Miss Laney Is Zany! (5 page)

We all watched the TV. Some lady wearing a bathing suit came out carrying a plate. The camera zoomed in for a close-up, and you could see all these disgusting bugs slithering around on it. I thought I was gonna throw up.

This had to be the saddest day in the history of the world. Miss Laney didn’t
win a million dollars. She didn’t save the school. And now she would have to eat a plate full of bugs. Some of the first graders were crying.

“Eat bugs! Eat bugs!” the studio audience chanted.

“Before you eat the bugs,” said Dickie Blinkbarker, “is there anything you’d like to say to the folks out there in TV land, Miss Laney?”

“Yes, there is, Dickie,” Miss Laney said. She turned to face the camera, and it moved in for a close-up.

Hey kids! Do you have trouble saying the letter S? When you say the word ‘lion,’ does it come out like ‘wion’? Do you
stutter or lisp? Don’t feel bad. You’re not alone. Millions of kids just like you have the same problem. But you’re in luck! With the help of Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper, you’ll be able to say hard words like ‘February.’ Words like ‘refrigerator,’ ‘nuclear,’ and ‘duct tape.’ You’ll be able
to say EVERY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! In a few short weeks, you’ll be talking perfectly. It’s simply amazing! But it’s not available in stores. Go to www.misslaneyiszany.com and order now. Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper is only $19.99. But wait, there’s more!

Miss Laney did her whole infomercial on national TV!

“I’m going to go check Miss Laney’s website!” Mrs. Patty yelled. She ran to the front office, which is next to the all-purpose room.

On TV, Miss Laney finished her infomercial. Then she picked up a spider
and ate it.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

“Orders are pouring in like crazy!” Mrs. Patty shouted from the front office.

On TV, Miss Laney ate an ant.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

“So far there are twenty thousand dollars’ worth of orders!” shouted Mrs.

Patty.

On TV, Miss Laney ate some flies.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

“Fifty thousand dollars in orders so far!” shouted Mrs. Patty.

On TV, Miss Laney ate a beetle.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

“It’s up to a hundred thousand dollars!” shouted Mrs. Patty.

On TV, Miss Laney ate a worm.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

“A half a million dollars!” shouted Mrs. Patty.

On TV, Miss Laney ate a cockroach.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

“A
million dollars
!” shouted Mrs. Patty. “She sold a million dollars’ worth of her speech program!”

“That means Ella Mentry School can stay open!” I hollered. “Miss Laney saved the school!”

Everybody was yelling and screaming and jumping up and down and going crazy. On TV, Miss Laney finished all the bugs on the plate.

“You’ve been a good sport, Miss Laney,”
said Dickie Blinkbarker. “Even though you didn’t win, here’s a check for a thousand dollars just for playing
Win Money or Eat Bugs
.”

“Thank you, Dickie,” said Miss Laney.

“But we’re not done yet!” Dickie said. “You can keep the money,
or
you can have what’s behind the curtain!”

The lady in the bathing suit stood in front of the curtain.

“Take the money!” some kids shouted.

“Pick the curtain!” other kids shouted.

“I’ll take what’s behind the curtain, Dickie,” said Miss Laney.

“Okay, let’s see what she won!” said Dickie Blinkbarker.

The curtain opened, and you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was behind it.

I’m not gonna tell you.

Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

It was a
boat
!

Dickie Blinkbarker and Miss Laney climbed into the boat and pretended to row it even though there wasn’t any water.

“We’re on a boat!” they said.

It was hilarious.

So, to make a long story short, our school doesn’t have to close after all. Maybe all the teachers who got fired will get their
jobs back. Maybe Mr. Granite will get his desk and whiteboard back. Maybe they’ll put back the salad bar and the monkey
bars. Maybe Miss Laney will get a regular office instead of a bathroom. Maybe it will have a pool table in it so she can get some good cue sticks. Maybe Miss Laney will give us a ride in her new boat. Maybe Mr. Klutz will grow some hair. Maybe I can go to speech class every day. Maybe I’ll figure out why everybody is always talking about boats for no reason.

But it won’t be easy!

Cover art © 2010 by Jim Paillot