Mind of Her Own (18 page)

Jazz marked her place in Louisa’s journal with the colorful bookmark Tim had made for her and then set it on the bedside table. So far she’d discovered that Louisa had dripped unhappiness. She had so much, but her heart had holes that leaked the joy from her life. She seemed to be searching for who she was between the covers of her journals, unable to experience the fullness of the life before her.

She’d read all the journals at least once, but her memory still evaded her, teasing her with flashes of the past, like the style of a dress she’d worn or the flavor of her mother’s carrot cake on Easter. She wasn’t sure if it was because she realized what a miserable person she had been and didn’t want to be like that anymore, or if she truly would never remember. The headaches had to be a sure sign of Louisa trying to press through . . . and Jazz struggling to keep her out.

Jazz didn’t want to go back to being a pseudonym who came to life between the covers of a composition book or a computer file. She liked who she was, and after reading the journals, she didn’t care for Louisa and her sniveling. Why she’d never stood up for herself, Jazz couldn’t understand. What kept her—
or me,
she realized—from being the person she was now? The riddle plagued her, and the more she thought about it, the more her head hurt.

“Jazz, are you ready?” Collin’s voice drifted up from the downstairs hall.

Yes, she was ready—dressed for the reunion even though the headache she’d been trying to ease since morning still banged its sonata against her skull. “Coming.”

She checked her appearance in the mirror. She looked normal in dark-wash jeans and a silky coral shirt. She loosened a few strands of hair from the gold and coral headband to soften her hairline. Still, the fear of relatives gawking at her and thinking of her as the crazy one, or maybe even quizzing her in fun, weighed heavy on her. If the kids weren’t so excited about being able to see their cousins, she would beg Collin to let her stay home. He’d probably be willing to take the kids by himself. Since he’d been caught with the journals, he’d done anything she asked of him. She slid her feet into a pair of open-toed shoes embellished with big jewels.

No, she would go. This could be the very thing to make her remember everything. Maybe that’s why she felt like she was on her way to a funeral instead of a fun family reunion.

“You look nice,” Collin said when she joined him downstairs. “We should get going if we want to get there in time for the good food. I sent the kids to the van. Still have a headache?”

“Yes. I’m sorry, Collin. I know I haven’t been helpful or even fun the last few days.” She picked up the plastic container of gooey butter cookies she’d bought at the store. At least they were a specialty item from the local bakery. Maybe no one would mind that she hadn’t made them.

“We don’t have to go.” Collin tipped her chin in his hand. “Just say you want to stay home. I’ll drop the kids off, and your mom can watch them.”

“I can’t explain it, Collin, but I think I need to go today.” She swallowed. “I’m scared. I think I’m going to remember soon. That should make me happy, but instead it frightens me.”

“Darlin’, that’s okay. Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you and so will the kids. We’re a team, no matter what.” Collin took the cookies from her hand and scooped up a folded blanket that sat on a counter stool. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

The moment Collin parked the van, the kids seemed to fly from it, scattering across the vast lawn in search of favorite cousins. Jazz, not quite so eager, took her time to climb the hill.

Collin stayed by her side while she put the cookies on a long table that already bulged with food covered in plastic wrap. No one paid any attention to their arrival. Relieved that there wasn’t a volley of questions, she followed Collin to a shady spot under a tree where he spread out the blanket.

“You can hide out here. Let them come to you. If you lean up against the tree, you can close your eyes and pretend you’re napping.” He grinned. “Maybe you should have worn one of those floppy hats and sunglasses like your great-aunt Becca.”

Jazz followed his gaze and saw the woman he was talking about. She seemed to be sleeping, but every few moments the hat would tip up. It was obvious Great-Aunt Becca was eavesdropping on conversations as people went by.

Tim and Joey, twin-like in their Rams jerseys and sulking faces, plopped on the blanket on either side of Jazz. “What’s wrong with you guys?”

“Grandma brought a man,” Joey said. “I don’t like him.”

“They were holding hands.” Tim screwed his nose in disgust.

“Give him a chance, boys,” Collin warned.

“Are we going to eat soon?” Tim fidgeted with his shoelace.

A cowbell rang. “There’s your answer. That’s the signal they use every year. Someday I’m going to ring that bell,” Collin joked. “Let’s find a place in line, boys.”

Joey popped off the blanket. “I’m ready.”

“I can get my own hot dog.” Tim took off running to get in line.

“Eat some vegetables,” Jazz called after him.

“Don’t worry. I’ll watch him.” Joey squared his shoulders, preparing to be the older brother, the one in charge.

“They’re growing up so fast.” Collin held out his hand to Jazz and helped her stand.

“I don’t think there will be one serving of vegetables or fruit on their plates.” She smoothed the back of her shirt with her hand.

“It’s a party. Let them have fun.” Collin kept step with her.

“Why not?” Her feet stalled as Beth approached. Collin’s hand brushed against her fingers. Unaware, she twined her hand in his.

“There you are. I’m glad you came. I was afraid you would have another one of your headaches and stay home,” Beth said.

“Hi, Mom.” The word felt awkward on her tongue, but she said it out of respect.

“Did you see your cousin Amy? She was asking about you. She owns some organizing company now.”

“No, I haven’t seen her yet.” Jazz felt a flash of memory.
The shoes at the hospital!
Amy did give her hand-me-down shoes when she was little. “That sounds like an interesting career. So who’s the new guy in your life?”

“Why, he’s not new at all, Louisa. You know him, or you used to. It’s so hard to keep track of what you remember and what you don’t.”

Jazz’s stomach whipped against her ribs. Was that her mother’s new perfume? Something smelled odd. “What’s his name?”

“Phil. You have to remember Phil. He’s your dad’s cousin. You stayed with him while Daddy and I went to Mexico.”

“No, the name isn’t familiar.” Her hand tightened in Collin’s.

Beth looked to the right as if searching for him. “It’s a shame you don’t remember him.”

“Where’s Madison?” Her mouth went dry and adrenaline pumped through her, but Jazz didn’t understand its meaning.

“She went with Phil. He seems to be fond of her already. She has on that dolphin shirt, and he asked her about it. The next thing you know, he’s agreed to take her across the street to the zoo to look at some real live dolphins. He said to tell you not to worry; he’ll take good care of her.”

“Take care of her?” She swam in uncertainty. Something didn’t feel right.

“He paid you a very nice compliment. He said to tell you Madison is as beautiful as you were at that age.”

“He took Madison away?” Her breathing swelled in her chest, pushing through her throat like something wanting to be born.

“He didn’t take her away; she went willingly—to the zoo. Now you’re starting to sound like the old Louisa.”

“How come I’ve never met him, Beth?” Collin asked.

Jazz turned in a slow circle, scanning the crowd for Madison amid a sea of jeans and bright shirts.

“He’s been living in Utah. Not long after the Mexico trip, he moved and we lost touch. This summer I ran into him on that senior cruise. He asked about you, Louisa—Jazz. I still can’t seem to call you by that name. I know after the Tim incident, you worry, but Madison couldn’t contain her excitement at seeing a dolphin. They’ll be back soon. Phil is harmless as a teddy bear, so there’s no need to worry that you’ve done something wrong.” Her mom held out her arms. “Aren’t you going to give me a hello hug?”

Jazz reluctantly embraced her but then pushed her away. The smell of aftershave on her mother’s shirt sent her spiraling into the past, dizzy with fear. She felt herself falling to the ground and her world blackened, but she wasn’t going down without a fight. She went into a kneeling position and bowed her head to keep from passing out.

Collin was beside her. She could sense him, feel his touch, but he remained invisible.

“Jazz, what is it?” His worried tone yanked her out of the darkness.

“We have to find them. Now!” She swallowed bitter bile that rose in the back of her throat. “I remember, Collin. I remember everything.”

“What do you remember, dear?” her mother asked.

“Get away from me! You and Daddy left me with that man! And now my daughter is with him. Your granddaughter.” Jazz’s body tensed like a jungle cat ready to kill. “Get away from me!” she repeated.

“Louisa, what did he do to you? Why didn’t you tell me?” Her mother’s hands balled into fists. “I’ll kill him!”

“We have to find her, Mom. That’s what’s important now.” She spun around, searching the area and hoping to spot the top of her daughter’s head. “Madison! Has anyone seen her?” she yelled. She took off in the direction of the zoo.

Collin caught up to her and pulled her to a stop. “Wait a minute. Let’s think before running. Am I right? Jazz, did he do something to you? Do you think Maddie is in danger?”

“Yes.” The word hissed from her mouth, a vile secret hidden for years, now exposed in the light. “We have to find her.”

Fire burned in Collin’s eyes. “We will. But I don’t think he went to the zoo.” He spun around, facing the thick grove of trees behind them. “It’s secluded over there. That’s the first place to look for them.”

“Let’s go.”

“Wait.” Collin slapped his cell phone into her hand. “Call the police and give them a description. Tell them about the dolphins, too, in case they did go to the zoo. I’m going in the woods. You follow as soon as you’ve told them what’s going on.”

She fought the impulse to argue with him, knowing he was right. There might not be reception in the trees, and if Phil . . . No, she couldn’t think it. “Go, Collin. Hurry!” She punched 911 while she watched him sprint faster than she could have to save their daughter. “I have an emergency!”

* * *

A few feet into the woods, Collin halted. He tried to still his breathing so he could listen. At first there wasn’t anything, but then he thought he heard a small squeal. He took off in the direction of the sound, ignoring the branches smacking his face and body. “Madison! I’m coming!”

He crashed through a row of low bushes, into a clearing, and stopped short at the scene before him. His little girl pounded Phil’s stomach with her fists as she tried to twist away from him. Phil tugged at the hem of Madison’s shirt. With a roar, Collin flew across the distance and knocked Phil off his daughter and onto the ground. He flattened the deviant and pummeled him with his fists until the man lay unconscious.

At Madison’s voice, he looked away from his daughter’s abuser.

“Daddy, I’m sorry.” Her whisper broke into a sob.

Peeling himself away from the scum beneath him, he rushed to Madison’s side. Her teeth banged together and her shoulders shook. Collin held her against him, trying to warm her, make her feel secure again. “Shh, baby girl. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Collin! Madison!” Jazz screamed from somewhere in the woods.

“Over here!” Collin yelled. “I’ve got her.”

Jazz broke into the clearing at a run. She slid to a stop next to Madison and hit the ground, tears pouring down her cheeks. “Maddie, oh, Maddie, I’m sorry I didn’t remember sooner. Did he touch you?”

“He said—” Madison hiccupped through a sob—“he thought I had a tick under my shirt and wanted to get it out.”

“Oh, baby, he’s a wicked, wicked man, and you’re a good girl.” She gathered her closer, running her hand over Madison’s hair to calm her like she’d done so many times before.

“Daddy hit him and hit him and hit him. I didn’t want him to stop.” Madison curled like a kitten in her mother’s arms and looked up. “Does that make me a bad person?”

Jazz squeezed her daughter closer. “No, baby. It doesn’t make you bad. He did an evil thing to you, and you should be angry.”

Phil groaned as police sirens sounded close by. Collin jumped from the ground and whipped off his belt. He rolled Phil onto his stomach, looped the belt around Phil’s wrists, then pulled tight. “He’s not going anywhere until the police get here.”

“Mom? You called me Maddie.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Do you remember me now?” Joy filled Madison’s face.

“I do. And I’ll never forget you again. I promise.”

“Do you remember everything? Even Dad?”

“Even Dad.”

Collin whistled to alert the search party where they were. He placed his foot solidly on the belt in case Phil became more active.

A team of two policemen burst through the brush with their radios squawking on their belts.

“We found them,” one of the officers reported to his commander.

The other one slapped handcuffs on Phil’s wrists. Together they helped him stand.

Blood trickled from Phil’s nose. He sneered at Louisa. “She’s so much like you. Your mom told me you were remembering things, and I knew it wouldn’t be long. I had to have her today or I would miss my chance.”

Adrenaline erupted in Collin, and he sprang across the ankle-high grass. His hands reached for Phil’s throat.

One of the officers pulled him away. “I can’t let you do that, sir. I’d like to, but I can’t. You bring your daughter to the station and file charges. He’ll get what he deserves in prison.”

Collin reluctantly backed away, his animal anger barely controlled. He felt his breath coming in short huffs. “We’ll be there as soon as EMS checks out my daughter.”

They walked out of the woods with Madison between them, holding their hands. “Everyone okay here?” Collin asked.