Mine To Lose (17 page)

I drove home, wondering what kind of mood Jordan would be in. The more time that passed and Naomi’s condition improved, the worse he seemed to get. Feeling amorous, I wondered what it would take to have sex with Jordan again. It had been months since we’d had any sexual contact. Yes, we had been through the wars these last few months but stupidly there was still a part of me that clung on to the hope that my Jordan was still in there somewhere. I knew I was an idiot for even thinking like this, but I stilled loved him. I couldn’t help it. You can’t just turn off love one day. Isn’t that the reason they call it unconditional? You love someone through the good and the bad – in our case, it had been very bad.

‘How was your day?’ Jordan asked when I walked into the kitchen. ‘I’m making lasagne tonight.’

I stared at him for a few seconds, sucking on the neck of a beer bottle before answering. It was like cohabiting with Jekyll and Hyde.

‘Not for me thanks,’ I said without any real enthusiasm,

‘Suit yourself,’ he said. ‘It’s a good …’

‘Jordan, we need to talk about our future,’ I blurted out before I could stop myself.

He stopped drinking his beer and looked at me. ‘You do, do you?’

‘Yes. We need to talk about what we want from our relationship.’

‘You know what I want. You’ve known from the very beginning. But you decided to move the goalposts, and here we are.’

‘And where is exactly is that? Do you want a divorce? An open marriage?’

This was the first time I’d even touched on the possibility of infidelity. His expression didn’t alter, and for the first time, I started to doubt myself. Had Vicky lied about their affair, after all she hadn’t shown me any proof. Had I been a bit too hasty and naïve to believe her?

Jordan planted his bottle on the worktop and said, ‘What I need is a leak.’ And abruptly turned and left the room.

I walked over to where his beer was, picked it up and took a swig. By the end of the night, I was determined to get this marriage back on track. If Jordan was willing to give it a go, so was I. But we would have to go to counselling to sort out his feelings for Naomi and Martha. He would have to promise to put us first.

My heart ached at the thought of what my life would be like if he chose Martha and a child-free life. My depression crept up on me again. All I could think about to help was Ethan’s statement about sad things making way for good fate. Then I thought of Damian and his tolerance, his compassion and his honest care about me and my baby. Why couldn’t Jordan be like that?

Suddenly, Jordan’s message tone sounded, and I instinctively picked it up. No big deal; we always checked each other’s messages and answered calls before. But I was wrong. Not lately, I had to remind myself. Things had changed between us on every level. I opened the message, and my heart stopped. The hurt burned into my chest and the pit of my stomach as I held my breath. A woman called Krista had sent him a vulgar message along with a nicely placed shot of legs spread wide open, showing her vulva.

In shock, I saw her name several times on a list of texts reaching over more than a month. There were three from Lesley too, the woman apparently always bothering him about work. The text between the two of them would have turned a nun’s hair grey. It was extreme porn at its best. Leslie had been
sexting
him since forever, even before I was pregnant.

‘What are you doing?’ Jordan roared as he came up behind.

I stood there, dumbstruck saying nothing. It was enough that he knew I knew. He was a monster. The Devil himself.

‘Didn’t I tell you to leave my phone the fuck alone?’ he said in a menacing growl.

‘No wonder you don’t want to sleep with me,’ I said plainly, concealing my broken heart under a tone of indifference. ‘Looks like you have plenty of female company to keep you going. Kristie’s photo is my favourite. I love how she pulls it apart with her fingertips,’ I said snidely as I flashed the image at him.

He lunged at me. ‘I told you to leave my fucking phone alone you fucking cunt!’ he roared

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He’d never called me derogatory names before, not for any reason. Clearly, he was livid about being found out, but I never expected Jordan to become Mister Hyde at me. Remorseful yes, but angry at me, like I was the one in the wrong. What came next I never saw coming. Jordan tried to grab his phone from me, but I was too quick. He grunted with fury and grabbed the beer bottle on the table.

‘I have had it with your fucking selfish shit!’ he hissed and swung the bottle at my face. I avoided him striking me against the head by the grace of God, but he struck me against the side of my knee with the heavy glass bottle. I screamed, falling to the floor. My mind refused to make sense of the brutality of his kicks, but when he pulled me up and threw me on the glass table and it shattered beneath me, I knew this was serious. Cuts all over my face and arms, I stumbled to my feet, but Jordan was there already. He punched me in the face, and I collapsed again.

Screaming insults, he stormed over to the worktop for something. Fearing he was going for a knife, with his phone still in my hand, I raced for the bathroom and locked myself in, where I managed to call the police. They arrived just as he started kicking in the door. I sank to the cold tiled floor and cried until I heard Jordan’s plea’s of innocence fade away into the distance.

‘I am so sorry, Katie, but I would have to advise you against that,’ Dr Howard lamented. She was accompanied by a brain surgeon and a neuro-specialist who solemnly agreed with her.

‘I’m not turning off her life support. Not now not ever.’

‘But-—’

‘No buts. I’m not doing it, and if you kill my baby, I will fucking sue this hospital! Do you hear me?’

‘There’s very little chance of her recovering, and even then, she will be severely handicapped,’ one of the many doctors informed me. Pam was waiting outside the room for moral support. She was just about the only one who had not let me down. I tried hard not to cry at their advice.

‘I said no! I’m not going to kill my child because she won’t be perfect.’ I protested until they eventually agreed in reluctance.

I was fidgeting at my cuts and bruises from Jordan’s assault when Pam and I sat down in the hospital cafe. I didn’t want to be near Naomi when I had so much negative energy surrounding me.

‘When Naomi is strong and healthy, we’re going to bring her back here so those doctors can see who they tried to kill. Maybe they’ll think about her before they try to persuade some other poor mother to turn off life support.’

‘I will. I still can’t believe they’re asking me to do such a thing. She’s alive, and I will look after her until the day I die.’

I took a mouthful of coffee, wishing it was something a lot stronger.

‘Have you heard from Mummy’s boy?

I shook my head. There was tightness in my chest every time I thought of Jordan. How did I miss the signs that lurking behind the perfect persona was a sociopath? While clearing his stuff out the wardrobe, I found hundreds of photos of young women naked or scantily dressed. In a few of them, he was posing with them. I could tell they were taken throughout our marriage because of his changing hairstyle.

I just shook my head, my vision still blurred after the attack from the impact of Jordan’s fist against my cheek. ‘The restraining order should keep him away from me. Not that he would even bother. I received divorce papers today. He had the nerve to cite me as being unreasonable. Can you believe it?’

‘After everything you’ve told me about him, yes I can. What I can’t believe is that you never shared any of this with me.’

I sighed. ‘I suppose I just didn’t want to believe it. I’d invested my life in that man. My soul. I really didn’t think he was the type to turn on me.’

‘How many times have we heard that statement, Katie? From men and women,’ Pam said sadly. ‘I just wish you would change your mind and press charges against him.’

‘I know. But I just can’t. I can’t take anymore upset. I need all the strength I have for Naomi. I know I’m an idiot—’

‘No, you’re not. You’re just human. A person who, unfortunately, fell in love with the wrong man. But so long as you remember, not all men are like that. The majority of them are good ones.’

Even though I couldn’t see the truth in that statement at that given time, I knew she was right. Out of all the men I knew personally, Jordan was the only violent one I’d known. I was determined not to let the actions of one man warp my mind against the whole of mankind.

‘At least he had the decency to sign over parental rights to me.’ It was painful to say, but I was glad that he’d done it. I couldn’t imagine ever having to share custody with him. Not after what he’d put me through. ‘I just can’t wait to take Naomi home and put this nightmare to the back of my mind.’

‘She’ll be home soon, Katie,’ Pam whispered. ‘I know she will.’

I gave her a grateful smile, wincing from the pain of my split lip.

‘I thought I missed you,’ I heard that familiar male voice I looked forward to every time I visited.

‘Hello?’ Pam said, looking at me with her eyebrow raised. ‘And who might this delicious T-bone be?’

He laughed. ‘Damian, a great fan of little Naomi and occasional overseer in her ward.’

‘You’re a doctor here?’ Pam asked. ‘I’ll have to see about getting myself admitted here sometime ...’

‘Sorry. I’m a specialist in Paediatrics,’

‘That’s alright. I’ll just get a job here then.’

He smiled then looked at me, and I heard a soft sigh escape his lips. ‘Katie. Can I have a word?’

Pam was elbowing me eagerly, whispering, ‘Bloody hell, he can have more than a word with me.’

‘Shhh.’ I laughed softly as I trailed behind him and into the corridor.

‘I take it the damage done to your face isn’t from hitting someone’s car,’ he said seriously.’

I shook my head. ‘Nope. This was at the hands of my soon to be ex-husband.’

‘Thank God, you’ve got the sense.’ He stopped abruptly. ‘Sorry, I’m overstepping the line.’

‘Not at all. It’s nice to know you care, unlike most of your colleagues.’

‘That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m saying this to you as a friend not a doctor, okay.’

I nodded.

‘You need to do what you think is right for your daughter. Don’t let anyone bully you into doing something you might regret for the rest of your life. We’re doctors, not God. We don’t know everything; we can only make assumptions. And believe it or not we’re not always right.’

I leaned up on tiptoe and kissed his smooth cheek. ‘Thank you, Damian. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.’

Damien’s cheeks turned crimson, and he smiled. ‘I’d better get back to the ward.’

Despite the whimsical charm, Damian actually cared about me and wanted my baby to live and get better, and I knew Naomi’s life was safe in his hands.

***

Two weeks later as I sat singing quietly to Naomi, Damian came to speak to me. He had a blank expression that alarmed me greatly. As he approached me, I took refuge in his compassionate eyes. There was something in them that remained friendly and soft as if he would never stop caring and protecting.

‘Mrs Winston, it would seem that there is nothing the medical profession can do for your daughter,’ he said. Holding back a burst of tears, I was trying to formulate a question, but Dr Titus took my hands in his. ‘The medical profession cannot explain how she is actually coherent and responding very well to treatment.’

I caught my breath, too afraid to understand his good news, but it was undeniable.

‘You can smile now,’ he smiled warmly. ‘It is perfectly safe to abandon all your worries now. She is fine, and her functions are beyond explanation.

‘Oh, my God!’ I shrieked. ‘Oh, my God, she is alright? My little girl is alright!’

Pam was looking through the glass in the door, and I ran to her and pulled her into a tight bear hug. She’s going to be fine, Pam. Naomi’s going to be fine.’

I was looked back at Damian through my tears. He just stood there, arms folded and smiling. We stared at one another while Pam practically smothered me with love. Damian saluted and turned on his heel to walk away. I looked through the doorway and saw my little Naomi kicking and moving her head like a cogent baby.

The day after Naomi showed promise, something took hold of me. Something in me wanted to start my happiness in full force and pull me from the sadness and hurt once and for all.

I sent back the signed divorce papers and hoped I’d never hear from him again. I didn’t want child support. I just wanted him to leave me the hell alone. Funnily enough, he called me out the blue one night, obviously the worst for wear. I told him to discuss whatever he had to say with my lawyer. Stammering, he tried to convince me that I needed him, and that I would never have anyone like him again.

‘I know,’ I said, ‘other men don’t kill their children, beat up their wives and worship evil mothers.’ It was juvenile, but damn, it felt good!

Through the next four months, Naomi gradually made miraculous progress, although she was still frail. Dr Howard and Damian both used their collective knowledge to help her thrive.

‘You really need a good solid meal, Mrs Winston,’ Damian teased when he found me drinking a cup of Cuppa soup from the vending machine. ‘And I just happen to be a very good cook.’

‘Is that so.’ I chuckled. Without reservation, he started checking on my rapidly healing scars when he sat down with me.

‘So are things definitely over with your husband?’ he asked.

‘You can’t use that word to define what I was married to,’ I said.

‘I’m glad you know the difference. Most men aren’t like him,’ he remarked. ‘I’m not a father myself, but Jesus, basic decency dictates some form of forfeiture, I think.’

‘Exactly my point. How could he not love his own baby or me?’ I frowned. All I wanted was for someone to love and cherish me and Naomi. Was that really too much to ask.

‘That’s something I’ll never understand,’ he uttered inadvertently. I looked up at his handsome features.

‘Are you blushing, Dr Titus?’ I jested while my own heart was throbbing uncontrollably.

He pursed his lips and cracked a smile. ‘No.’

‘That was convincing.’ I giggled. At once, Damian pinned me down with his eyes, drawing closer.

‘Do you need convincing?’ he whispered, his breath warming my lips.

I drew back slightly. I hoped what I was about to say wasn’t going to spoil our friendship, but the truth was, the last thing I wanted or needed was a relationship – with anyone.

‘I’m sorry, Damian. I’m just not ready. And I don’t think I will be for a long time. All I want is Naomi home and to make up for all the time she’s spent in here. It’s going to me and her for the foreseeable future. We both have a lot of healing to do. Together.’

‘I respect your decision, Katie.’ He cast his eyes downwards. ‘I’m sorry if I misread you.’

‘Don’t worry, you didn’t. And I’m flattered. I really am. Any other—’

‘Hey, you don’t have to explain. After what you’ve been through, I totally get it.’

‘No hard feelings?’ I said holding out my hand for him to shake.

‘Never.’ The look in his eyes told me he was telling the truth.

‘I’ll see you on the ward.’

He nodded and turned to go. I watched him until he disappeared out of view.

The sun was setting and the hallway lights of the hospital floated in the dusk like stars around us. Honestly, I had never known such perfect serenity. Such contentment. I looked up at the sky and said, ‘Nice try, Gramps.’