Metanoia (8 page)

“
I can’t,” she
whispered.

“
Why not?”

“
Because I just can’t,
alright! I don’t know how to react to this. I feel hurt that you’ve
had to go through this pain, but I don’t know how to make it
better…”

“
It’s easy,
just…”

“
No,” she
interrupted. “It’s too much - it’s all just too much. How can I
tell you I love you when I don’t know who I am? I
don’t
know who I am.
Would you after what’s happened? What if I’m not her, what if I’m
not the queen? If that’s true than you don’t truly love me – or
worst you’ve fallen in love with me and have to deal with the
conflicts that arise when she returns and remembers. I’m just
filling a role. A role for the Nythagiéns and especially for
you.”

“
Gina, it’s you I love
because you really are her,” Leyance coaxed.

“
You don’t know that, not
for sure. I can’t complicate my life and yours further.”

“
No, you can be true to
yourself. Please…” he began and kissed her cheek. Gina paused,
wanting to hold him close, but was unable to. A single tear rolled
down her cheek.

“
I can’t now,” she stated
coldly, pulling back. Leyance let go of her. After a long pause, he
responded.

“
Alright.” With that, he
got up and walked out the door, closing it behind him. As soon as
the big doors met together, the tears came streaming down Gina’s
face. Her eyes never left where he had disappeared.

So here I
am
, she thought.
Heaven, paradise, utopia – but no longer. I can’t do this. I
can’t even sort out my own feelings so how am I suppose to act on
those feelings towards Leyance and my people. I’m not their queen!
I can’t be, I just can’t…

Gina knew she would never be the same again
as she sat in the dark, tears freely flowing, believing that
nothing could become worse. Yet, in a few short hours, she would
find herself proven wrong yet again.

Leyance’s heart sank. The woman he loved
could not bring herself to love him and the knife dug deep. There
was no way he could sleep, so he meandered through Nythagié. He saw
the lit river, the quiet homes here and there tucked into the
trees, the manor, Gina’s balcony… It hurt to look there, but he
found himself staring there the longest. For a split second,
Leyance almost thought he saw her shadow at the window, but he
blinked and, yet again, she was simply something out of his
reach.

Traveling further, Leyance’s gaze shifted to
the hills, which then went on to grow into mountains. Sitting on
one of the hills, he saw the faint outline of a cottage. It was
there that he and his fiancé had sat many hours simply to relax and
be in the company of the other. It was there that he had asked her
to marry him. It was there that she had accepted. It was there that
they had spoken promises to only each other and the night.

A sigh escaped Leyance’s lips, and he turned
back to the manor. He walked up the steps and through the halls.
Walking past the council room, he saw a familiar figure.

“
Fheyrhil, don’t you ever
sleep?” he asked. Fheyrhil smiled.

“
I am unable to for the
same reason as you,” he replied.

“
Highly doubt that. You
can’t sleep because Gina doesn’t love you?” he joked.

“
Because she will not admit
her feelings for you. If she fears that, then she fears all. Gina
is breaking slowly,” he stated.

“
I know she is. I feel it
too.” He paused, pondering. “Did you know that I just…?”

“
Visited Gina? You know I
do.”

“
That is an awesome power
to possess, Fheyrhil. The Gift of Knowledge is always good to
have.”

“
Yet, it comes with a
price. Sometimes knowing only offers more confusion. Gina would
understand such a statement.”

“
All too well,” Leyance
replied. “What should we do about this?”

“
About her memory or about
your relationship?” he asked smiling. Leyance smiled nervously. He
didn’t want to admit it, but his key goal was to help Gina remember
loving him. Through that he had hoped that she would remember
all.

“
It does not work like
that,” Fheryhil answered to Leyance’s silent thoughts. “Yet, you
will not change approaches.”

“
I can’t. I still feel that
she’ll remember through remembering she loved me.”

“
The prophecies above all
rule. You cannot change them. You cannot stop Gina from meeting
that evil.”

“
But what if remembering
through that evil kills her?” Leyance asked fearfully.

“
That could perhaps happen,
but I do not believe that will be her fate.” Fheryhil paused. He
understood Leyance’s position and felt pity. He also understood
Gina’s confusion and how she was at the edge of sanity. He felt it
in his connected heart. “Leyance,” he began, “Gina needs rest and
relaxation. You want yet another chance to prove your love. These
being true, take this: bring Gina to that old cottage you saw
tonight. There perhaps she can relax before returning to duties.
Yet, I also leave you with this advice. She will not remember the
way you wish her to. So, be caring and ask of her feelings, not
just telling of your own. This way you will understand her better
and will find a better path to her heart.”

Leyance’s sorrow lifted. Perhaps this was the
key.

“
I will do it,” he
resolved. “How long do you expect will be needed?”

“
A few days,” came his
reply. “You may take her there tomorrow.”

“
It will be done.” He
turned to leave, feeling a sense of purpose, his heart being
settled, yet he turned again. “Thank you, Fheyrhil.” Then he was
gone. Fheyrhil silently watched him go.

“
You are welcome, my boy.
You are welcome.”

Awaking from a restless sleep, Gina felt
drained. She dreaded the day ahead which was to be filled with
training, long hours, and more time to ponder on her feelings than
she wanted to be submitted to. Sighing, she dragged herself out of
bed and made her way over to her closet and began to dress.

Once outside, Gina hurried to the training
field. Yet, as she arrived, she realized that no one was there.

“
Gloria?”
she called. “Kaleb?” Still no one came.
Perhaps they are running late?
she
thought but highly doubted it. She looked around and noticed
something on the ground. A long-stemmed crystal rose with a note.
She marveled at the rose and touched it gently with her finger.
Upon touching it, she found that, despite its appearance, it was
not crystal. It was a real rose. Next, the note was
opened.

Dearest Gina,

Please forgive me for last night. I
shouldn’t have pushed you as I did; I suppose I just do not know
how to approach this. One thing I do know is that I should be
helping you through this a little better than I have. Fheyrhil and
I have seen that this transition is not an easy one for you and
understandably so. He has asked that you be taken away from this
for a while, so you can relax. I’ll help you in any way I can, for
I will accompany you on this small vacation. Please meet me at the
base of the main steps at 10:00 with what you wish to bring.
Hopefully this will give you a much-needed break. I’ll see you
then.

Forever Yours,

Leyance

As Gina lowered the note,
her head spun with confusion. She was relieved to be excused from
her duties. She had known that sanity was escaping her and that
time was needed to mend it. Yet, time was also needed to mend her
heart. A few days alone with Leyance might only lead to more
heartache and confusion. Gina turned back to the note.
I’ll help you in any way I can, for I will
accompany you on this small vacation.
He
would be with her, and there was no way to avoid him. Not anymore.
With a sigh, Gina dragged her feet back to the manor and started
packing.

At 9:55, Leyance sat on the steps. He
marveled at the beautiful morning that was around him. So much
excitement was in his heart this morning, for he knew he would have
much wanted time alone with Gina. She, however, was not nearly as
excited but rather fearful and worried. Nevertheless, she showed up
at the appointed time. Leyance’s eyes lit up when he saw her, and
he ran up to meet her.

“Good morning,” he greeted her.

“Morning,” she
said.
God, why do those eyes have to be so
captivating?
she wondered silently.
Quickly, she pulled her gaze away.

They started their small journey to the
cottage. Gina lagged a little behind him, still unwilling to be
alone with him. All too soon, they reached the small house. Leyance
opened the door and held it for her.

“
After you,” he said,
grinning.

“
You first,” she replied,
yet seeing his eyes quickly added, “please.” He glanced at her
strangely then entered first. She followed. The cottage basically
consisted of a large room with a separate bathroom to the side. It
seemed to be pretty old. The wood was weathered, and it did not
seem to take on a magical appearance like the other houses. A bed
sat positioned in a corner, a comfortable lounge chair in another,
and a couch on the other side of the room with a coffee table in
front of it. It actually reminded Gina of the houses back
home.

“
Home sweet home,” Leyance
shared. “Well, at least for a few days.”

“
Whatever.” She threw her
stuff by the bed and laid down on it, letting her legs hang over
the side. Leyance watched her. Sighing, he sat down next to
her.

“
You don’t want to be here,
do you?” He turned to look at her. She met his glance. “I mean you
don’t want to be here with me. Well, I can’t blame you. I’ve made
you feel uncomfortable.”

“
No you
haven’t.”

“
You obviously know how I
feel about all of this, but this isn’t about me. It’s about you.
How do you feel?” he asked, feeling a little awkward. She sent him
a weird glance which made him feel even more uncomfortable. “It’s
just that I want you to relax, and you can’t when you are holding
all these feelings inside – or so I’ve heard.”

“
You don’t want to hear my
problems,” she said. “Besides, when you talk to a guy about a
situation, he’s usually not involved in it.”

“
True, but is there anyone
else who would be easier to talk to?”

“
Not really.”

“
Well, if you want to
talk…If not that’s fine.” With that, he went around to the other
side of the bed, sat down on it, and relaxed against the headboard.
They rested in silence for awhile. After what seemed like hours,
Gina spoke.

“
I feel lost.”

“
How so?”

“
Like I
have no clue who I am. Am I Gina Cassidy: a student most of my life
who lives in California with friends and a mythology book? Or am I
Queen Regina: ruler of Nythagié and fiancé to…” she stopped
suddenly. She couldn’t say it. “I’m totally confused. I have no
sense of purpose, no sense of identity. I don’t know who I am! It’s
worse than amnesia! And you… I know you’re only trying to help, and
I can only imagine the pain you’ve gone through. The woman you love
is killed…” She shivered at the words. “And then when she actually
comes back she can’t remember you. Well, I mean if it was me, which
it isn’t but, umm, well you know what I mean.”
I’m babbling like an idiot!
she
thought. She rolled over to face Leyance.

“
Anyway, I’m not making it
any easier on you I know. I’m just trying to save you the hurt in
the end. Yes, I know that doesn’t make any sense – but I really am.
I mean imagine, you, well, umm, fall for me and then your real
fiancé returns. Can you just imagine? She’d be heart broken as
would you as well as confused and it would be because of me! This
is all because of me! Why can’t this be over? There is only one
thing that can come out of me being in Nythagié – pain and
suffering. It sounds strange even as I say it, but I know it’s
true. Look at you. You are in so much pain right now. I see it. I
know you want me to love you, but only more pain can come from
that. Can you see it? Oh, and the whole thing about being a warrior
and leading battles? Yeah, news flash – we couldn’t win with me as
a leader! Everyone would be hurt or killed and it would be my
fault! What about my friends? I haven’t seen or heard them in
forever. They could be sick and I wouldn’t know. I can’t talk to
them, they can’t talk to me. What if the Übels come back into my
world? I know, it’s impossible but whatever. It isn’t as impossible
as it sounds. My world, my home. I need to go back there. Don’t you
see? I was never meant to be here. I was meant to be in the safety
of my home reading my mythology books and dreaming I was here. Oh,
I need to shut up!” She tried to stop it, but the tears started to
flow. “Now, I’m complaining and making you feel like I don’t care
about you or this land or what are supposed to be my people. I was
rude to Fheyrhil and now I’m being rude to you. I’m losing my
sanity. I know I’m hurting those around me by my actions and now by
my words, but I can’t stop. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
Leyance…” She just cried. That’s all she could do. Leyance leaned
over and pulled her towards him.