Midnight (McKenna Chronicles Book 1) (29 page)

Excusing
myself, hoping Colleen hasn’t caught on to my panic, I seek solace away from
the party. Her words echo in my head: do I love him?
Can
I love him? I
groan, thankful the hum of the crowd is loud and I’m not heard.

The
brewery has a back patio; tonight a few heaters cover the space for the small
number of smokers choosing to partake. A couple standing off to the corner pay
little attention to my entrance. Walking in the opposite direction from them I
stare out into the vista. A grove of trees, longing for the spring thaw, fill
the valley below the deck. Their hiding spot is given up to the glow of patio
lights illuminating the surrounding area. 

The
heaters aren’t powerful enough to warm the edges of the porch, and without a
jacket my arms and back chill immediately. Wrapping my arms around myself, I’m
drawn to thoughts of Colin. Is it true I love him? The strange pull when he’s
near, the electric connection we share, my desire for him . . . surely all of
this is lust. Analyzing my actions and thoughts, it’s not long before it
becomes a certainty: I wake up thinking about him, my heart aches when he’s gone,
I’d walk through the gates of hell to protect him. I groan, closing my eyes as
my heart pumps heavy in my chest. Shit. I didn’t think I was capable of loving
him.

My
anger about the bracelet and with him earlier makes sense to me now. I love
him, and I wish he were capable of the same in return. The fear of losing him
has exponentially grown, and the rising panic I feel about leaving him is
debilitating. My knees weaken just thinking about it. We’re at an impasse. He
wants me to stay; there’s no doubt of that, yet, his feelings haven’t changed,
wishing for our relationship to remain as it is, limited to the physical
connection we so strongly share.

It’s
a sudden recognition by conscious thought or not: our relationship is changing,
becoming more intense, leading to more than a day-to-day existence. We’re
connected not only on a physical level, but emotional as well, something
neither Colin nor I anticipated early on. We simply enjoyed each other; now
there’s an all-consuming need to be with him, really be with him, more than his
mistress. I don’t want to be hidden away any longer, unable to hold his hand in
public, unable to attend events where our relationship could be suspected.
Could Colin ever feel the same way? Is Colleen right about his feelings too? Does
he love me? It’s an enticing thought, but also and more importantly so,
problematic, my past now the biggest complication. I promised myself I would
leave him, and protect him and his career from the truth. Has the time come?

I
remain outside, lost in troubled thoughts for I don’t know how long, my arms
frigid when I finally draw out of my stupor. Turning toward the door, it bursts
open. Colin stalks onto the patio, his eyes excited, worry tensing his brow.

His
shoulders sag as he sighs, relaxing as he draws near. “Charlie,” he breathes,
reaching for me, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

I
willingly slide into his arms, the welcoming heat a haven to my frigid flesh.
He clutches me, breathing deeply into my hair as his hands spread over the open
expanse of my back, heating it quickly.

“Don’t
leave me.” His words are barely a whisper. I still completely for a moment,
holding my breath. It’s as if he were reading my mind. Leaving is exactly what
I’ve been contemplating. Can I leave him? I know it’s the right thing to do,
but just the thought shatters my heart.

 “What’s
wrong?” Pushing away, Colin searches my face for the answer to his question.
 

“Nothing;
I just wanted some air. Let’s go back inside for dinner.”

He
doesn’t believe me, I can see it in his eyes, but he doesn’t press me further.
“You’re freezing, Charlie. You’ll get sick.” He slips out of his black suit
coat, wrapping it gently over my bare arms, rubbing his hand up and down and
repeatedly pressing his warm jacket into my chilled skin as we walk back into
the swarm of people.

~

The
party has come to a close. The throng of guests here to visit and support Colin
has gone, and only good friends and family remain. It’s approaching midnight, one of my easiest times. The closing of the day bearing the darkest hour,
bathing in the glory of the moon and stars. As a young girl, in my fear and to
protect myself, I would sit up all night. When midnight came I would pray the
dawn would bring peace, a new beginning, longing for my happily ever after.
Those silent moments, when my life was filled with so much dread, became a
haven; I still find peace in the hour of midnight.

The
large windows in the front of the brewery allow for an extraordinary view of
the clear night. The stars are bright in the early May sky, the moon a sliver
hiding behind a small haze of clouds. Soft music is piped in through the
speaker system contributing to my somber mood.

I
sense Colin coming for me; my eyes find his reflection in the large window.
He's standing with his hands in his pockets, a few yards behind, staring at me.
Slowly he walks forward and hesitates, his gait faltering before beginning
again. As he draws near I turn my head to the side to acknowledge him, my
features serene. His hands wrap gently around my hips, pulling me against his
chest. Leaning down he places a light kiss on my shoulder, inhaling deeply
while running his nose along my chilled skin.

“You’re
far away,” he says softly.

The
sultry voice of Norah Jones prevents my response, the impassioned notes
floating lightly through the air. I love this song. Turning to him, I place my
arms on his shoulders like we’re at a junior high dance and begin to sway my
hips to the slow movement of the music. He automatically moves with me. Looking
him in the eye, I start to sing softly
.

Colin’s
eyes don’t leave mine. Gathering my hand from his shoulder he begins to
properly dance with me, his other arm snaking around my waist and pulling me
closer into him. I wrap my arm around his neck, slipping my hand into the soft
waves of hair at the nape of his neck.
I want to steal him away to a time
and place where it’s just us.

I
lose myself in him; suddenly we are the only two people in the room. His hand
tightens on my waist, pulling me even closer into his length, as if we can
become one.

My
voice is low, only for Colin to hear. I plead with him
to leave the demands
of this life for one where the past won’t drive us apart.

My
breasts press into his chest, and our foreheads rest together as our connected
bodies sway in harmony.
I long to be with him without the pressures of his
career, to live simply and love deeply.

I
move my head into the crook of his neck, my breath on his skin. I beg him with
the tone of my voice
to
go away with me, where no one cares who we
are, where I can love him all day and all night,

I’ll
never stop loving him
. 

Oh,
how apropos these words are. I feel them deep in my soul, squeezing my eyes
shut, wishing our circumstances were different.

Colin
pulls our hands closer to him, our fingers threading together as we move
slowly, emotionally to the easy tempo. We’re connected physically and intensely
on a level neither of us understands.
Take me away from the prying eyes;
take me to a place where it’s safe to call you mine. It’s all I will ever ask out
of this life; take me away so I can love you.
Lifting my head from the warm
cocoon of Colin McKenna, I stare deeply into his eyes, my look beseeching as I
sing the last line just to him:
Come away with me
. His eyes are dark, a
hint of apprehension within their depths.

We
continue our dance even after the music ends. A new song plays but I pay no
attention to it. I’m lost in him; we are lost together. Finally displacing my
hand from his hair I move it gently to his cheek, slowly lifting my mouth to
his as he meets me halfway to brush his lips against mine in a sweet and tender
kiss.

“Let’s
go home,” he whispers harshly, his tone filled with desire.

“Yes.”

He
breaks from me and I grieve the sudden loss of his closeness. Keeping my head
turned into him, my eyes find his as he wraps an arm around the dip of my lower
back, leading us in the direction of the remaining guests. I draw in a deep
breath to clear the dark cloud penetrating my mood, plastering a superficial
smile on my lips. I look away from Colin to search for Blake and Carla,
immediately noting we were not as alone as I’d imagined. Colin’s parents and
the remaining Kelly clan are all watching us silently, mouths gaping open. My
cheeks flame, Colin’s tightening grip on my waist the only indication he's also
aware of our audience. 

Aiden,
a bit stupefied with drink, bellows, “That was a fine song, lassie, beautiful.”
He pounds Colin on the back awkwardly. We both stare at him, speechless, his
eyes glassy as he sways, giving away his inebriated state. Muffling a slight
burp between his lips, his hand moves to cover his mouth. “‘Scuse me.” I can’t
help myself as I start to giggle, the once superficial smile now reaching my
eyes.

Aiden’s
antics lighten the mood as we begin to say our goodbyes. The Kellys are
gracious hosts. Kissing and hugging each one, Colin releases my waist. I’m
passed around for hugs and a few overly eager kisses, including one from Aiden,
whose hand strays a little too low while hugging me goodbye.

“Aiden
Kelly!” I yelp, jumping back from him. His smile is contagious and I’m not
offended.

“S’good
to see you, Charlie.” Aiden’s voice is congenial. “You’re real good for him,
Lassie. Makes my heart happy to see Colin smile again.” He gives me another
quick hug, his hands behaving themselves this time.

My
last goodbye is to Carla. Tilting her head to one side, she looks at me as if
she’s a gypsy, reading my future like a map in her hand. Her eyes are warm, and
she holds my shoulders at arm’s length. Carla’s lips turn up in a kind smile.

“You’ll
figure it out, Charlie. Don’t let your worries interfere with your heart; let
the heart lead and you will dance to the moon.”

I
don’t know how to respond, her impromptu tarot card reading chilling in its
accuracy. Rubbing my upper arms, she pulls me in for a tight hug.

“He
cares about you, Charlie. Don’t lose sight of that.”

I
squeeze her; she could be a good friend to me if there was a future to have
with Colin.

~

Colleen,
Michael and Evan are with us in the limo, the atmosphere subdued and quiet.
Suddenly exhausted, I snuggle into Colin’s side, laying my head against his
shoulder, our hands locked together on his lap. My thoughts stray to the crux
of my problem: Can I leave Colin to save him? I have told myself over and over
I would leave in a heartbeat to protect him. Could I go back to life, as I knew
it before meeting him, the monotonous boredom of day-to-day living? My
existence seems very black-and-white prior to walking into the bright,
effervescent world of Colin McKenna.

My
stomach heaves at the thought. He has indelibly changed my future; whether it’s
a positive or negative change is yet to be seen. Colin is the relief I have
subconsciously sought for the emotional and physical famine I have suffered
from my entire adult life. No other man has induced passion within my brittle
heart; there hasn’t been anyone to break through the distorted preview of
physical intimacy I succumbed to. I love him.

Colin’s
hand squeezes mine; his lips every so often skim my hair. I breathe deep, long
calming breaths, anything to keep my rising panic at bay.

Thankfully
we arrive at the hotel quickly as there is very little traffic on the roads
after midnight. Saying goodbye to Evan and his parents when they depart on a
different floor, we promise to see them at breakfast.

Colin
is silent until the door to the suite closes behind us. Turning me into him, I
see the barely contained worry weighing heavy on his brow. Lifting my chin
until our eyes connect, he says, “What’s wrong, Charlie?” His tone is
demanding.

I
don’t know how to explain this, I’m not sure I want to. I can’t figure it all
out for myself yet, let alone talk to him about it. My fucking past is going to
ruin this, ruin me again—he won’t want me if he knows the truth. Oh God, why
did I agree to travel with him? I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I’m going
to get hurt again; not by Colin, but because I love him and I’ll have to leave.
There is no other way.

ONE
DAY AT
a time, Charlie
. The mantra begins in my head like it’s
playing on repeat, piping through the iPod.
One day at a time
. I love
him today; I want him tonight. Living in the moment, I throw myself at Colin,
my hands snaking into his hair, pulling his head to me, his lips to mine. His
breathing spikes at my sudden attack and I slide my tongue into his mouth,
forcing him into a passionate duel.

Caressing
my bare back, he searches for the zipper at the bottom of my dress. Finding it,
he pulls it down, touching the sensitive skin along my spine and following it
until a shiver spreads, hot and chilling at the same time, to every part of my
body. Bringing his hands to my shoulders, he breaks away, panting, and watches
intently while pushing the fine leather from my shoulders, the weight of the
dress dragging it easily down to the ground so it pools at my feet. I’m left in
black lace panties and a bustier wrapping low around my back, my breasts full,
bursting over the cups.

He
groans low in his chest, bringing his finger to run over them, starting by my
arm and drawing over the plumped curve to the dip in the center and across my
other breast. My heartbeat spikes and with it; I escape my fear and dive into
an irrational need to possess him, to make him mine, consume him with a desire
so deep, it’ll destroy any thoughts but those of me.