Authors: Natasha Mac a'Bháird
Missing Ellen (11 page)
Pete was nuzzling on Ellen’s neck again. She squealed and half-heartedly pushed him away.
I needed to keep them talking. I couldn’t be left alone
with Spider, and his horrible creepy crawly hands.
‘When did you say the gig was in Keogh’s?’
‘Next Saturday,’ Pete said, with exaggerated slowness. ‘We could write it down for you.’
I pretended not to notice his tone. ‘Oh that’s too bad, we’re going to a party that night, aren’t we Ellen?’
‘Yeah, just some girl in school,’ Ellen said dismissively.
‘Didn’t think gigs were really your scene, anyway,’ Pete said to me. ‘No ballgowns, or handsome princes, or glass slippers. That’s more your kind of thing, isn’t it?’
Ellen laughed. ‘Actually Maggie’s more into sitting at home sewing while other people go to the ball.’ She avoided my eyes.
I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I felt sick to my stomach, and I pressed my hands down on my knees to try to stop them shaking. Did Ellen really care so much about impressing Pete that she could be so downright nasty?
‘Oh, I don’t know, I think Maggie would enjoy it just fine,’ Spider said, grinning. ‘Come to our next gig. We’ll even make sure you get a backstage pass.’
Pete was whispering something in Ellen’s ear. She
suddenly
jumped up, still holding his hand. ‘Pete and I are going to get some more beer. Back in a minute.’ She led him into the kitchen.
Spider barely waited for the door to swing closed behind them before moving over to sit on the edge of my armchair.
He stretched his arm out behind my back. ‘So, what is it that does get you going then?’
‘Not you, anyway,’ I snapped. I moved away from him and grabbed a handful of nachos, just for something to do. I stuffed one in my mouth and tried to chew, but my mouth felt dry and there was a lump in my throat that I couldn’t swallow.
‘Oh come on, I’m not so bad once you get to know me. Why don’t you give me a chance? Ellen says you’re not seeing anyone right now. Actually I think she said you’d never had a proper boyfriend.’
He put his arm around me again and slipped a hand under my top. I stiffened, panic-stricken, not knowing what to do. The light went off in the kitchen, and I felt a momentary relief, expecting to see Ellen and Pete reappear. But then I heard footsteps on the stairs, and a muffled giggle. She was taking him upstairs and leaving me alone with this creep! I couldn’t believe Ellen would abandon me like this. We had always been there for each other – even as a little five-
year-old
in Junior Infants she had stood up for me. Now she was just leaving me with this horrible guy I didn’t even know. The feeling of betrayal was overwhelming.
Just then Spider slipped a finger inside my bra and leaned in towards me, his breath smelling of beer and cigarette smoke.
I’d had enough. ‘Get off me!’ I shouted, jumping up. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’
He spread out his hands. ‘Hey, I’m just trying to have a little fun. Don’t be so uptight.’
I was at the door. ‘Go to hell!’ I said. I ran towards the front door. I heard him say, ‘Frigid bitch’, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care what any of them thought of me any more. I had to get out of there.
My bag was just inside the door. We’d dumped them there when we got home, in a hurry to get on with ordering the pizza and setting up the movie for the cosy girls’ night in we had planned. I grabbed it, threw the door open and dashed out, slamming it behind me. I ran, not thinking about
anything
except getting away from that creep.
Only when I was at the end of the road, and sure that no one was following me, did I stop to take out my phone. I dialled home. Oh the blessed relief of hearing my mother’s warm familiar voice.
‘Mum,’ I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking. ‘Can you come and collect me? I want to come home.’
Dear Ellen,
If only I had told my mum everything that night. If only she had had one of her Mums Sticking Together moments and told your mum. If only your mum had come out of that fog she was living in long enough to see you were spiralling out of control. If only your dad had come home early and caught you and Pete doing whatever it is you were doing, and lost the
plot, and kicked him out, called the police. If only you’d been grounded for weeks and not allowed anywhere near Carrie’s party. If only I’d been able to get through to you.
They just go around and around my head, these if onlys, until I want to scream and scream so loud I drown them out.
Love,
Maggie.
Five days before the party, I was dreading going into school. I hadn’t heard from Ellen all day Sunday. I was still angry at her for abandoning me with that creep Spider, but also embarrassed about the fact that I’d run out of there like a little child wanting to get home to her mum.
I spent most of Sunday wondering what had happened after I left. Mostly I was hoping that Ellen’s father hadn’t come home and caught her, but I have to admit that part of me was hoping that he had.
I was the worst friend ever.
I didn’t tell Mum what had happened. I didn’t want her making a big fuss about it, I just wanted to forget the whole thing. By the time she arrived to collect me I’d managed to calm down and I just told her that I felt like I was
intruding
on Ellen and her dad and it was better for them to have some time alone. Mum didn’t let it rest and kept quizzing me about why I hadn’t waited at the house for her but I didn’t tell her anything more. I’m sure she thought Ellen and I had
had a row but she probably dismissed it as just normal girl stuff.
I hung around our lockers until after the last bell had rung, hoping Ellen would show up. Finally, when the corridors had emptied, I gave up and went to English.
It was halfway through the class when Ellen sidled in. She grunted an apology in the direction of Miss Leigh, who barely acknowledged it, simply waving her to her seat. I waited to see if Ellen would look at me, but she kept her eyes firmly fixed on her book. The minute the class was over she bolted for the door.
I sighed. She was obviously annoyed at me. I didn’t know what to do. It was me who should have been annoyed at her, but I hated fighting with her. And it wouldn’t be the first time for me to try to smooth things over even when I knew it wasn’t my fault.
I didn’t get a chance to smooth things over though, because I didn’t see her to speak to for the rest of the day. I don’t know if she was avoiding me on purpose. I looked for her at lunch time but she was nowhere to be found – maybe she’d gone off to meet Pete again, going through the whole rigmarole of sneaking out and changing her clothes in the toilet. With a pang of jealousy I wondered if she’d asked someone else to go to the shopping centre with her. I hadn’t exactly enjoyed being her cover story but it was my job and I didn’t want anyone else doing it either.
It wasn’t until after school that I saw her again, walking out of the gate. I was about to call out for her but then I saw that Liam was waiting for her. He took her schoolbag and the two of them walked off arm in arm.
I went home alone.
Dear Ellen,
Today I decided that I just wasn’t going to speak. There’s too much noise in the world as it is. I’ve often wished that Jamie had a mute button, and lately I’m beginning to wish Mum and Dad had one too. All that psychoanalysis from Dad and those valiant attempts to be cheerful from Mum are just
exhausting
to listen to. But I thought if I shut up for a while, maybe they would follow my example. Worth a try, right?
As for school, it struck me that it isn’t just Carrie and Co. who’ve been avoiding me. I decided to see if anyone would actually talk to me if I didn’t speak first. First test came as I took books out of my locker. Susan Feeney’s locker is beside mine, as you know, and instead of saying hello to her as usual I said nothing. I just started taking my books out, dumping my lunch at the back and flicking through my art folder, waiting to see what she would do. She didn’t ignore me
completely
, but really, she may as well have. She just gave me this sort of nervous smile, emptied her locker as quickly as she could, and darted off, stuffing books in her bag as she went.
Maths was first (urgh). I’d managed to get my homework
done yesterday in detention, with a bit of help from Siobhan. (Siobhan is surprisingly good at maths. Hard to believe, I know. If she wasn’t so boy-crazy, I reckon she’d be quite smart, really.) Bouncer barely looked at it though. And no one else spoke to me the whole way through the class. No one asked to borrow my compass, no one slipped me a note, no one nudged me and laughed at Bouncer when he bumped his head on the desk picking up his pen from the floor. It was like I was invisible.
I wished I was invisible in geography. Old Fuddy Duddy asked me some question about volcanoes. I actually knew the answer, but I said nothing. She got impatient and repeated the question. Eventually she got fed up of me and sent me to the principal’s office. Yes, me, sent to the principal. Did you ever think you’d see the day?
Mrs Carmichael couldn’t manage to make me speak either, but unlike Fuddy Duddy she wasn’t nasty about it. I was
actually
going to give in and talk because she was being so nice, but I was afraid that if I opened my mouth I’d just start to cry. In the end she phoned my mum to come and collect me.
I didn’t say a word on the way home. Mum didn’t either. Perhaps her attempts at being cheerful have worn her out too.
I’m in my room now. She sent me up for a lie down. It’s going to be a long day. Maybe not talking isn’t as good an idea as I thought.
Later,
Maggie.
Four days before the party, Ellen didn’t come in to school at all.
It was our last day of proper school. The rest of the week would be taken up with end of year exams. I had that
familiar
sense of pre-exam panic. Why hadn’t I started studying earlier? Why hadn’t I done up a study plan? Why hadn’t I asked Bouncer to go over quadratic equations one more time? It didn’t help that we had maths first thing. What a way to start three days of exams.
It didn’t make me feel any better that the exams didn’t count for anything (unless you did REALLY badly, in which case it might be gently suggested to you that you drop from higher to ordinary level). I still wanted to do well.
I thought about texting Ellen, but in the end I didn’t.
Dear Ellen,
My silence was the main topic of conversation at dinner today. Ha ha, how ironic. Dad said to Mum, ‘Maybe we sent her back to school too soon.’ Mum sighed and agreed.
Do they think I can’t hear them? I’m only mute, not deaf.
Love, Maggie.
Three days before the party, Ellen came bouncing into the
hall as I stood at my locker looking over my notes for the first exam. Bouncer had spent most of the last week
reminding
us which formulas we needed to know off by heart and even though I was practically able to say them in my sleep at this stage, I was still afraid I’d forget one of the basics and not be able to do a whole question.
‘Maggie, got any plans for lunchtime?’
I was so surprised that she was speaking to me as if
nothing
had happened that I didn’t answer right away.
Ellen misunderstood my silence. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to cover for me or anything like that,’ she said quickly. ‘I’m not seeing Pete today, anyway. I just
wondered
if you wanted to go shopping for something to wear to the party on Saturday.’
‘OK. I suppose we could.’ I pushed my bag into my locker and shut the door. ‘I was sort of planning on looking over my history notes for this afternoon, but that probably won’t take long.’
‘Of course not! I bet you know that history book off by heart,’ Ellen said. ‘I’m really glad you can come, otherwise I was going to have to ask Carrie, and she’s no good. She just tells me everything looks nice on me, and then I don’t know what to pick.’
I had started walking towards the gym, where the exams were on, and Ellen fell into step beside me, beginning a long ramble about the last time she’d gone shopping with Carrie,
the awfulness of Carrie’s taste, and how she’d nearly rather go shopping with her dad. I noticed she still had her bag with her – we weren’t allowed to bring them into the gym – but maybe she was planning on leaving it in the changing room.
As we reached the corridor leading to the gym Ellen at last interrupted her own monologue to ask, ‘Where are we going? It’s not PE this morning, is it?’
I stared at her. ‘Ellen, you do know the exams start today, don’t you?’
‘Really? Eek. What do we have first?’
‘Maths. Please tell me you learnt those formulas Bouncer was going on about last week.’
‘Hmmm. I’m not sure. It sounds kind of familiar.’ She stopped to rest her bag on a windowsill and started
rummaging
through it unhurriedly.
‘Ellen, he said we wouldn’t be able to answer two of the questions without them,’ I said urgently.
‘I think they’re in here somewhere,’ Ellen murmured, still rooting around in her bag.
I checked my watch. The exam was due to start in less than five minutes. ‘Look, I’ll run back and get mine, they’re right there in my locker. If you just look over them now I’m sure you’ll be fine.’
Ellen glanced up at me. ‘Give me your key, I’ll go. I don’t want to keep you late too,’ she said, finally realising I was panicking ever so slightly.
Relieved, I handed her the key. ‘It’s a sheet of paper right on top of my books, you can’t miss it.’
‘OK. I’m gone. I’ll be super fast.’ She set off at a run, then shouted back to me, ‘You go on, OK? Tell them I’m coming!’
I decided she was right – no point in both of us being late. I hurried towards the gym. I’d never understand Ellen. She’d always been a bit laidback about school stuff, but she’d never gone so far as to forget an exam before. Although if she could forget so quickly about what had happened on Saturday night, then it wasn’t exactly surprising that she’d overlooked something so insignificant as a maths exam.