Midnight (McKenna Chronicles Book 1) (31 page)

I’ve
come this far; I have to get it out, all of it. “I didn’t know what to do. I
literally had just met and moved in with the Carters. Now, in hindsight, I know
I was in shock and not capable of anything. I was numb.

“Ali
told them. She told them everything. Mrs. Carter, my mom, came to me and hugged
me, rocking me in her arms like she loved me already.” Tears fall in a stream,
there’s no holding back. “She told me she would support me with whatever
decision I made.” I cry harder, knowing this is it.

I
look him in the eye to feel the full effects of the pain. It was my decision
and I have to pay for it. Every day of my life I pay for it in some way. Today
will be the ultimate loss: the loss of the man who has become so dear to me.

“I
had an abortion,” I whisper. The pain on his face remains. He stares wide-eyed
at me, unmoving, barely breathing.

I
say my final peace. “I have believed myself heartless from the moment I was
raped, and then when I ended the life of the baby I could never love. I
believed if I birthed a monster I would forever be in the grips of hell,
tormented my whole life, never to escape the pain Shane Roberts endured upon
me.” I spit out his name, poison on my tongue.

“I
didn’t believe I would ever have a relationship, feel cherished and want to
have sex,
enjoy making love
. I didn’t believe I was capable of falling
in love, ruined for life, if you will.” I look again at Colin, his face cold
and unreadable.

“Until
I met you; the moment I saw you my life changed forever. All of the things I
thought were impossible you have proved to be the opposite.” I finish on a
whisper.

He
doesn’t move, his face remaining unreadable. The silence becomes painful; he
must wish he never laid eyes on me. He would never want to be with a woman who
ended the life of a baby when his was so tragically taken from him.

I
pull my legs over the side of the bed, standing stiffly. Tremors course through
my body.

I
don’t know if my legs will support me so I grab for a chair near the bed.
Leaning on the back of it with both hands, my arms straight, bearing my weight,
I hang my head. Unable to stop them, tears and wracking sobs choke me, my
shoulders heaving from the enormous pain. The pain from fifteen years ago, the
pain I’ve inflicted on Colin and the pain I feel at losing him is all too much
for me to handle.

No
counseling could prepare me for this level of grief.

COLIN’S
BODY IS
next to me.

“Can
I touch you Charlie?” he asks softly.

What?
Touch me?
I lift my head to his barely visible face, the tears blinding. I
nod. Wrapping his arms around me, he slips my head into the crook of his neck,
the place I love most in this world. Whispering comforting words in my ear and
kissing my hair, he rocks me as I let the pain loose from within. At some point
he picks me up like a child in his arms, sitting with me in his lap on the
couch, rubbing my back.

Minutes
pass; how many I don’t know. Eventually the tears stop and my breathing returns
to normal, my eyes pressed into Colin’s neck, hiding my shame from him. I
concentrate on his warmth, his intoxicating musky smell and his arms closed
around me. My nose is running from crying. Colin, always sensing what I need,
hands me a tissue from the side table.

This
is the last time I’ll be with him.
That brings a new round of tears. I have
to face him; I know this. With what’s left of my courage I bring my head from
under his chin, sitting up to look into his eyes.

I’m
shocked by what I see. His brow is furrowed in concern, pain etched in his
face, and sorrow emanates from his eyes. No hatred or disdain is visible.
Colin’s hand rises to my cheek, long fingers flowing gently from temple to
chin, his thumb caressing my lower lip.

“Charlie,”
he whispers, so softly I barely hear him over the pounding of my heart.

“You
don’t hate me?” I ask, confused by his tenderness.

“Of
course not.” His brows draw down while tilting his head, stunned I would
believe it possible. “I could never hate you, Charlie.”

My
eyes blink rapidly, unsure what to say from here. He begins for me. “Charlie,
you have nothing to be ashamed of. What that boy did to you,” his voice shakes
with violence, his breathing harsh, “is unspeakable.” He closes his eyes to
calm his fierce response to my attacker. Opening them, he regains control.

“I’m
so, so very sorry, baby. I wish there were something within my control to ease
your pain.”

“Oh,
Colin.” I raise my hand to his face. “Just knowing you don’t hate me means more
than you will ever know.” My voice cracks because it’s so true.

“I
want to kiss you, Charlie; is that okay?”

Not
giving him any time to change his mind I dive into him, pulling his head down
to meet my demanding lips. He breathes deeply into my mouth, erasing my pain
with every gentle stroke of his tongue against mine. My hands cling to his
hair, pulling him into me as I try to climb into him. The tenderness of his
kiss has turned to fire at my insistence, desire for him coursing through my
body, always for him.

He
pulls back panting, “Charlie.” Shaking his head, he says, “Careful. I don’t
want to hurt you.”

My
heart sinks; he doesn’t want me. I close my eyes to fend off the newest barrage
of hurt trouncing my heart. I knew he wouldn’t. How could I have been so
foolish to hope he would?

Hanging
my head, I say defeated, “I should go.”

I
make a move to get off of Colin’s lap, but his arms suddenly tighten against my
waist, holding me in place. I don’t understand. Whipping up, I look into his
eyes and there is no doubt he can see the confusion in mine.

Staring
intently, he says, “I’m not being clear. Let me explain.” He pauses, appearing
to gather his thoughts. “I have very little control when it comes to you,
Charlie.” A sad smile pulls at the side of his lips. “From the very beginning I
couldn’t resist you, couldn’t say no to you. When I look at you I want to take
you to my bed; your touch inflames my blood with desire. When you kiss me like
that I want you badly.” He breathes in a deep breath. “I won’t take advantage
of you now and hurt you. You’ve entrusted a great deal of yourself with me
tonight; I won’t disrespect you by hauling you off to my bed.”

He
sighs before continuing, his hand pushing my wayward hair back from my eyes so
he can see me clearly. “I don’t want to hurt you. You’ve been through so much,
too much already; I won’t add to your pain.” His jaw clenches with violent
anger, his eyes blazing.

“You
still want me?” I ask confused. How could this man, perfect in every way, want
to be with Damaged Goods Carter?

Intensely,
passionately, he says, “Always, Charlie.”

Always;
he wants me always
. Slowly, giving him time to change his mind, I raise my
hand to his jaw, now rough with his growing beard. I lightly graze my fingers
over his cheek, moving up to caress over his right brow, into his glorious
waves that are longer now than when we started this journey together. I fist my
hand in his hair, hauling him to me, my lips brutal against his. I want to feel
him, erase any thoughts of the past that haunts me.

Colin
is very responsive, his mouth devastating mine with his fervor. Both of my
hands are in his hair, holding him prisoner with nowhere to escape. 
 

Pushing
against my shoulders, he leans away even as I haul him in. I follow his lips
with mine, scrambling for the connection, but he still pulls away with a deep
sigh. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Without
hesitation I reply, “Yes, do you?”

His
lips touch mine tenderly in response, a sweet, gentle, beguiling touch of his
lips to mine. Massaging my mouth with his lightly, he stands with me in his
arms, moving to the bed and laying me down like I’m a fragile piece of glass. I
groan when he breaks from me, but I see the heat in his eyes. Rolling me onto
my stomach he unhooks my bustier, slowly running his fingers from the nape of my
neck to the base of my lower back where it connects with the garter belt.
Removing the clips from the lace thigh-highs, he rolls me gently onto my back.
The bustier remains in place on the bed.

He
lifts first one leg, slowly removing one stocking and then the other, until I’m
naked before him. Colin’s eyes glow as they peruse my body, finally making eye
contact. I run my fingers down his cheek, a silent plea for him to kiss me
again. Standing from the bed, he removes his boxer briefs, taking care to slide
on top of me gently, baring most of his weight on his elbows so his chest
hovers over mine. Wrapping my legs around him I’m desperate to pull his
erection to me, my hands instinctively gripping his hair.

“You’re
sure, Charlie?” he whispers.

I
love this man; I love him so very much. I never thought he would want me after
I told him the truth, but he does.

“You
are the only man I have ever wanted, Colin; the only man I will ever want,” I
repeat my words from last night.

His
gaze doesn’t falter, burning into me. I draw my legs against him, in effect
pulling him inside, my body expanding to allow room for him, holding him tight.
His nostrils flare, eyes widening a fraction, and he inhales deeply at the
contact. He feels so good, throbbing, embedded, completing our connection.

We
begin a slow, sensual rhythm. His hips push forward and mine rise to meet him,
slowly, a delicious movement eliciting newfound devotion between us. We trade
between eye contact, to sweet, tender kisses. Knowing my body so well, when he
feels the slightest quiver, the tensing that’s a precursor to my release, he
quickens his hips. Pushing and swiveling once more, my orgasm takes me,
tightening around and clenching him firmly. I call out his name in a
benediction of love. With another thrust he comes quietly, a sweet end to the
passion that brought us together and holds us firmly in its grip.

~

I’m
startled awake, my heart pumping heavily in my chest, from a dream I can’t
quite hold on to. I’m so tired it can’t be but an hour from the time I fell
asleep. Before I can relax enough to fall into blissful unconsciousness,
memories of the night flood in. A dam broken I can’t repair. Shane Roberts. The
Carters. Ali. And the baby I could never love. With all of that, I begin to
doubt Colin could really want me to stay. In the middle of the night it’s easy
to bring solace to a lover racked with guilt, but when the clarity of morning
light breaks into reason he may have changed his mind.

I
have a sudden urge to cry. Tears spring to my eyes. Squeezing them shut to hold
them in, a silent heaving sob racks through my body. I draw long, deep breaths
to steady the tears, and when I’m sure I have my emotions controlled I roll
over only to find the bed empty. An impression remains in the pillow where his head
recently rested and the sheets are still warm. Grabbing his pillow, I hug it to
me, burying my face in its softness to breathe the remnants of his musk deeply
into my lungs.  Listening to the quiet of the room, the running water from
the shower breaks the clean silence, a light lulling murmur.

Lying
down on top of his pillow with my arms wrapped around and under it I close my
eyes, hoping sleep will return. As I grip my hands onto my wrist under the
pillow I feel the outline of his outrageous gift. My mind begins to run a
marathon, reviewing the events of last night over and over. I thought my
confession would release the burden I’ve felt for so very long, but it didn’t
bring the relief I had hoped for. Instead I have an additional weight added to
the bench-press of my life, and it’s crushing my chest. The tears threaten
again. The truth of my life is too much to overcome.

My
spirits haven’t lifted. In fact, I’m having a self-pity party, and no one is
invited.

The
thought of putting on a cheery face in front of Colin’s parents further
depresses me. I wouldn't pass the test this morning; I can only imagine what my
face looks like after all of the crying and lack of sleep. Oh, Colin. How is it
possible he wants me to stay after everything I shared with him last night? Mr.
McPerfect and Damaged Goods Carter just don’t go together like Mr. Darcy and
Elizabeth Bennett do.

The
water stops and I know Colin will be out soon. Relaxing my closed eyes I feign
sleep, taking slow, deep breaths, not sure where we’ll go from here and not
ready to face the possibilities.

The
door of the bath swings open and his bare feet pad across the floor, my mind
automatically picturing him naked with a low-slung towel hanging from his
glorious hips, skin moist from the shower. I roll my eyes behind my closed
lids.
Get a grip, Carter
.

The
bed sinks low next to me as Colin’s body rests close to mine; he runs his
fingers from the base of my spine, following the line of the bone all the way
up to my neck. I can’t help the shiver of desire shooting straight to my groin.
Without breaking contact, he strokes down my back, stopping to knead my
backside. I try to hide the hint of a smile warming my lips; his fingers are
delicious. I can’t tell if he realizes I’m awake or if he’s trying to wake me,
and without warning his touch changes from tantalizing to tactical, attacking
my sides, tickling me without mercy.

“Ahh,”
I scream, immediately trying to escape incessant hands. Rolling to my back, I
begin urgent protection techniques, flailing my arms and kicking my feet. He's
too proficient at this skill, finding holes in my armor where his hands slip
through, continuing the excruciating torture.

“Colin!”
I exclaim. “Please stop, please.” I’m laughing and screaming at the same time,
begging for a break so I can catch my breath. I catch glimpses of his face, a
huge grin plastered on his now smooth cheeks, eyes glowing as he laughs.