Miss Laney Is Zany! (2 page)

In the middle of the girls’ bathroom was a lady with dark hair. She was sitting behind a desk—Mr. Granite’s desk.

“Come on in!” the lady said excitedly. She sounded like one of those game show hosts on TV.

“Who are you?” asked Andrea.

“I’m Miss Laney, the new speech teacher,” the lady said. “I’m
soooooo
glad you could join me today!”

Miss Laney is
way
too enthusiastic about stuff.

I always wondered what was in the girls’ bathroom. I looked around. There were three stalls against the wall but no urinals. On the walls were a bunch of posters with pictures of TV stars.

Girls’ bathrooms are weird.

“Why is your office in the bathroom?” asked Emily.

“Because of budget cuts, they couldn’t afford to give me a regular office,” Miss Laney told us. “But a bathroom is perfect
for speech class. This room has really good acoustics.”

“I don’t see any good cue sticks,” I said. “My uncle has a pool table in his basement, and he’s got some
really
good cue sticks.”

“Not ‘cue sticks,’ dumbhead!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “‘Acoustics’!”

It sounded a lot like “a cue stick” to me.

“Do you know what the word ‘acoustics’ means?” Miss Laney asked.

“Yes!” Andrea said, “acoustics is the science of sound.”

“Very good, Andrea!” Miss Laney said, all smiley.

Little Miss Brownnoser knows about dumb stuff like acoustics because she reads the encyclopedia for the fun of it. What is her problem?

“Wait a minute,” Emily said. “If this is the speech room now, where should we go to the bathroom?”

“In your pants!” I said. Ryan cracked up.

“Starting today,” Miss Laney told us, “the girls go to the bathroom in the boys’ bathroom.”

What?!

“If the girls go to the bathroom in the boys’ bathroom, where will the boys go to the bathroom?” Ryan asked.

“Out there,” Miss Laney said.

I looked out the window. There was a tree outside.

“We have to use a tree?” I asked.

“There’s a porta-potty near the tree,” Miss Laney said.

I stood on my tiptoes at the window and saw the porta-potty.

“I’d rather use the tree,” I said.

“Yeah, can we use the tree?” asked Ryan.

“That could kill the tree, Arlo,” Andrea said.

“Your face could kill a tree,” I told Andrea.

“There must be some mistake, Miss Laney,” Emily said. “We don’t need speech class.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “we already know how to talk.”

“Of course you know how to talk,” Miss Laney said. “But Mr. Granite told me you’re having a little trouble understanding idioms, A.J.”

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan. “She called you an idiot!”

“And Ryan, sometimes you have difficulty with
R
sounds,” Miss Laney said. “And Emily, you have trouble pronouncing the letters
T
and
D
. And Andrea, you occasionally have trouble with grammar.”

Little Miss Perfect looked all mad. I guess nobody ever told her she had anything wrong with her before.

“Speech is boring,” I said.

“Yeah, we don’t want to be here,” said Ryan.

“I speak perfectly,” Andrea insisted.

“Is that so?” asked Miss Laney. “Well, let’s find out!”

That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Miss Laney took a top hat out of the desk drawer and put it on her head.
*
Then she took a little boom box out of the desk and pushed a button on it. Thumping music came out of the boom box. Miss Laney started to dance around. The lights in the bathroom started flashing on and off.

Next, a banner dropped down from the top of the stalls. It said:
I BET YOU CAN’T SAY THIS
!

Then a deep voice came out of the boom box.

“Welcome to everyone’s favorite TV game show,
I Bet You Can’t Say This!
And here’s your host,
Misssssssssssssss
…Laney!”

Wild applause came out of the boom box.

“Thank you, thank you!” said Miss Laney. “Are you kids ready to play
I Bet You Can’t Say This!
?”

“Yes!” said Andrea and Emily.

“No!” said me and Ryan.

“I love game shows!” said Emily, clapping her hands excitedly.

“All righty then!” Miss Laney said. “We’ll start the game in a minute. But first, this important message…”

Hey kids! Do you have trouble saying the letter S? When you say the word “lion,” does it come out like
“wion”? Do you stutter or lisp? Don’t feel bad. You’re not alone. Millions of kids just like you have the same problem. But you’re in luck! With the help of Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper, you’ll be able to say hard words like “February.” Words like “refrigerator,” “nuclear,” and “duct tape.” You’ll be able to say EVERY WORD IN THE ENGLISH
LANGUAGE! In a few short weeks you’ll be talking perfectly. It’s simply amazing! But it’s not available in stores. Go to www.misslaneyiszany.com and order now. Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper is only $19.99. But wait, there’s more! If you order in the next ten minutes, you’ll get volume two—Miss Laney’s Rainy Day No Complainy Speech Training Maintainer. It’s absolutely free! Wow! What have you got to lose? All that for just $19.99. And if you’re not completely satisfied, I’ll refund every penny. How can I make
this crazy offer? Because Miss Laney is…INSANEY! Order NOW!

That was weird. Miss Laney did an infomercial in the girls’ bathroom!

“How many of those things have you sold so far?” Ryan asked.

“So far?” Miss Laney replied. “None.”

“You’d probably sell more if you did it on TV,” I suggested, “instead of in the
bathroom.”

“Good idea!” Miss Laney said. “Okay, welcome back to
I Bet You Can’t Say This!
Our first category is tongue twisters. The winner will get a prize from the mystery treasure chest. Are you kids excited?”

“Yes!” said Andrea and Emily.

“No!” said me and Ryan.

“Let’s spin the magic spinner to see who goes first!” shouted Miss Laney.

She reached into the desk and took out one of those little spinners they use for board games.

“And our first contestant is…A.J.!” Miss Laney said. “Okay, repeat after me—”

“After me,” I repeated.

“No,” Miss Laney said, “I mean, repeat what I’m about to say.”

“What I’m about to say,” I repeated.

“Aha-ha, very funny, A.J.,” said Miss Laney. “Here’s your tongue twister. ‘A skunk sat on a stump. The stump thought the skunk stunk. The skunk thought the stump stunk. What stunk? The skunk or the stump?’”

I took a deep breath.

“‘A skunk sat on a thunk—’”

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Where did
that
come from? I didn’t even see her hit a buzzer.

“Sorry! Nice try, A.J.,” Miss Laney said. “But YOU CAN’T SAY IT!”

She took a kazoo out of her pocket and blew into it.

“YOU CAN’T SAY IT!” shouted Ryan, Andrea, and Emily.

“Let’s spin the magic spinner to see who goes next!” said Miss Laney. “Our next contestant is…Emily! Repeat after me. ‘A big black bug bit a big black bear. The big black bug made the big black bear bleed blood.’”

“‘A big back blug—,’” Emily began.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

“Sorry! Nice try, Emily!” said Miss Laney as she blew into the kazoo. “But YOU CAN’T SAY IT!”

“YOU CAN’T SAY IT!” I shouted with Ryan and Andrea.

“Let’s spin the magic spinner!” Miss Laney said. “Our next contestant is…Ryan! Repeat after me. ‘A noisy noise annoys an oyster.’”

“‘A noisy noise…’”

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

“Oh! You took too much time!” said Miss Laney, and she blew into the kazoo. “Sorry, Ryan!”

“YOU CAN’T SAY IT!” I shouted with Andrea and Emily.

“Our last contestant in this round is Andrea,” said Miss Laney. “Repeat after me. ‘If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?’”

“‘If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?’” Andrea repeated.

“Very good, Andrea!” said Miss Laney. “You win round one.”

That was totally not fair. Anybody could say that thing about Stu’s shoes. It’s a lot harder to say my thing about the skunk.

Miss Laney said Andrea could have a smelly sticker because she won round one. There were grape, cool mint, tutti-
frutti, and root beer stickers. Andrea chose grape.

“I love smelly stickers!” Andrea said.

I hate her.

We moved on to round two. I had to say “I saw a saw in Arkansas that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.” Andrea had to say “Fred fed Ted bread, and Ted fed Fred bread.” Ryan had to say “If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?” Emily had to say “I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won’t wish the wish you wish to wish.”

After three rounds I thought my tongue was gonna fall out. Miss Laney gave us
water so our mouths wouldn’t catch on fire.

“The judges are almost finished tabulating their results,” said Miss Laney. “Today’s winner is…Andrea!”

“Yay!” yelled Andrea.

“Congratulations,” Miss Laney said. “You can take any prize you want from the mystery treasure chest.”

Miss Laney opened up one of the stall doors, and there was a treasure chest inside. Andrea chose a solar-powered calculator. The rest of us were allowed to take a lollipop.

“Thanks for playing
I Bet You Can’t Say This!
” Miss Laney said. “That’s our show
for today. You’ve been a
wonderful
audience. Don’t forget to order your copy of Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper! Good night, everybody!”

Cheering came out of the boom box again.

Miss Laney is weird.