfectly. Poor Conner. Here I was, hot and smelling of vomit and, for all he knew, contagious with the swine flu. Yet he was willing to hold me close, breath me in, love me in spite of it all. The list of
quirky personality traits
Conner found cute about me must have been pretty long, how else could you possibly explain that kind of dedication?

I began to slowly regain some sense of reality. Conner’s hugs had such an amazing power to make me feel like I could face anything. I eventually admitted, “I don’t have food poisoning.”

“Are you pregnant?” Conner asked hesitantly.

“No!” I said indignantly.

“Sorry, it seemed like a reasonable explanation,” I could see him blush even in the near complete darkness.

“Reasonable if I’d ever actually had sex or were you thinking more along the lines of Immaculate Conception,” I said, almost laughing, which felt kind of wrong considering I had just been so upset that I’d spent the afternoon expelling the contents of my stomach. Emotions are such fickle things, at least mine apparently are. I went on to describe the scene at the denim wall at Macy’s. I considered leaving out the part about unwanted or possibly forced sex, but I found it pointless to keep anything from Conner, knowing I’d tell him it all eventually anyway.

“Chelsea, I feel sick to think that he could have done that to you. Not the cheating part. I mean that’s bad, but we’re all young, it sucks, but it happens, it almost did with us. But the other part. I don’t know what I would do if he… If he’d raped you. The sick part is he almost did. I should have done something. I just sat by as you blamed yourself,” he sounded disgusted.

“Stop. I didn’t want you to do anything. You are my friend, not my body guard, Conner. You did the right thing. You always do the right thing. And if he had hurt me like that,” I breathed in and then spoke the word quietly, “If he had raped me, then you would have done the right thing then too and been my friend and listened to me cry and held me and supported me. That’s what I would want from you. Always.”

We were quiet for a moment; both of us lost in our own thoughts, then Conner asked the inevitable question, the one that I wasn’t ready to deal with, “So, what are you going to do?”

“I guess I’ll break up with him,” as I said it, it sounded so easy. The sick part is that I was ambivalent. I had just found out these terrible things about Levi, and yet I wasn’t ready for the story to end. I knew that when I heard his voice my heart and resolve would melt, and I would second guess my decision. But, it had to be done. “I’m going to call him now,” I said definitively. I had the momentum. I needed to get it over with.

Conner went to the kitchen so I could have some privacy. I dialed Levi’s number, my heart beating faster with each digit. The phone rang once and he picked up.

“Hey,” he sounded happy to hear my voice. Crap, I thought, this would be easier if he wasn’t being sweet.

I took a deep breath, “Levi,” my voice was still horse, “Something bad happened today.”

“What?” he spit the word out angrily, like he anticipated my next words.

“I was at the mall, and I happened to overhear Camille and Mandy. They were talking about you,” I wasn’t trying to drag things out, but I couldn’t seem to get my mouth to say the words.

“What. Did. They. Say?” he said each word slowly, separately. He sounded severely pissed off.

I swallowed hard, “That you’ve been sleeping with Camille the whole time we’ve been together,” I finally said, deciding to leave out the forced sex part. One thing at a time.

He started laughing like I had just said the punch line of a hilarious joke, “Oh they got you good Punky!”

“I don’t think so Levi,” I said puzzled, “They didn’t know I was listening.”

“Those girls are ruthless bitches. They are always doing this shit. Think of it as hazing, because they know you are going to be around for a while. This is how they’re introducing you to their little club. Don’t worry, I’ll deal with them. They’ll leave you alone.”

“What are you saying?” I demanded, my voice spilling over with frustration, “That they knew I was hiding behind a stack of jeans and they just made it all up? How would they do that Levi?”

He laughed again, “I don’t know the method to their madness, Chelsea. That’s the way they are,” and then he added more seriously, “Did you really think I would do that to you? That I would betray you like that?”

“Well, what was I supposed to think?” My mind was reeling. What was I suppose to think? Had they really plotted that whole thing? Or was Levi lying to me? I was completely disorientated by his words.

“You’re supposed to trust me for fuck’s sake,” he said hostilely, “I trust you. I’ve been turning a blind eye to all the time you spend with that Conner guy. For all I know he is there with you right now. But I told you I would trust you, and I guess I would expect the same from you. I already said there is nothing between me and Camille. She’s like my fucking sister, Chelsea,” his voice was thick with hurt and anger.

I suddenly found myself apologizing, “I’m sorry Levi. I guess I just jumped to conclusions. You’re right. I should trust you. I do trust you.”

When I walked into the kitchen a couple minutes later, I found Conner at the stove making grilled cheese sandwiches. He stopped what he was doing and looked up at my confused expression.

“How did it go,” he asked slowly, his brow wrinkling.

“I’m not sure what just happened,” I said vacantly as I sat down at the counter. Conner placed a sandwich in front of me, “He said it was all a prank that Camille and Mandy were playing on me,” I continued, “He said they do this kind of thing all the time. Like hazing or something.”

“And you believe him?” Conner stated, his voice sounding slightly aggravated.

“I don’t know what to believe,” I put my head down on the counter, “I just spent the entire afternoon literally sick with the thought that my boyfriend had repeatedly cheated on me with an unwilling participant, and now everything has been reversed. Just like that.”

Conner exhaled loudly, and came around to sit down next to me. He began eating his grilled cheese in silence. I watched him chew. I could tell he wasn’t saying anything, because he was trying to collect his thoughts. Conner never shot from the hip. Everything he said was calculated and reasoned, rather than based on pure emotion. This was a quality that made Conner seem much older than his sixteen years.

“You know what the truth is,” he sounded certain of this, “It’s in here somewhere,” he patted my back, “Give it time, Chelsea. Spend the next couple of days while we’re camping thinking about it. Trust your instincts. You’re a smart cookie. You’ll figure it out,” he smiled half-heartedly. Clearly he was giving me way too much credit. My instincts, as it turns out, were shit.

21

That night, as usual, I lay in bed, wide awake, my thoughts pestering me like Chinese water torture. I felt like an idiot. Who has such a violent physical reaction to emotional pain? I was certifiably crazy, that much I was sure of. Conner was right though, I needed to look at the whole picture of Levi objectively to determine if he was trustworthy. Of course, objectivity seemed like an impossibility when it came to Levi. I knew that if I sat down and made a list of all the non-trustworthy things that Levi had done, the truth would come jumping out at me like a jack-in-the-box, but just like before, Levi would be able to easily persuade me otherwise on each item. I’d always considered myself to be above average in the territory of logic and reason; I was beginning to think I’d just never really been tested.

I could see Bryce slouched over his iPhone, as I entered the food court the next morning. Dang, I thought. I hadn’t seen him since the incident with the acid, and he’d been such a jerk then, I wasn’t looking forward to our reunion. I ducked under the counter and nodded to him without speaking. I kept myself busy by unnecessarily restacking the cups. Bryce continued to ignore me and any customers that came to the counter. I guess this was a solo shift after all, I thought bitterly. Reason number one to never employ your own children, they won’t do a damn thing.

When business slowed to its usual snail pace, I called Conner to confirm the details of our camping trip, “So do you think it was unwise to pack a pair of slippers,” I asked him, knowing he would get a good chuckle out of my ineptness around camping.

“Depends,” he answered with a laugh, “Are they bunny or Care Bear?”

“Moose actually,” I joked.

“Oh, in that case, I think you’re fine.”

“Fabulous. I’ll drive over as soon as I’m off.”

“Sounds good. See you soon.”

I went into the office to see if my paycheck had come in. I figured I should get it in the bank before heading to BFE. I was thumbing through a stack of paystubs when Bryce walked in. The office was tiny, not much larger than a standard walk-in closet, so his presence made the space feel immediately cramped.

“Hey Chelsea…” he stammered.

“Shouldn’t you be doing your job,” I pointed out without looking up.

“How much do you like this Conner guy?” he asked, his voice timid.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I looked at him, trying to determine where he was going with his line of questioning.

“Just that if you like him enough, you’ll cancel your little camping trip.”

“What is your friggin’ problem Bryce?” I practically yelled.

“What’s yours Chelsea?” he shot back at me, looking disgusted, “I always thought you were smart, but I am beginning to think I had you all wrong.”

I looked at him in confused silence.

“Don’t you have any idea what Levi is capable of?” Bryce said in a heated whisper, “I mean, you saw him with that meth head. Do you really believe he didn’t have every intention of bringing you in there? Chelsea, wake up! That was his whole fucking plan. You were there as a diversion. He was never going to pay that tweeker anything. He just needed the right kind of distraction so he could take it from him.”

“That’s not true,” I said weakly, knowing in my heart it probably was.

“Levi always gets what he wants Chelsea. Nothing can stand in his way. If you go off on this camping trip,” he took a breath to calm himself, “I’m going to have to tell Levi.”

“What are you? His personal spy? If you’re so concerned about it, don’t say anything,” I challenged weakly.

“I’m not the only one he’s got watching you,” Bryce said, looking over his shoulder, as if he expected someone to walk in at any moment, “If I didn’t tell him, he would find out anyway and then we’d both be fucked.”

I froze at his words.

“Haven’t you noticed?” Bryce continued in a hushed voice, “He knows what you’re doing every second of the day.” My mind flashed on all the times Noah had happened to be walking by the food court while I was at work, how I’d been sure I’d seen Calvin that time at the beach, how Levi had known that Conner had left my house exactly forty-five minutes earlier. I could feel my heart begin to beat at double speed.